My mom pulled up in her green car
and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment
on her face as she
followed me up the stairs.
I barely slept but woke up to realize
what a huge mistake I made.
And then he came back and I still don’t know why.
I decided not to ask.
But a part of me wishes he hadn’t.
It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble.
Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start.
I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died.
I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.
Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it.
I keep day dreaming of disappearing,
leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther.
I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame.
Everyone saying you can’t drink
or you’ll go off the handle again
being watched like a hawk.
I can’t take it.

You were born one year and seven days before me.
And it took me 23 to find you.
All together I may have gotten 3 beside you.
It wasn’t enough,
but it also felt like a lifetime.
I felt destined to be with you,
like we were created in the stars.
How can a connection that felt cosmic
just be handled so poorly.
It’s like we got caught in a painting that
never got finished,
half of the canvas left empty.

If you were a ladybug and I was a ladybug
we could hangout on a strawberry together.
❤️

I finally have him,
the job,
first shift, and
college.
But it’s still not enough to
keep me smiling.
My brain is already trying to ruin it.
Getting upset over stupid things
like money, and time together.
Comments about other girls and
jokes about me.
Already stressing and moving too fast
in my classes and work.
I just need to slow down.

All I know is
I love him,
and he loves me
and now that it’s
been said
I feel free.

I love the way he looked at me today.
I could tell he was happy to see me.

Last night I dreamed I was holding onto you,
I could feel my arms losing you as
my eyes fluttered awake.
I missed you immediately.
I wish you were here

I woke up still feeling sad.
I had the urge to cry but wouldn’t let myself do it around him.
I felt like we are still too new to allow myself to have one of those days where I wake up in tears.
Finally after attempting to hold it in, I went and laid down in bed, pulled the covers over my head and quietly cried.
He came in and laid on top of me and said,
“Babe, why are you so sad.”
I didn’t respond, I just sniffled.
He stayed until I took my head out and said,
I feel better now.
And then we got up and went to the Gym because it’s okay to have bad days, but you have to pick yourself back up and keep trying.

Stumbling upon something unexpected
and beautiful when you’re out in nature
I think brings to light what really matters.
It makes you feel small, compared to the giants that have been built with time.
It was there before you, and it’ll be there after you.
So whatever is going on inside your head that feels enormous, suddenly shrinks.
It doesn’t go away, but it’s not as painful..
For now.

Walking around this house I see his
things mixed in with mine
and the note I wrote him on his birthday
still hangs on the fridge.
“I love you.”
New pictures on my phone of memories
we make every day.
Just one year ago I never would’ve believed
he would be here with me.
By that time I had come to terms with
thinking he would always be a sweet and sour
taste of the past.
But now we laugh together on the couch
and make dinner with beers.
We make plans for the future and look forward to time together.
Anywhere is home with him
but I love this home we’ve made together
in the country with beautiful sunsets and evening walks.
Sometimes I still can’t believe I have my best friend back.

I can try to convince myself that I'm just angry but really I just miss you.

Why did I love u so much
I’ve asked myself this before
It’s difficult to explain but I know how I felt
being next to you.
It was the safety in knowing that nothing bad would happen as long as you were there.
It’s something out of my control so much that the only thing it could be is love.
Through all the darkness I saw the brightest light,
It must have been a glimpse of heaven.

The way he acts towards me makes me believe
I don’t deserve happiness.
I don’t deserve to ever feel happy again
because I blacked out drunk and tried to start a fight which led to another fight.
I know I ****** up.
I feel it constantly.
But you can’t hang this like a dark cloud following me everywhere forever.

I hate being me.
I wish I was anyone else.
Someone who didn’t gain 20 pounds
in a year, who can handle normal every day ****.
Someone who doesn’t pull out their hair
and force bald spots that can’t be fixed.
I wish I was skinny and pretty and happy.
Fun to be around and brought light and joy to others.
I wish I had friends that went to the gym with me. Go on walks, and eat a light lunch.
Then smoke ****, drink and take molly at night.
I wish I could work as a server at a cute restaurant that’s close by. No want to go to college or have health insurance.
Just somehow live a quiet happy life with a man that loves me and only me and I adore him.
Why did I get this life?
Why am I being punished?
I hate myself.

I feel like if I were anyone other than me,
he would like me enough that we would be a couple by now.

I remember that time we were
sitting across from each other in
blue suede chairs listening to
The Eagles and talking.

At one point he paused and said,
“I should’ve gotten up and kissed you. But
the moment is gone.”

We spent a lot of time together
talking about things we should have done.

Until one day he said,
“I should’ve never kissed you.”

Something changed
yesterday.
I don’t see the bridge
anymore.
It’s covered under a
thick and unwavering
fog.
I know it’s still there
somewhere.
Hidden beneath
hurtful words and
tears.
They say the weather
can change at any moment
so maybe I’ll just
keep standing here.

The past few nights I have
laid down to bed wiggling my feet
and squealing with excitement.
How is it possible he exists,
right here in this small town
where I thought I had met everyone
worth meeting.
He was hidden behind the old
K-mart in a suburb I had never been to.
That is only after he came here from
Minnesota.
He has soft brown hair
and blue eyes and gap in his front teeth.
His hometown accent is still
prevalent mixed with that Ohio slur.
His dad must’ve been there,
his mother must be kind,
to have raised such a good boy.
He smiles when he sees me
and after we kiss.
He reminds me of a perfect sunset in
the spring.
Orange, pink, blue and purple.
That mix of sweet warm and cool air.
No wonder it’s always been my favorite
season.
I was just getting ready to meet him.

All it took was that ghosted text.
Realizing nothing was gonna happen,
nothing is gonna change.
Like you, you’re still the same selfish man
that ripped my heart into the useless
pieces they are now.
It used to be a full check, I could win the lottery on how much love I had to give.
But I gave it to you and you lit a match and enjoyed watching it burn.
I’ve spent the last year since you left
waiting for you to show up at my door,
and say it was all a bad dream and
somehow we’d live happily ever after but
you aren’t my Prince Charming.
You were a bumpy road, a mountain I had to climb, fall down and then learn how to get back up.
I am fine without you. Some day I’ll find someone who makes me better than you ever did.
Next time I’ll ghost your text.

For my birthday he told me he loves me.

And that means where ever we go, we go together.
That means he will be added to the lease on my apartment, or, our apartment.
I will meet his family, he thinks they’ll love me.
It means he will always protect me and help me.
It means when he thinks about the future he sees me there too.

What is wrong with me that I still love you?
I still love you more than a singer needs to sing.
More than a painter needs paint,
more than flowers need the rain,
more than Bonnie loved Clyde,
more than the sun needs the moon.

If you called me up and said, “come back”
I would drop everything.
I love you even though you are why I hate myself.

Maybe I’m comfortable in the hole,
it’s familiar so it’s safe.
I prefer things that don’t change.
Like I enjoy knowing what the roads
will be like in the winter,
and having the same best friend since high school.
I keep the same bad habits because
it helped me feel better once.
I like chaos because it reminds me
of home.

Bukowski and Whitman are stacked on top of each other on the little table in front of my couch.
I was flipping through them reading random poems.
It's raining and I have a lit candle sitting on the window sill.
My pup is asleep underneath the Mexican blanket I bought at the Applefest this past weekend.
And I am sick.
I am about to take another nap.
Sleeping is all I've done today except get something to eat and wonder if he had ideas about leaving this small town and trying to find happiness somewhere far away.
A true crime show I found on Netflix is on but the volume is down a bit so I can't even really makeout what is being said.
I have to work tonight so I'm going to go back to sleep.
I hate being sick.

The monsters from my nightmares
come out during the day.
When I’m wide awake and suddenly
I’m reliving the day I realized
what was going on.
Then the monsters are
attacking me and I’m crying
in pain just like the first time.

I just realized I will be
spending New Year’s Eve
without him.
Going into the future
completely confused
and alone.
It’s not the first one we’ve spent
apart and it won’t be the last.
But this one feels different
because it’s coming only
a week after he left me again.
And again, for good this time
I think.
Even if he comes back I can no
longer trust him with my heart.
He is so reckless and selfish
with it, only wanting to
amend it when it’s convenient.
I will be starting the new year
without him
but I think it’s a good thing.

I’m sitting here anxiously waiting to get home to you like I always do.
I feel whole when you’re there.

I miss him so much when I’m away for any amount of time.
5 minutes or 5 hours.
I still can’t wait to see him.

I heard two seconds of a song I haven’t
heard in two years
and I thought,
“Should I inflict pain on myself and listen to the whole thing?”
Heart pounding, sick to my stomach
I remember the first time he played it for me.
I remember how sickly in love I was already
and it had only been a few weeks.
How sickly in love I still am and it’s been over a year.
And now I’m wondering if the pain ever really goes away.

The only thing I have from you is the empty pack of Camel cigarettes that you gave me that had one left for me to have just in case.
Is it weird that I don't want to throw it away?

I took off the necklace that carried your
initial that I bought myself to let
others know I was yours,
and then took a shot of the liquor I had
in my passenger seat.
I flipped down the mirror and looked at
my fresh highlights that I got to try
to erase you from my head.
But I still feel lost on an island,
abandoned at a truck stop.
I’ve been fighting off the urge to call you,
and the urge to drink
and the urge to go off the rails.
I can’t stop thinking about how nice it must be
to be you today,
so happy and so certain with never seeing me again.
I’m still waiting on a morning where I wake up
and the first thing I want isn’t you.

I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone
that I can no longer share a bed with someone else.
Even though I lay in the dark
overloaded with anxiety and all I need
is a body to hold onto,
pet my hair and say it’s okay.
I want to make room,
I want to sleep better.
I want to open up to the possibilities of
feeling more.
But I only have a full size mattress.

He said that he
rolls over to my side
of the bed
after I get up in
the morning,
because it’s warm
and the pillow still smells
like me.

I'm trying to decide what to do while sitting at the dining room table with wet hair, and no sound except passing cars, and the birds chirping outside.
I need to go to the store but I have no idea what I need because my mind is empty.
The only thing I can think about is whether or not I want to change my life today.
Not just my life.
I might sit here until my hair dries going back and forth, probably writing a thousand poems about the same thing.
It just feels like it's time, but, it won't for him.

I never thought that being told I’m his best friend was everything I wanted to hear.
But it was.

One time someone
handed me a book called,
How to stop worrying
and start living.
And I laughed out loud.
They looked confused
and said,
I thought it might
be helpful.

I’m laying in his bed
and he’s not home yet.
I am taking deep
breaths and repeating
the same thing I always do
when I feel like this.
Everything is fine,
everyone is safe,
You’re okay.
I’ve been pulling my
hair out nonstop
the last few weeks.
I need to shave my head.

Missing you feels like there is a hole
in the atmosphere.
I have tried to ignore it,
go about my day and let it go
but it always hits me the hardest
when I realize you’re never
coming home.