Garrett, you made me wonder
by kara-rose-trojan
All my friends are tortoise-shelled Merlins stalking statues
with their walking canes at dusk while
I pad behind them on all fours
as the day breaks the clouds like wet tissue.
And, Garrett, you broke the picket line –
Once the spotlight’s beam with that grin wider than yours and mine’s minds’ intangible illusions – Now the rustle of an intermission between stage and applause.
Our afternoons were spent sucking
nicotine out of burning daily afflictions
between raspy exasperations and half-laughing
declarations about how we couldn’t catch a break.
I would ask you why, but it’s not my place.
It’s not yours, either.
I’ll tell you The Why about me, Garrett. I’ll tell you the right
and proper Why I had to pause and stifle
my cigarette break before my wrists broke
before my wet-eyed babbling witnessed your last wave’s exhalation on all our friends
The Why I was 40 when I saw the shady What If [the same
that stalked you] linger round my mother. And
I heard your exhalation of “Mama Kara” and
I remembered how to act.
The Why I was 13 when I begged the ambiguous How Do I out of you
when I felt lifeless and pale within UIC's Courtyard -- all of our eyes spread white and feverish.
We can never pay for it -- too much of one thing is
Our buckled knees dragging the question to the fountain to make it drink.
Garrett – although so distant, the brush you had on me is the echo of a “Yup” and an “I know, right?” and "Yo, lemme get a square,"
that drowns out the reverberating sound
of grief-clapping palms,
and cries, of everyone’s “Why?”