“It’s been trying to rain.” My Grandfather said to me over the summer
Not even looking at the bright hot blue sky with very few clouds
As if they each were a living thing, capable of trying to do anything at all

A couple days later, it rained for a few dozen hours straight
Y’know, for a long while now, I’ve felt like I’m finally on the path of self-discovery
That I’m mere inches away from self-actualization
Now, I wish that it would finally come

I’ve been relearning most of the things that I thought I knew
Like how to read and write and think and feel
I’m even learning new lessons
Like how to believe
And be strong
And be calm
Hoping to be wise one day
Like my Grandfather

And on the day he died, it rained all night
The world was weeping, its tears
Were frozen and bitter

I don’t know what to say
But I know now that I can feel because
I can point out the sorrow constantly in my chest
I can taste the burning sensation
Bubbling up the back of my throat

I have never felt this way before
I’m trying to be strong
But realization, it comes in waves
We never got to go fishing again
Never got to grow one more garden in the spring

According to mom, grandpa was my first word
And I’ve found myself speaking a lot more softly than average
Like a lone cloud in the desert when it’s trying to rain

I've been staring into the dark every night thinking of nothing
But when I do think, lately I’ve been thinking of, well
It’s hard to explain, but it feels like that self-actualization
It feels like it’s across some vast, empty part of my soul
And through much, much more pain
But it’s waiting for days later
When hopefully I’ll understand life and death
And my spot in between them both

I know nothing of death
That’s why I’ll always love the music that the river makes
That’s why I’ll always love the feeling of dirt under my nails
And the smell of the air when it’s trying to rain
Cause I know that this is life, life is precious
Life is the most beautiful thing in the universe

Two weeks later and the world is crying bitter cold tears again
And I know in my heart I’ll never feel the same warmth
I’ll never be used to this, everything is changed
My eyes are always trying to rain
But I’m learning something important
Hopefully I'll learn what
The lesson is
Soon

You are the curve of the earth
As it fades into the heavens
The golden sunlight
Spilling over the canopy of the forest
And in your rolling hills, hollows and cliffs
I will find myself

Your eyes
They are the reflection of the sky
On the rippling surface of the river
The gray blue of the stones
Underneath the waterfall
The silver lining in between
Every tuft of cotton clouds
Glowing in the sunset
I will follow the beating of your heart
Like I follow every bend of the Delaware
Until I reach the sea

I hear your laughter
In the breathing of the wind
In chimes and in church bells
In the pounding of the water
As it roars across the mountainside

I love you
Like a tiny bird loves every crevice
Of a tree that grows from a sheer rock face
Like an eagle loves the freedom of the air
Like the moon loves the earth and the earth loves the sun
Like the universe loves the nothingness
The emptiness
The silence
For every once in a long, long while
That nothing becomes something
And that's what makes it beautiful

You are the tree growing
Out of the unforgiving stone
You are the warmth of a sunrise
Slipping over the cold, lonely world
You are the clouds that peer from up high
Deep down into the valleys
You are the waterfall
That pours itself into the river

You are the something
That sometimes comes out of nothing
You are everything and more
I'm sorry, these words don't do you justice
But you are the force behind them
That makes them beautiful

I love you

B e a u t y

I have discovered a different meaning of that word
I catch myself
Staring
Sometimes

Like I've never seen a door hinge or a pebble before
They tend to
Catch me
Off guard
Nowadays

These words are so *beautiful when you read them softly
Like I used to
Read your lips
While you
Whispered
In your
Sleep

U g l y

I now know how to define this word
It's the truth that I still
Catch myself
Creeping
On your
Facebook
Page

That I miss you

That I want nothing more
Than to erase everything
You are to me

That I want you

That I hate you for doing this to me
Nothing

Besides make me wonder why
You're still as beautiful as you always were
And I'm more ugly than I've ever been

The ugly truth is that I did this to myself
So I hide it in my new addictions
That only make me cough
Sleep, and feel like ****

And it's beautiful, this nothingness
Everything is read softly, the ground, the trees, the stars
I often catch myself staring at the ceiling or the walls
Like they are masterpieces

And you're beautiful, this nothingness
Catches me
Off guard
Sometimes,

That's when I think
Too *******
*******
Much

I catch myself off guard
And I think of you
While I put the
Writing on
The walls
That don't
Look
Back

" I l o v e y o u . " I write.

If somehow you see it scribbled in the dark above your bed
Or behind the sweaty face of some other, better man
Please just remember
Read it softly
Say it gently

Read it tenderly out loud
As if it still meant a ******* thing

I couldn't bear it if you don't

walk in the dark
down a silent street
streetlights are glaring pale orange suns
casting everything in their hateful hue
and it feels like the stones of the sidewalk
are all unwritten tombstones
and you can hear the dead
rolling around
and moaning
in despair
the cars roaring in the distance
sound as if the gates of hell had opened and
satan's army is chasing you
there is malice in the air
and you are more afraid than you've ever been in your whole life
you're sure that
your heart is
about to
flat
li
ne
...e
.....e
...e
.e
e
.e
...e
......e
..........e
.­.......e
.....e
..e
.e
e
e
e
.
.
.
.
.
.
you will never be safe again when
the halloween pumpkins on your porch sneer like
demons knowing your demise
and you have to be quiet or they'll
hear you
oh god, they'll
hear you
the houses across the street conceal monsters, malefactors
a few satanic sacrificial torture cults,
some serial killers/rapists, the general psychopaths, or
maybe even slenderman himself
everyone knows that killers are quiet
so be absolutely silent
or they will
surely
hear
youu
......u
.....u
.....u
....u
....u
.
.
.
.
y­ou should have stayed inside
now you can’t find your happy place
just a place where people can’t stop sweating
and their hearts are in the backs of their throats
. b
...e
...a
.....t
....i
....n
...g
oh god, they'll
hear you
you are breathing way too loudly
and coughing up a trail of blood
for the hounds of hell
to follow
wearing a choker of jingling fear
each step echoes like the dying breath of a bad memory
motion sensor spotlights screech on and off like flickering banshees
and the leaves blowing down the road sound
like the marching of the god of death coming to
get you, oh god he
heard you
and suddenly the street is flooded with your worst fear
everyone heard you
coughing out
your hopes
and d
.......r
........e
......a
.........m
........s
.
.
.
.
.
the only thing worse than things seeming to move
by
too
fast is when things suddenly
sit
t
….o
…….…o
……………..o
………………….…o
……………………..……...o
………­……………………………..o
....………………………………...……….….o
. s :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::­:::
……..t :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
………­……i ::::::::::::::::
……………………..l :::::::::::::::::::::::::::
………………………………….l::::::::::::::::­:
…………………………………………………..l (i can see the shadow of time)
and you are a spider, dead in the web, torn
apart by little bugs