Nights like these make me wish the two of us were laying in my bed,
laughing about something that happened many years ago.

I still wish I could call you, and feel better for awhile.

I don't know anymore, if this pit in my chest will ever be completely filled in again.

Isn’t it funny but not really
that I feel the same way I did
when we were together.
So unsure of how you see me,
and how you see the future.
If I’m even in it at all.
I know I’m just emotional,
But that doesn’t make this
feeling invalid.
I like to make everyone around me
believe that I am perfectly content
being alone and most days that’s true.
There is no longer anyone
to let me down or make me feel
less than, other than myself.
And I always say sorry.

If I wasn’t spending all my free time
believing his words I might have
a new man, a new life by now.
And truly part of me wants to try
for that because I’ve seen this movie
before and
I don’t like the ending.
And real life isn’t a movie,
I am getting older each day,
farther and farther away from
“My happy ending.”
Whatever that means.
Because love is grand and wonderful
but also a fairytale that humans
so desperately want to come true.
You can wish all day for a unicorn
but that won’t make one exist.

Today I am sad, but just deep down.
Which is where I prefer it to be.

I’m all down in the dumps again,
I can’t escape the grey cloud that chases you down the sidewalk when you’re just trying to enjoy an ice cream cone.
So I switched to Zoloft.
All the money is gone, so is the fun.
My boyfriend is restless for a bigger city, I’m assuming he will dump me.
I still leave behind hairs everywhere I go, I don’t even have to pull them out.  
And my future is still on the same path to nowhere.
The same ****, again.
But it’s day one of this new prescription so,
who knows.

I remember being a kid,
finding imagination everywhere.
Pretending I was the main character from
my favorite fiction novels.
Magic, and fairies and oddly named creatures.
Snow created beauty and joy.
Every day held Christmas wonder.
The woods kept secrets and mystery.
I spent half my childhood
with my nose in a book,
having adventures that no one else
knew about.
I miss that escape I had as a kid.
I never knew how important it was.

Never let go of imagination.
It keeps you young.
And happy.
Very happy.

I had an epiphany
just now…
What if I did nothing
and don’t feel bad
about it?

Tonight the moon is just a sliver, I don't remember what that's called.
Everyone is either sleeping or working and going about their lives.
While I am horribly heart broken.
Just ship wrecked, stuck against the rocks getting beat by waves.

I told him that I thought I was lucky.
Lucky. I thought I had found that person for me that the movies have convinced me is out there.
The one.
But somehow, now, I am the most unlucky ******* earth.
The boy I want more then I've ever wanted anything doesn't want me.
Ever.

I thought I was falling into joy, and cozy sheets and love when really I was tumbling into a black hole.
I am so empty now I don't want to live.
Just the other day I was so excited for the future, with him.
I will always be alone.
Just like the moon.
Surrounded by stars but never gets to touch them, never getting to feel the heat that could make me happy.

My brain likes to forget that
we aren’t together anymore.
So every day when I first open
my eyes I am harshly brought back
to the truth that I may never
get over you.

It's kind of funny how the human brain works.
You really should be careful what you wish for.
The last month has been emotionally exhausting and so long, but I feel like I'm about to make it to the finish line.
Just like the season is slowly changing, so am I.
I'm ready for colder weather;
to put away my tank tops and shorts and pull out the sweaters and boots.
Of course I'll miss summer when the wind hurts my face and I feel that kind of loneliness that only someone who is single on the holidays can understand.
But life goes and change is good and everything has a way of working itself out in the end.

Perfect
Example of
A
Cute
Human.

He is my peach.

I’ve had people ask me how I’m holding it
together, how can I be okay with him leaving me to live at my parents house at 24 with no money, while I struggle to make a car payment and figure out my life.
And well, I’m not holding it together.
At all.
I just cry in the comfort of my bed
or in the bathroom at work hoping customers don’t notice my red, blurry eyes.
I’ve made about 1,000 mistakes in the past 7 months that I don’t ask for help with,
because I can’t allow myself to be a burden.
Although I am because I’m a broke 24 year old living at home.
I can’t ask him to stay because he’s leaving for family, and to make a great life for himself.
There’s nothing selfish or mean about it.
I would do it too if I were in his shoes.
I know he loves me, but it’s not enough.
So, I have to pretend to be okay or I’ll waste the time we have left.