It’s been 19 days since he left me.
I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep since.
I still cry when I’m alone
and stare at nothing when
I’m in my office at work.
The emptiness is getting worse.
Time isn’t healing me at all,
it’s making me panic.
I keep going back to the beach.
To that day at the ocean,
to that night cuddled up next to him.
To the plane ride there.
To that first apartment when
he would cook and we would talk
for hours.
I can’t remember a single
bad time even though there were a lot.
We had dinner with his grandma a few days
before my world collapsed
and she was planning for us to
come back to Florida soon.
Why did this happen.

It would be just like me
to **** up a good thing.
I don’t know when one drink becomes too many
until I’m talking too loud
and my head is over the toilet.
I can’t read cues from people
because I don’t trust my intuition anymore,
it’s lied to me before.
I have trouble believing what he says,
or if he even likes me at all so I spiral until
I’m mad at him for nothing.
I worry that if I don’t have *** with him before I leave that he’ll just **** someone else.  
I’m too soft, I hate the cold so I went and sat in the car.
What if I’m difficult?
I talk too much about my ex and my past of putting **** up my nose.
He doesn’t wanna hear it.
I’m sure it’s old already.
Yeah someone treated me badly,
and I was a drug addict.
Get over it, it’s not good dinner conversation.
It is just like me to **** up a good thing.

Every now and then it’s like a cold
gust of wind blows up my spine
and I lose my breath
and when I gasp for air,
tears
begin streaming down my face.

Because losing him ***** as badly
as having to pump gas on a winter day.

There’s a part of me that wants to close up shop when he leaves.
Hang an “Out of order” sign outside my window
and climb into the mountains to live alone like the grinch.
But I’m an eternal optimist and I like that
first date feeling.
Everything is exciting and feels brand new.
Checking to make sure there’s nothing on your face when he goes inside a gas station,
and eagerly waiting for the first kiss.
Those dumb butterflies that flutter when he texts you or reaches for your hand in the car.
I won’t shut myself off from all those things,
but I might go on vaca until I’m perfectly tanned,  and I’ve had my fill of pineapple before I get back out there again.

There once was a boy who fell for me
but I missed the train he got on,
I watched it leave.
I saw his tears from the window,
but I just waved goodbye and let him go.
I could say I’m sorry over and over
but it won’t change last October.
Maybe I never should’ve came to his house that night,
maybe right now he’d be alright.
I have a habit of breaking hearts,
because mine is too.
I wish I could be in love with you.

My childhood home
was lit by candles
in open window sills.
The warm summer breeze
blowing the scent of
wax around the room.
The sound of the
screen door smacking
shut,
and our footsteps
running off into the
evening.
Dusty books lined
shelves,
and a bowl of marbles,
where each one was
perfectly placed sat on
the cupboard.
Classic rock and
a mix of blues
floated out into the yard,
serenading the sunset.
We’d stay outside waiting
for the glow of fire flies;
catch one,
let it go.
Until it was time
to come in for supper,
grilled chicken
and cheesy potatoes.
Then fall asleep
in front of a box fan
squeaking under
the moonlight.
I’ve always slept better
in the silence of
the country.

I don’t know why I don’t feel anything.
I did for about two days and then that
ooey gooey butterfly flew away.
I tried listening to that country song,
the one about the blue eyed problem,
the one that had me holding back tears
as he sang along in the car.
How can I be so hot and cold.
There’s something wrong with me.
Am I really that damaged
or will I just love the person that damaged me
forever?

Don’t fall in love,
like real true LOVE unless you’re okay
with knowing you will love them
long after they’ve left you.
7 months later and a sweet song can still
bring me to tears
so I accept it and look at the photos
of you I would take when you didn’t notice.
The long distance smiles and silly faces that used to make my weeks.
I would now and forever come running back.
I would buy any plane ticket, who cares about corona, I would drive until my car died on the side of the interstate just to get to you.
I’ll always be yours even if I’m someone else’s.

It’s dark when I wake up,
the sun is just starting
to peak over the trees.
It’s time to get back
on the stairs,
and make food at home.
Cozy up to the man
that keeps me warm
and catch up on
all the tv and movies
I’ve missed.
I will close off half
of my house
and relearn the fastest way
to build a fire.
A new season is
just beginning,
and I can only hope
the holidays actually
bring happiness this year.

I know it's early and I know it's only because I have people around me who are supporting my decision and helping me not be alone,
but I'm starting to feel annoyed that I keep feeling bad every time I feel good.
I don't want to feel guilty for not crying all day and wanting him back.
I know that this is the right thing to do for me.
It almost makes me mad that he keeps thinking I will change my mind.
Why would I? For him? So he could go back to being happy.
It's been 3 days now and I'm actually feeling better then I have in 3 years.
I will always be so ******* sorry for him and the pain I've caused, but I can't go back.
It's impossible.

I know I can’t
control anything
except myself.
And I can barely even do that.
But
I don’t want to have to
negotiate terms and services
in order to get him
to want to hang out with me.
He and I used to relate
on the crippling loneliness
we feel.
And I thought we were going
to help get rid of that,
for each other.
But it went from twice a week
to once a week.
From him asking to see me
to me begging
to see him.

I don’t know what to do
anymore.
I will always be alone.

I woke up today
asking God how this is fair.
What is wrong with me
that I still love him.
I still miss him every single second.
It’s been 42 days I should be
fully moved on,
talking to someone else.
Or at least just free.
But I am trapped inside
the last 6 years of our life.
I want these memories erased.
I want to forget.

If I could go back
5 years ago to
23 year old me I would tell her
to walk away.
To not speak to him.
No matter how badly I needed to.
I would miss out on all of the
love,
all of the love I gave to him
and all of the love he gave to me.

But it would be worth it.
Worth it to miss the pain he
caused,
worth it to never know what it
was like to love him.
It would be worth it to know
who I would have became
if he never entered my life
and flipped it upside down.
I might be married,
have a kid or two.

And most of all I wouldn’t have
this giant hole in my heart
that grew larger in size
each time he left me.
I wouldn’t be 29 years old,
single and completely
terrified of what’s out there.
Who is out there.

If I could go back I would
choose to have never met him.

I had a dream about him last night that left a bad taste in my mouth.
I don't know why, but I was with a girl I never hang out with,
and then he walked in and kissed her.
I was silent. But instantly angry.
Angry because in my dream he was doing it again, but with another girl.
Which is basically my worst nightmare because that would prove to me that we were nothing.
I was nothing.
He would just be a horrible person.
I woke up upset like it had really happened.
It was weird, but I'm glad it was all in my head.