I looked at his phone.
I know that’s wrong and an invasion
of privacy.
And you never find anything good
when you look at his phone.
He googled
“How to break up with someone who loves you.”
I already knew he was thinking it
before I looked.
I asked him if that’s what he wanted,
leaving out the part about how I really knew.
Just said, “I had a feeling.”
He never answered the question,
he just listed everything he hates about me.
How I need to change and for some reason
I agreed.
I don’t know why I can’t let him go,
because I know that the guy I’m supposed to be with someday, is out there. Somewhere.
He said I need to be okay with being alone because he will never marry me,
and he’s right.
I don’t want to be alone so I guess I take this **** instead of not speaking to anyone for days and going on bad dates.
But I think I’m getting closer to…
something.

I finally have him,
the job,
first shift, and
college.
But it’s still not enough to
keep me smiling.
My brain is already trying to ruin it.
Getting upset over stupid things
like money, and time together.
Comments about other girls and
jokes about me.
Already stressing and moving too fast
in my classes and work.
I just need to slow down.

The way he acts towards me makes me believe
I don’t deserve happiness.
I don’t deserve to ever feel happy again
because I blacked out drunk and tried to start a fight which led to another fight.
I know I ****** up.
I feel it constantly.
But you can’t hang this like a dark cloud following me everywhere forever.

I miss him so much when I’m away for any amount of time.
5 minutes or 5 hours.
I still can’t wait to see him.

I **** at writing.
I don’t know why I even try.
But I **** at everything so
why am I surprised.

I'm trying to decide what to do while sitting at the dining room table with wet hair, and no sound except passing cars, and the birds chirping outside.
I need to go to the store but I have no idea what I need because my mind is empty.
The only thing I can think about is whether or not I want to change my life today.
Not just my life.
I might sit here until my hair dries going back and forth, probably writing a thousand poems about the same thing.
It just feels like it's time, but, it won't for him.

I've been having moments of panic, and terror and loneliness and worry like what have I done to him? To me? Can I really take care of myself as well as I always thought.
I'm crying as I write this because I'm scared.
I'm also terrified that I will give in to him and let things go back to the way they were. I'm weak.
I still haven't seen him yet, but I know that when he comes here to get his stuff I will want to take it all back because he will guilt me.
He will cry and say he still loves me but I don't want to give in.
I need this. I need this.
I don't know how to tell my therapist about this on Friday. I feel she will think it was a bad idea. But she would be wrong.

I took off the necklace that carried your
initial that I bought myself to let
others know I was yours,
and then took a shot of the liquor I had
in my passenger seat.
I flipped down the mirror and looked at
my fresh highlights that I got to try
to erase you from my head.
But I still feel lost on an island,
abandoned at a truck stop.
I’ve been fighting off the urge to call you,
and the urge to drink
and the urge to go off the rails.
I can’t stop thinking about how nice it must be
to be you today,
so happy and so certain with never seeing me again.
I’m still waiting on a morning where I wake up
and the first thing I want isn’t you.

It’s like Christmas morning every time
he smiles at me.
Opening presents when he holds my hand.
Festive music plays when he laughs
at my jokes.
Mistletoe hangs wherever he kisses me.
And Santa is real when he calls me
his girlfriend.

Christmas comes just once a year,
but for me it’s every day I’m with him.

The past few nights I have
laid down to bed wiggling my feet
and squealing with excitement.
How is it possible he exists,
right here in this small town
where I thought I had met everyone
worth meeting.
He was hidden behind the old
K-mart in a suburb I had never been to.
That is only after he came here from
Minnesota.
He has soft brown hair
and blue eyes and gap in his front teeth.
His hometown accent is still
prevalent mixed with that Ohio slur.
His dad must’ve been there,
his mother must be kind,
to have raised such a good boy.
He smiles when he sees me
and after we kiss.
He reminds me of a perfect sunset in
the spring.
Orange, pink, blue and purple.
That mix of sweet warm and cool air.
No wonder it’s always been my favorite
season.
I was just getting ready to meet him.

I just realized I will be
spending New Year’s Eve
without him.
Going into the future
completely confused
and alone.
It’s not the first one we’ve spent
apart and it won’t be the last.
But this one feels different
because it’s coming only
a week after he left me again.
And again, for good this time
I think.
Even if he comes back I can no
longer trust him with my heart.
He is so reckless and selfish
with it, only wanting to
amend it when it’s convenient.
I will be starting the new year
without him
but I think it’s a good thing.

I woke up still feeling sad.
I had the urge to cry but wouldn’t let myself do it around him.
I felt like we are still too new to allow myself to have one of those days where I wake up in tears.
Finally after attempting to hold it in, I went and laid down in bed, pulled the covers over my head and quietly cried.
He came in and laid on top of me and said,
“Babe, why are you so sad.”
I didn’t respond, I just sniffled.
He stayed until I took my head out and said,
I feel better now.
And then we got up and went to the Gym because it’s okay to have bad days, but you have to pick yourself back up and keep trying.

He smiled at me napping on the couch and then leaned over and hugged me so nicely.
He is the sweetest peach.

The monsters from my nightmares
come out during the day.
When I’m wide awake and suddenly
I’m reliving the day I realized
what was going on.
Then the monsters are
attacking me and I’m crying
in pain just like the first time.

I heard two seconds of a song I haven’t
heard in two years
and I thought,
“Should I inflict pain on myself and listen to the whole thing?”
Heart pounding, sick to my stomach
I remember the first time he played it for me.
I remember how sickly in love I was already
and it had only been a few weeks.
How sickly in love I still am and it’s been over a year.
And now I’m wondering if the pain ever really goes away.

I’m busting out laughing
as I stand in my kitchen drinking a sodie pop
wearing a t shirt and sweatpants like an old retired man when in reality I’m a 26 yr old girl that
has to be an adult tomorrow.
Lol who put me in charge???

Maybe I’m comfortable in the hole,
it’s familiar so it’s safe.
I prefer things that don’t change.
Like I enjoy knowing what the roads
will be like in the winter,
and having the same best friend since high school.
I keep the same bad habits because
it helped me feel better once.
I like chaos because it reminds me
of home.

All it took was that ghosted text.
Realizing nothing was gonna happen,
nothing is gonna change.
Like you, you’re still the same selfish man
that ripped my heart into the useless
pieces they are now.
It used to be a full check, I could win the lottery on how much love I had to give.
But I gave it to you and you lit a match and enjoyed watching it burn.
I’ve spent the last year since you left
waiting for you to show up at my door,
and say it was all a bad dream and
somehow we’d live happily ever after but
you aren’t my Prince Charming.
You were a bumpy road, a mountain I had to climb, fall down and then learn how to get back up.
I am fine without you. Some day I’ll find someone who makes me better than you ever did.
Next time I’ll ghost your text.

It's hard to work when you are crying.
My eyes were blurry with tears.
Miss Ohio by Miranda Lambert played through my headphones and I couldn't stop myself.
I don't want to leave my home.
Not yet.
He messaged me and said,
I'm sorry to hear about all of that. You'll figure it out though, one day at a time.
Reading those words made me have to stop and sit down on the floor.
Sobbing as quietly as I could.
It kind of feels like I lost, or I failed.
Like my worst nightmare came true.
I feel like I should be able to save myself, fix this on my own.
But, I do need help.
I know moving could be great, but it's not easy to say good bye to the life I worked so hard for.
Everything has happened in that apartment.
I became an adult there,
my mom called and woke me up to the news that my nephew was being born there.
A part of me will always live in that house.
I wanted to leave when I was ready.

I’ve gotten so used to sleeping alone
that I can no longer share a bed with someone else.
Even though I lay in the dark
overloaded with anxiety and all I need
is a body to hold onto,
pet my hair and say it’s okay.
I want to make room,
I want to sleep better.
I want to open up to the possibilities of
feeling more.
But I only have a full size mattress.

My brain is so tricky
sometimes I feel like I don’t know her.
I was fine all day just resting after an all nighter,
until my boyfriend came home from work and wanted to lay down in bed.
I squeezed in beside him and suddenly couldn’t stop the tears that were soaking my pillow.
I sniffled quietly, not wanting him to know that I was randomly overcome with sadness,
and asked if he’d put his arm around me.
It wasn’t him or anyone or anything,
it’s just how depression is sometimes.

I am still standing here on the side of the road,
bags in hand.
Like you opened the door and shoved me out,
said you’d come back later.
The sun is setting though,
and it’s getting cold.
I’m beginning to think you aren’t
coming back.

I'm more lost and confused then ever before.
I told my sister the plan to move and she had her reservations. The same ones I have.
She thinks I should stay in town and get the one bedroom apartment, and that my dog will be fine.
And then, because we got on the topic of how I deserve better in the relationship department, I told her about him.
I never have before.
I just told her about how I've got a crush and I like him because he asks about our family and makes me believe that not all men are the same.
She was surprisingly understanding,
but mentioned that I should think about that because if I were in love, I wouldn't have a crush. And she's right.
So I brought up how I don't want to go through with this moving plan anymore and I want to change it to my boyfriend and he of course disagreed. He spent the next hour or more texting me and trying to convince me I'm wrong. But now I think even more that I'm right.
Honestly, right now I want to tell him to move in with his friend, I'll move into the one bedroom. Idk who gets the dog, but, I don't want to do what he wants to do, so let's just do what we want separately.

I would do anything to go back.
Anything to go back to my apartment
on the second floor where we lived happily
ever after together.
Sunday morning cuddles,
binging Game of Thrones,
sitting on the counter watching you cook.
Putting the tent up in our living room
pretending to watch Alice in wonderland
under the stars.
I would give up my future and any joy
I may feel to go back to when you loved me.

I know why I'm unhappy.
Because I'm stuck.
Because of choices I made and it's too late to go back now.
I can't leave my job because I need the money and benefits.
I can't leave my apartment because I can't afford anything else.
I can't get out of my relationship because it's been almost 5 years and I take care of him.
I can't enjoy the money I have now because I need it to buy oil this winter to heat my house.
So I can't be happy because of choices I've made.
I don't see a way out.
I wish I could just accept that this is my life, but, I don't want it.

Stumbling upon something unexpected
and beautiful when you’re out in nature
I think brings to light what really matters.
It makes you feel small, compared to the giants that have been built with time.
It was there before you, and it’ll be there after you.
So whatever is going on inside your head that feels enormous, suddenly shrinks.
It doesn’t go away, but it’s not as painful..
For now.

I remember going to
Toys R Us on my sixth birthday
and picking out a stuffed black dog
which became my favorite.
I named it Toto.
She has soaked up so many tears,
and really put up with a lot.

And even now, as a 24 year old woman
I sob into her fur and picture myself at 6
and can’t believe I’ve let her down.
I can’t believe how badly this man
who used to love me has hurt me.
It’s not fair.

When does it get better? Because I’ve never
seen the light for very long.

Missing you feels like there is a hole
in the atmosphere.
I have tried to ignore it,
go about my day and let it go
but it always hits me the hardest
when I realize you’re never
coming home.

The sun is setting.
Barely any cars are going by this Sunday evening.
I'm sitting at the dining room table feeling drunk and high and who knows.
Maybe I'll take a walk, or go lay down.
Right now I'm singing in an empty apartment.
For the first time I noticed the echo.
I need food, I need to sleep, maybe see someone.
Tomorrow I'll wake up and regret calling off and I'll remember what happened, still in belief.

I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.

I really want to go home and play in the snow with my high on acid boyfriend.

Last night I dreamed I was holding onto you,
I could feel my arms losing you as
my eyes fluttered awake.
I missed you immediately.
I wish you were here