i am, therefore i am a to be
but to be what?
to be what, i ask?
i am a to be, and to be a to be means i am a will be
but will be what?
what will i be?
and if i am to be a will be, i will have to have been a won't be
what have i not been if not being?
and if i am both a will be and a won't be, i will have to have been a never be
what will i never be?
what will i never have been?
because i am a will be and am to be a have been
and a haven't been
and a have done
and a haven't done
what have i if not to be and to have been?
i am, therefore i am a to be
what am i but a to be to be forgotten?

the head wages battle with the heart
the head, armed with knowledge and tactics
fights because it knows it is the right thing to do.
the heart, armed with passion and determination
fights because it feels it has to fight for something.

it is difficult
to find stars in hollow eyes
of broken people.

most days i'm fine.
i can function like a normal human being.
i can finish my work in a normal amount of time.
i can operate at a normal frequency, or even at a higher one.
i can laugh and joke and keep up with conversations.
i flow easily.

some days i'm not.
i can't think through the fog that clouds my mind.
i can't keep up with the joke, or i laugh a beat too late.
i can't control my emotions and end up blowing up at someone.
i can't keep my hands from shaking and my words from stumbling over themselves.
i am ice with rough edges that crashes against itself.

i am alone
i am struggling
i am unfixable.

truth is, i would jump off a cliff if my friends did
not to follow aimlessly
but to save them
and if need be
i would jump first
so they would not have to.

a drop falls
on exposed skin
and runs down
followed quickly by
another and another
(all happy tears)
as she lifts
her hands up
to her face
in joyful shock
and laughs out
one single word
that changes worlds

yes.

i have spent far too much of my life
building towering walls with no arches, without windows
without any view to the outside world.
i would much rather have liked it if i would have built fences instead.
fences are moveable.
you can push the rows and rows of wire or wood a foot to the north
or a foot to the south
or make a curve in the line.
fences don't block everything out,
they don't keep everything in,
and they don't hurt as much when they fall.
walls, on the other hand,
crash
and burn
and take months and months to rebuild.
fences?
fences can be put up in a day or two
depending on how difficult you want it to be to get in/get out;
fences can be taken down in a day or two
depending on how easy you want it to be to get out/get in.