May 2015
I've lost my skill with words almost as much as I've lost myself, but I know I need to write.
I spoke to my dad tonight.
And his strong self cried because he spoke of me as his baby girl. He spoke of me as though he's preparing himself for my death, because that's all he can see in front of me.
I screamed at him that I need more positivity and he screamed back that it's hard when all of my 'recovery' has been trips to hospital at least once a month from overdoses which have brought me so close to death's door and phone calls and voice messages that he receives saying please come, your baby girl is in emergency.
I spoke to my therapist today.
I thanked her for everything, and got myself ready to leave. She asked me to wait.
She said 'please, if you were me, what would you do with this 17 year old girl'.
I told her that I'm capable of my decisions and my mind knows me best and she looked at me, so worried, and replied.
"your mind is full of demons, your mind is clouded by depression and anxiety and all of the horrible things that have happened. You're mind is clouded, and that, you can't even see."
I spoke to me today.
I said "I know that it'll probably get better but I don't even know if I want it to"
Then I thought of all the people who come out the other end and rush back in to save the others, screaming "yes, come out please, yes, it is worth it, survive, and I promise you will thrive". I thought of my parents with a missing child, my young siblings with a hero gone, my family, a member gone. I stopped myself from taking 100 pills today and I'm trying my hardest to be proud of myself.
I spoke to me tonight.
I think some of the clouds are gone and I can see a bit more clearly now. I've got an entire lifetime ahead of me, one which I'm so excited for. I'm not feeling a lot better, only a bit. But I know the sun comes up tomorrow, and I know darkness will come again and again. Though, I also know that as I get older, and as I give myself more time to recover properly, the darkness will have a light, no matter how small, and my future will be bright, no matter how many times I fall.
I spoke to my dad tonight.
And his strong self cried because he spoke of me as his baby girl. He spoke of me as though he's preparing himself for my death, because that's all he can see in front of me.
I screamed at him that I need more positivity and he screamed back that it's hard when all of my 'recovery' has been trips to hospital at least once a month from overdoses which have brought me so close to death's door and phone calls and voice messages that he receives saying please come, your baby girl is in emergency.
I spoke to my therapist today.
I thanked her for everything, and got myself ready to leave. She asked me to wait.
She said 'please, if you were me, what would you do with this 17 year old girl'.
I told her that I'm capable of my decisions and my mind knows me best and she looked at me, so worried, and replied.
"your mind is full of demons, your mind is clouded by depression and anxiety and all of the horrible things that have happened. You're mind is clouded, and that, you can't even see."
I spoke to me today.
I said "I know that it'll probably get better but I don't even know if I want it to"
Then I thought of all the people who come out the other end and rush back in to save the others, screaming "yes, come out please, yes, it is worth it, survive, and I promise you will thrive". I thought of my parents with a missing child, my young siblings with a hero gone, my family, a member gone. I stopped myself from taking 100 pills today and I'm trying my hardest to be proud of myself.
I spoke to me tonight.
I think some of the clouds are gone and I can see a bit more clearly now. I've got an entire lifetime ahead of me, one which I'm so excited for. I'm not feeling a lot better, only a bit. But I know the sun comes up tomorrow, and I know darkness will come again and again. Though, I also know that as I get older, and as I give myself more time to recover properly, the darkness will have a light, no matter how small, and my future will be bright, no matter how many times I fall.
