This lightning show has me thinking about that night again.
Without the self doubting guilt,
possibly for the first time.
Is it the combination of school and spring phermones?
The smell of the impending storms?
Or are you in my thoughts because I'm in yours.
The mixed tape spins again
turning silent keys.
The misfire of a cog
going nowhere forever.
Forever letting you go,
I've been waiting for no one.
A habit that's like breathing,
Subconscious and dangerous.
Your voice and silhouette saved in the corners of me.
So magnanimous in my youth,
how I miss her again.

I left Iowa at 24.
Yes, the situationship.
Yes, the aerobics instructor.
Here are the highlights:

I became his secret,
No clue what I was signing up for.
The restraint, excitement, and chemistry of working up a good sweat was hot.
Learning to hold and wield a sword, how to move and protect my body.
Something my inner child needed.
We would talk for hours about everything and nothing.
A best friend to fall hard for.

The performance in class stayed and staled, while outside of class turned into something else slowly at first.
Trading lessons turned into excuses and went from fun to work.
It became this nameless thing full of disappointment and canceled plans.
A Jekyll & Hyde of something familiar and painful, something I didn't agree to.

Now there were rules to follow and eggshells to avoid.
Never a compliment,
Always a back handed warning.
Reminders to not be 'that' girl.
Whatever that means, she was me.
Being called masochistic instead of romantic.
The familiar pull of wanting to be good enough for someone else.
Not knowing the approval I was seeking was my own.

The excitement of class now heavy.
Pretending not to care only confused me more. My feelings were the problem, not his behavior.
Grabbing me by the throat on his birthday was an 'accident'.
Choking me out, a teaching moment gone wrong.
Consent is knowing what to expect, and he didn't need it.
The cuts and bruises were always heart shaped, surely that's a sign.
My disassociation telling me that meant something special right?

Childhood words ringing in my ears: 'No one will believe you, no one really cares. He's embarassed by you, just like everyone else.' Class was so formal and he was always SO nice. The looks from women in class echoing what business did I have with him?

My compartmentalizing faded fast when I realized I was in love with a monster.
I spent most of class in the bathroom gasping for air, convincing myself I wasn't hyperventilating.
The tightness in my chest would go away once I caught my breath, right?
Surely I'd proven my worth, not realizing I was drowning it.
I found the courage to share my feelings and waited, for, silence.

I tried going east again, no dice.
I thought about going west and pieces fell into place.
I had a plan.
I could finally leave.
I could actually breathe.
I left my apprenticeship.
Sold everything I couldn't take.
Said goodbye to my pets and the life I had been building.
On paper it looked good
but I was running for my life.
I slept on a friends' floor,
Saying goodbye to people I didn't want to leave, who wouldn't understand why.

In true form, the universe made sure I was sticking to the plan.
Nightmares of pregnancy.
Last minute love confessions from earnest hearts.
More silence.
New obstacles.
More traps.
I couldn't get out fast enough.
My heart wasn't the only thing breaking.

I spent 3 lonely years out west.
Lonesome crowded west, oh yes.
Within 3 weeks I wanted to go home,
Everyone telling me to stick it out.
Everyone knew I was miserable.
I took the time to rebuild myself,
And am so grateful for those years.
My arrival and exit bittersweet,
To Oregon with love from me.

Dear Handsome,
It's me the self saboteur.
I love you and want you to stay
Because my heart felt home in your presence again.
Those cheekbones and curls get me every time. Make me weak in my **** knees. Your quiet bravado gets my attention and the swirl on your skin keeps it. I've told everyone but you, let me serenade us into oblivion.

I wanted to believe you when you said you wanted me. I've turned my mistakes into a life sentence, please know my actions were never out of malice. I'll love you deeply at the distance of your choosing. Thank you for every minute because I've loved you and you with it. Oh the bravery it takes to show up when you only know how to run. A current of passion I couldn't keep up with. This rice paper library expands and contracts, shaking my wooden heart from its rest.

I've wanted to be your person for decades. This tarot love translates as me being too much or not enough, never just right.
My anxiety still crafts tales about why you waited to reel me back in but didn't stick around. Throwing blame like confetti this beast comes back and it's always hungrier once you've left. Convincing me this daydream is the only way forward. I wish this love had the room to grow it deserves, not this quantum entanglement.

You've proven I'm best on paper as an examined interpretation. Under your microscope, come in, look close, and focus well. Dissect me further as you see fit.
The engine of your absence haunts me still. Infinite and anxious, shedding one painful scale at a time. Cheers to these feelings that don't leave me alone and this heart that loves to break.

You want to settle down anywhere but here and it kills me. I remember dancing in the rain before you left, after I finally came back. These days you dance with strangers, too busy to say hello while loving the world without me. Your voice and silhouette are just out of reach, baptizing my chapters with chance encounters.

I thought we were books on the same **** shelf. A treasure map of clues to piece our picture back together. Our recalescence is waiting behind every apology I have. All the things I wanted to say but didn't. The mixed tapes you'll never hear, the poems you'll never see. The eternity I waited just to stumble again. A novel of drafts becoming old fibers worn thin. They can't help but unravel you with me. An infinity of trees; ring, after ring, after ring..