Apr 2015
You hold your silence until one day you find that you’ve lost the ability to ever explain what’s eating you whole. You’ve spent your entire life just trying to make the minimum impact on people around you but you then found out the less you push them the more they push back and then suddenly you’re falling and no one will catch you, you’re flipping over the fence and now it’s just freefall, baby, you grasp on to anything tangible but it’s not enough, it’s never enough, you’ve been drowning for life but you only just recently lost the ability to breathe, you’re seeking something you can never touch and everything is sliding away from your grasp. All you are is losing, you’re losing everything you’ve ever wanted to love, you’re losing but you’re helping yourself lose because all you ever wanted is everyone you ever loved to gain what they’ve been searching for. It’s the kind of losing you can’t be mad about, the kind of losing that makes sense because at least they’re happy, at least they can have what you so desperately crave. The sunshine is recoiling from your skin but it’s okay because you know those rays of light will caress the skin of those who better deserve it.
You go to sleep surrounded by broken mirrors and shattered dreams and the ghosts of wishes you held tightly in your fists only to realize you crushed them against your palms. You’ve been making love to your fantasies all this time you forgot to remember love was just another fantasy you had once upon a time. At the end of the night you’re always left licking your wounds alone, the coppery taste a false flashback of the time you tasted them on your lips. The blankets you drag around your pale corpse are the only warmth you have left, the type of dead warmth that leaves your fingers frozen and your heart even more so.
You’re the placeholder, the leech, the drowning non-swimmer who drags everyone down with you; you cling to everything you get thrown because you’re so desperate to have a grasp on something. Invisibility would be a blessing if only you could shed your translucent skin at last. It’s been hard being shimmery see-through, enough to catch the eye but not enough to keep it. So you’re going to set fire to yourself, go out in a way that’s much more blaze than glory, leave behind ashes that will scatter before anyone has even noticed them blossom into existence. This is the kind of invisibility you’ve been dreaming of, the kind of freedom you’ve been aching for.
Life lesson: if you play with fire you’ll get burned, but if you play with nothingness it will swallow you whole.
You go to sleep surrounded by broken mirrors and shattered dreams and the ghosts of wishes you held tightly in your fists only to realize you crushed them against your palms. You’ve been making love to your fantasies all this time you forgot to remember love was just another fantasy you had once upon a time. At the end of the night you’re always left licking your wounds alone, the coppery taste a false flashback of the time you tasted them on your lips. The blankets you drag around your pale corpse are the only warmth you have left, the type of dead warmth that leaves your fingers frozen and your heart even more so.
You’re the placeholder, the leech, the drowning non-swimmer who drags everyone down with you; you cling to everything you get thrown because you’re so desperate to have a grasp on something. Invisibility would be a blessing if only you could shed your translucent skin at last. It’s been hard being shimmery see-through, enough to catch the eye but not enough to keep it. So you’re going to set fire to yourself, go out in a way that’s much more blaze than glory, leave behind ashes that will scatter before anyone has even noticed them blossom into existence. This is the kind of invisibility you’ve been dreaming of, the kind of freedom you’ve been aching for.
Life lesson: if you play with fire you’ll get burned, but if you play with nothingness it will swallow you whole.
