it's sad that you are no longer her
I don't cry anymore I wish I did because when you were alive and in my heart crying was the only way I could reach you
but now I don't and it's sad that you're no longer her, my angel

I'm not a winner
I'm not a fighter
I'm not a beliver
I'm not a hoper
I'm not a giver
I'm not a lover
I'm not outgoing
I'm not smart
I'm not pretty
I'm not beautiful
I'm not afraid
I'm not scared
I DON'T BELEIVE PEOPLE THAT TELL ME THIS
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW RIGHT AWAY THAT
THERE JUST SCARED TO SAY THE REAL THINGS

I coloured my world today
my hands smeared in pastels
canary yellows
ripe peaches and cardinal ochres
pink from a flamingo sunrise
a passionate cerise

Splashed
an array of feisty blues
a flamboyant turquoise
a topaz tango
a twinkling periwinkle

Streaked it with
beams of gold
contoured lilac smudges
lavender tipped edges
in custard pineapple floats

Splattered emeralds, toned pistachio
fern greens with swift finger strokes.

Tempered it with
muddy crusty earthy browns
rock coloured sandy mounds
reined in royal purple
the sensual blaze of a flaming sunset
the dark indigo of a gloaming sky
agate drops a few
a silver sliver of a crescent new

I coloured my world
with my eyes
my fingers, my hands
my hues
....just the way I wanted to

I have heard and seen it all
In the high school girls' bathroom stalls
Somebody's boyfriend loves them
But only if they "take it in the ****"
Somebody believes herself to be
Strong like the ocean
Another wishes someone would just **** her already
Someone has just given up
Their "vandalism virginity"
Someone really enjoys spurting male anatomy
Some girl cuts herself just to feel something
Another one forces the food up her throat
Every time she eats
I, too, am guilty of writing in ink
"I am broken, but don't want to be fixed"
"All you need is faith, trust, and a little gay lust"
"I'm ready to shoot myself"
I've added to that petty hottie list
And I've dented the wall with a fist
A time or two before
But this isn't about me
It's about the honesty
The opening up
That only comes with anonymity
In the high school girls' bathroom stalls

I hate myself
I hate my writting
I hate to believe
I hate my life
I hate to hope
I hate to care
I hate my feelings
Most of all I hate
my memories

I let you push me
I let you hurt me
I let you make me suffer
I let you make fun of
me
I let you bring me down
I let you put me through
pain
I let you tell me that I'm
not good enough
I LET YOU DO EVERYTHING
        TO PUT ME DOWN
BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ANY
         MORE I GIVE UP
ON EVEYTHING THAT I LOVE