they say lying is a kindness
and i always tried to be kind to you
but i'm no good at keeping people safe
so i only told you what was true

i didn't think i could do this alone
and some days are harder than most
but i'm muddling through
as you pale, in my mind - a ghost

it was no ones fault
yet i beg forgiveness in the dark
to hold you close, one last time
the only thing i'd ever ask

i think i lost the right to ask for anything a long time ago

i am the ghost to you
i wait in the empty space
for something that has passed
a time forgotten, or maybe it never existed at all

the sweetest haze of summer days excludes me
the way i thought i loved you eludes me

the Truth evades me
you do not tell me the Truth
i must learn on my own
to trust you; to love you

things have changed now
i am sick with worry
and you are far beyond the glass

let it change; let you be the one to change it
i will wait
but not forever

(this is to be read to the rhythm of tapping ******* of one hand against the wrist of the other twice, then repeating the action but using the opposite hand)

i belong on the train at night
track goes by with ***** of light
never will i leave or ever arrive
far in the distance, a child cries

(repeat repeat repeat repeat)
(repeat repeat repeat repeat)

(stop when you have calmed down or when the repetition becomes so that you hurt yourself. repeat everytime you can't handle your own existence)

tell me your secrets
you ask
late night, a thousand miles apart
the phone blinks

tell me your secrets
you ask
drinking, lying in your bed
arms touching

tell me your secrets
you ask
cup of coffee, over brunch
i stir in the milk

i smile slowly
i dont have any secrets
i say
tell me one of yours

i cant believe you believe me

I will always look for you, in a crowd.

Do you know what its like, to live at the edge? I am nothing special but you are bright and brilliant; I cannot help but bask in it.

People talk about you. I talk about you - every second sentence. No wonder they think I'm in love.

I don't know what I want.
I'd rather be in your light than anyone elses. When you single me out, I feel the warmth, the electric from your light, and I shine too.

Bright and brilliant, don't you see that? Don't you know how brilliant you are?

I don't know what I want and even if I did I wouldn't know what to do.

Besides, I've thought about these things, yet you haven't. I know that. It's never crossed your mind.

I'll love you in a thousand ways. I can't always help you, but if for one moment, you know how bright and brilliant you are, I will be happy. And when you know, you will shine so bright you'll never wonder how you could have forgotten it. I will shine that day, bathing in the warmth and the light.

Allow me this, allow me this.

tell me the truth
how are you feeling?
tell me the truth
is this what you want?
if it is i'll support you just
tell me the truth
bits of a broken heart
you've told me
the truth
tell me the truth
what wont you say
what wont you say to anyone
tell me the truth
the night makes me soft
they all talk
they say things
i wont listen
ill listen to you if you

tell me the truth

what is this? why?

would i want to know
if you told me the truth?

Poison
Running through me
You told me, I asked for the truth
You should have kept it from me
Soft futures and soft dreams
Soft girls wrapped up in promise

I do not fit
Too big, boy-girl
Too much, too soon
I was not meant to love you

But I did
And it was done
Swift kiss, shot right through me
The poison came later

You deserve eachother
I deserve a chance
Let the tide change

I won't look back

I held your hand ; I kissed you,
When I found you on the sand
Waiting in the water, ankle deep
Together, forever, we'll stand

I watched you as you watched the sea
Your palm, solid in mine
The water round our shins now
Unaware of the passage of time

The night draws ever closer
Water lapping at our thighs
We stand together, unmoving
Outlasting the darkening sky

The tide has over taken us
The beach line far away
The water rises higher
But here, with you, I will stay

The taste of salt is everywhere
I see in a blue green hue
The darkening sea has taken me
And here, I will wait for you

I could have kissed you

In the garden, with cold hands and muddled stars

My fingertips tracing patterns in the semi darkess - you trace back , you reciprocate

(do you feel the same? can I ever know you?)

I push back baby hairs, kiss your forehead
Night makes kings and fools of all of us

Staring in the quiet, numb fingers pull on yours

(you reciprocate)

(you are like me, but you say so many words, words to make trivial a kiss, yet words to make heavy this night)

Past faces and wandering hands come into view
I loved her, yet what she did was not love

Is this different? 

Are you different?

And I could have kissed you ( I should have kissed you ) but a sober heart keeps you not quite close.

I have loved, and I could love again

The future, hold my heart, not missing a beat.

My dad, with depression

It's probably not a new thing
There are other things to think about, talk about, walk and live our lives about,

We never talked about it
Until we did

I wasn't wearing my glasses ; I cried
You cried
Mum came in
I cried again
I cried in the shower and I cried into my breakfast, staring off into the distance

I've always known
I realise that now - I've always known
It all fits, a poster book

My dad, with depression

To paraphrase a friend, it *****
It ***** for you, and it ***** for my brother
Who'll grow up with these experiences and yet have no name for them
Accept them as normal
Until one day there not
One day you're old enough and yet you're somehow never old enough to hear that

It continues
I continue to attempt understanding
We don't talk about it
Sometimes I talk to Mum
Half truths ; not saying the words
I am not built to do this
Is anyone?

A whole history, hidden from me, is revealed
Of medicine and doctors and councillors
I don't know how my brother feels about it ; I don't know how to feel about it

My dad, with depression

Time rolls on, and I with it

If all the world is a stage
And all the men and women merely players,
What am I, if I am either and neither?
You condemn us for creating our own words
To describe the mess of our heads
But you forget
You were born with the script
I was born without even the language to describe how I'm feeling
So we hit back, break the ceiling
Forgive me if my words confuse you
I've never felt yours made sense.

A girl, barely
A boy, nearly
A half and half

Hide your need in plain sight
Hide your want in stereotypes
Fight those thoughts, leave well alone
Fight the body, so unlike a home
Tear off the false; the breath; the skin
Devour the falsehoods that lie within
Do not define me as you would yours
I am alive, of kindness and claws
I who will hold the sacrifice
I who will suffer, your will suffice
The deed is done, I am no plurality
I am singular, a they / them disparity

There once was a guy named Marx
Who thought the bourgeosie were a bunch of old farts
He proposed a solution
Socialist revolution!
But when will it happen? Don't ask!

Russia's first ****** was Lenin
His blueprint for Russia was telling
Although his hairline receded
He finally succeded!
By stopping those Whites from rebelling

Oh what a poor sap was Engels
He built communism from its fundamentals
He helped write the book
Yet we gave him the hook
Marx, the chorus, and he, the instrumental

I am not a girl
I am a mess
Yet you force me in this dress
I'm so full of white lies
Bright eyes
Mouth to big for the sharp tongue
Spit the words
But I know whats best
Flat chest
Desperate to leave the nest
They don't get me
Silence, filling her
Drowning me
No demons, no darkness
Only absence
The girl that's not quite there
Human mix up
Running scared

Girl things

An old friend ; a common alias
A time worn facade
A mask, protection
A lie, deflection

Boy things

Alien ; foreign
Yearning
Bad tasting, false 
Fear , persecution

Girl things? Boy things?
My things

Girls like boys they say
Boys like girls the same way

But girls like girls like I do
And boys like boys too

Girls are girls they say
Boys are boys in the same way

But I am neither
Not girl things
Not boys things either

Boy? Girl? Me

He? She?

They

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No! It's the kid with the gender neutral name!
They'll catch bad guys
With a flick of their eyes
But we still don't know
What's between their thighs
Save kittens from trees and babies from homes
But who knows their ***? their chromosomes?
They'll steal your girl
Then steal away
It's the Gender Pretender
who'll save the day

you promised to pluck the stars from the sky
to place between our hearts
but oh my, you already held galaxies in your fingertips
when your hand touched mine
grasped it tight and we thought of home
among the shining, shimmering embers
i loved you more than all the stars in the sky
oh god
if you ever came back
i would open my heart
and the stars would stream out
and I could love you again

No one loves the night like I do
Darkness, pours through my skin
Stars, pool inbetween my bones
Worry - cease
My aching bones, cease
The galaxies held in the skies
Are held in my eyes now

And know that I never loved you
It wasn't a kiss
When I tore at your throat
Light - cease
Darkness overcame me
I will love you no more
The moon blinks
And I - cease

I know you hate yourself
I know that you don't eat
I know that you self harm
I can see it

I know that you're depressed
I know you've tried before
To end your life
Because there's nothing to live for
Anymore

But there's just so much
And I'm only young
So I'll hide my insecurites
Bundle up my problems
And be your ray of sun

"She's always so carefree
Ever the optimist
Happy-go-lucky
I wish I could be like her"

But I don't mind
I'll do it without fail
Because the only other option
Is I let you fall

Proud?
Of course I'm proud
I always have been
Of everything you are
Through everything you did
Maybe you've felt better
But right now you're doing fine
And that's all I could ever ask

i'm not okay

just for a few hours
when the world doesn't sit right
and everything is wrong
and i am wrong
and i can't do anything

when there's no future
no purpose
no reason for me to exist

not die
just stop
and blink out

it's just for a few hours
then i'll be fine
i'll smile at your jokes
and read my lines precisely

it doesn't change the fact that for a few hours
all i wanted
was to grasp a shard of glass in my hand
feel the cold
and squeeze

You use your big words
Filling the cathedral of your mouth
And little else
No one's listening

Brass lips making brass sounds
Words of importance
That will take significance tomorrow
If tomorrow ever comes

Filling your brass heart
With words spoken in a tongue you can't quite grasp
Filling the empty with nothings and forevers
It doesn't mean ****

You speak your words
For no one but yourself
Find love in others tomorrow
But tomorrow never came

A young man said to a lady
"You'd be pretty if you weren't so fat"
So she sat on his head
And squashed him quite dead
And said "You'd be pretty if you weren't so flat."

When I came out to you
You laughed at me
And I felt like ****
I like you - we went on holiday together
But you don't like me

"Gay guys are alright
But it would be weird to know a lesbian
What if she had a crush on me?"
I like you - you have a cute laugh
But you wouldn't like me

Two girls at the back if the bus
"You guys aren't lesbians are you?
Because if you are, we won't sit with you."
I like you - you're popular and funny
But you wouldn't like me

There's a strange boy at Scouts
"Oh yeah he's such a *******,
he must be gay."
I like you - we went to camp together
But you wouldn't like me

"I was at the cinema the other day
I saw two girls kissing
It was so gross."
I like you - you'd always beat me at cards
But you wouldn't like me

If I told you I was gay
How would you react?
I'd still like you
But you wouldn't like me

Under the willow
Where the flowers make a pillow
And your eyes shine gently like the stars
Under the willow
Where the great wind billows
It's so quiet we can't even hear the cars
I'll be there
I'll be there
I will whisper words of love into your hair
And when your heart is full of ghosts
And you need my heart the most
I'll be underneath the willow waiting there

Under the willow
Where the sun is soft and mellow
As the morning light creates a misty haze
Under the willow
Where your hair it looks so yellow
As the sunrise sets the colours all ablaze
I'll be there
I'll be there
I will whisper words of love to show I care
And when your heart starts to shift
And you think you need a lift
I'll be underneath the willow waiting there

I am the chalk 
And the lines on the page
I am memory
Of books and pens and age
I who stand the test of time
Written in the stone
I am numbers and theory 
Ageless I become

You are the blood and the soil
The cliffs and the sea 
Harsh, like hail
Soft, like the breeze
You are the wind in the sails
You are the butterflies freed

I am hard like glasses
The world in sharp relief
I see the the order so plain
The detail beneath

You are soft and unclear
I can't quite seem to grasp
You're the stars at night time
A mystery shrouded in glass

You are ever changing
I am solid in state
You'll leave me one day in the twilight
And I'll remain here, innate

Her heart was made of flowers
But her outside long decayed
She lived a life of beauty
So in beauty, she stayed

Forever

You might not mean that much the world
But you mean the world to me
Because when we're together
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
I'll take you by the hand
And help you paint the stars
Because when we're together
I forget about my scars

You show me moons and worlds and things
I'd never dreamed I'd see
Because when we're together
I see all you mean to me
I'll look into your eyes
And I'll help you find the light
Because when we're together
I know we'll be alright

A wise man called and asked his son
'What would be changed in the world
if I were gone?

Nothing would be changed.

The moon would set
And the sun would rise
The Earth would keep on turning
And clouds would still tumble over eggshell skies
So why should I stay?'

The son got up and replied in haste
'But father, it would be such a waste
For the stars are nothing
Without man to behold
To marvel how creation
Could ever be so bold

And although new days would dawn
And the sun would still rise
I would look upon the sight
With hardened eyes

You don't mean anything to the world
But you mean the world to me.'

So the wise man laughed
Then the wise man cried
And when the new day broke
He looked upon his son
With hope in his eyes

The house is empty
But the kettle's hot
The walls are bare
But the door's unlocked
The receivers ringing
But the phone's on hold
The lights are on
But the rooms gone cold
The windows are open
But the glass is cracked
The suns still shining
But the sky's gone black
The blood's still pooling on the bathroom floor
'Cause what's hiding there
Isn't hiding anymore

The walls (pastel blue)
The cupboards (shut)
The cot (empty)
The curtains (drawn)

The toys (unmoving)
The sheets (crisp)
The books (unopened)
The door (unlocked)

Sat alone (in the dark)
A man (two hearts)
Hums a tune (never sung)
To a child (never born)

Love is stupid
Illogical
But then again
What's life without love?
Like an instagram filter
The world seems happier
When she smiles
And your heart leaps
When she speaks
You know it can't last
You'll feel crushed when its over
But at the time
It seems like forever
Love is still stupid though
****** stupid heart.

Suspicious milk
There when I got home
In a tub
Surrounded by water
Or milk blood
Ostracised from the fridge
Left alone to die
Why?
Did you commit milk atrocities?
****** innocent milk bottles?
Or maybe you're a secret agent
The names skimmed
Semi-skimmed
He's like the FBI in your fridge!
He's like the CIA on your cereal!
He's like the MI5 for your cookies!
Did you get all that
Full fat?
After those Oreos!
With their twisting
Licking
Dunking
Dunking their souls into the blood of our young
Or maybe not
Cow juice, alone on the breakfast bar
Not that far
Milk on the sill, defrosting.
Watching.

Before you
I knew squat about love
You read of it in books
Hear on it in songs
But never truly felt it
Before you came along
Now I feel like my whole world
Has a new purpose
And I'm scared
Because I've never felt this way before
And it will hurt
I know
Because the daydreams aren't real
And I can't expect them to be
You are my whole world
You helped me realise what I need to do
And I love you with all of my heart
Because love is the only uncharted water
In a world of maps
And I dived right in
Drowning

Go away
I was doing fine
Till you waltzed in
With your perfect hair
Beautiful eyes
I had purpose!
I could focus!
Before you waltzed in
Destroying
Gracefully
Please go away
But then
If you left
Would there be any point?
Stay
Maybe
For one more day

Stumble trip stumble trip
You quickly turn your head
Stumble trip stumble trip
A path angels fear to tread

Fast then but faster now
The eyes are glowing red
Faster! Faster! Faster again!
Because the creatures want you dead

You can feel them, closer than before
And so you run at faster pace
But then the lonely angel calls
And you fall into her embrace

They come in the night
The monsters
Tear down the walls
You built
Destroy
They don't care that you're nice
Or you get all A*s
Or you have friends
Or that you love them
They hurt them anyway
Because your own problems
Are rarely just your own
And that's the worst part

I stand at a crossroads
Or is it a journey?
A progression of thoughts, feelings?
Thinking - could it be?
I am in love?
What is love?
Is it a lark? Is it is a game?
Is it the feeling when she says my name?
Is it hard to know? Is it a breeze?
Is the shaking I get in my knees?
Is it just chemicals in my brain?
Or is it something more ... Humane?
I'm normally good with language and phrases
But when she's talking they just become mazes
The past is murky
The future unknown
I stand at a crossroads
Confused, but not alone.