It dawned upon me we had never
celebrated Christmas together because
You would indefinitely be
Out of town.

I remembered the vintage cards
you got me for Valentine's though,
those you couriered through a friend,
accompanied with your sweet note.

I still crave, you know.
The basil chicken rice, chicken wings and thai milk tea
at our favourite thai restaurant,
near the lodge.

Are the ponies still there?
I smile thinking back about how I
stopped you in your tracks and irritated you
with my indecisive texts about our adventure.

Man in black 1 2 3 wasn't as
interesting as your sleep talking, really.
"Hug more, more"
But I swear the air con wasn't helping.

Pasta, and the Jolly Shandy
wannabe champagne on your birthday.
Percy pig and working hard for pancakes,
Do these ring a bell?

1993 shirt
Zara perfume
A photo of you driving
That scar on your chin.

Thoughts come and go you know,
it really isn't up to me.
"You haven't met enough guys to conclude"
Your voice echoed.

I am clear, or so I hope to be.
I still know how you like your Subway, and
the Harry Potter name of your dog,
The dog you think of

As frequently as you thought of me.
Friendship. "I tried, and I wasn't comfortable."
I tried too,
Friendship; inevitable.

There are times you succumb to irrationality too?
"Just for tonight"
One night,
One kiss.

I felt it, you know?
I hope irrationality still runs in
your blood and it continues
to boil you to take action, someday.

Against my interests or not
It doesn't matter.
Pathetic self inflicted redemption that kills my
strength and feminism callings.

I thought I burnt my longing for you
along with those stars
and cards and correction tape and money
and your manly diary.

What burnt was passion and
incorrigible stubbornness instead.
Blind faith in fate
Naked trust in love.

This Christmas
I try to give myself a present.
I thought long and hard,

My present is my present.

I just want to
Date.

Doll up,
Smell nice,
Dress up,
Look cute,
Heads up,
Sound sweet.

I just want to
Date.

Meet up,
Smile wide,
Hook up,
Hug tight,
Break up,
Kiss hard.

I just want to
Date.

When I try to miss you
and forget you,

Try to call you
and delete you,

Try to love you
and hate you,

Try to please you
and punish you,

All at the same time.

It's not because
I no longer love you.

It's not because I think
We are not meant to be.

It's surely not because
I am bored of waiting.

But it's because
I replay those memories.

And involuntarily,
I saw the hurt in your eyes.

It's evident though I had missed it previously,
**It's too late to even try.

Commitment is heavy
both on the heart
and on the shoulders.

Most forget and they crumple
under the weight of expectations
and romantic moments.

Commitment is like carrying you
through the sea but not
unloading you when things get rough.

Sometimes people get confused
about which valuables to keep
and which to abandon.

Commitment is like flying a plane
I get to lead and
direct us to the beautiful islands.

But it's never about me flying
it's about you landing and
never crashing you.