title then poem.
begin

fists clinched
my thumb hurts
my leg needs to be stretched
oh and I should throw this away

what is she doing?
does she know my hurt
my pain
my death inside?

I thought I told her!
she wants to see things casual
she wants to see things easy
well as long as I am this way
you have to deal with it

I slouch
I sit up
tension I can not get rid of

My eyes wonder to the outside
to avoid her
when the hell?
hell will I let go?
what must I do?

my thumb has been hurting
why I don't know
It shakes too
but I don't know

I thought I told her.
why must I see her this often?
it is as if she is ignoring it
she wants things back to "normal"
she wants things casual
casual, ha

she eats her sandwich and laughs
as if nothing has happened

she looks to my eyes for a smile
for any sign of change,
of letting go

the other one sits quietly
I wonder how much she knows
I wonder if she cares
at least she and I are comfortable with each other
thank God she is there
I can not think of the torture that
would be if it were just the first and I

I look to the cars
which could easily **** me
if I took but one "wrong" step

what words can I shout to
describe the pain that I inflict
upon myself?
why do I harm myself?
why do I hold on to that which is killing me?

you would think it would be easy to
pick off a leach from your lower leg
instead of watching it get bigger and bigger
what is it doing for me?

this is a parasitic relationship
not a mutual benefiting one
I need baking soda or something
I think I have some in the kitchen

if not a leach that I can take off, albeit painful
some of this must be on me
not thirty minutes can I go without getting distracted
it's never been like this

I can't wait to see if it gets worse.
that will be fun lol
I just can't wait

"I sing because You are good
because You are good to me."
ok fine

I said I would be more thankful
and I am, but I am impatient

I go to beer to escape that which is inescapable
and then regret it
and then regret ever meeting her
and then regret that I regret
will I even graduate?

this poem is useless
I don't know the first thing about myself

at least God knows me better than I do
better than I will ever know

at least He is on my side
He will help me.
won't He?