state your name
read the sentence
"today I am happy."
Say it again
Say it again

state your name
read in between the lines
"today I am happy."
analyze it
analyze it again

state your name
don't read it,
just stare at the space in between
the letters.

You took that song away from me

But for some reason I listen to it more

I wish I had it back

I wish…

How can I put up with this toxicity?
Where even when I'm near it,
I want to melt away...

Time
You have four years to complete this degree
then you must, you must be ready to know what to do
for if you don't, you will end up back here doing the same thing
Pressure
You must do good on this exam
and every exam, every project, if you miss one you will not be successful
If you don't do good it means you're not smart enough
you're not smart enough, you're not smart enough, you're not smart enough!
Stability
Why would you study something you like? Don't you know you will be living in a tent if you do that?
You need money, you need money, you need money
Me
I am trying to find the thing that gives me a greater purpose
is it here? is it here? is it here?
An abundance of thoughts flashes through my brain
and it's a lot.
Bringing me down to my knees, hugging my pillow, crying as my dog probably starts to worry
Is this it?

Your smile
                
         is a slight breeze
                                        
                     on a beautiful,
                                                                  
                             sunny, summer day.

                                                             But oh,
              
                                                                    your mind
                            
                                                                                  is much,
                                          
                                                                                        much more.

i dreamt that you shot me last night
my remains flew back onto the concrete
I knew it was a mistake to trust you

i am scared to say it
because i really feel it
you hold me close
and i feel home
i want to say it a million times
because i see it with you
and no one else--
  i
    love
            you.

you understand my in's and out's
you know how to make me happy
you're patient with me and treat me so well
in the bedroom, you've got me under a spell
you're everything i need and want
there have been situations
where you have treated me so well that i've realized my own trauma
further proving you are so right for me
i know i was timid and shy in the beginning about letting my guard down
but you've broke through my walls
and i couldn't be happier to call you mine.

this is the longest I've gone without talking to you
and I feel renewed, me again, and happy
but you sent me videos of you with past people today
and it got me wondering, because I used to think,
you were the one who moved on faster, but no
now it makes sense, because you
you used to think I moved on fast
did you get a girlfriend to try and move on faster?
to try and be the first one because you knew,
I'd eventually be just fine without you?
I hope your strategy works because I'm not coming,
back to you.

What if I become undone
What if you aren’t the one
These what if’s in my brain
Are making me go insane
I’m not in control of my happiness
And every small thing makes me cry
The thought of being alone
Grows scarier by the minute
If you aren’t the one
I will become undone

my heart is tired
but it’s anxious at the same time
and it stays up all night
i had this ideal in my mind
perhaps it does not exist
what is a good relationship?
is it this?
there is a tug of war in my head
sure it’s anxiety,
but it’s also my subconscious thoughts
or maybe i need meds?
to put these thoughts to bed
there’s so many great things about us
but when we’re bad, we’re bad
i suppose that’s how a lot of people are
the heartbreak doesn’t stop when you’ve found someone who has reciprocated
but why should i be the one to mend it every time?
shouldn’t we be doing that for each other?

I ponder if you ponder me
Are we both feeling this confusion?
I'd just wish you'd ask, see
Or is what I'm seeing an allusion?

I tried not to like you, I really tried
But I actually think you're the one
Who ruined the "casualness" guide
You're the one saying people **** up, ***.

Waking up at 5am from a dream with you in it is not what I want
A dream where you didn’t look at me like a human being
Or that you wanted anything to do with me
But I guess the brain never moves on, just finds ways to distract itself for a while,
But just not long enough.

Haven’t spoken in a week
Skin is crawling I can’t sleep
What are you thinking what are your dreams
Because I’m giving up
**** I’m out of touch

I can’t ******* read minds

I don't think anyone will ever understand us
But that's okay because we understand each other
I will never feel as strongly for someone again
And that's okay because at least I got to feel what it's like
To be purely happy just lying in bed looking at you

I know we could be apart for years,
And still be in love as we are.

It hasn't been easy without you,
I lost myself many times,
I just can't wait to see you again.

How do I know when something is real
Again, I've put myself into oblivion
And, I'm not sure of any feeling anymore.

I must keep moving, but my legs will not budge.

Why am I like this
Why am I always scared
I saw you a few days ago
Of course you actually care
I get in my head all the time
About the little things
But something tells me you’re not mine
But of course you are
Why I am doing this to myself?
Is there any truth to my overthinking?

"I feel like I don't know you well enough to..."
No, you don't. You don't know me at all.
I laughed when you called me a sociopath.
Do I like that I come off as one?
"I have too many emotions."

I'm b
        u
          s
           y.

"I'm close to being happy."

I find it fascinating
     Truly worth pondering over,
           That I have experiences you will never understand
                And, you the same.

I find it fascinating
    Truly worth pondering over,
         That I had it so good once and so did you,
              Now, we lay together.

It's truly fascinating that, now, WE lay together.

seems
         rhymes
                    can't
                            even
                                    communicate
                                                        my
                                                            thoughts
                                                                       today
rage took over me,

                  heart's beating fast,

                                 I don't even know what to say.

Bouncing ideas off me while I'm "asleep",
I don't believe you, talk is cheap.
Then when you tell me while I'm awake,
it's worded differently--sounds fake.
I don't understand how you can do this,
love two people then tell me you reminisce,
then go on planning our possible future,
like she doesn't even exist.

I hate feeling like a back-up plan.
I'll never feel special to you, but man,
it sure would be nice to be loved again.

you don't have to explain your worth to me
you see me as I am and not what I used to be
remember when we'd cry in the middle school bathroom?
sharing scars, we'd make ourselves bleed
it was chorus class I forgot to unroll my sleeves
and my friend saw it and stared at me, please,
please know everything is okay but I'm just a little lost
out of touch with what's around me, don't think I'm soft
but you, you are so much more
I don't want your heart to be sore
why is it that I don't even know who I'm talking to
you're my imagination, my muse, my core
you're the reason I shake and tremble,
you're the reason I have these thoughts
you're the reason these words have let me unwind, sometimes rot
but you always come and go and arrive unannounced
I always kind of want to keep you, but you always bounce.

i  listen to him while i smoke a cigarette
peaceful morning while he tells me his regrets
but that's why we're all here right?
regrets, drugs, addiction, the tempting night?
he talks about his wife and i listen
i miss being numb. his forehead glistens
i watch the smoke rise and disperse
i stop listening. i start to think about the universe
i think i'm a narcissist

I'm at the point of drunk, I'm at that point of drunk
I'm at that point of drunk, that I can't even really type.
All I do is think of you and I hate being at this point of drunk.
I had a dream about you.
I had a dream about you.
That I was in a car next to my spouse,
in a parking lot.
You were the car parked in front of me.
I laughed with my spouse, then suddenly saw you,
I saw you.
Opening the door for your wife and baby,
I saw you and froze in a trance.
You finally saw me, gave me a smile,
and I will never forget what that felt like.

I sat through the hour long mass, and as soon as we needed to stand

I got up, reached for my dad’s itchy blazer, wanting to hold his hand

Oh no he was too quick and the crowd started to rise

I lost him in the millions of fancy shoes; I started to cry

I looked up at the arched cathedral and noticed the lights

How they would change colors if I stared hard, they became bright

All the sudden I was pushed and shoved and scattered about

I was caught in the middle of the crowd, wanting to get out

I saw the doors finally and rushed between and around the legs

A familiar itchy blazer appeared, “Please, be my dad.” I begged

Is it my dad? Oh he's turning around!

I went up and hugged him, but I didn't recognize his sound...

THIS WASN’T MY FATHER; it was some other guy!

I cried once again and felt as if I had died

I stormed down the stairs, then to a place I felt safe

On the playground with my best friend Kate

We played and we laughed and went down the slide

Then a familiar itchy blazer came walking by, “Sweetie it's time for the ride.”

I was relieved to see my dad and said goodbye to Kate

And told her next time we should have a play date

I grabbed my dad’s hand while crossing the parking lot

I knew we'd soon be at brunch at my favorite restaurant.

I don't trust people
and it ******* *****
I actually quite like you
but it's just a ****
some temporary lovin
to **** time I'd have alone
temporary huggin
just to make me moan
might think otherwise
because the signs you've shown
but this will not be love
it's just tiptoeing through the unknown.

Your room is a mess,
Your mind is high,
And I'm yours for the night.

Your touch is mesmerizing,
Your passion is surprising,
This night is different than the rest.

Your sentences hide things,
But your body is honest,
Though the morning is no different.

I'm used to your nature,
I'm used to your vibe,
Just thought it could be different this time.