my mind has been an empty chasm of forgotten words
i was a writer who can no longer write
a storyteller with no stories to tell
an artist with dried up paint and a broken easel
but

i forget that
i am also a person
a broken, timid person
once whole, once sure, once loved,
once
          me.

you break me
and crush me
between your fingers
squeezing the life out of me
until I falter and give in.
like a soft pill that was once hard
but diluted by water
i am molded by your fingertips
the ones that once held me lovingly,
but now pulverize me,
letting the crumbs of my past
filter through your grip
and onto the ground
where I continue to be tread upon
by you and everyone i've ever fallen for.

Listen to her heart
Fluttering.
Watch how his lips are
Stuttering.
Their palms are enclosed into
Fists.
Their bodies shrouded in heavy
Mist.
A clock chimes somewhere
Far.
This is them, at their weakest state;
*This is who they are.

can you safely say
that you have lived and laughed enough
can you confidently smile
without having to tuck in the deep convictions of your mind?
will you whisper to me the stories of your past
will you enchant me with the tears in your eyes?

your fragile heart will not be broken
the secrets of your mind unspoken
let me cradle your vulnerability to my wounded chest
so that we may mend each other in the process

I tore open the soft skin on my arm again*
soft skin? oh not anymore, actually.
more like scarred skin.
the healing scabs and emergency cells attempting to cover up old mistakes of the past.
seal them, heal them; leave them be.
what do I do now in this mess of blood and tears?
I sit here, undressed, a shivering mess-
afraid of nothing yet fearful of everything.
I am lost, confused,
hurting just to feel,
to feel alive again.
I'm afraid so please hold me
yet leave me alone because I am not sure what I want
what I should do
why I am still breathing.
**** me. leave me.
I think it is my time.

you're not perfection
(and never could be)
but darling
(though you see everyone that way indefinitely)
no one ever is
*(or ever could be)

I sit here with tear stained cheeks
and a pale face,
typing with shaking fingers in the dark night,
straining a mind consumed with pain to think
of words that no longer sound too foolish
or too youthful.
my heart pounds hard in my chest,
but I no longer feel it
knowing it will only beat for a while more.
my shallow breaths prepare for my final exhalation,
and the warmth in my physique diminishes
to winter once again.

What can I write about a dying girl
who had perished so many years ago?
nothing, honestly.
I sit here, lamenting the loss of someone
I used to know.
the reflection that I saw in the mirror every morning,
the face I used to paste a smile on every day,
the very skin I used to rip apart.
she had died somewhere,
in the midst of all that suffering.
and no one knew I was merely the walking embodiment of her.

And that is why
with icicles for fingers
and a hollow chest where my heart was
I write an elegy
for someone I used to love,
yet could never bring back.
as I am dying
just as she once was.

i'm not sure how-
how to break this cycle
the constant pounding in my head
the incessant whispers
the persistent hurt
the frustrating reiteration
each one more needless

fall after fall after f
                                   a
                                       l
                                          l

they s h o u t

and it feels like a million splinters
hit me in the chest, where it isn't
supposed to hurt.

they s t a r e

into thin air and the silence
is deafening and all I can
do is add to it.

they t a l k

but never to each other.
they're just like strangers;
two ghosts moving around
in one house.

they b r e a k

but I'm the only one broken, and
everyone smiles and tells me it's
just another fight.

they l i e*

and say that they're fine, and tell
me it's okay, and tell me it's stupid
that I don't believe that they love
each other

anymore.

the love I have for you
is a love untameable.
as wild as the wind
on a winter's night,
is as wild as my heart
beats for you.
your sweet voice drips like
tempting honey,
where I would be the only bee to taste it.
your heart contains joy
that I hope I have instilled,
and holds blood which
pumps for me alone.
the laughter which lights up your face,
illuminates my heart
and I love you even more
than the day before.

The fragments of blood and tears litter the floor.
A small pile of hair and human beside it.
A girl once strong- no not anymore.
The fire that once sparked her heart no longer lit.
It was almost a dream that had once come true,
But none of it seemed real anymore.
Broken promises and lies of the things we do-
In that little pile of debris was where her spirit tore.

I am

f  
     a
            l
                 l
                     i
                        n
                            g

and there is no one to catch me.

the letter on my doorstep I never wished to open,
the word unwritten and the picture unspoken,
the breeze despised and the heat adored,
or the deepest jungles left unexplored,
were you,
the twisted note birds left unsung
or the race that no one really won?
were you
the broken seal of a very old book
or a blown out candle
(because a breath was all it took)

*you were so many things I just couldn't see
there were so many you's
but only one of me.

they tell me not to believe in hell
or fear it, even
because "all good souls go to heaven"
but I never told them how wicked my soul is
and that hell was already in my head.

she is haunted by a beautiful sweet sadness that won't
                                                                                                 go
                                                                                                     away.

put out a cigarette on my tongue

and burn away the words

of yesterday.

It feels as if
What matters in my head
No longer matters
As soon as I hear your voice.
The love you engulf my heart in,
Allow my heartaches
And tortured soul
To relax in the open
Of your arms.
And when your eyes meet mine,
It's as if the whole world stops
And time freezes into a frame
That is ours and only ours.
Let us relive each moment
Together.
Forever.

her skin opened at the cut
like her lips opened at the hurt.

she cried out into the night when he left 

but when the blood began to drip,
she weeped no more.

Will you reach for the stars
When you're still on the ground?
Will you keep dancing
When you no longer hear sound?
Will you still love
Though your spirit is torn?
Will you still smile
When you're sad and forlorn?

*You were made to reach for stars
You cannot see,
Made to keep dancing
Though a dancer you'll never be.
Designed to love
When all hope is lost,
And to smile
Even with a heart full of frost.

i'm desperately longing for the way things used to be
when you were you and i were me.

I unravelled my thoughts on a public page.

I type this, sitting in my living room,
thousands of miles from where I was born,
in the middle of a work day,
avoiding responsibilities.

I suppose not much has changed.

And yet

There's a dreaming dog at my feet.
The table is decorated with dried flowers,
and under it, a tablecloth I spent too much on.
A tablecloth we spent too much on.

Happiness in the mundane -- is this what that is?