My mom pulled up in her green car and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment on her face as she followed me up the stairs. I barely slept but woke up to realize what a huge mistake I made. And then he came back and I still don’t know why. I decided not to ask. But a part of me wishes he hadn’t. It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble. Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start. I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died. I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine. Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it. I keep day dreaming of disappearing, leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther. I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame. Everyone saying you can’t drink or you’ll go off the handle again being watched like a hawk. I can’t take it.