here's to:
my first kiss (and first everything, really),
my friends who can't take their masks off,
my friends who never wear any mask,
my family that's getting better,
my financial problem which doesn't get better (yet),
my neighbor who yelled at me for making out in front of her house,
my mom who has kicked depression's ****,
my sister who has kicked cancer's ****,
my father who's still kicking and kicking,
my grandma's and grandpa who supply me with food,
my significant other who's laying on his bed at his home in Australia,
my online friends who never forget about me,
my followers here, and on twitter, and on tumblr,
and every single one of you who's reading this right now,

happy new year.

I. You were the one who turned on the light when I was surrounded by darkness and now that you've left it's slowly getting dark again. I wish you never left or at least I wish you remembered to teach me how to keep the light on.

II. You made me forget how hating myself felt like, but forgetting doesn't always mean stopping. Where are you? I need you more than ever, darling.

III. Earlier today my hands started shaking and I'm still not sure whether it was from the coffee I drank or because you were sitting right in front of me but you never looked at my eyes.

IV. I think it's ironic how you didn't even think to hold a conversation longer than three sentences with me because I used to be the first thing that crossed your mind when you woke up and you used to tell me stories about the universe. Why couldn't you stay?

V. It's the longest rainy season since 2007 and sometimes I wonder if it's just the universe's way to remind you of me. Remember when I asked you to point out little facts about me and you said number one was how much I loved the rain? Do you still think about it when you're awakened by the sound of water falling down your window pane?

VI. I thought I was starting to get over you but I was wrong. **** it, I am always wrong. I miss you and I love you like hell and I ******* wish you could see that.

I can count on my fingers the boys with rough hands traveling up my skirt with their tongues down my throat that only knew how to destroy girls. I can close my eyes and see the girls with soft skin that smelt of cheap wine that spoke the sweetest words to me, but only wanted me as their secret or play toy.
I have started to self destruct, beating my fists on walls until they turn black and blue because I can no longer stand on my own with with these hollow bones and broken lungs.
I try and not think of you when the chorus picks up in that song or when the sun kisses the sky goodnight before it sleeps or when I'm staring at the bottom of the bottle but you're there you're there you're there
and there have been pills and pills and pills prescribed for my failing heart, but I've been smoking my cigarettes not giving a **** about the bomb about to go off inside me. My skin has become tighter around my chest, counting ribs like the days you'd told me you'd stay.
I fell for you again but I am always the other girl I am second I am last I am nothing
I find love in straight lines and giving away the parts of me that should only be for you or for me but my body is not a temple and you are not going to worship it, so why should I?
My first meal in weeks was a bottle of my moms prozac and I found myself behind the wheel driving past the bus stop where you first told me you loved me, not realizing what those three words meant to me. Why my foot pressed down on the gas and why I turned down your street will always make me question my sanity, but I closed my eyes until I heard sirens and your voice whispering my name.
I miss the comfort in your voice, but if you look at the moon and think of her too, leave me at the side of the road like so many before have because I am tired of being the other girl and I am tired of feeling trapped in three words that mean far too much to me.

I was just thinking about lyfe and my mind decided to run away and come up with some weird questions. Here they are!

If you were a squid, what would your favorite kind of muffin be?

If you were a riptide sqiud what would your----OSTRICH ATTACK!!!!




OH NO! Sorry. Just got attacked by an un-adhesified ostrich. I will continue now.


If you were a riptide squid, would you have a white car?

If you were a cat what would be your favourite type of human?

If you were a Cat food truck driver, on a scale of 1-10, how tasty would you consider yourself to be?

What would your reaction be if you were at your favorite restaurant and suddenly a dolphin wearing a fake mustache as a disguise, and eating a fajita appeared on your head and began to tap dance while singing twinkle twinkle little star in a high opera voice?