one day she longs
to remember the sadness
with a gladness and fondness
that she no longer resides there
heaven help her hopeful heart.

Father, remember the drives
Me on the passenger seat of your UNO
The old cassette

You were always this strong person
My giant
My one and only father
I have been frozen since your reluctant departure
Ricocheting between numbness and screaming despair
not far enough on either trenches
For fear it will all collapse

I imagine you here, still
You took the sound with you
All's left but sound and warmth
Burying my head in my hands
in shame, is all I can do

Father, remember the warm December nights
Our lungs filled with music
before yours filled with water
father, you may rest now
You said you still have a dream
I will fulfil your dream
As a shrine to your lungs
That must now sing forever
In the garden of good-byes.

I felt you in my future
and i knew you'd be mine
in my dreams
Visceral certainty
when you came to me
it shocked my faculties
where you really here
i am not used to this sort
of fortune
You were too important
for me to swallow you whole
but you were all mine
The moon at my very feet
And then you were gone.

my dear
where are you?
are you at peace?
as for me
i ached to bloom
all my petals
scattered on the ground
on this strange land
i am sorry
i am failing to be
i miss you.

He is pain
He is light and love
Cocooned in his sublime presence
Hazel eyes that glimmer in daylight
I feel as though I'm to depart from this life
He possesses tenderness
in the way he moves and talks
A delicate man
He is pain
He is mine.

Losing you has been the most fundamental loss of my entire existence
It's like yearning to go home
But not being able to go ever go back
Or desperately trying to get a hold of
something intangible
my feet unsteady
On the muddy terrain of grief

For the both of us
I vowed to carry on
I must
Just often times
the air
gets hard to breathe
And I yearn for you
more than you'll ever know
My hands shake
The will be is
I am weighed down
with guilt, shame and fear
I would sell my soul for a room next to yours
I would have lassoed the moon to present it at very your feet
Forgive me,
I never bought you a pair of shoes
I never had the chance

The living have to live
Time keeps staggering on to nowhere.

I know you when you delicately stitch the fragments of your unbecoming
When everyone else is reaching is reaching for the sun
I know you when you ache to swallow it
When you rip through yourself
Searching for the skeleton key
That will quieten the longing
The cure
Vague, elusive
I know you when your love is sacrificial, ******, clingy but real.

I am in the city you hated
In the guts of the very land
which made you tremble
I am in the center of the bruise,
still
Embroiled
by and by
It is bursting, heavy
My eyes are falling.

That night
he held me
like a promise
he poured his guts
on the bed of the hotel room
his breath on my shoulder
this human
this beast of a man reduced to a coil
in my caring embrace
i understood
the molecules
of his nature

his revelations filled
the room with a heavy
stench of sadness
he told me, he loved me
in all his conviction
i know you don't love me
I said
i would later find out
he did, love me
in his own
silent
cruel
way

when we held hands
later that night
the artificial affection
i looked at him in awe still
i was so ever gladdened to bask in his glory
i watched him drive into the night
he is not the answer my faculties screeched
they all never were
this was madness
the pinnacle of circling
on the edge of the never-ending.

Will you say to them
when I'm gone
I loved your daughter
For the fire on her tongue
arms flung open
the devotion in her bones, still.

your daughter is an animal
uncontainable
She spends too much time
digging out the dirt
in her fingernails
Your daughter is too overbearing
she reeks of calamity's foreboding
her blood
soaked in dirt
your daughter scares other daughters
and sons away
her arms are too flung open
her blood and bone too sacrificial
clutching on
to hems of trousers
The quivering hands
She holds a pit in her belly
carries fire on the tip
of her tongue
burning the land and the foundations
on which she stands
Yet she worries about the visibility of her difference

The screams
infertile
delirious
The burning halo
Hanging on your neck
Your perfect edges ruffled
Grief awaits in a corner
at the dawn of tedious despair.

Something shifted that spring
The gentle hands that which caressed my bare back
Became a claw
Ripping my fragile atoms
With confusion and horror
Another faceless thing
Pulling me into the mist
Fade to black
I folded my soul over
The tremble found it's way
To the surface
In the spaces between
The cracks in the foundation.

I hope you'll have
the strength the clear the road you are on
You are a conquerer
I know you'll have the heart .

Hey staan stil vir een sekonde. Mamma kyk na my wonde
Dis nie wonde nie my kind
Jy mag dalk net so **** maar
Baie meer het al baie meer verloor
As ek haar meer kon mis.
Het ek gedisintegreer.

Hey, stand still for a second
Mom looks at my wounds
It's doesn't hurt my child
You may just think so
Many more have lost much more
If I could miss her more

Did I disintegrate.

I so desperately
wanted to see her in
myself
So that she would not be lost
forever
I traced my frail features
From the topography of my irises
To the fold of my nose
The thin of my lips
I found an avalanche of
memories of her and me
in the deep of my eyes
and the curve of my face
The brown of my skin
lay the very fabric of remembrance
Of what it was like to be her daughter
I wept until I couldn't see.

It went dark
Without warning
I blurred at the edges
From violet to blue to indigo
And black
It settled in modicum of
Sanity
And in it's place
There it was
Settling in my bone
This emergency
This terror
I descended along with it
Feel it now I said, be done with it
And be free
Grief flying away from your
Body
I am almost free, I think
Until the cold grip of a nightmare
Takes hold
Then there's blood everywhere
And this hint of madness
Lulling me into senselessness
I blur at the edges
From violet to indigo to black
These revolving doors of remembrance
Entraps
Somethings can never be escaped.

I am sorry,
I could not catch
your breath before
your soul departed
from your body
Had I succeeded in doing so
These burning hauntings
Would not be embedded
In my fragile pyche
Perhaps your ascent
Would have been
More ethereal
Less troubled
Peaceful
I am sorry
I couldn't do that one thing
for you.

Blooms to break
Like wildflowers
Corroding spine, brittle
Wrapped in debris
Clouds dissipating
between fervent hands
Precious transiency
Soil in my fingers, still
This unforgiving flood
Drowning me at sea.

"It was a dreary night of November
That I beheld
the accomplished of my toils
Remember that I am thy creature
I ought to be thy adam
But I am rather the fallen angel
that now drivest enjoy
for no misdeed
everywhere I see bliss
from which
from which
from which I alone, am irrevocably excluded
I was benevolent and good
misery made me a fiend
make me happy
and I, again shall be virtuous
but soon he cried
I shall die and what I now feel
be no longer felt
soon, these burning miseries
will be extinct
I shall ascend fume up higher
triumphantly
and exalt in the agony of the torturing flames
my spirit will sleep in peace
for if it thinks
It will  not surely think thus
Farewell."

The peculiar
Transient  state of feeling
Visits at night
Under darkened skies
Tucked in the Velveret air’s
Warm embrace
Only then do I have
The audacity
To wrench away
All of my inhibitions

The dreaded daylight comes
Ever so swiftly
In it’s presence
I still choke
On the almost
Cowering in limbo
Waiting for salvation
Have mercy on me,
Give me the night.

The silence knows
The chill
occupying
The chasm within you
Just like the dark knows
Even flickering pale light you possess
Will not save you

Just one more relapse
from settling the score
As the ticking time bomb ticks
These enchanting ***** nights
are numbered.

Comatose and forgotten
Mutilated with the scalpel of false hope
It exacerbated
Bones are heavy with burden
The soul is raging with words
Entrapped by screaming silence

Wilting:

October roared in
With a cold embrace
It burned inside of me
The leaves decayed
Earth sank to grief
I could feel the sound of death
Humming in my bones.

Rooting and blooming:

March sashayed in
with a gentle breeze
These flowers
of my becoming
Blooming, blousy
Unrestrained
Bending in time
Towards the sun.

The way he wears my name
On his lips
In between kisses,
Staggered speech,
tender embraces
And especially when he's laughing.