My eyes dance
then they swim,
as I catch a glance
of all of him.

His eyes pierce
then they linger.
His gaze is fierce;
he ***** a finger.

He beckons me
then he waits.
Wish I could see
what he finds so great.

I move closer
then linger near
in need of closure,
you whisper

"Come here..."

We started out as lust,
and quickly grew from there.

Now everything is different.
What we have is rare.

My fingers lingered a little longer
on the soft lines of your face.

Your kisses went a little deeper;
it was no longer a race.

Your embrace feels a little stronger.
None of this was planned.

My heart beats a little louder
the closer to me you stand.

It hasn’t been very long,
yet I know this is true:
without you, it feels wrong,
and I’m in love with you.

Sometimes you look at me
And bite your lip
You grab my leg
And tighten your grip

You tell me I'm beautiful
You say I make you happy
It feels me with warmth
To know how you feel about me

But...

Sometimes you won't look at me
You turn me away
I don't understand
Why you don't want me to stay

You tell me to ****** off
You say you don't want
Anyone to know about us
It's almost a taunt.

I don't understand
How you go from
Enamoured and captivated
To distant and uninterested

I would like nothing more
Than to heal your heart
From the pain within
And offer you a fresh start

Why can't it be you and I?
Who cares who knows
Because, even though I've tried
I can't let you go

The air was hazy
from the smoke machine on the balcony.

My heart was pounding
but it wasn't from the music.
It was your fingertips,
grabbing hungrily at my hips.
I was too weak to speak.
You couldn't hear me anyway

I could feel you,
your body pressed against mine.
We moved in time, but not with the music,
to the rhythm of our hearts.
It was a start.
My hands moved up your chest and your intake of breath
left me breathless, and I realized I was digging in claws
but I was desperate to be closer to you.

My fingertips brushed your cheeks on the way to your neck,
I needed to pull you closer somehow.
What we had wasn't enough
but your smile made me feel like I was.
Like I was the only person in the room,
crowded full of people,
that you saw.

I pulled myself away, and pressed my back to you
I wanted you to explore, I wanted it even more.
But it was what I could hear that made it clear you were hungry
A sharp bite on my ear pulled me from my trance
then plunged me deeper
I was eager to keep you here, so I tilted my head, awaiting your breath on my neck

“Behave” you growled.
I felt like pushing it, pushing you, to see how far you would go.
You didn't let go. Neither did I.
We didn't care.
All I wanted in that moment was you.

I still do.

Poseidon's steeds rise from the ocean
silhouetted against the twinkling lights of an English village

They kick out at the sea,
making their presence heard.
Like the rumbling of a million bees,
it's hard to see,
but when you do they are magnificent.
Pawing the ocean,
stirring the current,
they rise above the rocks.
I look at the clock.
The horses are bringing in the tide
I might get stuck between the beach
and the thundering of hooves,
but I don't move.
I am still
while the ocean is in turmoil.
I toil.
Shall I retreat?
Shall I wait in defeat?
The horses call my name
offering a ride
to where?
I couldn't say but I kind of want to try.
I walk closer to the edge;
thank god it's not a ledge
or I'd never jump.

An arm wraps around me,
pulling me away.
But I feel the ocean, it wants me back.
His warmth wraps around me
and it puts me back on track.
I forgot I was cold.
I didn't mean to be so bold,
as to walk into his kingdom
and see the great unknown.

I'm resigned to this life,
walking among mortals.
After all it's not so bad,
when you have someone
that keeps you sane when you feel sad.

The cold creeps into my fingers;
it lingers and I shiver.

The ice pushes into my core;
I adore the sensation.

I can't feel my face,
or my toes, or my hands.
I don't understand why...

...my skin prickles,
the cold tickles,
as it moves in ripples.

It feels good.
This feeling.
I feel alive,
I can thrive.

The cold seems just that,
but it's old and familiar.
Like a friend
here to mend
the heat of pretend.

A thousand words I've written.
None of them seem right.

A thousand feelings bottled inside.
None of them are ok.

A thousand ways I've thought of you.
None of them I can act on.

A thousand things I want to say to you.
None of them leave my lips.

A thousand times I've told myself no.
None of those times I've ever stopped.

It's been so long.
My vase has been empty
for fear of selfish gardening.
I had almost given up completely.

My favourite flower was always an orchid.
I thought I had found it long ago,
but it seems my orchid is a rarer breed;
it takes much more care to sow.

I happened across it on a lively night
in a garden full of flowers.
My lily had just turned to poison;
it's amazing what lust devours.

My orchid had seen many vases,
some much nicer than mine
and yet it chose to flower then
and look entrancingly divine.

For a couple years I watered it
from far away, safe from my touch of war
I was afraid that I would squander it,
like I had so many times before.

But the orchid was just like me,
adventurous and curious.
Though we couldn't be together
we let each other be flirtatious.

And silently we grew together,
and my orchid came to me,
and my whole world came together
even if only very briefly.

Now I sit here writing this,
looking at my orchid, in my vase, on my window sill,
and I look back at myself and realize;
I'm HIS flower, in HIS vase, on HIS window sill.

My eyes shot open
My heart pounded
My hands shook
I was wounded.

Dizzying images still filled my head;
blood, terror, desperation.
I sat up straight,
drowning in perspiration.

Soft movements broke my stupor,
as I felt you sidle near.
You pulled me into you
"baby you have nothing to fear"

I still shook and trembled,
but you squeezed me tight.
You held my head against your chest
and whispered, "everything's alright"

I instantly believed it.
I let the terror drain away.
I let you stroke my hair and whisper,
"don't worry I'm here, I'll stay"

My eyes grew heavy yet again.
"I love you honey" I whispered
before I began to snore.
He kissed my forehead softly,
*"I think I love you more"

The summer sun falls behind
a horizon of fire.
The last light of day
turns the sky into an ocean,
*and I let myself drown.

I was just telling a friend about the wonders
of where I used to live.

The snow, the beaches, the bears, the places.

And it all came flooding back;
a huge tidal wave of longing hit me

I feel like my heart is caged here.
There are people all around.
Trees only dot the street corners.
Civilization everywhere you look.

This is not my natural habitat.
This is not where I belong.
I need to escape into and endless landscape
of nature and wilderness.

I need to go back to my home and native land,
the True North Strong and Free

When the last blood is spilled,
when the last champion falls,
when the last hero dies,
that is when Death calls.

This fight is not over,
our war will be won.
Our will is unmatched
until the last bard has sung.

Oberon has summoned us.
Our quest is absolute,
our destiny is decided,
and our fate, we cannot dispute.

Follow me Brothers, Sisters,
walk with me into the fire.
Our choices are to fail,
or see our enemies on a pyre.

The power to be someone else,
to live a different life,
make different choices.
Oh what a power that would be.

What if I told you,
that you could?

You could choose to be
a scientist
a doctor
an activist
a lawyer
a volunteer
anything that you wanted.

What if I told you,
you could learn from your mistakes,
make new choices,
and new mistakes?

What if I told you,
it is as simple as

Change. Determination. Choice.

I've just been broken into two -
The piece that stayed with me
and the piece that went with you.

I know you know
what I mean.

You read the words my heart wrote
You pass them off - a simple quote

But I know you know
what I mean.

You bring them up for me to see
You joke with me - a silent plea

Dear, I know you know
what I mean.

You can't face your own heart up front
but you can read mine when it's so blunt

Yes I know you know
what I mean.

You can keep it inside if you want to
You can act like you haven't got a clue

Honey,
You know I know you know
what I mean though.

What to feel
                     when you feel too much
when you can't make sense
                                               when you need a crutch

What to see
                   when you see nothing
when you want a light
                                       but you can't see anything

What to hear
                      when you hear everything
but you feel alone
                               when you hear yelling

What to want
                       when you want it all
when you need someone
                                           but you haven't the gall

It was the right thing to do
but, Oh God does it hurt.
I'll never find someone
quite like you.

I'm sorry for everything
I've put you through.
You think I'm right for you.
Trust me, I'm not.

I wish and I hope
with every fiber of my being
that you find your true soulmate.
It isn't me.

Keep searching,
keep looking,
you'll find the right one,
and maybe so will I.

Maybe someday

Distance makes the heart grow fonder
And
Time makes our will grow stronger
But
Life makes our meeting harder
When
Oceans make it so much farther.

Will our love forever smoulder
Or
Will you let us grow colder?

Mundane steps,
common thoughts, (so unoriginal),
like stripes on a zebra.
They haunt me.

Didn't I say the sun was setting?
Sunshine pours through me,
filling me with hope.
Guess I was wrong.

Now I glow.
And I grow.
And I wait.

One day that sun will blast
the shadow that walks past my window
into something real.

My steps will no longer be mundane,
or just mine.

Fresh footprints in the sand -
mine, yours, and a little pair in between.

But it's hard to make footprints on a boat, chasing the sun around the world.

When I think about you,
it's hard to pull words from my mind
that could ever let you know how I feel.
You just make things real.

Our plans are mad!
I'm so far away from you.
When you talk about it though,
well, it could all come true.

Please, for my sanity
quest across the water
and find your way to me.

I would wait a thousand years,
but I cannot waste a lifetime.

I hear you twittering away in the background.
You sing to yourself a lot, did you know?

                                                  I see you tapping on your leg
                                                  I love the way you sound, did you know?

I smell the scent of old wood and music on your collar.
You carry it around with you, did you know?

                                                I feel you holding my heart in every word.
                                                You keep it alive, did you know?

I taste sweet love on your lips.
It is pure and intoxicating, did you know?

                                   Did you know that every little thing
                                      you do drives me a little crazier?


                                    Crazy in a good way, did you know?

The twang of guitar strings
fights through my headphones
eager for attention.

The look of dire determination
outlined with concentration
and subtle admiration,
paints your face
in a handsome light.

You pen a word -
then a sentence.
Your words are laced with
adoration
in anticipation of a grandeur scheme.

Your shy glances
bounce off me when I look at you,
keen to remain unseen.
But I see you.

Words come to life
as they slip like silk
from your lips
and tickle my skin
like icy fingertips.

This love is an art.
I'll write
You sing

Time is a tragedy.
Tragic that we measure it
in years and months
and not moments.

Tragically ironic that a moment
lasts only mere minutes
and then fades to memory.

Tragic that these memories
fade from our minds
and into 'once-were's' and 'what-if's'.

If time were measured in moments
and not seconds to ****,
don't you think living
would mean something?

Anything could change -
Could happen

In a moment.

It feels so right.
I feel like I belong.
It's no longer fight or flight.

You hold me in your arms
and the dark shadows creep back.
Now even the cold feels warm.

But when you're gone...

My mind wanders
My heart aches
My soul shudders
and my will flakes

Until the warmth of your embrace
melts the ice that forever
threatens my being

You.
I tried to shake the feelings.
It was easy enough after you burned them.

They were nothing but ash on the ground, and so I left them
to blow away in the wind.

There was no wind
Not even a drop of rain.
I still ignored that sad pile of dust;
tried not to step in it as I walked around my life.

Fate is planning
Scheming
Calculating
Drawing up plans
for us.

One day that pile of ash
will explode into something
we are not expecting.

Are you ready to embrace
a Phoenix?

I fight this war on my own

I hate that I love you

All is fair?
How I wish it were true.

The silence across the ocean stirred
my worry
was silently creeping up on me

Idle thoughts grew and peaked
my interest
caused me to speak to you

My sun that sets a world away
grew cold
or so it seemed to me

You shine upon another
and who am I to judge?
The little pangs of jealousy
still hurt
they still sting my eyes.

I don't know if you'll be back someday
to shine on me once more.
If you do I hope you're closer
so we can shine together
and I don't have to feel the sting
of losing you anymore.

We created a beautiful work of art.

It shined and glimmered,
glittered and sparkled.
It was magnificent.

It sat on a pedestal,
waiting for the day we hung it up,
safe from  the clumsy hands of others,
out of the way of danger and destruction.

And then I bumped it.
It was all accidental, I didn't know,
just what I'd done.

It wasn't even in slow motion.
There wasn't that moment of hope,
when you think that you can catch it.
It just smashed.

Pieces were everywhere.
Tiny glass pieces littered the floor.
I wept and you angered.
You never forgave me.

I tried to pick the pieces up.
They cut my fingers,
no longer the picture of beauty,
but of harsh reality.

I put our piece of art back together,
as best I could.
What did you do?
You threw it back to the ground.
Again I worked to fix it.

Over and over, I presented you with
what I thought we were, what we could be still.
Over and over, you threw it to the floor.
I kept telling myself that the cuts and the pain
would be worth it. Don't give up.

I've learned that, no matter how hard I try,
I can't fix it.
Not on my own.
I need your help. Won't you help me?
Don't you remember what we were?
Do you remember that beautiful
shining
glimmering
faceted piece of art that we made?

No?
Well, I'll keep trying.
Let me know when you want to
lend me a pair of gloves or,
even help me pick up some pieces.

God I feel empty.
There is something missing
and it's you.

A hundred men could knock on my door
and I would not open it
because they're not you.

I've never felt this way before
I've never felt so touched
by anyone but you.

I would spend my life with you
I would bring life into this world with you
I would be forever by your side
It's up to you.

I don't know if you still read this
But if you do
Please know that I'm sincerely sorry
For what I did to you.

I hope that you've moved on
And you never think of me
But I still cry over you
For hours, like I'm three

It tears me up inside
Because I didn't get to make it right
And it ways so heavy on my mind
That we had to end us with a fight.

I hope you still read this
I need you to know
I want to make this right
I want to let it go.

I fear what you feel for me
is not as strong as what I feel for you.
That scares me.
This scares me.
You scare me too.

I don't want to be hurt
so I need to know,
can I invest my heart in you,
or am I about to suffer a blow?

I want to say something,
these words I can't keep,
but I'm afraid I'll lose you
after the tiniest peep.

I wish I could tell you
just how I feel,
but I'm afraid it's too much,
and you'll gasp and you'll reel.

I need to touch you
in the most gentle of ways,
but you're miles away,
the swim would take days.

I miss your voice
and your face
and your hair,
having to keep this inside
just doesn't seem fair.

I want you to shout out
how you feel about me.
I need to know
how you feel about me.
I wish you would tell me
how you feel about me,
so I can blurt out this passion
and finally be free.

To define someone is a task,
which word? how many? how honest?
The English vocabulary stretches onward.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I found five needles
And with each I sew your quilt.

So relentless and pretentious
to everyone you meet.
With every little show
these stitches are easier to sew.

And as a reprobate
you should surely know,
the blackened thread gets blacker,
but you just can't let it go.

You are violently twisted,
as the definition suggests,
you're a contorted individual
that doesn't pose a threat.

Ah yes, you read it right.
For all your will to fight,
your lack of might
labels you innocuous.
That's correct, you're harmless.

These needles pierce the quilt,
they thread in every word,
and as you lay your eyes upon it
you realize you can't be cured.

My bed has been cold
for far too long.
The empty pillow beside me
seems so wrong
and when I think about your head lying there
I get feelings much too strong.
My emotions well up inside me,
they bubble up and over,
soon I struggle to breathe,
yet I cannot hide under the covers.

You won't be there
waiting to take it all away
you won't be there
to tell me it's okay.
I know I need to deal
but these thoughts feel so real
and I don't think I can cope
with this endless lack of hope.

Yet I must laugh at myself,
for well I know
you are on your way to me
even as we speak.
You would swim the Atlantic I'm sure,
just to see that I don't freeze.
You'd rush to warm these blankets
and do everything to please.

This knowledge makes me smile
and suddenly I see,
these sheets are not so cold
and these hopes are not so dead
and I know that soon your warmth
shall overheat this bed.

All the times I've said,
"I love you",
all of them were lies.
Except one.

Cruel fate denied me that one.

So I roam the vast crowds,
wading through soulmates,
young love,
forever commitments,
and all the passion in the air.

I roam alone.

It's amazing how life changes
when love is no longer in the picture.
Nothing matters, you feel empty,
you feel lonely.

But not just any lonely.

My soul is only lingering here,
for there is no one to tie it to me.

I cry on the inside,
but I can't hide it.
My skin is glass.

I thought you were gone,
but you were just hiding.
Hello again.

Was I out of your head?
Had you moved on?
Like a ghost I am gone,
but still here.

So I weep
for all to see,
but please just pass.
I am glass.

I don't think you understand
just how much I am sorry.

I cheated, I lied,
I made a grave mistake.

I feel like the most awful person in the world,
and you won't even accept
my countless, endless apologies.

But,
for all that I've done,
for all that I've put you through,
I DO NOT deserve the things that you say.


I am not a low-life, lying, cheating *****.
That tree that tirelessly produces oxygen for me
doesn't need my apology, though I thank it.
Despite what you think, I am not a complete waste of skin.

At first I deserved all the abuse you could throw my way,
but not now.
I've done my apologizing, even though I have my life
to make it up to you.
According to you.

No, that's not happening.
Get over it, Bee.
Everyone else has.

A year.
For a year I loved an idea.
Oh woe, silly me.

Hahaha, how stupid.
How do you love something you have never beheld?
With all your heart apparently.

Well, the idea cut ties with me.
It was hard to give it up,
and I thought I had.
Clearly I was just lying to myself.

You were gone.
I accepted it.

Then you came back.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
How are you? Are you alright?"

HAHAHAHAHA
no. no I'm not, not anymore.
This whole time, I thought...
you didn't even think about me.

Welcome back to turmoil.
No matter how strong I am,
he will always make me weak.

you lie there, peacefully sleeping.
Dreaming. You look so happy
With your arm wrapped around m...

No. Enough.
These thoughts are not welcome
I must stop them
We're over.

you open your sleepy eyes and look at me.
A lazy smile spreads across your face.
You caress my...

Enough!
That was the future
That we let burn,
I must let it go,
though I continue to yearn.

your kisses trail down my arm.
You ask why I'm awake.
I tell you that I love y...*

I SAID ENOUGH!
I messed it up.
We (I) tried to fix it.
I'll never have you in my bed.
I can't get my hopes up,
those hopes are dead.

"you loved me for a year
I might not have known it, but you loved me.
We would talk and talk for hours,
Hold our breath until we could see each other
Over skype of course, but see each other
Nontheless.
Then you did something stupid. You made mistakes.
Painful mistakes. Mistakes that costed trust.
I got angry, I laid into you with words that cut you deep, but I didn't care.
If I did, I didn't show you.
You tried so hard to make it right. You said you'd do anything,
Anything for me.
I still turned up my nose.
You pleaded and begged, you wanted so bad to fix what we had
But still I refused.
And I keep refusing."

You, after so long of thinking yourself the victim,
Have become aggressor.

I knew I should have left it
alone where it grew.

The lily is wilting
it quivers and shakes.
My selfish hands have killed it
waiting for another to take its place.

The orchid has gone sour
its petals ooze a poison.

It grew so far away I thought
another would surely tend it.
Oh how I was wrong,
now I'll sit here trying to mend it.

It seems I'm a selfish gardener
and though I wish it not so,
I know that I have damaged
what I wished to grow.

From the flowers that I hoped to till,
it's punishment that none will be
the flower, in my vase, on my window sill.

You're just beyond that door.
I can see you beckoning me through the window.
My heart races.

The key fits, but the lock won't turn.
It burns.
I yearn.

I feel like a child
being scolded
rebuked

The next like a woman
being praised
exhalted

With a single sentence
you can grab me by the throat

And with the next
release and make me moan

It is clear to me now
my power next to yours
is a feather in a knife fight

A wispy plight in the face of fright.

I'm cold.
These quilts do nothing for me.
I shiver and shake.
Ice grips, will I be free?

My dreams are warm.
Your hot body touches mine.
I tremble and quiver.
We lay here intertwined.

I wake lonely.
I wake cold.
You were never here.
There is no one to hold.

I am cold.
My mind is warm.
I wait for my dream to unfold.

I wait here in the cold.

For all that I am,
I know not just what that is

For all that I am not,
My curse is to see it all

To look deep within myself,
to find all that I am
seems a task.

To watch the world
and see all that I am not
is far too easy.

I live with naive thoughts
to keep from untangling
my own inner knots.