Little girl
You've grown this past year
Heart broken and mended
Traveling and moving
Traded pines for palms
Friends lost and gained
Depression diagnosed
You've been through much
Laughed and loved
Cried and crashed
Fought and faltered
Now you're 21
Biggest milestone so far
You're an adult in age alone
Constantly mistaken for 12
How do you feel?
Scared, excited?
Ready for this next year?
Or completely terrified?
You've made it this far
No choice but continue on
With hope in your heart
With love filling your soul
With springs in your step
With strength on your side
Happy birthday to you
Or shall I say
Happy birthday to me

what will i be remembered for?
will it be the way....
the way what?
what is it about me?
that make people like me
that make people dislike me
what is it about me?
what makes my boyfriend love me?
what makes my friends like me?
what is it about me?
would you tell me?
please....
i can't tell anymore

he broke up with me today
well, not quite broke up.
he told me he's been thinking
dwelling, praying, pondering
about our relationship
our future and our paths.
he wants me to know
he still loves me
but he doesn't know
if he fell in love with me.
and so i am in a break
i am caught between
two planes
i am not single
i am not taken
until he makes up his mind
and i make up mine
dwelling, praying, pondering
about my own future
the golden boy
that i was so sure about
i am not so sure anymore

in a sea of my own thoughts,
i am adrift
with nothing to guide me
but a compass of morals
and a breath of hope

it's hard to hear a harsh word, even if it's from a stranger or a loved one. it'll stick on your head and stay there for weeks, months, maybe even a year. it's all you can see when you look in the mirror, their words echoing in their ears. people have more power over others than you'd think. you don't think of it until you hear it. it could be a mindless statement simply said or a subtle stab directed towards you. either way, it hurts. you try to brush it off, but it still gets to you. that's all you can think about. the other person doesn't know at all. they don't know the damage they've done. so you just keep living, with a dagger in your heart, and a harsh word on your mind.

here we go
it's starting
and i told myself it wouldn't
and yet
there's something
that's there and real
i can't help but think
think about what could be
i can't though
i made a commitment
i made a promise
i'm sticking to my guns
and yet
there's the allure
of the seemingly perfect fit
of how the humor melds
and the music and movies
and everything
that friendship
started all those years ago
that could develop into something more
with someone who sees me
truly sees me
my heart
my passion
my soul
and they're okay
they're okay with waiting
waiting for me
they see me
they know me
and they want me
and they're willing to wait
as long as it takes
it's been five years
five months more
isn't too long, right?

little girl
2018 is over now
you’ve been strong
you’ve worked hard
you deserve
to shed a few tears
and be proud of who you are
and who you are becoming

as we approach the summer,
as the sun comes out,
as everything warms,
we hear those two words
that we all dread:
'bikini body'
we go to the gym
we eat healthy
for what?
being able to wear
two inches of clothing.
no more for me
i look good
i feel good
all throughout the year
i refuse to give in
i refuse to feel ashamed
for what?
for not looking
like a model?
let me say this
i look like me
that is enough

Breakups ****. They **** when you're sobbing into your pillow at 1 in the morning because you realize your life isn't going to be the same. That you are never going to have that person wrap their arms around you or that you're going to smell their deodorant or that you can't send them a message telling them about your day. It ***** because you feel so alone and you keep letting out shakey breaths and telling yourself 'you're okay, you're going to be okay'

immigrants founded the USA
it's funny to think of
immigrant has become a slur
it's not funny anymore
i never identified as an immigrant
but i am
you wouldn't know it
i look like everyone else
that's always the case these days
you wouldn't know it
that i was born in canada
not very foreign
it's still not the USA
canadian american
with that
i am an immigrant
never realized
never tell
never mind

i know that i said i would wait six months
i had every intention of keeping that
and then he came along.
i kept praying that it wasn't to be
that God would give me a sign
that this man wasn't for me
that i should not pursue this.
nothing ever came to say no
and something said yes.
i told myself no dating him
until i was stable again.
work and school came through for me
and i am stable again.
just like that.
i did not expect this.
i did not want this, at first.
now, i'm with this man
who i am falling for.
and i cannot help
but want to hide it
because of the judgement
"i'm disappointing in you"
"you said six months"
"i thought you were serious"
i was and i am
i did not expect this to happen
i did not want this to happen
and you keep holding on
to my past and my mistakes
to the person i was and not
the person i am now
haven't i changed enough?
i was content to be single and to wait
and he came along and everything changed
i just want you to be happy for me
can't you understand?

there’s this phrase that i’ve heard
one that i adore and despise
“care deeply, hurt easily, cry readily”
do you want to know my dilemma with this?
it’s because it describes me
and i hate that and i love that
it’s a problem for me
i’ll break it down for you
but, i should warn you
i don’t know anymore
“care deeply”
it’s a blessing and a curse
a blessing because
i allow people into my life who enrich it
easily form true friendships
love those who love me
a curse because
i allow people into my life who destroy it
easily form fake friendships
love those who hate me
it’s a vicious cycle
one that i cannot escape
but do i want to even escape?
i don’t know anymore
“hurt easily”
i don’t know if this is a good thing
i don’t think it is
i don’t enjoy being hurt
i loathe the fact that i hurt
i don’t see much of a benefit to hurt and to being hurt
that might just be me
but i regret every single time
that i have caused someone to be hurt
it’s something nagging me
i don’t know anymore
“cry readily”
i hate the fact that i cry
i’ve been told it’s a good thing
that i feel compassion for others
but sometimes i don’t want to
why can’t i be calloused?
why must i cry when others do?
why can’t i be stronger?
or is it weakness?
i don’t know anymore
“care deeply, hurt easily, cry readily”
i don’t know anymore
what are the pros
what are the cons
would you tell me?

you're rough in some areas
like when you don't shave
or when you're frustrated
i don't mind though
i enjoy the scruff
and i hold your hand
you compliment me
you calm me down
when i am emotional
you lift me up
when i am emotional
(i'm sorry that i feel so much)
you have been there for me
helping me along
even when i was limping
struggling to make progress
you're with me now
now that i run
that i am soaring
and you, wonderful you
are right beside me
you have been there for me
since day one
it's been a year
officially one year
since i let you in
truly let you in
you've seen me at my worst
and i've seen you at yours
that hasn't made me love you
any less, only more
you, my love
have been there
and i cannot tell you enough
(or so it feels to me)
how grateful i am to you
for sticking by me
for loving me
for supporting me
for simply being you
thank you
thank you
thank you
i love you
i love you
i love you
(that still doesn't feel like enough
even though it's there
in black and white)

i just want to fall
completely and totally
because that's safe
i just want to fall
straight into you
because you're safe
i'm learning more and more
just how safe
just how wonderful
just how much
we fit together
time is crazy
it's hardly been a week
and yet,
i just want to fall
completely and totally
because of you
you have ****** with me
in the best and worst way
thank you for that
for being you
for being safe
for being someone
that i can fall for
i didn't expect
to fall so quickly
i am still falling
completely and totally
because that's you
because that's safe
to me

you see their souls cracked open so wide that they cannot even deny who they are

what does my life amount to?
a box of papers
thousands of photos
a laptop and phone
memories
i try not to think about it
i really don't
it keeps crawling back
i fight it
i really do
but
it keeps coming
i wonder
what if i was gone?
who would it impact?
i assume i'd be missed

there is nothing like
staying up late
until it just you
and your light on
in a world of darkness

dead week hasn't even started yet
but i already feel dead inside

i spoke my mind
opened my heart
tried my best
not to tear you apart
it happened anyway
you broke down in tears
tried to tell me
wisdom beyond our years
i told you my answer
that i didn't want this
yet there you were
making plans of bliss
you ignored my plea
wiped my cheek
kissed my head
and i still felt bleak
you carried on
without a clue
that i was doubting
my future with you

books are the only escape
from the world around me

let's start with a henna tattoo
work my way to a real one
let's get a cartilage piercing
or maybe get two for fun
read all Shakespeare's plays
and his sonnets before the year ends
write a novel sometime soon
watch every harry potter with friends
see something that's Broadway
read 150 books in a year
have an author sign
a book that's been so very dear
Spend the entire day in bed
or sleep in the family car
in the playhouse out back
in a hammock somewhere bizarre
do something with a love
write a poem for him
slow dance in the rain
and dance away the dim
watch a sunset together
the light slowly appearing
a kiss in the rain
stargaze with day nearing
let's go visit mexico
or Germany, Ireland
let's fly in first class
or helicopter to be grand
see the hollywood sign
or the northern lights
or England or the gum wall
ride in a limo to see the sights
paintball or zip-line
perform a play on stage
try surfing in blue water
or mattress surf, not acting my age
learn to actually skateboard
see a favorite band live
eat German chocolate
run a kilometer or five
get my master's degree
have a chance to paddleboard
finally sing in public
get a guitar to play a chord
or why not have a paint fight
play twister with a mess
walk through a drive through
skinny dip and not fess
put mentos in coke
swim with my clothing on
write in wet concrete
streak across the lawn
tp someone's car
buy a coffee to be kind
smash pie in someone's face
carve initials to remind
so there's my bucket list
spelled out for all to see
the only question is
who would want to join me?

it's starting again
tragic and beautiful
full of hope
awful and wonderful
god only knows
god i pray
make it last
let him stay

there are some days when i want nothing more than to end everything
those are the days when i should fight more than ever before

let me count the numbers of ways i miss you:
i miss your hair
   how messy it becomes from the wind
i miss your eyes
   as they're (somehow) constantly on me
i miss your voice
   the way my name sounds coming from you
   tossing compliments at me, left and right
i miss your beard
   how it feels when you nuzzle into my shoulder
   absently playing with it while you drive
i miss your hands
   your fingers exploring my cold skin
   entwined as we walk through the park
i miss your torso
   my arms under your jacket as we embrace
   pulling me against you
i miss your feet
   how my feet can fit inside yours
   your reaction when I tickle them
i miss you
all the inside jokes
every single kiss
there's a look you get when you're staring at me
snuggling
taking walks
sitting in the back of your car
constantly talking
"****" and "poot"
hearing you call me sweetheart
                                                      ­              and that's just the start

i hate cars
i hate driving them
i hate riding in them
for some reason, other people enjoy cars
i don’t understand those other people
for me, cars are evil
cars take people away
away and you’ll never see them again
i wasn’t always distrustful of cars
once upon a time, i used to enjoy them
the family would go on road trips
see the state and find new adventures
i was six then
i was naive
there’s a reason i’m so distrustful of cars
i don’t have a phobia
i simply hate them
my psychologist says there’s nothing wrong with them
i disagree
cars hurt
they **** and destroy
they take away love and replace it with pain, tears, and grief
and flowers
there’s always flowers
hundreds of flowers, filling the house and suffocating you
slowly killing you
cars are dangerous
i don’t see why most people don’t realize that
i hate them for one reason
they take away and never give back
it happened a year ago
it was an accident
my mother died
there was a drunk driver
he hit her at an intersection
he was fine
she died instantly
she didn’t feel the pain of the crash
the rest of us did
we felt the pain of the crash
the crash that destroyed our lives
we all had our own personal demons after that
my father buried my mother
he then buried himself in work and scotch
my oldest brother locked out the crash
he then locked himself in his bedroom
my other brother never found closure
he then was never found at home
i lost my mother
i then lost myself
we were all broken
this happened for months
until i...
i said ‘enough’
i ran away
that’s all i am
a runaway
a scared child who couldn’t return home because...
she was being suffocated
she couldn’t breathe
she couldn’t live
i
i couldn’t live
it was an accident
i wasn’t as careful as i should have been
it was dark and rainy
the anniversary of the first accident
the anniversary of my mother’s death
i was it by a car
my oldest brother was driving
he was looking for me
it had only been a week
a week since i left
i almost died that night
or so i’m told
i almost died
i should have died
these days, we’re doing better
there’s still a hole in our hearts
there always will be a hole
but it’s less painful now
my father has stopped drowning in alcohol
my oldest brother has stopped staying in
my other brother has stopped staying out
and for me?
i’m still lost
but not as lost as i once was

i'm falling
hard and fast
i don't want to be
it's hard to admit
that i am
that i have found
someone who is
what i was looking for
i wasn't looking
i wasn't searching
and yet
there you are
safe and warm
what i want
i know i shouldn't
i know to wait
to wait and to pray
about you and me
i cannot help
to steal glances
at your jawline
because you are
so handsome
and i am not
maybe i am
you like me too
there's something
sparking
between us

i am following my heart
after two years
after not wanting to face the truth
i am going home
to my family
to my friends
to oregon
it's a tough descision
i have cried so much
i have tried to fight
the heart always wins
i am moving home

it's a strange feeling
butterflies in my stomach
nerves shaking my fingers
it's starting again
isn't it?
the idea, the notion
of my future
what is it going
to have for me?
i should be scared
and i am
rightly so
but there is the idea
of what will come
i thought that
i lost that
i never did
even still
i have hope
i am excited
scared of what
God has in store
but even still
there is a futre
there is hope

i have come to the realization
that i have found a secret
that i did not even know was hidden
i have found the secret
to loving myself
i will still wake up
and look at myself
and dislike what i see
those days are becoming
less and less
the secret, dear ones
is that there is none
love comes with time
love comes with age
love comes when you see yourself
not as something to hate
but as something to care for
i dislike my thighs
i dislike my stomach
i dislike my acne prone skin
but
i love my ***
i love my curves
i love my eyes
i see the good in the bad
it isn't always easy
it rarely is
but my god
is it worth it
to look in the mirror
and like what you see
to not be ashamed
but to be proud
to be the soul in the skin
i challenge
whoever is reading this
to try to love yourself today
even if it's just today
that's still worth it

i was once told before that i’m the kind of girl who deserves to be complimented. when i asked what kind of girl that is, i was told it was the girl who flies under the radar.
i don’t know exactly what that means but i don’t think it’s a bad thing.
i think i'm a girl who doesn’t want people to notice her, for fear that they will see all the flaws that she herself already knows. a girl who doesn’t talk with many people, because she has already had too many people come into her life just to decide it wasn’t worth it, leaving her wondering what she did wrong and what is wrong with her. a girl who you never see talking to a boy, as she has already had her heart bruised far too many times to try again, just to try and fail again. a girl who's seen reading, as reality is far too cruel and dangerous of a place and she would rather die a thousand hero’s deaths than face someone who has a harsh word upon a sharp tongue. a girl who is always smiling, even though she’s broken inside and refuses to show anyone the parts of her that hurt, fearing she'll be hurt even more than before. a girl who keeps to herself, thinking she is intruding and will be unwanted. a girl who is teased and laughs it off, secretly wondering if those teasing remarks are true and if that is what people really think of her.
is that what a girl who flies under the radar is? every word rings true for me. maybe i simply am a girl who flies under the radar. a girl who is invisible

today, i was treated than less than human.
i don't think i deserved it.
maybe i did.
working in the service industry.
however, i don't think
that i should be yelled at
for something i cannot control,
like how the store is laid out,
how the store's 'flow' is
and how much more effecient
it would be
to have it go in the other direction.
did i deserve that?
to be told my store is a
fire hazard
because we only have one door
and the flow isn't
how the gentleman wanted it,
thought it should be,
how he thought it should be.
he yelled because we did not
have a sign to say
where the line started.
he yelled at me for
district's number.
yelled at me,
demanding district's number,
continued to yell
while my coworker got him district's number.
i asked if there was anything else i could do.
today, i was treated less than human.
today, i feared that i would be injured,
even more so than i have been,
all because someone hated something
that was
out
of
my
control.

Life will hold you back when you don't want him to
Life will also hold you back for the right reasons
Life will hassle you about the little things
Life also knows that the little things are most important
Life can be very confusing at times
Life can handle all the questions you throw at him
Life won't always answer your questions
Life will keep you up, when it's late at night
Life isn't always fair and isn't always unfair
Life will balance itself out, if you let him
Life can handle all the questions you throw at him
Life knows, full well, any day could be your last
Life is the one keeping you alive
Life sees you at your worst and your best
Life will make you late
Life will throw obstacles at you
Life also knows you can handle them all
Life is always popping up unexpectedly
Life will always be looking over your shoulder
Even if you hate Life sometimes, he's always watching over you