The silence across the ocean stirred
my worry
was silently creeping up on me

Idle thoughts grew and peaked
my interest
caused me to speak to you

My sun that sets a world away
grew cold
or so it seemed to me

You shine upon another
and who am I to judge?
The little pangs of jealousy
still hurt
they still sting my eyes.

I don't know if you'll be back someday
to shine on me once more.
If you do I hope you're closer
so we can shine together
and I don't have to feel the sting
of losing you anymore.

We created a beautiful work of art.

It shined and glimmered,
glittered and sparkled.
It was magnificent.

It sat on a pedestal,
waiting for the day we hung it up,
safe from  the clumsy hands of others,
out of the way of danger and destruction.

And then I bumped it.
It was all accidental, I didn't know,
just what I'd done.

It wasn't even in slow motion.
There wasn't that moment of hope,
when you think that you can catch it.
It just smashed.

Pieces were everywhere.
Tiny glass pieces littered the floor.
I wept and you angered.
You never forgave me.

I tried to pick the pieces up.
They cut my fingers,
no longer the picture of beauty,
but of harsh reality.

I put our piece of art back together,
as best I could.
What did you do?
You threw it back to the ground.
Again I worked to fix it.

Over and over, I presented you with
what I thought we were, what we could be still.
Over and over, you threw it to the floor.
I kept telling myself that the cuts and the pain
would be worth it. Don't give up.

I've learned that, no matter how hard I try,
I can't fix it.
Not on my own.
I need your help. Won't you help me?
Don't you remember what we were?
Do you remember that beautiful
shining
glimmering
faceted piece of art that we made?

No?
Well, I'll keep trying.
Let me know when you want to
lend me a pair of gloves or,
even help me pick up some pieces.

God I feel empty.
There is something missing
and it's you.

A hundred men could knock on my door
and I would not open it
because they're not you.

I've never felt this way before
I've never felt so touched
by anyone but you.

I would spend my life with you
I would bring life into this world with you
I would be forever by your side
It's up to you.

I fear what you feel for me
is not as strong as what I feel for you.
That scares me.
This scares me.
You scare me too.

I don't want to be hurt
so I need to know,
can I invest my heart in you,
or am I about to suffer a blow?

I want to say something,
these words I can't keep,
but I'm afraid I'll lose you
after the tiniest peep.

I wish I could tell you
just how I feel,
but I'm afraid it's too much,
and you'll gasp and you'll reel.

I need to touch you
in the most gentle of ways,
but you're miles away,
the swim would take days.

I miss your voice
and your face
and your hair,
having to keep this inside
just doesn't seem fair.

I want you to shout out
how you feel about me.
I need to know
how you feel about me.
I wish you would tell me
how you feel about me,
so I can blurt out this passion
and finally be free.

To define someone is a task,
which word? how many? how honest?
The English vocabulary stretches onward.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I found five needles
And with each I sew your quilt.

So relentless and pretentious
to everyone you meet.
With every little show
these stitches are easier to sew.

And as a reprobate
you should surely know,
the blackened thread gets blacker,
but you just can't let it go.

You are violently twisted,
as the definition suggests,
you're a contorted individual
that doesn't pose a threat.

Ah yes, you read it right.
For all your will to fight,
your lack of might
labels you innocuous.
That's correct, you're harmless.

These needles pierce the quilt,
they thread in every word,
and as you lay your eyes upon it
you realize you can't be cured.

My bed has been cold
for far too long.
The empty pillow beside me
seems so wrong
and when I think about your head lying there
I get feelings much too strong.
My emotions well up inside me,
they bubble up and over,
soon I struggle to breathe,
yet I cannot hide under the covers.

You won't be there
waiting to take it all away
you won't be there
to tell me it's okay.
I know I need to deal
but these thoughts feel so real
and I don't think I can cope
with this endless lack of hope.

Yet I must laugh at myself,
for well I know
you are on your way to me
even as we speak.
You would swim the Atlantic I'm sure,
just to see that I don't freeze.
You'd rush to warm these blankets
and do everything to please.

This knowledge makes me smile
and suddenly I see,
these sheets are not so cold
and these hopes are not so dead
and I know that soon your warmth
shall overheat this bed.

All the times I've said,
"I love you",
all of them were lies.
Except one.

Cruel fate denied me that one.

So I roam the vast crowds,
wading through soulmates,
young love,
forever commitments,
and all the passion in the air.

I roam alone.

It's amazing how life changes
when love is no longer in the picture.
Nothing matters, you feel empty,
you feel lonely.

But not just any lonely.

My soul is only lingering here,
for there is no one to tie it to me.

I cry on the inside,
but I can't hide it.
My skin is glass.

I thought you were gone,
but you were just hiding.
Hello again.

Was I out of your head?
Had you moved on?
Like a ghost I am gone,
but still here.

So I weep
for all to see,
but please just pass.
I am glass.

A year.
For a year I loved an idea.
Oh woe, silly me.

Hahaha, how stupid.
How do you love something you have never beheld?
With all your heart apparently.

Well, the idea cut ties with me.
It was hard to give it up,
and I thought I had.
Clearly I was just lying to myself.

You were gone.
I accepted it.

Then you came back.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
How are you? Are you alright?"

HAHAHAHAHA
no. no I'm not, not anymore.
This whole time, I thought...
you didn't even think about me.

Welcome back to turmoil.
No matter how strong I am,
he will always make me weak.

you lie there, peacefully sleeping.
Dreaming. You look so happy
With your arm wrapped around m...

No. Enough.
These thoughts are not welcome
I must stop them
We're over.

you open your sleepy eyes and look at me.
A lazy smile spreads across your face.
You caress my...

Enough!
That was the future
That we let burn,
I must let it go,
though I continue to yearn.

your kisses trail down my arm.
You ask why I'm awake.
I tell you that I love y...*

I SAID ENOUGH!
I messed it up.
We (I) tried to fix it.
I'll never have you in my bed.
I can't get my hopes up,
those hopes are dead.

"you loved me for a year
I might not have known it, but you loved me.
We would talk and talk for hours,
Hold our breath until we could see each other
Over skype of course, but see each other
Nontheless.
Then you did something stupid. You made mistakes.
Painful mistakes. Mistakes that costed trust.
I got angry, I laid into you with words that cut you deep, but I didn't care.
If I did, I didn't show you.
You tried so hard to make it right. You said you'd do anything,
Anything for me.
I still turned up my nose.
You pleaded and begged, you wanted so bad to fix what we had
But still I refused.
And I keep refusing."

You, after so long of thinking yourself the victim,
Have become aggressor.

I knew I should have left it
alone where it grew.

The lily is wilting
it quivers and shakes.
My selfish hands have killed it
waiting for another to take its place.

The orchid has gone sour
its petals ooze a poison.

It grew so far away I thought
another would surely tend it.
Oh how I was wrong,
now I'll sit here trying to mend it.

It seems I'm a selfish gardener
and though I wish it not so,
I know that I have damaged
what I wished to grow.

From the flowers that I hoped to till,
it's punishment that none will be
the flower, in my vase, on my window sill.

You're just beyond that door.
I can see you beckoning me through the window.
My heart races.

The key fits, but the lock won't turn.
It burns.
I yearn.

I feel like a child
being scolded
rebuked

The next like a woman
being praised
exhalted

With a single sentence
you can grab me by the throat

And with the next
release and make me moan

It is clear to me now
my power next to yours
is a feather in a knife fight

A wispy plight in the face of fright.

I'm cold.
These quilts do nothing for me.
I shiver and shake.
Ice grips, will I be free?

My dreams are warm.
Your hot body touches mine.
I tremble and quiver.
We lay here intertwined.

I wake lonely.
I wake cold.
You were never here.
There is no one to hold.

I am cold.
My mind is warm.
I wait for my dream to unfold.

I wait here in the cold.

For all that I am,
I know not just what that is

For all that I am not,
My curse is to see it all

To look deep within myself,
to find all that I am
seems a task.

To watch the world
and see all that I am not
is far too easy.

I live with naive thoughts
to keep from untangling
my own inner knots.

My mind whirs and my heart beats
My bones creak
My stomach lurches
My organs motor on.
Yet, for all of this,
I am calm.
I am serene.
I sit quietly,
despite my machine.

Busy,
no time to think, just work, progress, complete.
No room for thought.

So stop,
just think about what you're doing
not what you're doing
but what you're REALLY doing.
Don't you realize?

Wonder a moment,
how you work, how you speak, how you eat.
How does it work? DNA, it codes for proteins
it makes enzymes, that aid in reactions
that make you move, speak, think
You didn't even realize.

Amazing,
that's what we are. The potential in us is
ASTOUNDING
we are powered by tiny cells, with tinier things going on
but it's so small, we often forget how big it really is.
Cool eh?

Busy?
so stop, and just wonder a moment.
Isn't it amazing when you think about it?
The way you work, the way you move?

Now get busy.

Long breaths and long thoughts
we start our conversation

Short breaths and long thoughts
you tell me things I don't want to hear

Short breaths and short thoughts
I panic after every word you say

Long breaths and short thoughts
I try to calm my nerves

Long breaths and Long thoughts
*I realize we'll be fine in the end

My mind has once again
Taken up residence in the gutter.
Even my pen won't work;
It coughs and hacks and sputters.

My body aches with untold stories
Even now, my fingers twitch.
I feel so compressed,
All my thoughts, they've begun to itch

My hiatus of the mind
Has gone on far too long.
I need to feel the flow again,
Because without poetry, I feel wrong.

Asocial?
I've never seen it.
Maybe long ago, when a shy smile
sent us down the longest mile.

Talkative?
So he calls me.
Maybe I was at a time.
I said "I love you..." and suddenly we climbed.

Caring?
I just know it.
His trustworthiness knows no bounds.
I stubbornly doubt, but he pulls me out,
He always makes sure we avoid the drought.

Beautiful?
He likes to say.
The sun in his eyes, he assumes beauty
Lies underneath the blinding brilliance.
I fear my fun exterior has him in a trance.

Humorous?
Beyond belief.
My brutal honesty could never maim
His clever wit, nor put it to shame.

So who is he?
He lives in the future, restless and unsettled.
He lives in my mind, alive and real.
He is all that I need,
I just have to wish and hope and plead.

Lately I have found,
that pretty love
makes for prolific poems.

I'm finding that
a tender feeling
makes for tenacious terms
******* in rhyme.

I found that
a shared heart
makes for shy shrines
made up of secretive words.

As the people around me find someone,
I can't help but notice
the pretty poems,
and the prolific love.

I know you feel it.
Something is happening
               changing
in you.
I can see it.

Your Dam of Desire
has broken,
the floodgates are open
               but you draw on a blank,
do your best to think fast
               before you tank.

You cannot use the Broom stick of Beauty
to sweep away the ugliness of passion.
               You cannot simply sit under the rug
and hide from me.
You know it cannot be.

But now you feel as though
you've been put on the bench,
and your heart feels wrenched,
and your feelings clench,
                 but you wait.

Just wait,
you'll see.

Oh, the frosted trees
the North Wind blows
like delicate skeletons
at home in the snow

Sway and shed
your frosty attire
down warm necks
like icy spires

There is fun to be had
in the frost bitten forest
dropping wint'ry surprises
all over the tourists

It is sad to think all fun
must come to an end
as the warm sun smiles
to melt malicious pretend

It seems to be
that the Lily is exactly what I want.
Its sweet whisperings were too much,
its songs a playful taunt.

It seems I've caved.
I dug out my *****
and dug up my Lily,
I made a quick trade.

Such innocent pedals,
the Lily once did possess,
now lie in shambles
by my urgent caress.

It seems I enjoy lillies,
though I never thought it.
We seem to just click,
and never think to quit.

What of the Rose?
The Rose weeps silently,
its last pedals blackening,
its life fading quietly.

I'm so afraid
of what you can do,
when even the slightest touch
seems like too much.

I'm full of fear
of the way you look at me.
Gaze full of intensity,
me crying for its brevity.

I'm terrified
of the things you say.
They send me spinning,
reeling, swimming, wishing.

You don't know it,
but you frighten me.

You, who could so easily
reduce me to a trembling mess
at your feet.

It just takes a touch
and you could ensnare, enslave
capture.
I would be hopeless to resist,
but my face would stay brave,
even through your sweet persist.

I snap and lunge
       big dog on a long leash
I show my teeth
        wolf warning
I claw and paw the ground
         leopard to pounce

I cannot be responsible for my actions
when you back me into a corner
with all of your aggressive reactions.

I think my rose is wilting.
The vase chipping,
the thorns softening.

And the Lily calls,
a song on the wind,
a melody in harmony
with pedals and a euphony
of sounds so sweet.

My rose struggles to lift it's weary head
above the edge of the vase,
to look at me,
but I'm looking away.

And the Lily sings
sweet whisperings meant for my ears,
coalesceing me to where it grows
as pedals dry my tears.

I promised I would leave it,
protect it's sweet innocence,
but what does it want?
Can I really deny something that calls
to my very soul, my heart?

Oh, what could we start?

Even if I were to study Kinesiology,
it couldn't give me the slightest hint
as to why you move, the way you do.

I could listen to a sub woofer's bass,
and it still couldn't give me a trace
of the things that make you
feel alive.

And even with scissors,
I could never cut out
from a cloth
just why you are the way you are.

The patch cord that you play with
amps up the sounds I hear,
and yet I could not ever
hear a single tear.

To me you are a subway station,
busying about, seeing me there
but not seeing me clear
A small blur, in the corner of your eye

To you, I am there then gone again
But to ignore you? I couldn't even pretend.

My rose is not just any rose,
It is very special, one-of-a-kind.
The keeper of the vase on my window sill

The lily that I found,
So beautiful, so delicate, so pure,
So unbelievably uncorrupt,
I couldn't pick it.
My fingers I fear,
Wouldn't fail to wither it.

See, my rose has thorns,
a tough outer layer.
The lily is so soft,
So delicate,
I couldn't risk the chance.
So I offer just one last glance.

I will leave the lily where it grows,
To dodge my trowel, and those of others.
Until it finds the tenderness of real love
to pick it from its lonely plot of soil.
Where it will sit on someone's window sill,
in a vase, thriving in all the spoils.

I have a flower, in a vase, sitting on my window sill
There are no other flowers on my window sill
        Just a rose.
This rose is special,
It hasn't died since I picked it.

The life of this rose depends on me.
No other flowers can exist on my window sill,
No other flowers can fit in the vase.
Just that flower, in that vase, on my window sill.

Walking through a garden, I see another flower.
Better than the rose in some ways,
but not in others.
      This flower is a lily.
My heart immediatly begins to tear in two.

So now I face a dilema.
Pick the lily, or let it die.
Keep the rose, or let it die.
Either way, one must die.
And I am stuck between two beauties.
I need a flower, in a vase, on my window sill.

So I delve deep.
I think broadly.
I remember something.
My favorite flower is an orchid.
I have a feeling my orchid is in a distant garden,
waiting to be picked --
       by me.
This orchid will be
My flower, in my vase, on my window sill.

And so I can live with the outcome of the lily
      or the rose
And I just hope they don't die
that someone else's favorite flower
     is a lily
     or a rose.
Because I know that something is going to happen
that will bring me closer to my favorite flower.
So I must be patient.
And just wait for
My perfect flower, in my perfect vase, on my window sill

You are my dream; you are my wish, my sun –
You shine like hope, and I need that today—
You are my only, it’s to you I run,
When skies are grey, illuminate my way.
I don’t think you know, you are very rare,
Dear, my love grows with every breath I take,
You are unaware of how much I care,
A reason to live is what you will make.
So please don’t close your eyes, I’m always here,
Don’t take my sun away, just keep shining –
Now that you’re here, there is nothing to fear,
So now I must ask something defining.
Why don’t you spend forever just with me?
The sun shall never set upon our tree.

Her tail flicks with irritation,
Her bed is under occupation.
She lets out a quiet meow,
and begins the prowl.

Her cat bed has been conquered,
her feline smell obscured.
She advances on silent paws,
and stirs up a cloud of claws.

Perhaps the name 'Fluffy'
does not fit her.

Sun fought on to keep the onslaught back,
Night smiled and sent his wispy minion,
who then cascaded down from the heavens,
covering all the land.

Weak beams tried to pry open the sky,
and take back Sun's rightful place.
Grey fog creeped into the scene,
and thwarted all hopes of escape.

Not all stories end happily.
Sun's rays were beaten and retired.
Fog thickened in triumph.
Night paraded in early.

The fog welcomed in the Night,
and the Night laughed at the Sun.

Oceans try to swallow our new phoenix,
Drown the fire we have created anew.
The waves now become our biggest critics,
So we bide our time, await our debut.
The people talk, as they are wont to do.
We hide our fire inside a secret place.
We keep our feelings purposely askew.
We are not ripe, the world we cannot face.
Time takes a stab at stabbing what we have,
Fate encourages us to wonder. Seek.
We get caught in the middle, half and half,
Yet I know we are beautif’ly unique.
Some things you just leave to Time and to Fate,
But some things are too special to dictate

The eerie and the creepy,
come out to play in the early,
hours of the night.
If you are afraid of the dark,
stay out of the park

Soon the goblins and the ghosts,
will be your spooky hosts,
waiting on your fears,
serving up your tears

They'll bask in your fright,
for it fuels their night,
taking advantage of you,
then the taunting turns cruel

Stay behind locked doors,
for the graveyards, battlefields, and moors,
are coming back to life,
and looking for your strife

Driving me crazy...
A nasty, unwelcome longing,
pulling on me, dragging me lower,
down to a very lonely place.

Only your smile...
I never got to see it for real, just a pixelated version.
I wish I could have touched it as it spread leisurely
across your face.
Only your smile can make me lighten up
after cold, dark thoughts,
A little ray of sunshine on a gloomy day!

Maybe one day...
I can stand next to the sun,
and watch as it smiles at me with such warmth.
A beautiful glow looking at me lovingly.
Oh!
I should be so lucky...

Or should I?
Perhaps I'm blinded by the sun.
Perhaps I should look away...

We fight and it is so heated
we say things that hurt and sting
we pang with pain and malvolence
And then we say goodbye.
Not, "Good bye hunny! Love you lots!! <3"
No.
Our good bye is brief and harshly punctuated.
And then we huff and puff and stew
Then we ask questions
At first they are angry questions, ones with no answers
"Why is he/she such a ******* *******?" "Why is he/she so stupid?"
And we stew some more...
Then we ask the right questions.
"I wonder why he/she feels that way.." "Why did I say that?"
And we stew, but in a different way now.
We think with our brains instead of our emotions.
And we begin to realize something important
We do not fight because we want to antogonize.
We fight because we are afraid of losing one another. Afraid of saying the last goodbye.
We mull that thought over and I don't know about you
but tears begin to escapre from my eyes and fall gently to my pillow.
Not racking sobs, just small, meaningful tears
I'm sad because I hurt you
I cry because I really hope I didn't make you cry.
I am sorry and I guess what I really want
is to say that to you.

*I'm so sorry...

Drenched
with lonliness
Spun
until confused
Tossed
until my heart was dry

Yeah, you left me high and dry
Abandoned like the search for your lost sock
and whats worse
*forgotten...

I remember when you wagged your tail
How could I not? It seemed like you never stopped.

I remember when you pushed me into a snow bank
How could I not? I went to school frozen solid.

I remember when you let me use you as a pillow.
How could I not? You gave me fleas.

I remember when we used to go for walks.
How could I not? We discovered so much together.

I remember when you were always my best friend.
How could I not? You were the one that I could count on.

I remember when you died.
How could I not? I have never been the same since.

When your tail stopped wagging
is when my heart stopped beating as strong
as it used to beat when you were my best friend.

I will give you a present.
Not bought
Not pretty and gift wrapped in silvery paper
Not shoved in a box with a card on top

I will give you an idea.
Gift wrapped in words
Only thought of, not thought through
You can make it your own

Take my gift and make it something special.
take that idea and make it something magical.

Then wrap it in words and re-gift it.
I won't mind
Spread the ideas and watch as they blossom.

A gift can be more than a material object.
It can be creativity that changes the world...
...one idea at a time

I cry in the face of the moonlight
and watch as the firelight
dances in spite of the porchlight
I know that this is just right

Your memory taunts
haunts and flaunts
while my breath
is caught

I laugh in the face of distance
and giggle as resistance
is ironic in this instance
and I know this is a good trance

Your memory taunts
haunts and flaunts
while my breath
is caught

I am in need of no other
these miles won't bother
all because I would rather
have you than another

*Your memory taunts
haunts and flaunts
while my breath
is caught

I see the way you look at me
your eyes longing for the face they cannot touch

I know the way you think
your mind imagining the possibilties they cannot have

I feel the way you move
your body trying to remember what is has not ever had

I see you, I know you, I feel you
I cannot have you
not right now
not now
not...

You see me watching you
imagine me thinking about you
knowing that I see you

It is almost to much
almost

But not yet.

These words you said
fall down my face
even after they have dried
their route I still trace

We love from afar
and take no part in the fear
but sometimes we break
and we let out a tear

From where we both stand
our hearts far apart
we know what we've planned
to bring them to start

Yet there are moments
when life is too much
and a double edged comment
makes both of us lurch

Love is doubted
loyalties challenged
tears break the glass
and all that we've managed

Do not fear
what we can be free of
just remember that no matter what
It will always be you I love

These tears you make me shed...
we can still be rid of.

Life was the worst kind of painful
the pain that stabs the heart
Living was dragging my *** through the mud
not willing to go ahead and start

A chance encounter was a blessing
given to a lonely soul
A total fluke sent reeling
a new idea, a new role

His love flowed through me swift
the current swept me up
The passion had me set adrift
seeing a sea of future possiblilities

I love like no other would believe possible
what he has done to save me
Thank my lucky stars it's probable
*this love he's got me stuck in

Be right back
...most painful statement ever
It's supposed to mean
that you'll be right back
*it never turns out that way

I said a plane ticket from me to you
wouldn't cost too much.
You asked me about another ticket,
"how much would one cost to your heart?"

I knew immediatly right then and there
you didn't just have a ticket,
you had the deed,
unlimited access to my love.

Now I have to be honest with myself,
do you actually have such a hold?
I'm thinking about this long and hard.
Of course! To you, my heart is sold.

So now I sit here waiting
for the time he can claim what is his.
My heart will forever be waiting
for that one, life changing kiss.

Do you keep my heart in a locked box?
collecting dust on your window pane

Do you open it sometimes?
remember what you still claim

Do you hear it beating
atop it's lonely perch

Does it keep you up at night?
making your heart lurch

One day, I pray, you'll bring it back to me
And finally I'll get to see

Don't get me wrong, I stole from you as well
It sits on a dusty shelf, taunting me

If you bring me mine, I'll give you yours
preferably undamaged, mind a scar

We can go our separate ways at last
finally be on par