2:41 am is quite the time
To let your thoughts wander
Until they become slime
That seeps through your skin
Until you can take it no more
And must take a note for a min.
This is the worst it's been in a while
I want to ask you for help
But I think you'd find that vile
I thought about things today
That I haven't in a long time
Including "Oh my" I'd say
And middle school years
Rebellious and Oblivious
I miss innocence, not careers
Letting my emotions take control
I make a puzzle of words
That act as a gate to my soul
I wish you'd read this now
And hold me tight as ever
But who you are keeps changing.

a collage of memories fill my head
I cannot decide which to focus on
there's the kitchen conversation with mom
how many pull-ups I could do with dad
drinking with my best friend for the first time
they're sad, they're proud, but they're exciting too
new adventures await, goodbye summer.

huffing and puffing
I can't get out
heart's beating
mind's freaking
I can't even focus
I don't hear sounds
alone in my head
again

little things
turn monstrous
I couldn't sleep
only think
I'm returning to my toxic self

with the help
of one's words,
I become utterly nothing.

deep into the dark clouds
you can find my mind
hiding undercover
chained to the lightning
and drawn to the loud thuds of thunder
my mind goes where you wish it not
and I know you need me to believe you
to trust that you won't hurt me
but I'd rather stay here with the rain and rot
just amidst the eye of the hurricane
is where I slumber and close my eyes
for it is the most powerful winds and water
where I choose to sleep, where my anxiety will colonize
until the storm ends and the sun rises,
I will choose to stay here.

He peered from behind the garden of triumph
His face was white, and feared with the power of influence
I saw him through the gray stained glass window then,
In an ordinary position with his thumb in his mouth
Blurry, yet he still resembles what I made of him that day.

I watched him grow closer to the ship as I once did
The wooden walls and and names inside are still there
I once wished that he knew me, but this is what's right
Today, his 18th birthday, I lay down, another year passed
Still nothing I know I can give him will make up for lost time.

I had a night like yours I suppose.
I know this because I woke up,
Not being able to remember you like I had,
Not being able to remember your body,
Or the events of our evening together.
I woke up and I was happy about this,
This lack of feeling feels good,
I see why you do it.

I'm  not used to being treated this well
Gone through many, you can probably tell
But I haven't been this hurt in a while
And I know it's because you made me smile
It was short lived but it was lovely
Then we realized you had someone in your mind
If only I had seen it, but you were just so kind
I know you didn't mean it, maybe that's what makes it worse
But you still think of her, so I'm stuck with this curse
I'm shocked but not surprised, as my serotonin decreases
Here's to being sad once again--my heart is in pieces.

Do you remember when we used to run this town?
We'd always talk about getting out
Innocent within our bliss, things crossed off our bucket list,
Funny how quickly you moved on

You watched me drive off one last time,
Going separate ways--it was a sign

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and torturous
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm stronger
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it

Now you're there and all alone, while I regain my independence
Designing my essence
I chose to move on and become happy cause **** being sappy,
You started to rely on someone else immediately

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and dependent
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm happier
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it.

Tried shooting a rocket in space
Thought it would hit something
Get something out of place
But it just kept going and going
On its journey to nowhere
I thought it would hit it. I swear
But that's what happens when you get dared
Make yourself believe that they actually care
The rocket, twice the speed light
Passing stars so fast, so bright
Black appears and swirly turns
This rocket will not return
It's fallen in a deep dark pit
I'm afraid it just might quit
Vision becomes blurry, all you see is blank
And because of you, my rocket sank.

it's all, all over
all, all over
but I guess it's okay
I'll rediscover myself
all over again
I know I'm good at it
I find myself
quicker each time
stronger with each wound
I just hope
in the midst of all this,
you become better too.

going home for the first time in a while
a lot has changed, even your smile
it's bigger than ever and it made me happy
your 21st birthday, oh so classy

and look at our little brother go,
he's got his **** more together than us, whoa
we smoke out on our dark, quiet street
memories come flooding back so we take a seat
on the grass of our yard and talk
about things we wouldn't have before.

I still call you by your childhood nickname
of course I would, and you do the same.
Sad I have to leave so soon though,
I guess next time I see you all there'll be snow.

a memory chills my mind
what are you doing here?
we were pretty messed up then, huh?
But, have things changed?
If that wasn't my breaking point,
then I'm scared what will be...

I am starting to believe you do not exist,
The real is becoming like a dream,
And I cannot fathom what is to come next.

Past, present, future are all intertwined,
And all the sudden,
It is as if you were always there.

Distraction through music does not work,
Because somehow there is always a song,
That sparks some reality of you.

I wouldn't write as much as I do now,
Maybe it was better that way,
Because now my every thought is you.

I try and get some work done,
But then end up writing these words,
I don't want to forget or remember.


Complete and utter chaos in my head.

i wanna cry but i don't
i wanna text you but I won't
i'm on the verge to burst
and i can feel it
but i won't do it first

distractions are growing
so i act easygoing
as if i'm not confused by you
and everyone else
i've already seen this through
and i should be done with you
but,
oh, i'm such a hypocrite

If I were an android
if my memories were only
but implants in my head
what happened to the one that made me?
are my eyes really dead?
defining the real through emotion,
does that make you think I'm fake?
Do I even exist to you?
For ****'s sake...

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
not to tell you I love you
not to tell you I hate you
not to ask how you're doing
or get angry for what I just realized
because you waited a whole month to tell me
and in the mean time you still loved me,
and ****, you still might
who does that?

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
to stop the dreams I have at night
of you holding her so tight
mad I'm still hung up on you
by now, I thought I'd be through
but I feel like it's just gotten worse and worse
the dreams are so vivid, **** this curse
great, I got to know what real love feels like
it hurts like a bullet, makes me want to fight

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
to accept that I'll never have anyone like you again
unless you came back to me and tried to mend
what we had but I honestly hope I'd reject you
except I know I wouldn't and you know too.

I can't focus
I can't dream
unless it's you
what's this mean?

I can't focus
I can't sleep
unless I take a pill
or eat a treat

I can't focus
but I really need to
I need to study
But my head's a zoo

When will this stop
it's been months now
and I want to let go
or get lost in a crowd

Can you focus well?
Or do I seep into your thoughts?
Do you miss me too?
Your feelings, were they caught?

I can't focus
I can't even move
unless it's to you
oh tell me you'd approve

At least I can write, sing, and dance,
but it's the only thing I can do
when you've got me in this trance.

what do you say I'm worth?
your time, your money, your old habits?
I want to be better, but I said that yesterday.
Care to rekindle this and say I'm yours?
For September's sake?

I dove into the water without thinking
What the consequences would be while blinking
Salt stung my eyes and my vision ceased
I could still move my legs and arms at least
But I also tried breathing and couldn't
Get out of the water, I just wouldn't
I thought I saw a treasure at the bottom
Pretty, shiny thing that wanted to blossom
I went deeper and deeper till I could see it
But ended up being too out of reach
With disappointment, I reconfigured what to do
I looked up but I was trapped where are you
My vision finally collapsed and my breath was no longer
I was lonely and frightened which gave me time to wonder
I blamed you, but it was me, who became this monster.

I feel I have finally begun to move on
It's exciting, yet terrifying
I don't want to forget what we had,
but I really do at the same time.

Seeing you with someone else hurts,
but it's just what I need,
and I selfishly hope you keep trying,
to talk to me but I won't answer

goodbye torr, 'twas a good run,
I secretly hope she's not as much fun...

You told me I have a healthy brain
I loved that you thought I was sane
but I fight with myself a lot sometimes too
about life, about people, about the rain
I know most of the time,
I have a good head on my shoulders,
but it's nights like these
that I'm being crushed by anxiety boulders
I overthink until I hypervenalate
I focus on the bad, I complicate
I worry about breaking down,
and having to pick up the pieces alone
again, and again, and again
and I worry once you find this out--
these flaws of mine, you will treat me differently,
and somehow that's the worst of it all.
Would you tell me then, do I still have a healthy brain?

we do this thing where we talk less, **** more
the only things we know about each other
barely catch a glimpse of what's at our core
coming over late, leaving early is our motto
this generation just doesn't want those feelings
we learn to not feel like its on ******* auto
and to my women who fall for these guys who like to play
who only call when they're desperate,
who only come over on a week day,
why do you let them have the power?
when its them who should be feeling sour?
babe you did nothing wrong,
you fell for a guy who led you on!
why do we ignore our intelligent intuition?
we let them have us under no conditions
when we knew they were bad news from the start
we keep on like they're not gonna break our hearts
the cycle repeats, you get over the last
but when someone new comes around
it's like we've already forgotten what happened in the past
optimism is what kills us, "oh he's not like the rest"
but as soon as these words sink in,
he'll be gone and you'll be a mess
listen to your intuition one time,
he doesn't want a relationship
he ain't ever there in the daytime
if that's not what you want, stop ignoring the signs
you're smarter than you think you are
don't act like he's your lifeline.

infatuation or illusion
but I don't think it was ever love
always thought this was the conclusion
turns out it's none of the above

I wish you weren't scared
I wish you'd come to me
But I'm rational now,
Thoughts have settled,
thoughts have discovered,
that you'll always be scared.

two souls meet and worlds collide
conversation over a meal, we're both wide-eyed
smiles exchanged, connections were made
more dates but still no progress was displayed

there's nothing wrong with you nor me
i suppose we should set each other free
go our separate ways and move on with ours lives
before this starts to hurt, with heartbreak shown in our eyes

we may like what we see
but you think better is out there
and i'll be the first to disagree

but

i
  can't
           help
                   but
                         to wonder

maybe if the black in your eye had truthful intention
we'd be together in a different dimension

Maybe it’s because I like to watch the sun rise

Maybe it’s because it reminds me of your eyes

Maybe it’s because I don’t do well with the dark

Maybe it’s because I can’t sleep without your arms

But perhaps it could be the calm sounds of the city streets

Or the emptiness I feel in between my sheets

Watching a new day be born again and again

Hoping this day could maybe have a different end?

Or perhaps it could just be my mind choosing this time

To routinely overthink, becoming trapped inside these rhymes.

mind running faster than the words can escape my mouth

   so

I just sit there

listening and looking at you.

Following, followers, fake.
Is my mind trapped inside?
"Be your on leader, make yourself better."
How can I through this system?
Where all I can be is just a fan.

when will we get out of here?
here's some chocolate for the way back, dear
oh, when will we get out of here?
I want to know your story, I want to knack your brain
but it's not safe, but I'm glad you came
oh, when will we get out of here?
i lick some chocolate off your lips
for a moment I'm somewhere else in your kiss
oh, when will we get out of here?
go before they catch you and share some with your friends
I'll meet you next Sunday until we make it out in the end
oh, when will we get out of here?

Mom and Dad, brothers and sisters, and horses too,
Big house, lots of land, catholic school, and friends (few),
This is how I grew up until I turned the age of five,
Till my parents got in a plane crash and did not survive.
My siblings took care of me from then on out,
Moving to different places here and there, no pouts.

Fast forward to graduating high school and on my own.
I went to college sheltered and trusted everyone I’d known.
I learned that was wrong and moved back with my sister,
Because she started getting sick and didn’t get better.
I switched colleges there so I could be with her
And still didn’t know what I wanted to be—that, I can assure.
I graduated college and decided I needed a change.
A new place to call home—yeah, that could be arranged.

So Atlanta here I came for good weather and people.
Didn’t see this one coming, but there I was in a steeple.
To get married to my true love whom I’d grow old with,
And wow, this southern man was quite the wordsmith.
He made as many puns as he could within a conversation,
And, our love eventually was put forth through three creations.

Though I had much tragedy in my family as a young girl,
My husband and children became the light of my world,
However I began to lose my siblings from suicide and cancer,
But I stayed strong for my family and looked to God for the answer.

And as I eventually told my story to my own kids,
The memories came crashing down and, woah, were they vivid,
Tears streamed down my face but I knew they would understand,
Even when my mother’s song was sung in church and I could not stand.
They understood my sudden reflective instants,
And when to hold my hand, hug, or kiss as an assistance.

My kids are my best friends and I love to spend time with them all.
I support them in everything they do and we always have a ball.

i like how this feels
and what it could be
you're a movie trailer of a love i’ve wished for
finally i see it with you
but we are no where close to the ****** of the story
so i'll take this step by step
and enjoy the ride
with you

Oh what a beautiful mess we've made
We've torn apart our love parade
And now it's empty and grey
Taking so much to let it all rust
Until it cracks and dulls; what's left of us

Cabin houses and Sunday hikes
There it shown; dreamlike
Good mornings, breakfast and goodbyes
I thought I'd be the one next to you, I'd lye

There's something strange in the air
Or the lacking of your presence there
Guilted by the face of your mother
I hide there; weak and brittle; undercover

The rain comes and I know it's for me
I've damaged a boy who used to be free

You took my arm, we began to sing
But the voice in my head; it's ring
"I love you, I'm sorry, but I...
I have lost myself in your eyes."

It was of course you
Who made me make the decision
But I hold you not the blame
As the serpent slithers inside my brain
It eats away the feeling and the pain
Near you I am a tattered window
I'm a ghost of your past,
A fake whisper in your ear
And I'm sorry I said yes in the beginning
I recall no memories, oh I wish
My head would deny them all
But the pictures they're there
Oh how I wish, I wish to go blind
There is no closing for us
Departing in opposite realms of reflection
The best of times
I wish you luck in this game of insanity
Time doesn't stop, we mustn't be grey
It's worth for tomorrow, but not today.

I'm tired of looking
I want something real
Someone to touch
Someone who feels,
So utterly in love they sink into my skin
With just his energy, he makes me grin
I know what I don't want
I know what most want
I want you, and you're just out of touch.

I now realize how it initially began
one night changed everything, I wish I ran
instead I stayed, feeling your heat
and the passion seeping through the sheets
I wish I could've said no I can't come over
or only if I know you're completely sober
but it happened and I can't change that
and my friends keep telling me we need to chat
just know confrontation isn't my thing
so it probably won't happen but I do need to bring
your clothes back over at some point
oh how I dread hearing your viewpoint
because I know you don't feel the same
and I know you're going to say I'm to blame
for reading into every move you made at night
and how your smile one time was so bright
but I meant nothing to you and I know that
just let me down lightly while I stand on your door mat
and I'll eventually be alright.

Pure sunshine on a stick
Playing Dress-up karaoke to Hilary duff
Ballet classes and birthday parties
You were only a day older than me

Childhood friends, you and me,
Chasing boys on the playground
Watching the wizard of oz
Southern roots we shared
Growing up in the Atlanta sunny weather

We parted after pre-school,
But we’d see each other here and there
It’s tough to see you here now,
why did they have to do an open-casket?
You don’t even look like you.

I see your college friends look at you and break.
I lose it
my hands shake, the tears come,
I don’t know what else to do,
But hug your mom.
I will never understand, I will never understand, I will never understand
Why your heart would just stop working

They’d always say,
Miss Caroline’s just pure sunshine on a stick!
God it was so true

Golden curly locks and big blue eyes
Your smile was contagious

You didn’t get to experience life fully
But the lives you touched,
The memories I and many others hold
let your soul be reborn.

dearest casual *** partner,

the surprise doesn't surprise me anymore
the short texts just don't cut it
and I'm tired of my heart feeling sore.

your habits are starting to annoy me
your body has started to change
you're pathetic and I wish you'd see

I'm over being scared to get personal
I'm over the immaturity of your brain
your presence is not good nor educational

so guess what, I'm not answering this time
you're not dragging me through depression again
take this as a warning, take this as a sign
to finally get your **** together,
refine.

I think I'll always remember this one car ride with my brother

Because we were never close, but this time I was able to uncover

Some of the things about him I had always wanted to know

But was too shy or too immature, to ask though

It was already dark, I saw the stars above

The buzzer blew, I said goodbye--well kind of

I got into the car with Scrunch, exhausted from cheering at the football game

Then panicked- I didn't like silence, but I guess I was the one to blame

Because surprisingly he started the conversation, turning the music down

And then we talked about relationships and he said he didn't like the sound

Of having a girlfriend just yet,  then he said something else weird

He liked girls with short hair, I said hey that's ok I don't mind beards

I was finally getting to know him, oh I was so happy

But then he said one of my friends ain't too shabby

Okay, woah, that was a little too far

But who am I to judge, he's my older brother, he's a star

We pulled in the driveway and I almost didn't want to get out

I surely had a good time without a doubt

My brother is pretty cool now, I can actually talk to him

And because of that, I sure did grin.

We fished all morning, then decided to take a break

And went back inside where we didn't feel like we were being baked

We decided to make the usual mac n cheese for lunch

My two brothers, their three friends, and I munched

We'd probably watch movies for the rest of the day

Or go upstairs with the giant bean bags, we'd play

But when we finished our meals our parents came in

And told us not going outside on this gorgeous day was a sin

So we came up with a plan to try to have some fun

While being outside in the exhausting, humid sun

We got all of our paint guns, goggles, and gloves

And went into the woods and tried to look above

In search of something we could hit just for the heck of it

So we started shooting trees and branches, it was stupid I'll admit  

But we were having such fun shooting and joking around

Until one of our neighbors I guess heard the sounds

Perhaps they thought the paint guns were real guns

Because the next thing we knew, the police were there sayin “Sons…”

At just eight years old, I thought we were all going to jail

The police officer was talking to me and I turned completely pale

But it turned out to be a warning-- don't go behind our neighbors' yards

My parents were so angry but I was relieved not to be behind bars

We were put to do chores for the rest of the time

Apparently shooting the stop sign was a crime?

So we were forced to wipe all the splattered paint off

Until it was clean, then I turned to my brother, under my breath I coughed

“They still don't know about the rocks…” And I smirked.

I sit in the shower and let the hot water hit my back.

Hating my thoughts, oh how society has pushed

A racket that once hit is now managed by a robot.

My surroundings are blurry and so am I,

Lies are truth and the truth is a lie- I'm conceited.

Humane seems to be an abstract idea now,

But let the world smile, for its ratings are off charts,

While war and disease are taken care of,

I rot in my shower like a dead earth worm.



Wrapping my towel I enter the room

"Surprise!" Say all my friends, the world is better,

And then I. For once again, hope is restored.



Until I wake up and I'm in my bed.

I am a peach pigment lost in nostalgia
You are a black flower out of touch with reality
I used to fly freely as an organic shape,
Then the stars fell into your bed that night.

Nostalgia is now everywhere but not with you,
You, Black Flower, are my reality,
But I'm still not sure if it's real.

I become a peach pigment in oblivion
The black flower will choose my escape
But I start to wonder if you will ever decide.

static night
city lights
as we watched from above

silent Denver
summer venture
on the roof top of the parking garage

meeting new lips
he holds my hips
until we start to see the sun rise

and

            then
            
                           something in me started to feel.

I had my first dream about you
and that's when I knew I was doomed
because usually I don't remember my dreams
and you don't dream of me, I presume.

I knew I was doomed from my dream
because it showed me that I don't trust you
and though I want to, my guard is up
ugh the feelings are ******* cobalt blue

I really had been fine up until our last session
but when you showed emotion,
even ******* paid attention,
I lost my mind in your hue,
you're ******* cobalt blue.

i think i'm tired of the games i play
i think i'm tired of being empty
i feed my happiness like it's your call
whether today's good or tomorrow i fall

i think i'm tired of pretending to be unattached
as if i'll be fine as soon as you unlatch
it's not that i'm scared being on my own
i don't know, maybe it's just *** hormones
but i feel like i need you to keep me content
to fill the emptiness that's oh so frequent

it's not that i need someone to sleep with me
i think i just miss intimate moments
in the midst of my stress trying to get a degree
i admit i don't think i'd actually commit to someone
but ****, it'd be nice to stay up with you till dawn

i don't need you to keep me sane
i think i'm just one of those like many
that have fallen into this cycle
and don't know how to get off the train.

there's no drug that takes you away
no remedy that doesn't let you stay
if there was a cure, it be not Monday.

officially going off the deep end
into a dark city where they tend
to only have two choices

feel the pain or drown in drugs
keeping warm at night with a hug
from a complete stranger

whilst you might still feel the pain
at least you're numb, though not sane
from the thoughts haunting

a place where I could let loose,
play the notes, sing the words,
with you, oh how we'd produce,
beautiful, on-the-spot experiences,
harmonies that gave me goosebumps,
I miss those times.

acoustics, kisses, songs, laughs,
time stopped in the music room,
but it's also where our hearts broke in half
with trembling lips, we'd make-up,
and lay on the floor for hours,
telling me you'd never want to break up.

Oh childhood friend,
What has this world done?
You were only a day older than me,
So we’d celebrate our birthdays together
And laugh and play in the Atlanta sunny weather

Oh childhood friend,
Your heart just stopped working
And there’s no explanation
To why it suddenly started hurting
But you were sunshine on a stick,
Flowers in bloom.

Caroline,
The birds sing for you today,
I’ll see you soon,
In another way.

I got tired of hearing this boy's cruel words

I tried to ignore, but oh I heard

"You're a girl. You ****. You should quit!"

I couldn't take it anymore I spit

I skated over and I punched his helmet

He probably didn't expect that coming I bet

I dropped my gloves and we began to fight

The whole team turned, what a sight

The parents gasped and the coach blew the whistle

We were soon both doomed to our dismissal

I skated behind him as he slowly stepped off the ice

I was still furious so I pushed him hard, twice

He fell to the ground where all the parents were standing

I stepped over him, slammed the door to the locker room, and began venting

It was our last hockey practice and I was so mad

The locker room door suddenly opened, it was my dad

He came over to me, but I just stared at the floor

He said, "Hey good job. Shoulda gave him some more."

Then he gave me knuckles and I smirked quite a bit

I knew I taught that boy a lesson: I never quit.

dark skies in his dilated eyes
here is addiction at its finest

after he smokes he does some coke
as I watch him naked with infatuation

here's a snapshot of a thought
we're both doing this for the same reason