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1.1k · Apr 2019
Untitled
Orchid Rose Apr 2019
Your smile
                
         is a slight breeze
                                        
                     on a beautiful,
                                                                  
                             sunny, summer day.

                                                             But oh,
              
                                                                    your mind
                            
                                                                                  is much,
                                          
                                                                                        much more.
is
1.1k · Oct 2018
down the rabbit hole
Orchid Rose Oct 2018
If I were an android
if my memories were only
but implants in my head
what happened to the one that made me?
are my eyes really dead?
defining the real through emotion,
does that make you think I'm fake?
Do I even exist to you?
For ****'s sake...
432 · Jul 2018
the game
Orchid Rose Jul 2018
officially going off the deep end
into a dark city where they tend
to only have two choices

feel the pain or drown in drugs
keeping warm at night with a hug
from a complete stranger

whilst you might still feel the pain
at least you're numb, though not sane
from the thoughts haunting
424 · Jan 2018
Untitled
Orchid Rose Jan 2018
"I feel like I don't know you well enough to..."
No, you don't. You don't know me at all.
I laughed when you called me a sociopath.
Do I like that I come off as one?
"I have too many emotions."

I'm b
        u
          s
           y.

"I'm close to being happy."
Orchid Rose Jan 2019
I'm at the point of drunk, I'm at that point of drunk
I'm at that point of drunk, that I can't even really type.
All I do is think of you and I hate being at this point of drunk.
I had a dream about you.
I had a dream about you.
That I was in a car next to my spouse,
in a parking lot.
You were the car parked in front of me.
I laughed with my spouse, then suddenly saw you,
I saw you.
Opening the door for your wife and baby,
I saw you and froze in a trance.
You finally saw me, gave me a smile,
and I will never forget what that felt like.
317 · Jan 2018
Mom's Story
Orchid Rose Jan 2018
Mom and Dad, brothers and sisters, and horses too,
Big house, lots of land, catholic school, and friends (few),
This is how I grew up until I turned the age of five,
Till my parents got in a plane crash and did not survive.
My siblings took care of me from then on out,
Moving to different places here and there, no pouts.

Fast forward to graduating high school and on my own.
I went to college sheltered and trusted everyone I’d known.
I learned that was wrong and moved back with my sister,
Because she started getting sick and didn’t get better.
I switched colleges there so I could be with her
And still didn’t know what I wanted to be—that, I can assure.
I graduated college and decided I needed a change.
A new place to call home—yeah, that could be arranged.

So Atlanta here I came for good weather and people.
Didn’t see this one coming, but there I was in a steeple.
To get married to my true love whom I’d grow old with,
And wow, this southern man was quite the wordsmith.
He made as many puns as he could within a conversation,
And, our love eventually was put forth through three creations.

Though I had much tragedy in my family as a young girl,
My husband and children became the light of my world,
However I began to lose my siblings from suicide and cancer,
But I stayed strong for my family and looked to God for the answer.

And as I eventually told my story to my own kids,
The memories came crashing down and, woah, were they vivid,
Tears streamed down my face but I knew they would understand,
Even when my mother’s song was sung in church and I could not stand.
They understood my sudden reflective instants,
And when to hold my hand, hug, or kiss as an assistance.

My kids are my best friends and I love to spend time with them all.
I support them in everything they do and we always have a ball.
280 · Sep 2018
Frankenstein
Orchid Rose Sep 2018
I dove into the water without thinking
What the consequences would be while blinking
Salt stung my eyes and my vision ceased
I could still move my legs and arms at least
But I also tried breathing and couldn't
Get out of the water, I just wouldn't
I thought I saw a treasure at the bottom
Pretty, shiny thing that wanted to blossom
I went deeper and deeper till I could see it
But ended up being too out of reach
With disappointment, I reconfigured what to do
I looked up but I was trapped where are you
My vision finally collapsed and my breath was no longer
I was lonely and frightened which gave me time to wonder
I blamed you, but it was me, who became this monster.
277 · Jul 2018
Insomnia
Orchid Rose Jul 2018
Maybe it’s because I like to watch the sun rise

Maybe it’s because it reminds me of your eyes

Maybe it’s because I don’t do well with the dark

Maybe it’s because I can’t sleep without your arms

But perhaps it could be the calm sounds of the city streets

Or the emptiness I feel in between my sheets

Watching a new day be born again and again

Hoping this day could maybe have a different end?

Or perhaps it could just be my mind choosing this time

To routinely overthink, becoming trapped inside these rhymes.
275 · Jun 2018
Intensity
Orchid Rose Jun 2018
mind running faster than the words can escape my mouth

   so

I just sit there

listening and looking at you.
274 · May 2018
goodbye torr
Orchid Rose May 2018
I feel I have finally begun to move on
It's exciting, yet terrifying
I don't want to forget what we had,
but I really do at the same time.

Seeing you with someone else hurts,
but it's just what I need,
and I selfishly hope you keep trying,
to talk to me but I won't answer

goodbye torr, 'twas a good run,
I secretly hope she's not as much fun...
264 · Sep 2022
Untitled
Orchid Rose Sep 2022
What if I become undone
What if you aren’t the one
These what if’s in my brain
Are making me go insane
I’m not in control of my happiness
And every small thing makes me cry
The thought of being alone
Grows scarier by the minute
If you aren’t the one
I will become undone
251 · May 2018
Untitled
Orchid Rose May 2018
this is the longest I've gone without talking to you
and I feel renewed, me again, and happy
but you sent me videos of you with past people today
and it got me wondering, because I used to think,
you were the one who moved on faster, but no
now it makes sense, because you
you used to think I moved on fast
did you get a girlfriend to try and move on faster?
to try and be the first one because you knew,
I'd eventually be just fine without you?
I hope your strategy works because I'm not coming,
back to you.
242 · Nov 2018
the music room
Orchid Rose Nov 2018
a place where I could let loose,
play the notes, sing the words,
with you, oh how we'd produce,
beautiful, on-the-spot experiences,
harmonies that gave me goosebumps,
I miss those times.

acoustics, kisses, songs, laughs,
time stopped in the music room,
but it's also where our hearts broke in half
with trembling lips, we'd make-up,
and lay on the floor for hours,
telling me you'd never want to break up.
242 · Jan 2019
unworthy
Orchid Rose Jan 2019
Bouncing ideas off me while I'm "asleep",
I don't believe you, talk is cheap.
Then when you tell me while I'm awake,
it's worded differently--sounds fake.
I don't understand how you can do this,
love two people then tell me you reminisce,
then go on planning our possible future,
like she doesn't even exist.

I hate feeling like a back-up plan.
I'll never feel special to you, but man,
it sure would be nice to be loved again.
238 · Jan 2018
Stuck on You
Orchid Rose Jan 2018
I am a peach pigment lost in nostalgia
You are a black flower out of touch with reality
I used to fly freely as an organic shape,
Then the stars fell into your bed that night.

Nostalgia is now everywhere but not with you,
You, Black Flower, are my reality,
But I'm still not sure if it's real.

I become a peach pigment in oblivion
The black flower will choose my escape
But I start to wonder if you will ever decide.
237 · Jun 2022
Untitled
Orchid Rose Jun 2022
Why am I like this
Why am I always scared
I saw you a few days ago
Of course you actually care
I get in my head all the time
About the little things
But something tells me you’re not mine
But of course you are
Why I am doing this to myself?
Is there any truth to my overthinking?
206 · Jul 2019
Untitled
Orchid Rose Jul 2019
i dreamt that you shot me last night
my remains flew back onto the concrete
I knew it was a mistake to trust you
194 · Jan 2021
in a different dimension
Orchid Rose Jan 2021
two souls meet and worlds collide
conversation over a meal, we're both wide-eyed
smiles exchanged, connections were made
more dates but still no progress was displayed

there's nothing wrong with you nor me
i suppose we should set each other free
go our separate ways and move on with ours lives
before this starts to hurt, with heartbreak shown in our eyes

we may like what we see
but you think better is out there
and i'll be the first to disagree

but

i
  can't
           help
                   but
                         to wonder

maybe if the black in your eye had truthful intention
we'd be together in a different dimension
187 · Oct 2018
Untitled
Orchid Rose Oct 2018
How can I put up with this toxicity?
Where even when I'm near it,
I want to melt away...
187 · Sep 2018
rejection
Orchid Rose Sep 2018
I now realize how it initially began
one night changed everything, I wish I ran
instead I stayed, feeling your heat
and the passion seeping through the sheets
I wish I could've said no I can't come over
or only if I know you're completely sober
but it happened and I can't change that
and my friends keep telling me we need to chat
just know confrontation isn't my thing
so it probably won't happen but I do need to bring
your clothes back over at some point
oh how I dread hearing your viewpoint
because I know you don't feel the same
and I know you're going to say I'm to blame
for reading into every move you made at night
and how your smile one time was so bright
but I meant nothing to you and I know that
just let me down lightly while I stand on your door mat
and I'll eventually be alright.
187 · Feb 2019
you make me smile too much
Orchid Rose Feb 2019
I don't trust people
and it ******* *****
I actually quite like you
but it's just a ****
some temporary lovin
to **** time I'd have alone
temporary huggin
just to make me moan
might think otherwise
because the signs you've shown
but this will not be love
it's just tiptoeing through the unknown.
183 · Oct 2018
the galaxy inside my head
Orchid Rose Oct 2018
there's no drug that takes you away
no remedy that doesn't let you stay
if there was a cure, it be not Monday.
183 · Apr 2019
welcome to my brain
Orchid Rose Apr 2019
you don't have to explain your worth to me
you see me as I am and not what I used to be
remember when we'd cry in the middle school bathroom?
sharing scars, we'd make ourselves bleed
it was chorus class I forgot to unroll my sleeves
and my friend saw it and stared at me, please,
please know everything is okay but I'm just a little lost
out of touch with what's around me, don't think I'm soft
but you, you are so much more
I don't want your heart to be sore
why is it that I don't even know who I'm talking to
you're my imagination, my muse, my core
you're the reason I shake and tremble,
you're the reason I have these thoughts
you're the reason these words have let me unwind, sometimes rot
but you always come and go and arrive unannounced
I always kind of want to keep you, but you always bounce.
173 · Apr 2018
Just a fan
Orchid Rose Apr 2018
Following, followers, fake.
Is my mind trapped inside?
"Be your on leader, make yourself better."
How can I through this system?
Where all I can be is just a fan.
Orchid Rose May 2019
Do you remember when we used to run this town?
We'd always talk about getting out
Innocent within our bliss, things crossed off our bucket list,
Funny how quickly you moved on

You watched me drive off one last time,
Going separate ways--it was a sign

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and torturous
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm stronger
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it

Now you're there and all alone, while I regain my independence
Designing my essence
I chose to move on and become happy cause **** being sappy,
You started to rely on someone else immediately

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and dependent
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm happier
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it.
165 · Aug 2021
potential
Orchid Rose Aug 2021
i like how this feels
and what it could be
you're a movie trailer of a love i’ve wished for
finally i see it with you
but we are no where close to the ****** of the story
so i'll take this step by step
and enjoy the ride
with you
165 · Oct 2018
how to move on 101
Orchid Rose Oct 2018
I wish you weren't scared
I wish you'd come to me
But I'm rational now,
Thoughts have settled,
thoughts have discovered,
that you'll always be scared.
162 · Jul 2018
For September's Sake
Orchid Rose Jul 2018
what do you say I'm worth?
your time, your money, your old habits?
I want to be better, but I said that yesterday.
Care to rekindle this and say I'm yours?
For September's sake?
158 · Feb 2018
A Night Like Yours
Orchid Rose Feb 2018
I had a night like yours I suppose.
I know this because I woke up,
Not being able to remember you like I had,
Not being able to remember your body,
Or the events of our evening together.
I woke up and I was happy about this,
This lack of feeling feels good,
I see why you do it.
155 · Aug 2018
f-f-f-f-focus
Orchid Rose Aug 2018
I can't focus
I can't dream
unless it's you
what's this mean?

I can't focus
I can't sleep
unless I take a pill
or eat a treat

I can't focus
but I really need to
I need to study
But my head's a zoo

When will this stop
it's been months now
and I want to let go
or get lost in a crowd

Can you focus well?
Or do I seep into your thoughts?
Do you miss me too?
Your feelings, were they caught?

I can't focus
I can't even move
unless it's to you
oh tell me you'd approve

At least I can write, sing, and dance,
but it's the only thing I can do
when you've got me in this trance.
Orchid Rose Jun 2018
dearest casual *** partner,

the surprise doesn't surprise me anymore
the short texts just don't cut it
and I'm tired of my heart feeling sore.

your habits are starting to annoy me
your body has started to change
you're pathetic and I wish you'd see

I'm over being scared to get personal
I'm over the immaturity of your brain
your presence is not good nor educational

so guess what, I'm not answering this time
you're not dragging me through depression again
take this as a warning, take this as a sign
to finally get your **** together,
refine.
151 · Apr 2021
Another sad poem
Orchid Rose Apr 2021
I'm  not used to being treated this well
Gone through many, you can probably tell
But I haven't been this hurt in a while
And I know it's because you made me smile
It was short lived but it was lovely
Then we realized you had someone in your mind
If only I had seen it, but you were just so kind
I know you didn't mean it, maybe that's what makes it worse
But you still think of her, so I'm stuck with this curse
I'm shocked but not surprised, as my serotonin decreases
Here's to being sad once again--my heart is in pieces.
149 · Jul 2018
un-do
Orchid Rose Jul 2018
state your name
read the sentence
"today I am happy."
Say it again
Say it again

state your name
read in between the lines
"today I am happy."
analyze it
analyze it again

state your name
don't read it,
just stare at the space in between
the letters.
148 · Sep 2018
A mother's burden
Orchid Rose Sep 2018
He peered from behind the garden of triumph
His face was white, and feared with the power of influence
I saw him through the gray stained glass window then,
In an ordinary position with his thumb in his mouth
Blurry, yet he still resembles what I made of him that day.

I watched him grow closer to the ship as I once did
The wooden walls and and names inside are still there
I once wished that he knew me, but this is what's right
Today, his 18th birthday, I lay down, another year passed
Still nothing I know I can give him will make up for lost time.
Another old poem that I love to go back to.
148 · Jan 2018
2:41 am
Orchid Rose Jan 2018
2:41 am is quite the time
To let your thoughts wander
Until they become slime
That seeps through your skin
Until you can take it no more
And must take a note for a min.
This is the worst it's been in a while
I want to ask you for help
But I think you'd find that vile
I thought about things today
That I haven't in a long time
Including "Oh my" I'd say
And middle school years
Rebellious and Oblivious
I miss innocence, not careers
Letting my emotions take control
I make a puzzle of words
That act as a gate to my soul
I wish you'd read this now
And hold me tight as ever
But who you are keeps changing.
146 · Sep 2018
Rain, Oh Beautiful Rain (I)
Orchid Rose Sep 2018
Oh what a beautiful mess we've made
We've torn apart our love parade
And now it's empty and grey
Taking so much to let it all rust
Until it cracks and dulls; what's left of us

Cabin houses and Sunday hikes
There it shown; dreamlike
Good mornings, breakfast and goodbyes
I thought I'd be the one next to you, I'd lye

There's something strange in the air
Or the lacking of your presence there
Guilted by the face of your mother
I hide there; weak and brittle; undercover

The rain comes and I know it's for me
I've damaged a boy who used to be free

You took my arm, we began to sing
But the voice in my head; it's ring
"I love you, I'm sorry, but I...
I have lost myself in your eyes."
Orchid Rose Sep 2018
It was of course you
Who made me make the decision
But I hold you not the blame
As the serpent slithers inside my brain
It eats away the feeling and the pain
Near you I am a tattered window
I'm a ghost of your past,
A fake whisper in your ear
And I'm sorry I said yes in the beginning
I recall no memories, oh I wish
My head would deny them all
But the pictures they're there
Oh how I wish, I wish to go blind
There is no closing for us
Departing in opposite realms of reflection
The best of times
I wish you luck in this game of insanity
Time doesn't stop, we mustn't be grey
It's worth for tomorrow, but not today.
143 · Nov 2019
a change of heart
Orchid Rose Nov 2019
huffing and puffing
I can't get out
heart's beating
mind's freaking
I can't even focus
I don't hear sounds
alone in my head
again

little things
turn monstrous
I couldn't sleep
only think
I'm returning to my toxic self

with the help
of one's words,
I become utterly nothing.
141 · May 2018
Your Nature
Orchid Rose May 2018
Your room is a mess,
Your mind is high,
And I'm yours for the night.

Your touch is mesmerizing,
Your passion is surprising,
This night is different than the rest.

Your sentences hide things,
But your body is honest,
Though the morning is no different.

I'm used to your nature,
I'm used to your vibe,
Just thought it could be different this time.
140 · Mar 2019
the color blue
Orchid Rose Mar 2019
I had my first dream about you
and that's when I knew I was doomed
because usually I don't remember my dreams
and you don't dream of me, I presume.

I knew I was doomed from my dream
because it showed me that I don't trust you
and though I want to, my guard is up
ugh the feelings are ******* cobalt blue

I really had been fine up until our last session
but when you showed emotion,
even ******* paid attention,
I lost my mind in your hue,
you're ******* cobalt blue.
140 · Nov 2019
honesty
Orchid Rose Nov 2019
infatuation or illusion
but I don't think it was ever love
always thought this was the conclusion
turns out it's none of the above
140 · Aug 2021
Untitled
Orchid Rose Aug 2021
Time
You have four years to complete this degree
then you must, you must be ready to know what to do
for if you don't, you will end up back here doing the same thing
Pressure
You must do good on this exam
and every exam, every project, if you miss one you will not be successful
If you don't do good it means you're not smart enough
you're not smart enough, you're not smart enough, you're not smart enough!
Stability
Why would you study something you like? Don't you know you will be living in a tent if you do that?
You need money, you need money, you need money
Me
I am trying to find the thing that gives me a greater purpose
is it here? is it here? is it here?
An abundance of thoughts flashes through my brain
and it's a lot.
Bringing me down to my knees, hugging my pillow, crying as my dog probably starts to worry
Is this it?
139 · Nov 2019
break-up
Orchid Rose Nov 2019
it's all, all over
all, all over
but I guess it's okay
I'll rediscover myself
all over again
I know I'm good at it
I find myself
quicker each time
stronger with each wound
I just hope
in the midst of all this,
you become better too.
137 · Mar 2018
Untitled
Orchid Rose Mar 2018
How do I know when something is real
Again, I've put myself into oblivion
And, I'm not sure of any feeling anymore.

I must keep moving, but my legs will not budge.
137 · Aug 2018
Brendan's 21st
Orchid Rose Aug 2018
going home for the first time in a while
a lot has changed, even your smile
it's bigger than ever and it made me happy
your 21st birthday, oh so classy

and look at our little brother go,
he's got his **** more together than us, whoa
we smoke out on our dark, quiet street
memories come flooding back so we take a seat
on the grass of our yard and talk
about things we wouldn't have before.

I still call you by your childhood nickname
of course I would, and you do the same.
Sad I have to leave so soon though,
I guess next time I see you all there'll be snow.
137 · Mar 2019
healthy brain
Orchid Rose Mar 2019
You told me I have a healthy brain
I loved that you thought I was sane
but I fight with myself a lot sometimes too
about life, about people, about the rain
I know most of the time,
I have a good head on my shoulders,
but it's nights like these
that I'm being crushed by anxiety boulders
I overthink until I hypervenalate
I focus on the bad, I complicate
I worry about breaking down,
and having to pick up the pieces alone
again, and again, and again
and I worry once you find this out--
these flaws of mine, you will treat me differently,
and somehow that's the worst of it all.
Would you tell me then, do I still have a healthy brain?
136 · Apr 2019
The Purest Sunshine
Orchid Rose Apr 2019
Oh childhood friend,
What has this world done?
You were only a day older than me,
So we’d celebrate our birthdays together
And laugh and play in the Atlanta sunny weather

Oh childhood friend,
Your heart just stopped working
And there’s no explanation
To why it suddenly started hurting
But you were sunshine on a stick,
Flowers in bloom.

Caroline,
The birds sing for you today,
I’ll see you soon,
In another way.
Orchid Rose Jun 2019
deep into the dark clouds
you can find my mind
hiding undercover
chained to the lightning
and drawn to the loud thuds of thunder
my mind goes where you wish it not
and I know you need me to believe you
to trust that you won't hurt me
but I'd rather stay here with the rain and rot
just amidst the eye of the hurricane
is where I slumber and close my eyes
for it is the most powerful winds and water
where I choose to sleep, where my anxiety will colonize
until the storm ends and the sun rises,
I will choose to stay here.
Orchid Rose Apr 2018
I think I'll always remember this one car ride with my brother

Because we were never close, but this time I was able to uncover

Some of the things about him I had always wanted to know

But was too shy or too immature, to ask though

It was already dark, I saw the stars above

The buzzer blew, I said goodbye--well kind of

I got into the car with Scrunch, exhausted from cheering at the football game

Then panicked- I didn't like silence, but I guess I was the one to blame

Because surprisingly he started the conversation, turning the music down

And then we talked about relationships and he said he didn't like the sound

Of having a girlfriend just yet,  then he said something else weird

He liked girls with short hair, I said hey that's ok I don't mind beards

I was finally getting to know him, oh I was so happy

But then he said one of my friends ain't too shabby

Okay, woah, that was a little too far

But who am I to judge, he's my older brother, he's a star

We pulled in the driveway and I almost didn't want to get out

I surely had a good time without a doubt

My brother is pretty cool now, I can actually talk to him

And because of that, I sure did grin.
134 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Orchid Rose Sep 2018
seems
         rhymes
                    can't
                            even
                                    communicate
                                                        my
                                                            thoughts
                                                                       today
rage took over me,

                  heart's beating fast,

                                 I don't even know what to say.
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