This lightning show has me thinking about that night again.
Without the self doubting guilt,
possibly for the first time.
Is it the combination of school and spring phermones?
The smell of the impending storms?
Or are you in my thoughts because I'm in yours.
The mixed tape spins again
turning silent keys.
The misfire of a cog
going nowhere forever.
Forever letting you go,
I've been waiting for no one.
A habit that's like breathing,
Subconscious and dangerous.
Your voice and silhouette saved in the corners of me.
So magnanimous in my youth,
how I miss her again.

I left Iowa at 24.
Yes, the situationship.
Yes, the aerobics instructor.
Here are the highlights:

I became his secret,
No clue what I was signing up for.
The restraint, excitement, and chemistry of working up a good sweat was hot.
Learning to hold and wield a sword, how to move and protect my body.
Something my inner child needed.
We would talk for hours about everything and nothing.
A best friend to fall hard for.

The performance in class stayed and staled, while outside of class turned into something else slowly at first.
Trading lessons turned into excuses and went from fun to work.
It became this nameless thing full of disappointment and canceled plans.
A Jekyll & Hyde of something familiar and painful, something I didn't agree to.

Now there were rules to follow and eggshells to avoid.
Never a compliment,
Always a back handed warning.
Reminders to not be 'that' girl.
Whatever that means, she was me.
Being called masochistic instead of romantic.
The familiar pull of wanting to be good enough for someone else.
Not knowing the approval I was seeking was my own.

The excitement of class now heavy.
Pretending not to care only confused me more. My feelings were the problem, not his behavior.
Grabbing me by the throat on his birthday was an 'accident'.
Choking me out, a teaching moment gone wrong.
Consent is knowing what to expect, and he didn't need it.
The cuts and bruises were always heart shaped, surely that's a sign.
My disassociation telling me that meant something special right?

Childhood words ringing in my ears: 'No one will believe you, no one really cares. He's embarassed by you, just like everyone else.' Class was so formal and he was always SO nice. The looks from women in class echoing what business did I have with him?

My compartmentalizing faded fast when I realized I was in love with a monster.
I spent most of class in the bathroom gasping for air, convincing myself I wasn't hyperventilating.
The tightness in my chest would go away once I caught my breath, right?
Surely I'd proven my worth, not realizing I was drowning it.
I found the courage to share my feelings and waited, for, silence.

I tried going east again, no dice.
I thought about going west and pieces fell into place.
I had a plan.
I could finally leave.
I could actually breathe.
I left my apprenticeship.
Sold everything I couldn't take.
Said goodbye to my pets and the life I had been building.
On paper it looked good
but I was running for my life.
I slept on a friends' floor,
Saying goodbye to people I didn't want to leave, who wouldn't understand why.

In true form, the universe made sure I was sticking to the plan.
Nightmares of pregnancy.
Last minute love confessions from earnest hearts.
More silence.
New obstacles.
More traps.
I couldn't get out fast enough.
My heart wasn't the only thing breaking.

I spent 3 lonely years out west.
Lonesome crowded west, oh yes.
Within 3 weeks I wanted to go home,
Everyone telling me to stick it out.
Everyone knew I was miserable.
I took the time to rebuild myself,
And am so grateful for those years.
My arrival and exit bittersweet,
To Oregon with love from me.

Love is an adventure
And yes you are a piece of work.
Available when I no longer trust you,
I'm starved for something better than
This vaccuum you call love.

Bursting into the ether, you will
Finally know how I feel by way of
Collective consciousness.

You have the vocabulary of rice
And the presence of a bullet.
Hitting so close to its mark but
Only for a second.

This payback is what keeps us from each other.
In gun metal fashion you
Read my teeth like a manuscript.
Clumsy is for someone else,
An altar boy with flowers for hands.

Full of unanswered questions,
The pull between our magnets goes unsatisfied.
Round after round I surrender to
The phantom limb in my heart.

I'm buried under the rubble of
False teeth and shell casings.
You might not ever see me again.
This is torment in every language,
International dejection.

Dancing in the rain,
In our underwear, in the street.
The heavens wipe away my tears
Before they ever reach your feet.

Think of me during every downpour,
Drenching your senses.
I am the echo to your thunderclap
Shining electric.

Warm hellos and soft goodbyes
Are no longer welcome here.
Like a thief in the morning
You wrestle my demons dear.

Wipe the sleep from your eyelids
The blankets are everywhere.
Wash your face, make the tea,
Breakfast moves slowly here.

Truth be told and other lies
Mirror that stubborn stare.
Sunny skies and cloudy nights,
The gravity you can't bear.

Softly step over the laundry,
Keep clean for the things you wear.
Was it you, or was it me
Who managed to finally care.
Dear John

What good is a rib cage
That only holds a wooden heart?
Scalpel in hand you are Geppetto
To my marionette bones.

Snapping out of place
These tin man joints come loose for you.
With my cogs and spindles strewn about,
I hired a man to clean up your mess.

My diaphragm was made trampoline,
My ligaments turned silly putty,
He's heard of your capable hands.
Spinning cobwebs for lungs,
He made room for compulsory expansion.

I thought he was benefiting us but
Now I bleed grapevine.
My eyelids are sunflowers,
My cheeks lemongrass.

He has taken root and spread.
He wants me to reject your soil
And replace it with his own.

He's a breed far different from yours.
My curves, now rhododendron,
Are soft and tender.

They welcome rain with a slow deep sigh.
What was once wire and conduit
Is now a gently blooming garden.

I wasn't ready,
And like all things restless
It captured my attention.
Puzzle pieces fit together so well
When they have to.

Like a bailiff warranting a confession,
Anything's possible.
I'm stretched thin across the
Map of my responsibilities.
Strangled by sweaty sheets,
I surrender to these symptoms.

Parallel lives are born
As days blend into hallucination.
I want myself back.
I want Christmas lights and
Hardwood floors that warm me.
Where things slow down and songs are
Written in great attics of love.

These pieces of my forgotten history
Breathe life into my cells,
For better or worse.
Fighting between unconscious
And self conscious, I'm left waiting.

How long I've waited to make sense of this.
I need more than the promise of tomorrow.
In this body both worlds collide
In a miasma of sweat.
Even my dreams are hot to the touch.

Dear Handsome,
It's me the self saboteur.
I love you and wanted you to stay.
My heart felt at home in your presence again.
Those cheekbones and curls get me
Every time.

Makes me weak in my **** knees.
Your quiet bravado gets my attention
And the swirl on your skin keeps it.
I've told everyone but you,
Let me serenade us into oblivion.

I wanted to believe you
When you said you wanted me.
I turned my mistakes into a life sentence.
Please know my actions were
Never out of malice.
I'll love you deeply
At the distance of your choosing.
Thank you for every minute because
I've loved you and you with it.

Oh the bravery it takes to show up
When you only know how to run.
A current of passion
I couldn't keep up with.
This rice paper library
Expands and contracts,
Shaking my wooden heart from its rest.

I wanted to be your person for decades.
This tarot love translates as me being
Too much or not enough, never just right.
My anxiety still crafts tales about
Why you wait to reel me back in.
Throwing blame like confetti,
This beast comes back and it's
Always hungrier once you've left.
Convincing me this daydream
Is the only way forward.

I wish this love had
The room to grow it deserves,
Not this quantum entanglement.
You've proven I'm best on paper
As an examined interpretation.
I'm under your microscope,
Come in, look close, and focus well.
Dissect me further as you see fit.

The engine of your absence
Haunts me still.
Infinite and anxious,
I'm shedding one painful scale at a time.
Cheers to these feelings that won't leave,
And this heart that loves to break.

You want to settle down
Anywhere but here and it kills me.
I remember dancing in the rain
After I finally came back.
These days you dance with strangers,
Too busy to say hello
While loving the world without me.
Your voice and silhouette
Are just out of reach.
Baptizing my chapters
With chance encounters.

I thought we were books
On the same **** shelf.
A treasure map of clues to
Piece our picture back together.
Our recalesence is waiting
Behind every apology I have.

All the things I wanted to say but didn't.
The mixed tapes you'll never hear,
The poems you'll never see.
The eternity I waited just to stumble again.
A novel of drafts becoming
Old fibers worn thin.
They can't help but unravel you with me.
An infinity of trees
Ring, after ring, after ring..

There she is Mrs. America.
Glistening for you all
With her torch, tiara, and title.

Wave for her, I know she'll find a cure.
Look how she brought us here
To smile and tremble in final awe.

See she walks and see her pretty locks.
Look how she tends the flocks
Of children less mothers who beat the odds.

Share her fears, her intimate details.
No longer a strangers shell
Know why for her this is so real.

She and I know limits above the sky.
Tenacious and set so high,
A feeling of mutual time gone by.

Feel her pride, feel it from inside.
It no longer, no it doesn't have to hide.
She's changing the world stride by stride.

As of today
My friends no longer have rights.
Their lives are not protected by
The state constitution.

Their civil liberties gone
Because of weak men.
Because of weak women who
Protect cowardly men.

They say, "We'll all die someday"
And shrug their shoulders.
As if it's out of their hands
When they've calculated this.

They wait til midnight hours
To pass criminal bills.
They bury our futures in the
Small print of 'lesser' concerns.

The world is screaming
And my heart is heavy.
This is day one.

Size up your lover for me.
Elated and bouyant,
I bet they wax electric in your eyes.
It's not a surprise that I'm a mess again.
I whisper secrets into origami
Hoping they bring you back to me.
Remember all those nights we loved?

With paint brush arms we
Painted pastel sunsets.
The morning became a Picasso
We hung up to dry.
With fingers stitched together
We had hang overs for breakfast.
DIY and so beautiful,
It still lifts a storm.

We owls are pretending to be
Wise with our fate.
Those good old days are
Best left declawed.
Let the hanged man have his whiskey slur.
I miss your tigers' eye
Casting sparks under my pillow.

Let me offer you,
Stubborn and sensible,
A wild recalesence.
I am as useful as a unicorn
In the mess of leftovers paradise.
Holding a sign saying welcome home.

Infiltration always starts small.
You get a plan, plans change
And you work with what you get.

Sometimes you slip.
Someone spots a trigger switch
Peeking out of your pocket.
Plaid becomes a nucleic time bomb.

All radioactive wool
Full of flare and inch thick cuffs.
Hemmed by hand and covered with patches.
Each one detonating a different city.

Sitting quietly and unsuspecting
In the parking lot.
Dodge, Chrysler, and Volvo militaries,
Wait comfortably in line
With books & instruments
Miles from home.

Sometimes God walks in and
You know you're in trouble.
Caught by your bravery
And lack of Hail Marys.
You try to protect your victim from
Over exposure to the sun beating in your chest.

With a smile like the Moon you engage him.
Testing who smiles wider, you or God..
Your subjects like flowers,
Relishing in the light,
Gaze intensely mesmerized
At the sight of this silent war you've waged.

Feeling raw and wrung out
The humidity hangs heavy.
When one anniversary's healed
Another takes its place.

Death of a parent,
Eclipsed by the death of a friendship.
Death of a cousin,
Eclipsed by the death of my organs.

I'm shedding skin again
As another challenge begins.

A loved one leaving the country,
My heart is traveling outside my body.
My inner child sees the world
Through the ones I love.

This proxy tethers thin
Through the heat and dust.
My heart is not enough shield,
As my loneliness craves release.

Delicious torment.
Satisfying as a scab.
Patient, violent, and kind.
The masochists' wine.

Fruition fermented.
Succulent, seductive.
A painful map of desire.
Terrifying and everlasting.
Your ghost sits well over my frame.
My visage as honest.

Comfortable and compatible.
Our cracked hearts sprout
A flowering display
Of fingers laced around sleep.