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162 · Aug 2021
fair enough?
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2021
when i see around
i wonder
why some feel the sun
while others experience thunder
is God unfair
or it's just how life's planned
some have their hands full
while others lack full hands
some run after money
while others look for lust
some become criminals
while others can never be just
some are dark
some are deep
while others have
secrets to keep
so dear reader
when i say
understanding the world
is no child's play
please stop looking
for things that can't be found
-for the loveliest of words
will never have a sound
why's everything the way it is, huh?
162 · Mar 2023
misery
Påłpëbŕå Mar 2023
i know you're right
but i ain't wrong either
maybe that's why we fight,
we are cursed creatures
i love you too much
and you too love me back
just not enough
and thus our bond cracks
you hurt me with your words
and make me feel like ****
my thoughts remain unheard
because i don't want us to split
it's painful for me though
that i shall confess
turning my dearest friend into foe
is making my chest compress
i can't breathe
i am asphyxiating
the walls are crawling in on me
the pain is excruciating
i hope now you'll be happy
when i will push him away
cutting my wrists open
i will bleed myself dry today

and that's why i am afraid of joy
like my life's dark-twisted ploy
the more i smile now
the more i shall cry later
my trust in "love laugh live"
shall always waiver
i was born to be alone
and alone i shall be
in my kingdom's throne
i shall live with misery
162 · Sep 2023
a yelp for help
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2023
often wonder i how would it feel
when my cut open wrists would bleed
saving me from taking the next breath,
i happily choose the easiest of death!
because living is a chore i cannot do
everything's black, devoid of a hue!

yet a part of me wishes to be found
hearing me out when i suffer without a sound

helping me come back from this dark deep hole
and make me acquainted with my spirited soul

for i know there's a part of me that wants to survive
a beating heart and bruised body still wanting to thrive

a little push to pull me from the edge
a shoulder to lean on is all i fetch

somebody, anybody to shake some sane sense into me
when the noose around my neck constricts tightly

i wish i could just speak whatever is bottled within
and maybe that could save me from committing this sin

but who? how? when? and what? could help this failing will
a person, a parent, a sign or a shrink would help me before i ****?
or is there one another being who'll be there?
-the one standing behind the mirror with a sanguine stare
161 · Jun 2021
Misfit To Mefit
Påłpëbŕå Jun 2021
From the tender age of twelve

I've found refuge in a bookshelf

In a story I would delve,

To be totally myself.


From pride to prejudice

All I found was bliss,

That I forgot all the facades

Of their judgemental shades.



I was the "different" kid

In the crowd I hid,

Escaping the reality in fiction

I lived in the story-depiction.


I was a misfit

For I was built

Of

A soul so shattered

A heart bitterly battered

Thoughts totally tattered

Words wisely clattered;


Tagged as the "******"

I faked bravado

And each day

Until I found my way

And be completely okay

Did I say-

"I am me

and me being me

makes me happy

putting this into poetry

is my way of therapy,

for I choose to be free

in all my oddity,

for I choose to be free

in all my oddity"
160 · Jul 2023
CLOUD
Påłpëbŕå Jul 2023
without words i am just another aimless cloud
floating my way through this warm warm life
trying to get lost while yearning to be found
i feel dark and desolate starving to survive
all this pent up negativity is waiting to burst out
maybe lashing out will lighten the burden i carry
but all day everyday when i humbly thunder
of myself become i a wee bit wary
what have i become and what am i supposed to be
keeps on conflicting inside this fully empty head of mine
i should've lined myself silver as i stopped the heat be
but all i did was become heavy with my wasteful whine
destruction i harbour and damage is what i do
in all the bright shades i myself choose to be in blue
thus i spend my days loitering around
without making a single sound
and only at night do i let myself dwell
residing in the heaven i am nothing but a harbinger of hell
159 · Oct 2024
to the love left in me
Påłpëbŕå Oct 2024
its been seventy days and a few minutes more
since i've been trying with all i am to be alright
i know i will never be like the way i was before
someone who is bold and beautiful and bright
and has so much fight still left in her
that the world within me starts to unfurl
yet i end up on my bed, coiled and curled
hope flowing down my eyes making everything blurred
it hurts a lot yet i can't break and shall move forward
i don't know how to lean on a man's shoulder because i ain't a coward
but on days like today i wish he'd call me up or send a message
waiting for anything at all, even his hate or his caged rage
why? because i don't know what to do with all this love
that's still left in me for him, i can't seem to shove
so cry i, my heart out when i am on my own, alone
in the darkness of the night, i miss "us" in the glow of my phone
only to get up tomorrow morning to be abso-*******-lutely great
letting go of the girl i used to be, becoming a heartless woman with every date
-losing myself all the while i look for me
i don't know what do i even miss about him because with each day he seems more of a figment of my imagination
the realization that i never mattered to him kills me
but he will never know, i will never give him the satisfaction
i guess i conjured him up
157 · Jul 2024
HELIOS
Påłpëbŕå Jul 2024
you're too bright for me to even look at you
a whole another being, a different view
you've had your set of troubles know i this
yet there isn't an experience that you ever miss
diligent can't define you and neither can consistent
because you're nothing short of a superhuman who's persistent
you're a god in my eyes and i’m a mere peasant
a full moon to my half-*** crescent
i have looked at you and got burned to my bones
danced to your tunes and sung you overtones
hated you once but have loved you always
yet here i am writing about you on days
when i should be focusing on my litttle universe
but i can’t really ever escape your orbit, something i shall always curse
157 · Jul 2021
the chase
Påłpëbŕå Jul 2021
my mom taught me when
i was a little girl at ten
to never chase after a guy
that often made me wonder why
because
naive I was
thought that if the boy i liked
didn't know he made my pulse spike
could end up with someone not me
so my interest in him should he see
but she was right like always
and now i sit here with rays
of died hope
which is difficult to cope
with the fact
that
he doesn't even know that I exist
then why should i persist?
it's unrequited, like always
get the memo ;p
157 · Aug 2023
sol III
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2023
you want me to write for you
bleed away my soul impromptu
be your slave and serve you well
give up myself to dwell in your hell
do you want me?
or is it my attention that you crave
i know you love to see
my dead heart twisting in its grave
for you want me to be obsessed like the earth
who gives herself up for all it's worth
it wakes up and sleeps, smiles and weeps
in the hopes of a destined promise to keep
for all i want is for you to acknowledge my existence
and maybe only then will i give up on my persistence
but who am i fooling
your mere name has me drooling
in daydreams and in nightmarish screams
it's your name to which my heart beats
it's your name on my lips that i repeat

i admire you from a safe distance not because i am afraid of getting burned
a monster like me isn't worth your time
is something the hard way i learned
WhatsUp Brain?
why would you take me there, eh?
157 · Jan 2024
to be or not to be
Påłpëbŕå Jan 2024
i wish to remove this piece of clothing and show off my skin
unblemished yet scarred i lay in my bed wanting to commit sin
the temptation to **** my morals off and become an ******* is so strong
that i wish to be bad and feel good when i do something wrong
i am tired of being this version of myself- weak, virtuous, wise, vulnerable
that in my years of living fairy tales i am making ******' folks and fables
guys out there have never really looked at me
in me they find nothing good enough to see
a grandma wrapped in loose clothes and a tight bun
is so **** dull to touch or have a substantial amout of fun
i have a gift of pushing people away and putting them off
always ******' smiling or crying in corners, i am a laughing stock
i can be the hottest and sexiest woman in my head
but in reality i am ******' lame to my bones, that said-
i can neither become a nerd properly nor live recklessly,
this is chaining my soul to a place i don't belong, honestly
at this point i don't even know what do i need
stuffing my face with bulshit, these pretty little lies do i feed
the road i take takes me to places i don't fit in
and this happens because i ain't comfortable in my own skin
all these years, i wonder where has my confidence been
longing for someone to match my wavelength, my flames' twin
i have wasted my breaths on things that don't matter
in the silence of my suffering i have become immune to chatter
so speak i out about my problem and affairs
thinking that they who listen honestly do care
maybe they do and maybe they don't give two *****
about me aiming for stars or my self-esteem taking hits
why can't i be a private person and stay shut?
to live, why do i need the pain of a bleeding cut
why am i not normal but being normal is not what i want
this confusion, dichotomy and paradox is what haunts
*"to be or not to be"...................................
or be blind and pretend to nerve see
156 · Aug 2021
someday
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2021
in crowds that passed me by
under the grayish blue sky
i kept looking for you all around
to your thoughts was i bound
but couldn't find that happy smile
that had the power to bring life
to a dark dead day
by simply breathing away
i know the times are tough
and the timing's all wrong
but i know things will be fine
and misery won't prolong
so I'll keep searching for you
until next time our eyes meet
and keep troubling you
with words that i should delete
everything will fall into place
if not today
then definitely someday
:)
155 · Feb 2024
aresandaphrodite
Påłpëbŕå Feb 2024
you're everywhere i go,
your presence does flow
why is it that it's your face i see
wide awake or in my dreams?
your hair so distinct, i want to feel them
your eyes so piercing, i want to touch them
how you look at me is what makes my heart stop
how bizzare is this that your voice makes everything else crop
you become the centre of my attention, my universe
and thinking of things i wish to do to you makes me perverse
but our timing has never been right
against our situations we can't fight
so all we do is stare at each other's soul
because being with each other will take a toll
on my already beautifully bruised heart
oh baby, we've been cursed from the very start
i never understood why did they happen
154 · Aug 2021
Nothing's Permanent
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2021
for every moment

that passed me by

nothing's permanent

neither you nor i

like the sun i set for you

but you being earth-want the moon

so i rise again without a cue

  burning for you alone too soon

but it is what it is

isn't it?

death is life's sweetest kiss

one day i'll run out of words

for you and your shy sky

and stop wondering why

-every truth was once a lie?
The End
Påłpëbŕå Dec 2023
stood i in a corner away from you
trying to keep my distant view
of the finest specimen had i ever seen
never in such proximity had i been
for you were my nemesis, sworn in blood
yet the very sight of you turned me into a dud
because my brain cells shortcircuited
making me look at you on their own accord
and every moment our eyes connected, i regretted
because that made you someone i allured
so with every contact between our eyes
filled i myself with even more despise
because your mere presence derailed me
pushed me off my balanced sadly
and all that was left of silly me
was a puddle of shame and lost integrity
i didn't know that a simple stare would be enough
to put these inappropriate images of us
in the head that once plotted your demise
how did i get here, is a ******' surprise
so should i let this attraction make me do stuff
that'd be irreversible and testing my luck that's tough
maybe ******* you out of my system will let me be
my old self that hated you on the highest degree
or control these impulses and more
since with time, i will go back to before
why suddenly it's my wild blood pumping vigorously
begging to be tamed by your touch oh not so gently?
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2020
There's a man I love; There's a woman I crave.
There are feelings I have; There's a thought I save.
There was a sight I saw; There was a sound I heard,
There were things to say and not just a few words!

There was a future I had; There were memories I clad.
There was a book where I lived; There was a chapter where I was killed.

But like me she was too proud to stay,
And like me he was the best player of the game we played.
She was the purest sin I ever committed;
He was the darkest dress that ever fitted!

Her beauty was a drug, her brain was my undoing,
But like all other addictions, it ended up *******!
His touch ignited my demons, his laughter filled my misery,
And later he ****** magic out of our love like one of his many trickeries.

She built me once and broke me twice,
She was the only virtue among my other vice*
He held me close and made me dream,
Then left me alone in shock and scream.
And all this time I sit here and wonder,
What would life have been with her still under!

And all these years I've been as cold as ice,
Thinking about the storm that promised warmth in disguise.
She was and will always be mine,
In hate, in love, in redemption and crime.
Her heart shall beat for me because mine still does,
Her mind and soul, her body and fuzz.
All of her has my name imprinted,
Even though she remains hidden behind her windows tinted.

My body still trembles for him,
My locks still know his fingers even as they stand trim.
My lips can feel his- every time I close my eyes,
He is still remembered- even to my own despise!

Forgetting the past should have been easier,
Falling for someone else shouldn't have sounded sleazier!
We both know who we are and whom we want,
And that is why our history still haunts.
And then there's a future we will die to flaunt,
With us, with him, with her. And that fact shall always daunt.
148 · Aug 2021
finally
Påłpëbŕå Aug 2021
i wish i could love like the sun
so selflessly wholesome
for someone could i passionately burn
expecting nothing in return
but i ain't no saint
i am pretty selfish
because i do wish
for you to look at me too
i know it isn't fair
thus i won't further share
but that one glimpse of yours
made my day for sure
i know i shouldn't trouble you
but only if i knew
how to go back in time
and stop myself from calling you mine
finally.........9 days later, but who's counting ;)
2220 has an all new meaning for me

things don't get better by worrying about them everything's going to fine in no time
147 · Dec 2023
past present future tense
Påłpëbŕå Dec 2023
dreaming of a future i still sleep in the past
no thoughts of the present shall ever last
because in my masochism all i deeply crave
is to build my house on a ******' grave
i miss who i was and yet don't want to be her
why isn't life ever clear but a burdening blur
everything i believed in no longer exists
changes too bold, is what life insists
but i ain't ready to move forward yet
or am i? but still do i fearfully fret
how did i talk to strangers for hours?
listening to their tales of scars and stars
i am back to that time when pressed i
hearts on people's stories for no reason why
but don't know if i want to be that person again
desperate for affection and easy prey to pain
i have a beautiful human around me
who sees me and still loves me infinitely
yet i feel this way and it is beyond my comprehension
-what is future if not the past's present extension?
144 · Mar 13
i burn for you
Påłpëbŕå Mar 13
and every dead end
or a blind bend
an unchartered territory
the very thought of missionary
a strong sense of relief
or some sense of self-belief
a happy sunny day
or unspoken vows and ways
a beachy glare tanning our fair,
with a tinge of sand in our hair
the bubbly cocktails making us laugh
the winds catching up with my scarf
a pretty night view with peace around
some music to our ears, a perfect sound
you and me with our hands intertwined
a dream that i see only ever in my mind
never even thinking about the possibility
of "us" ever coming true in tranquility
all of this and more makes me manifest
knowing fully well that your heart beats for her best
yet i can't stop my stupid self from writing about you
telling myself that "this" is the last of the few
of the poetry i rhyme in your reverence oh sol
you'll always sparkle like a diamond, i'll burn for you like coal
old passion burn anew
old poetry with feelings anew
143 · Nov 2022
whore
Påłpëbŕå Nov 2022
a derogatory word says dictionary
an insult it is say
all the old books in the library
that i read the other day,

a closed mind and open legs
a desolate woman who sells herself
instead of choosing to work or beg,

the one found in brothels
and places no one speaks of
yet she's present on every man's intel
is something that makes me scoff!

why does "*****" sound so sad
but not when it is prefixed with "man"
is it because of boys who are bad
are fantasies of feminine future plans?

so dear reader ask you i
what does the word "*****" signify?
if you've ever been called one
to it, how did you reply?
142 · Jul 2021
Untitled
Påłpëbŕå Jul 2021
I don't know why
I'm writing at this hour
when all I want to do
is look at the stars
feel their warmth
and love their light
understanding darkness
by learning from the bright
I know I'm damaged
to an extent of no repair
but still a part of me
believes in human care
to be wanted for who I am
-a mess arranged in layers
hard to know, harder to love
but never a betrayer
I'm confused. I'm scared. I've been talking too much and feeling too much lately. I don't like this. But I cannot give up looking for him everyday. I can't give away my self-pride......and go all in because I know, like all other areas of my life, even here I am alone. Then why do unrequited feelings mess with my head? I didn't want him to look at me before, but now a small part of me thinks- how would it feel to be looked at? I know I'm not built for this stuff. Then why am I throwing myself at him? The question is...........why do I still like him? Why isn't this just like any other obsessions of mine? What if he likes someone else and I'm clueless?
141 · May 2023
stockholm syndrome
Påłpëbŕå May 2023
as the sun goes down
and the moon takes it's place,
it enlightens the dark town
like a lover's warm embrace

i look for him in night's glow,
step - by - step i try to trace,
where and why did he go?
~taking away all my solace

i see nothing but twinkling stars
and a deep-dark cloudy face,
that stays hidden in a sky so far
reeking of monstrosity and menace

petrified and spooked i start to run
with fear coursing through my veins,
i find a beautiful house with no one
but a bleeding girl in gruesome chains.

she cries and asks for help,
but nobody listens when she yelps

so i walk towards her and freeze
when her hair are moved by the breeze

because i see none other than a younger me
who wails and shouts to be set free,
but i stay there for as long as i can see
crushed under his evil spell of profanity.

'he left me in dusk
and i waited for dawn,
burning in loathsome lust
he treated me like his pawn.


and now?

now i am back in the crowds
wrapped in solemn shrouds,
fighting for a life of love and care
devoid of nightmares and scare.

but my mind is no longer mine
scarred to the bones, i will never be fine
for i see illusions in my delusions
that even after all these infusions-
my head hurts and my healing heart pains
my love for my captor has driven me insane
-a proposed condition in which hostages develop a psychological bond with their captors
138 · Sep 2020
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2020
For every boon there's a bane,
For every mad there's a sane.
For every love there's a hate,
For every human there's a mate.
For every word there's a rhyme,
For every emotion there's a mime.
For every ugly there's a beauty,
For every shirker there's a duty.
For every pain there's a pleasure,
For every heart there's an embrasuer.
For every belief there's a myth,
For every innocent there's some filth.
For every sinner there's a saint,
For every thought there's some taint.
For everything there's something.
136 · Mar 20
the outcast, since 2001
Påłpëbŕå Mar 20
and then when i sat in the solace of solitude
was i filled with peace and a deep sense of gratitude
for i don't need noise to fill the silence or somebody to help me breathe
because the very essence of my being is enough to lead
me to a life where my smile depends on nobody
and i shall continue to laugh even when abandoned by everybody
i am happy not being a part of their pictures anymore
and content with my cup of coffee and myself to the core
maybe even the unanswered questions and the unasked "whys"-
-"why did she stop talking to me? why did they exclude me? why did he do that to me? -made me finally say goodbye
to an unhealed part of me that longed to be loved
a toxic trait that made me want to be wanted
so all the notions of "bonds" did end up shoved
to a corner in my head which with time feels less haunted
because now i don't really care "why" did all that happen after everything i did
maybe there wasn't any actual answer to- "where did i go wrong"
because when everything was crystal clear i decided to close my lids
and pretend that everything's fine, this is where i belong
but now, i feel free, without an ounce of guilt
i gave it my all and it still didn't work so be it
for i can live the way i like without feeling aghast
dear reader, there's nothing wrong with being an outcast
yours truly
Påłpëbŕå Jul 2023
i thought i'd date a poet
who'd sing me ballads and sonnets
of love, life and the glitters
of universe that showers comets

i thought i'd fall for a bad boy
who'd make me lose my balance
for whom i'd do stuff
that would put me off my semblance

i thought i'd love a stranger
and we'd talk for hours with our eyes
looking at each other's souls
for a little while longer

i thought i'd be heads over heels
for a guy who'd match my crazy
and together we'd get lost
in things that the world finds hazy

i thought i'd......live a different life
something out from a novel or movie
with lots of romance and rife
like elevator *** & making out in the lobby

but here i am with this amazing boy
who sees the real me and still loves me-indefinitely

he was my friend for two years
and the life-support i never thought i needed
from our mutual care for each other
-a love so sweet seeded

and now as i lay in his arms after periods of bliss
wonder i, how lucky i got when he decided to paste a kiss
on my lips, my neck, my shoulder, my hands
taking me to places and those unknown lands

we couldn't be any different, but we're same on so many levels too
i didn't know before him- to mean it, when i say "i love you"
and even if we don't work out and drift apart one day
i want him to remember that in my prayers, he shall always stay
i love you
135 · Feb 2024
in love with your residuum
Påłpëbŕå Feb 2024
i looked at him because he was my solace
my sanity in this world of chaos and craze
he wiped my tears and made me laugh
fixing people was his favourite craft
a broken doll did he choose to repair
helped her collect her pieces with care
he healed her slowly, layer by layer
and she longed for him, her heart so fragile
that today it's his ghost for which she smiles
if love had to end then why did it begin
how can losing somebody be a win
because now her demons have left but so has he
she wishes to go back in time and broken forever be
because she believes that she cursed him with her presence
and with this thought she's living her days in repentance
130 · Oct 2022
empty
Påłpëbŕå Oct 2022
and sitting in a room full of people
i feel empty inside
a whole world of misery stares
behind a smile so warm and wide
that it hurts my face
and makes me feel sick
how could i be so stupid
for letting him do his trick
like magic he made me happy
only to leave me sad
how could i look for goodness
in a boy who only wanted to be bad
i always prided myself that i am better
for i won't let an ******* play with me
yet here i am today
with nothing but a turbulent-teary sea
hope kills
129 · Mar 29
grateful
Påłpëbŕå Mar 29
to all the bad days
and to all the lost ways
to all the falls
and to all the wrong calls
to all the mistakes
and to all the breaks
i came, i saw
from fame to flaws
i still got up and tried
despite the pain & cries
i fought the devils
cleared the levels
only for more miles left to walk
and run against the life's clock
for there's still more to do
maybe to chase a better view?
i am happy for all the times i thought i'd fail
the universe held my hand and helped me sail
doctor to be
to dr prefixed
veni, vidi, vici
123 · Sep 2020
So? Sigh! Tea.
Påłpëbŕå Sep 2020
From the time I took my first breath;
To the time I'll greet my death,
The one that'll be my fraternity,
Is the SOCIETY.

From the time I first used my brain;
To the time I'll be in Alzheimer's chains,
The one that will judge my capacity,
Is the SOCIETY.

From the time I first knew of God;
To the time I know about all the frauds,
The one thing that will be my sanctity,
Is the SOCIETY.


From my colour to my creed,
From my wedding to when I'll breed;
From my career to my passion,
From my shoes to my fashion;


Everything is all about "THEM"
But I ask you reader, who the hell are they?
Its my skirt and hence, I choose the length of its hem!
So, sigh and drink your tea because your interference is NOT OKAY.
123 · Feb 2024
fuck me
Påłpëbŕå Feb 2024
i know nothing of how the world works
checking my pockets, i've zero *****
how did a soul so pure get tarnished?
how did my heart so loyal get banished?
what did i do, huh?
where did i go wrong?
this suffering i thought was ending
but inside me it still prolongs
and wander i door to door in search of peace
broken body, my trust torn from piece to piece
yet nobody answers with honesty and i unleash my monstrosity
or so do i think because in a blink
i tune out my demon's voice
eliminating the bad choice
and get ready to be walked all over again
a glutton for punishment and pain
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