i let you dangle between my index and middle fingers;
       like how a painter would hold a paintbrush loaded with paint when he was idly thinking of finishing details to accentuate the beauty of his visual symphony

       i **** a breath with you between my lips;
       like how we used those special swirly straws to sip milkshakes and lemonade on hot summer days

       i take a deep breathe and exhale;
       like how i'd exude an exasperated sigh whenever you would drive me crazy on nights we would bicker over the most trivial of things, on nights you wouldnt let me finish my two thousand-word essay just so you could "hear my voice". it's sweet, yeah, but for the love of god, give me a break

lather, rinse, and repeat.

you were more like a cigarette than i though

you were with me when i painted the portrait of my childhood on the canvas of the first 10 years of my life. you walked with me on the sidewalks of playful banter that borders the avenue of worthless spats.

you singe holes in my chest
white, burning ashes scattering all across my entire being, contaminating every nook and corner it could find. tainting it with a thick cloud of hazy lies.
you fill my head with a fog of gullibility-inducing smoke, using the images of each and every memorabilia shared between two childhood chums.
you churn my stomach with the putrid odor of nicotine and tobacco, but i stick with you anyway.
you burned my skin with every puff of smoke, tainting my skin with goodbyes

you made me happy, scratch that;
you made me elated, ecstatic, euphoric
every other positive e-word
however,
someday
you would be
**the death of me

you were my world
you were my showers of confetti
my honking of bullhorns
my grand release of doves and balloons
every message, every notification from you would excite every cell in my body
my bones would turn into a gelatinous mess
leaving me vulnerable and weak
leaving me breathless to whatever you had to say

you were my favorite kind of night
unexpected phone calls from you would leave my heart racing
would leave a gigantic grin on my face
hearing your deep, echoic voice
talk about your favorite things, your passions just made me fall in love with you more
and your smile
oh God, that smile
(But that smile is for a different story...)

i knew it was a trap, that it wasn't real
i knew i shouldn't have fallen for it
but you knew exactly what to say
to make me fall in love with you

you were my blanket of reality
made of faux leather
fragrant lies and sweet drops of poison
were your main themes
one by one you feed me with your poison
one by one you bless me with your
lies
and i was falling for it

no string of words could ever express how hurt i was to find out that
it
wasn't
just
me

i was hurt
but i wasn't surprised

you, were my happiness
and i was just one of your sweet escapes

Everytime i see her
i say to myself
"if i try hard enough, i could at least be half the girl she is"
but i try
i try and i try
i try harder and harder
but no matter how hard i try, i can never be her

i know the saying
"we were not made to please everyone"
but why do i feel like that is my life's obligation
why do i feel like this whirlpool of emotions always pulls me down
round and round
spiraling down, pulling me as i grasp for air
i try to breathe, but i intake and suffocate from all the pain and
all the sufferings i've been enduring
i've taken in too much
i can't do this anymore

i need relief
i need pain
beautiful pain
and that, i have found with just a single, simple blade

but you know what
maybe i should just give up
i know i wouldnt make anyone happy
whats the point in living a useless life
if you cant even make one person glad for theirs

i know what you think of me
i know im not worth it
i know all those smiles
those comforting messages
those uplifting jokes
i know all those were not because you loved me
but because you feel obligated to make me feel that i matter
im not stupid
im not blind

but maybe
i've
been
tolerating
too much