Once upon the most important moment
  ever to be crucial to my too-invulnerable soul,
i ****** up beyond all possibility to be believed,
  utter failure for the only forever which will ever matter

confident in my idiot coat,
  i slit my own throat
    (with my serrated knife
      of not good enough
     i ended my greatest life
       by killing her loving our Love)

i cut out my own heart,
  watched my aborted soul
   streak shrieking out the gaping hole
it was mourning for all the mornings
  it would never wake beside her
it hated me for all the adventures
  it will now never share with her
it shall always despise me
  for the forever she denies me

the blade of my inability
  to make her believe in me
carved out my breaking barely beating heart
  but could not **** the boundless hurt
    (this pain shall always forever reign)

Eventually
  i mostly got over the loss of my sister
    because i couldn't keep empowering the horror
and i understood why she couldn't go on
  and she would have wanted me to move on

Eventually
  cannot this time occur,
i can't even minutely reduce the power of this horror,
  it is feral aggressive primordial omnipotent horror

Shannon, oh, Shannon,
  you threw me away
Shunned, oh god, shunned
on my Judgement Day

The One
  dis-believed US
  un-believed US
The One, while crying,
  said she still Loved Me (me!!)
    (and missed me, silly)
and wasn't better without me,
  but wouldn't be with me
and then went back to an ex before me
  so easily and fast into over me.

And i'll never get past that,
  any of that...

how do you meet a miracle,
The One & Only One,
who says sighs smiles you make each other miracled,
  and then just be over & done.

i don't know if you've ever been that broken,
  if very want you've ever wished for
was suddenly sharing a million more,
and then in an instant all was unspoken

and i  don't know
  if the worst experience you'll ever know
was an unexpected assault
from your own ****-up fault,
was a sudden evil somewhen
  banishing the best you've ever been

but she won't let me fix the what or the why,
  so i'll live for decades wanting to die.
and even in my nothing,
  i do know a few things...

i don't want this dark,
  i want her spark
    & the flame it ignited
      & the future it excited
which used to burn with no pain
  & i keep trying for believing
    somehow someday it will again

i don't want this darkness
  that after her i “live” in.
i just want her kiss
  again & again & again

i don't want to know
  any more of this limp limbo,
i want when i make her laugh
  and make her smile two times plus half

i can't know any more of this horror,
  can't keep knowing years exploding into tears.
i want to keep quoting the movie
where You said Yur best was me
      (seriously, ME!!!!)
    she said it was me

Shannon's voice
  her personality
the touch of her eyes' smile
  and trying to watch that at the same time
    as staring at those luscious lips
while aching to grab her *** as
  we pulled us hips to hips.

everything about her
  and about US
the LOVE
  the LUST
the connections from a multitude of directions
  the music
    the emotions
the bodies playing tunes
  as hearts kept the beat
and kayaks under full moons
  whispered we were the shared heartbeat
    that everyone dreams about
            everyone dreams about
we were it
  we are it
it will never not be right
  it will never not be our night

but her eventual belief
  became my eternal grief
as instead of mend it
  and make US even stronger
she decided to end it
  and make US no longer

so sorrows are all my tomorrows
  and volcano tears are my eyes for years
    (they explode without warning
      all throughout every day
     and no-one seems to see the scarring
      as they burn & turn my heart to pompei)

i envisioned holding her for forever,
  tightly when she wanted,
    loosely when she was ultra busy
      and a light touch would make her happy

i remember every time she touched me,
  it was always rhythm & rhyme & HAPPY
seriously,
i still tingle from her first touch,
    who knew June 30th, 2013 would mean so much
      (or that February 3rd, 2014 would **** me)
we sat & spoke & shared beside a fire,
  finally in person with the finest person,
    as her personality & eyes & & voice set me forever afire
      (until the day she emailed me into broken)

and now i remember how a miracle dies,
  i remember with my once bright blue eyes
whose light left when she said
  we will never be wed,
    we will no longer Love instead

& then my eyes ceased seeing my soul,
  not merely blinded
    by all that was reminded
      staring into that bleeding hole,
but instead finally ******* dead

look me once more in the eyes,
  see the agony in their empty,
and cry as You realize
  removing You from me killed me

break my mirror,
  what's left to lose?
take my forever fear,
  i shall succumb & lose

a We that was US
  is naught but a forgotten smile
and yet all the while...

the other we is here waiting,
  my brokenness & i.
forever needing our re-fating,
  DEAD but dreaming of being alive

is there a way to block having to see someone use this site as a personal blog????  I really want to read and share with people who are trying to explore their feelings and thoughts and laughs and tears and joys and losses by exploring all those things thru words their hearts and souls and minds pour into poetry...not be deluged by someone's constant brain farts. It is a place to share poetry, not a diary or a blog.  So if anyone knows how to block an individual contributor, I would love to now how as well....

i only want one of two things,
  **** whatever else the world brings.
to be with her forever
  laughing along whichever whatever
    changing challenges into our favorite weather
or not to exist,
  a popped cyst
    melted into the mist

fire always burns
  but it only hurts if you can still feel
frost also burns
  but why care if you've no heat left to steal

The One,
  do you comprehend my words,
The One,
  ******* understand what you heard,
The One left me,
  think you can touch that agony?

i novaed my way along
  the first few days of forever
i glowed my giddy song,
  even when sharing mundane whatever
i exploded with her into where we belong
  when we were on an adventure

one day with The One
one night with The One
  was wonder untold
    never to grow old

the next & the next & the next,
  each somehow better than the rest
(which should be impossible
  given each's penultimate wonderful)

but blessed became cursed
  and now each new day is the worst

i was walking hand-in-hand with happiness
  now running begging towards emptiness
but i cannot escape this agony
  cuz it's the cancer inside of me

and it's all my fault,
  my failure fault.
not what i could have been
                  should have been
as a boyfriend
  or a companion

just a loser lover,
  and the judge was not miserly
    sentencing my misery

did i happen to mention
that i found lose in my ultimate win
and far too far before forever
  The One
    threw away her clinton....

the blood-soaked splinters
  of my broken heart
drip screams into my dreams
  that never stop once they start

the mirror-shard memories
  of my shattered soul
reflect what once was perfect
  now whole only as a hole

both are buried barely breathing
  in an eternal fetal curl
fantasizing about an end upon which they depend
  romanticizing any means to meet that end

picturing the gun
  (their new bestest friend)
with its whispered promises
  of pain finally none
    and never misses.

as i am imagining its caring companion
  (which whistles thru the wind)
streaking seeking to blow my mind
  & on its exit make my pain none,
sweet bullet so kind!

i want to kiss it
               caress it
shower it with its favorite flower,
  give it the champagne of my brain

but although my plea is loud,
  this is not for me allowed.
Carla sent her life into hollow,
  and i cannot let me follow

i was born
  i laughed
  i cried
    the former much much more

years after first torn
  i still laughed
  i still cried
    the former still somewhat more

then i met my miracle
  and present & future were immediately wonderful
    with surface & every single level beautiful
and i smiled & laughed & sighed & swooned
  and whispered & whistled
    with US the tune

then i ****** up
  & she gave up
and i may occasionally laugh
  but mostly i cry
    the latter now infinitely more

Shannon & i kissed souls
  but i murdered our miracle
now all i can do is wait
  and beg it to reincarnate

just need to keep asking
  how long do you think it might be
    until there's even a mote less agony in me

and i was once more wondering
  what ******* year will i again get to be
    anything even remotely like what was me

please please please pity my pleading
  and promise that some eternity maybe
    someone shall seal & heal these soul holes in me

oh look, he's back
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

whistle whining back down the track
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

******' boo hoo
so she doesn't love you
just becuz she was The One
  and without her dead is the sun

are we all supposed to suspend our lives
  just because you'll never again be alive
NMFP
  not my ******* problem

oh wait
  i'm the broken boy begging
    don't let it be too late

no-one else needs to care
  about the shredded regrets i share
but that don't diminish the damage
  from landing on the razor
    after being thrown over the edge

shhhhh
  don't wake him up
    he hates waking up

cuz he had a breakdown?
  ****** duh!
thrown from heaven to the ground,
  uh, broken, duh
(did i mention the ground was spikes,
   serrated poison-dripping spikes)

dead but unable to die
  death-breath-kiss in every way that matters
but not allowed to die
  just destined to be bleeding amongst the shatters

why must i wake up again
  every ******* everywhen
    without Shannon

how are you?
  the constant question i'm assailed with

how are you?
  the only answer i've come up with:
      horrible
      awful
      heart & soul broken
      viciously violently depressed
      worst i've ever been
      & worse every day
      hate my self
      hate my life
      wish i was dead

my inner self
  is begging to be someone else
it's not the first time
  just the worst time

becuz she wasn't first love
  just first LOVE

the thing is
  as much as i wanted a billion years of youth together
many millions of much's more
  what i wanted was our forever together
and at 85 You would have made me feel just as alive
  and still nervous & excited
and been beautiful
and twirled whirled my soul

**** You didn't want me
  even one more day
so You nicely crumpled me
  and threw me away

it turns out forever
  is 7 months
then it's a lot of never
  for the rest of my months

and the violence of awakening
  (a demon thirst with no slaking)
will be ripping ragged holes in my soul
  far more than 7 months after me heart was torn apart

so how am i?
  me, whose every day begins and ends
    with a sobbing cry

i am hopeful
        hope full
or actually i'm me,
  its absolute opposite....

(please stop asking)

the execution is complete,
  the blood sticky sweet.
yet somehow i'm still here,
  the end of this pain nowhere near.

i'm not nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
okay so really i'm nothing without You,
  except the only thing that i am
    is absolute agony antithesizing joy.

dreaming expires
hoping retires
  and when she reminded me
    of what is really me
      it was pathetic ******* loser
        & why would she want that with her

i was merely a distraction,
  a temporary action.
before she went back to another,
  was better with her other lover

after all these years,
  the screaming & the tears,
i've finally completely ******* faded,
  the last chamber of my heart degraded

the only colors are red (pure purreed pain)
                              blue (aggressive depression)
                              & grey (dead yet somehow still not gone)

and i should be bland,
  but although broken & barren,
the pain is too intimate with its intensity
  to let me dye away from this **** me

please save me
please believe in me
please unbreak me
please retake me

it's not that i'm nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
shattered shards further shredded,
  a soul just a hole that's been beheaded

the execution is complete
  and dead is the heartbeat.
so why oh why oh why
  can't i just ******* die

There have been women
who liked me licked me
    hugged me held me
      ****** me ****** me,
gave their time to me,
  saying they loved me

walked with me thru days & nights,
  talked with me about the sounds & sights,
let me move them
let me make them moan
let me hold their hand
as we said we understand

It was wonderful to be me
  whenever they were near
but somehow some whisper within me
  just barely too soft to hear
knew they were just telling me
  what i wanted so desperately to hear

but You convinced me (fooled me?), made me feel the entirety of eternity, actually believe in my far too tender heat & vulnerable soul that i was the One who was hot, inside & out, that i was cool on level after level, that i was cute & ****, that my eyes were truly blue and saw straight deep into You & that i made You know You are beautiful & hot & the Most of Everything & Loved & Needed & Perfect & Gorgeous inside & outside & more amazingly wonderful on each & every level than i could have ever even imagined and i moved Yur heart & mind & soul & made You *** out of control. That i was sweet and made You complete and am giving & kind & interesting exciting & funnest & way beyond worth falling in Love with over & over and i made Yur toes curl & Yur tingles smile and i was Loved and Needed....

Maybe it was all just my imagination
  or a wrongly remembered memory,
but i swear upon everything i have ever held holy
  You held me as close & tight as You possibly could
    and whispered sweetly that You Loved me
      and that it actually happened a lot
        and then suddenly not