I am starting to believe you do not exist,
The real is becoming like a dream,
And I cannot fathom what is to come next.

Past, present, future are all intertwined,
And all the sudden,
It is as if you were always there.

Distraction through music does not work,
Because somehow there is always a song,
That sparks some reality of you.

I wouldn't write as much as I do now,
Maybe it was better that way,
Because now my every thought is you.

I try and get some work done,
But then end up writing these words,
I don't want to forget or remember.


Complete and utter chaos in my head.

a collage of memories fill my head
I cannot decide which to focus on
there's the kitchen conversation with mom
how many pull-ups I could do with dad
drinking with my best friend for the first time
they're sad, they're proud, but they're exciting too
new adventures await, goodbye summer.

i am scared to say it
because i really feel it
you hold me close
and i feel home
i want to say it a million times
because i see it with you
and no one else--
  i
    love
            you.

you understand my in's and out's
you know how to make me happy
you're patient with me and treat me so well
in the bedroom, you've got me under a spell
you're everything i need and want
there have been situations
where you have treated me so well that i've realized my own trauma
further proving you are so right for me
i know i was timid and shy in the beginning about letting my guard down
but you've broke through my walls
and i couldn't be happier to call you mine.

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
not to tell you I love you
not to tell you I hate you
not to ask how you're doing
or get angry for what I just realized
because you waited a whole month to tell me
and in the mean time you still loved me,
and ****, you still might
who does that?

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
to stop the dreams I have at night
of you holding her so tight
mad I'm still hung up on you
by now, I thought I'd be through
but I feel like it's just gotten worse and worse
the dreams are so vivid, **** this curse
great, I got to know what real love feels like
it hurts like a bullet, makes me want to fight

it's taking every ounce of strength in my body
to accept that I'll never have anyone like you again
unless you came back to me and tried to mend
what we had but I honestly hope I'd reject you
except I know I wouldn't and you know too.

dark skies in his dilated eyes
here is addiction at its finest

after he smokes he does some coke
as I watch him naked with infatuation

here's a snapshot of a thought
we're both doing this for the same reason

Haven’t spoken in a week
Skin is crawling I can’t sleep
What are you thinking what are your dreams
Because I’m giving up
**** I’m out of touch

I can’t ******* read minds

I ponder if you ponder me
Are we both feeling this confusion?
I'd just wish you'd ask, see
Or is what I'm seeing an allusion?

I tried not to like you, I really tried
But I actually think you're the one
Who ruined the "casualness" guide
You're the one saying people **** up, ***.

We fished all morning, then decided to take a break

And went back inside where we didn't feel like we were being baked

We decided to make the usual mac n cheese for lunch

My two brothers, their three friends, and I munched

We'd probably watch movies for the rest of the day

Or go upstairs with the giant bean bags, we'd play

But when we finished our meals our parents came in

And told us not going outside on this gorgeous day was a sin

So we came up with a plan to try to have some fun

While being outside in the exhausting, humid sun

We got all of our paint guns, goggles, and gloves

And went into the woods and tried to look above

In search of something we could hit just for the heck of it

So we started shooting trees and branches, it was stupid I'll admit  

But we were having such fun shooting and joking around

Until one of our neighbors I guess heard the sounds

Perhaps they thought the paint guns were real guns

Because the next thing we knew, the police were there sayin “Sons…”

At just eight years old, I thought we were all going to jail

The police officer was talking to me and I turned completely pale

But it turned out to be a warning-- don't go behind our neighbors' yards

My parents were so angry but I was relieved not to be behind bars

We were put to do chores for the rest of the time

Apparently shooting the stop sign was a crime?

So we were forced to wipe all the splattered paint off

Until it was clean, then I turned to my brother, under my breath I coughed

“They still don't know about the rocks…” And I smirked.

I sit in the shower and let the hot water hit my back.

Hating my thoughts, oh how society has pushed

A racket that once hit is now managed by a robot.

My surroundings are blurry and so am I,

Lies are truth and the truth is a lie- I'm conceited.

Humane seems to be an abstract idea now,

But let the world smile, for its ratings are off charts,

While war and disease are taken care of,

I rot in my shower like a dead earth worm.



Wrapping my towel I enter the room

"Surprise!" Say all my friends, the world is better,

And then I. For once again, hope is restored.



Until I wake up and I'm in my bed.

I got tired of hearing this boy's cruel words

I tried to ignore, but oh I heard

"You're a girl. You ****. You should quit!"

I couldn't take it anymore I spit

I skated over and I punched his helmet

He probably didn't expect that coming I bet

I dropped my gloves and we began to fight

The whole team turned, what a sight

The parents gasped and the coach blew the whistle

We were soon both doomed to our dismissal

I skated behind him as he slowly stepped off the ice

I was still furious so I pushed him hard, twice

He fell to the ground where all the parents were standing

I stepped over him, slammed the door to the locker room, and began venting

It was our last hockey practice and I was so mad

The locker room door suddenly opened, it was my dad

He came over to me, but I just stared at the floor

He said, "Hey good job. Shoulda gave him some more."

Then he gave me knuckles and I smirked quite a bit

I knew I taught that boy a lesson: I never quit.

when will we get out of here?
here's some chocolate for the way back, dear
oh, when will we get out of here?
I want to know your story, I want to knack your brain
but it's not safe, but I'm glad you came
oh, when will we get out of here?
i lick some chocolate off your lips
for a moment I'm somewhere else in your kiss
oh, when will we get out of here?
go before they catch you and share some with your friends
I'll meet you next Sunday until we make it out in the end
oh, when will we get out of here?

Tried shooting a rocket in space
Thought it would hit something
Get something out of place
But it just kept going and going
On its journey to nowhere
I thought it would hit it. I swear
But that's what happens when you get dared
Make yourself believe that they actually care
The rocket, twice the speed light
Passing stars so fast, so bright
Black appears and swirly turns
This rocket will not return
It's fallen in a deep dark pit
I'm afraid it just might quit
Vision becomes blurry, all you see is blank
And because of you, my rocket sank.

Pure sunshine on a stick
Playing Dress-up karaoke to Hilary duff
Ballet classes and birthday parties
You were only a day older than me

Childhood friends, you and me,
Chasing boys on the playground
Watching the wizard of oz
Southern roots we shared
Growing up in the Atlanta sunny weather

We parted after pre-school,
But we’d see each other here and there
It’s tough to see you here now,
why did they have to do an open-casket?
You don’t even look like you.

I see your college friends look at you and break.
I lose it
my hands shake, the tears come,
I don’t know what else to do,
But hug your mom.
I will never understand, I will never understand, I will never understand
Why your heart would just stop working

They’d always say,
Miss Caroline’s just pure sunshine on a stick!
God it was so true

Golden curly locks and big blue eyes
Your smile was contagious

You didn’t get to experience life fully
But the lives you touched,
The memories I and many others hold
let your soul be reborn.

I sat through the hour long mass, and as soon as we needed to stand

I got up, reached for my dad’s itchy blazer, wanting to hold his hand

Oh no he was too quick and the crowd started to rise

I lost him in the millions of fancy shoes; I started to cry

I looked up at the arched cathedral and noticed the lights

How they would change colors if I stared hard, they became bright

All the sudden I was pushed and shoved and scattered about

I was caught in the middle of the crowd, wanting to get out

I saw the doors finally and rushed between and around the legs

A familiar itchy blazer appeared, “Please, be my dad.” I begged

Is it my dad? Oh he's turning around!

I went up and hugged him, but I didn't recognize his sound...

THIS WASN’T MY FATHER; it was some other guy!

I cried once again and felt as if I had died

I stormed down the stairs, then to a place I felt safe

On the playground with my best friend Kate

We played and we laughed and went down the slide

Then a familiar itchy blazer came walking by, “Sweetie it's time for the ride.”

I was relieved to see my dad and said goodbye to Kate

And told her next time we should have a play date

I grabbed my dad’s hand while crossing the parking lot

I knew we'd soon be at brunch at my favorite restaurant.

Waking up at 5am from a dream with you in it is not what I want
A dream where you didn’t look at me like a human being
Or that you wanted anything to do with me
But I guess the brain never moves on, just finds ways to distract itself for a while,
But just not long enough.

a memory chills my mind
what are you doing here?
we were pretty messed up then, huh?
But, have things changed?
If that wasn't my breaking point,
then I'm scared what will be...

I find it fascinating
     Truly worth pondering over,
           That I have experiences you will never understand
                And, you the same.

I find it fascinating
    Truly worth pondering over,
         That I had it so good once and so did you,
              Now, we lay together.

It's truly fascinating that, now, WE lay together.

I don't think anyone will ever understand us
But that's okay because we understand each other
I will never feel as strongly for someone again
And that's okay because at least I got to feel what it's like
To be purely happy just lying in bed looking at you

I know we could be apart for years,
And still be in love as we are.

It hasn't been easy without you,
I lost myself many times,
I just can't wait to see you again.

i wanna cry but i don't
i wanna text you but I won't
i'm on the verge to burst
and i can feel it
but i won't do it first

distractions are growing
so i act easygoing
as if i'm not confused by you
and everyone else
i've already seen this through
and i should be done with you
but,
oh, i'm such a hypocrite

I'm tired of looking
I want something real
Someone to touch
Someone who feels,
So utterly in love they sink into my skin
With just his energy, he makes me grin
I know what I don't want
I know what most want
I want you, and you're just out of touch.

i think i'm tired of the games i play
i think i'm tired of being empty
i feed my happiness like it's your call
whether today's good or tomorrow i fall

i think i'm tired of pretending to be unattached
as if i'll be fine as soon as you unlatch
it's not that i'm scared being on my own
i don't know, maybe it's just *** hormones
but i feel like i need you to keep me content
to fill the emptiness that's oh so frequent

it's not that i need someone to sleep with me
i think i just miss intimate moments
in the midst of my stress trying to get a degree
i admit i don't think i'd actually commit to someone
but ****, it'd be nice to stay up with you till dawn

i don't need you to keep me sane
i think i'm just one of those like many
that have fallen into this cycle
and don't know how to get off the train.

i  listen to him while i smoke a cigarette
peaceful morning while he tells me his regrets
but that's why we're all here right?
regrets, drugs, addiction, the tempting night?
he talks about his wife and i listen
i miss being numb. his forehead glistens
i watch the smoke rise and disperse
i stop listening. i start to think about the universe
i think i'm a narcissist

static night
city lights
as we watched from above

silent Denver
summer venture
on the roof top of the parking garage

meeting new lips
he holds my hips
until we start to see the sun rise

and

            then
            
                           something in me started to feel.

You took that song away from me

But for some reason I listen to it more

I wish I had it back

I wish…

we do this thing where we talk less, **** more
the only things we know about each other
barely catch a glimpse of what's at our core
coming over late, leaving early is our motto
this generation just doesn't want those feelings
we learn to not feel like its on ******* auto
and to my women who fall for these guys who like to play
who only call when they're desperate,
who only come over on a week day,
why do you let them have the power?
when its them who should be feeling sour?
babe you did nothing wrong,
you fell for a guy who led you on!
why do we ignore our intelligent intuition?
we let them have us under no conditions
when we knew they were bad news from the start
we keep on like they're not gonna break our hearts
the cycle repeats, you get over the last
but when someone new comes around
it's like we've already forgotten what happened in the past
optimism is what kills us, "oh he's not like the rest"
but as soon as these words sink in,
he'll be gone and you'll be a mess
listen to your intuition one time,
he doesn't want a relationship
he ain't ever there in the daytime
if that's not what you want, stop ignoring the signs
you're smarter than you think you are
don't act like he's your lifeline.

my heart is tired
but it’s anxious at the same time
and it stays up all night
i had this ideal in my mind
perhaps it does not exist
what is a good relationship?
is it this?
there is a tug of war in my head
sure it’s anxiety,
but it’s also my subconscious thoughts
or maybe i need meds?
to put these thoughts to bed
there’s so many great things about us
but when we’re bad, we’re bad
i suppose that’s how a lot of people are
the heartbreak doesn’t stop when you’ve found someone who has reciprocated
but why should i be the one to mend it every time?
shouldn’t we be doing that for each other?