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Nicole Joanne Feb 2015
I love it when you open up to me,
share the world inside your head,
instead of just rolling words off your tongue.
I want to hold your hand,
but i also want to hold your heart,
and your mind,
and i want you to know you can trust me,
I want you to want to always be mine

(NJ2015) (All Rights Reserved)
Nicole Joanne Oct 2014
I have a lot to express,
but the words are suppressed.

Can't eat, can't sleep, can't speak.
But that's all I want to do.

I have never felt so lonely
as I've been feeling since I've met you.

(NJ2014) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Jan 2015
I'm only happy when I'm sad.  -all poets
Nicole Joanne Feb 2015
i'm painting pictures on arms with water-colours
because it's the only way I know how to express myself,
sometimes I think my mind is beautiful,
but it's so diluted and the colour is barely showing anymore.

i don't feel beautiful anymore.
I sketch the perfect feature,
and use oil pastels to create this 'dashing' smile,
but by the end of the night, it's all faded.

i don't feel beautiful anymore,
i've been wandering around art museums
staring at such complicated pieces,
and wishing I could be beautiful and complicated too.
Nicole Joanne Mar 2015
but you ignore my texts when you’re out with the guys,
and you talk about girls that catch your eye,
and you tell me all this like it’s not killing me inside.

and your hands are drunk on caffeine,
and they run all over me,
and when i told you to stop, you didn’t listen,
and when you did you stopped talking and wouldn’t look me in the eyes,
and you didn’t even have the decency to walk me to the door to leave.
i said goodbye, you say ok,
and didn’t move an inch or even look at me,

and i got to class late,
but it wasn’t as late as realization that i’m not nearly important to you
like you are to me

but unlike creative writing,
i’m already failing in the subject of you
and i don’t know why i keep trying.

NJ2015 (All Rights Reserved)
Nicole Joanne Jan 2015
Maybe I’ve lost my voice because I’ve been screaming for help for years.
Now its the big day and I can barely spill a word
-foolish child, cant you be independent?
well heres what you deserve.

I'm standing in front of a crowd of people
I've tried endlessly to rely on,
and now I'm going to show them how I've failed.
Nicole Joanne Dec 2014
She saw him on the streets and suddenly understood
that blood is blue rather than red while in the veins.

(NJ2014) (All Rights Reserved)
#me
Nicole Joanne Feb 2015
if losing your mind is poetry,
my head deserves a ******* nobel peace prize.

(NJ2015) (All Rights Reserved)
Nicole Joanne Sep 2014
The closest she has ever gotten to romance
is through the imagery placed between the words
of romance novels.

Only is it here that rebel boys fall for innocent girls;
for how long could strong arms hold shaky bones
without breaking them?

He spends his nights getting lost in the bottle,
she spends hers lost in blank pages;

Her whole life is a written story
in the little composition notebook hidden beneath her bed;
the way his hands ran across her skin will only ever be as real
as the way the pencil ran hastily across the page the next hour.

Why would a spark-plug guy like him
ever find himself at the door of a girl
who only ever loses herself in romance novels.
I can't get my thoughts into words, and this is terrible, but this is all I could spill at the moment. I suppose you can consider this a draft, I will probably fix it tonight.
Nicole Joanne Oct 2016
i spent three years with a boy who claimed to love me, but tried changing me every chance he got.

he let it be known that his type were blondes, and foolishly enough I bleached my hair and broke my own heart trying to be his barbie doll. when I dyed my hair brown, he said it was pretty but you'd be prettier with black hair. I could have been the rainbow, and he'd say that the world is simply black and white.

I was an object to him, my virginity a flower he plucked knowing **** well that I would wilt the minute I was in his hands.

He forced me to watch him play video games on a daily -I wish I had realized that he always had the gun in his hand in these games; soon enough he would **** me.

-will be continued / my heart hurts too much to continue right now-
Nicole Joanne Oct 2016
It takes a hand to light a candle, and a gust to blow it out;

I loved a boy who would argue that his hair is brown, but I have always believed it to be an ashy blonde, a boy who's eyes changed from green to golden depending on the light, and who had skin of porcelain that he never quite liked. In the mornings he would wake up, put on some music, and dance around his room with a cigarette in his hand, grabbing his jeans off the chair and his shirt from the drawer. He would run cold water through his hair, take a glance in the mirror, and then exit down the stairs. I would always take a seat while he had one foot out the door, because he had a tendency to always forget to grab his keys.

The hand that lights a candle could also hide the flame.

Years passed and his hair was not quite as long, but still very ashy. He still danced around to music, but to a different song; Bruce Springsteen couldn't match his mood quite like The Weeknd could. He'd grab his cigarette, run his fingers through his hair, and forget his keys, still, before reaching the door. The flame may have been hidden, but the heat left my fingertips raw

I loved this boy with my whole heart. I still do. I hope he never stops dancing in the mirror before he goes to work, and I hope he still watches Jeopardy at 7 'o clock. I hope he never stops rapping the words that fill his heart; and I hope the world never tears him apart.

I loved him once, and always will. But we're not in love anymore.

& the flame burned out**
NJ2016
Nicole Joanne Jan 2015
you're so careless,
I guess I shouldn't be shocked;
I'm beginning to care less.
Nicole Joanne Mar 2015
this is the first time I've written about you
in twelve months.

(NJ2015) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Oct 2016
Are you the one he calls in the middle of the night
while he’s walking under streetlights,
being guided by the moonlight

Does he tell you that you’re the only thing on his mind,
that he wants to hold you tight
and he can’t sleep if you’re not beside

it’s 4 in the morning
and he’s standing outside your door
says, get your *** out of bed
and come sleep in his arms.


That was me, once upon a time,
he stumbled up to my door
screaming ‘i’ll always love you more’

although it didn’t seem
like a horse-carriage ride
eating pancakes in slippers
with my drunken mister

was the greatest time of my life
i wish i’d known it then,
but fairytales end.

NJ2016
Nicole Joanne Nov 2014
The perfect world exists within my head,
and it has become my own personal hell.

To be so close, yet so far away
from the only thing you want,
I can see it, I can feel it, I can hear it,
but I can't grab it.

My refuge has become the cause of my tears;
the only thing that makes me happy makes my cry,
my daydreams have become my own personal hell,
my utopia is killing me.

(NJ2014) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Aug 2014
You came to me with little baggage,
you placed your hand in mine
and your lips on my forehead;
soft, not heavy. Fragile.

The only baggage was that of your past,
and your eyes screamed with experience.
I could never find the ghosts that haunted you.
I spent months trying to read your story;
found that you were a novel of suspense and mystery.
You spoke very little but your breath smelled of alcohol,
and that's when I knew there was something unknown.
I tried to find what burdened you, tried to sink beneath your skin,
but like floorboards you creaked and were full of tight nails;
I tried, but too much force could break you apart,
I never wanted to hurt you.

I could never crack the case of you,
your windows were too fogged to see through,
and then I thought that maybe you'd left them like that purposely;
who am I to knock down your walls?
Who am I to peak into your corners?

I never did find what burdened you,
and I feared of becoming a part of whatever that was;
in some ways I hope you left with less baggage than you came with,
but sometimes I hope the scrape on the window reminds you
that someone once tried.

If you don't want me around,
please, lock your door.

(NJ2014) ©All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Nov 2016
what's wrong with wanting to be in love?
I want to fall in love -is that such a bad thing?
we've been told that one does not fall in love ever when they are looking for it; but who decides that? who says that I can't find love?

is love suddenly not going to be love anymore because I was looking for him? what if we were looking for each-other? love can not be forged -the act of love can be, but love itself, cannot.

why can't I search for love? why do I have to wait for him to find me, or pop up out of the blue? Why can't I look down the path and scream, 'Love, I am coming for you. You're what I want and I will search everywhere until I find you.' Why does love have to be some mysterious lurker? why can't I notice love as a gust of wind before he becomes the full blown tornado?

Whats wrong with looking at someone you admire and thinking, 'hey, I think maybe I could fall in love with you' and actually, truly, believing so? You can't forge a feeling -so why not look for the spark? If it's there it's there, if it's not, it won't be.

So ***** all who tell me to stop looking for love,
because when I find him I'll be able to say,
'thank god I finally found you,
I've been searching for you my whole life.'

NJ2016
Nicole Joanne Jul 2015
Don't you understand? I'm the careful girl who sets her alarm three hours early to guarantee she won't be late. I'm the girl who's scared to use boxed hair dye because there's that one percent chance of a fatal reaction. I'm the girl who gets sick every morning because anxiety tells me that I "might mess up something today." I'm the girl who reads the fine print, the terms and conditions, because one time I didn't, and I got hurt.

You're the boy who see's terms and conditions as guidelines. The boy who drinks every-night because though it's drowning your liver, it's also helping to haze your vision to the flipping pages of the calendar. The day's won't slow down, but your comprehension of it can -and you can live each-night like it's endless. It's harmful comfort has you addicted. A lazy Sunday night is a day wasted; responsibility and real life has never left you feeling as triumphant as that seventh shot of *****. You welcome chaos because it keeps your mind from straying.

Recklessness has a fault, and it's love. Your heart is a liquor bottle that was indulged and tossed to the side by girls too drunk to understand that glass breaks. And glass cuts.

I always read ingredients before I consume, but my tired eyes skimmed, and my heavy heart begged, and so I downed a glass of you. So now here I am, the careful girl, and here you are, the reckless boy, caught in one world that's both hazy and precise.

I'm trying to handle you with care. but you're screaming that there may not be a tomorrow. I've read your terms and conditions. but experience and knowledge are two separate things my naive brain hadn't yet learned at the time. There's more to words than bold letters -there's more to you than bottles and messy hair.

There's a careful girl holding a full bottle of fine wine deciding whether or not to open and down it, or place it in a cabinet to gain value. Thinking that maybe a few sips wouldn't hurt. And who knows if they did? She can't remember.

[NJ2016] All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Apr 2015
who am I to judge
the way you run away;
you find the same escape,
just in a different way.

you drink until you're lost at sea,
a broken glass on the beach,
when someone tries to pick you up,
your rigged edges scare them off;
can't show others who you are
unless you're unaware of yourself.

she cuts herself open
just to spill it all out;
tries to bandage it up;
she's so scared of herself.

who am I to judge the way you escape?
we're all drowning in waters blocked off with caution tape;
'cause the ocean floor doesn't exist
until you try to place your feet down,
and don't feel the ground.

(NJ2015) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Apr 2015
I'm not saying I don't think about you, because I do.
i check my phone every morning
to see if you were drunk enough to text me;
I'm just saying, I think more about what you might be thinking
than I do of who you are.

don't get me wrong, things have changed.
you say sweet things to me now,
without the help of a clumsy tongue
or an empty bottle... or ten,
but I still can't wrap my mind around the idea
that you enjoy the taste of my lips
as much as you enjoy the sound of another drink.

you hold me like a glass
but you've never devoured me;
it's like a preference of white over red wine;
I look clear enough for you to think I'm empty,
and I'm not bitter enough to make you feel my presence.

I just wish you would indulge in me like you do the alcohol;
why can't you see that I too hold stories worth hearing;
if I can't cloud your brain, or make you stumble,
slur your words, and make you crumble;

than maybe I'm not your glass of wine,
rather I'm the wine itself;
drink me up,
I'll be nothing but a memory in the morning.

(NJ2015) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Sep 2014
Maybe the reason she flaunts herself
is not because she's confident,
but because her hourglass figure
fits nicely in his hands.

She feels secure when his fingers
move slowly from her ribs to her hips,
like the way wine racks keep glass bottles
from smashing to the ground.

She's fragile and transparent,
but he fills her with feeling,
and for that moment,
she doesn't feel empty;
she's vivd and colourful,
supplying liveliness.

Maybe she flaunts herself because
eyes turn glassy and watery,
and at least she can influence something.

Maybe she just hopes that one day he'll hold her
as tightly as he does that glass of wine.

(NJ2014) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Sep 2014
You taught me that a poem doesn't have to be
a collection of dressy words,
or expressions of feelings,
or have to hurt.
You taught me that

feeling comfortable with a certain person,
sitting under the moonlight,
talking about simple things,
the sound of your laugh
and simply, you,

can be the greatest poem,
even if the paper is still blank.

(NJ2014) All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Oct 2014
He ran his fingers on my neck,
and ran it down my arm to my waist;
he placed his hand on my hip and pulled me close;
his chin resting on the top of my head,
my body lost in his embrace.

I placed my hand upon his arm
and rubbed with my thumb,

'I could get used to this. I could get used to you.'

I turned my head and locked my eyes with his,
tried to speak, without words, of a kiss;
he looked away.

I haven't felt his arms around me since,
nor looked into his eyes;

that day I fell completely head over heels for him,
was the day he said goodbye.

(NJ2014) All Rights Reserved.
true story, original, romance, heartbreak, goodbye
Nicole Joanne Sep 2014
More than once I've tried to push open a door that said pull,
I suppose it's not a coincidence that I have never pulled thoughts
from my head without at first trying to push them away.

Safety precautions say that most doors should open outwards
from an enclosed room, says that it's easier to escape if there were a fire
-there's a fire inside of me, but my door opens inwards
and I'm locked in the corner of the burning room I call my head.

There's a sign over a door in the building I work at,
it says 'exit' in a red light -which I found quite ironic,
if red means stop, and exit means leave, where do I go?

Most of life is spent in anticipation and haste,
anxiety and fear of mistake;
what changes have occurred that have made life a competition?
We were taught as children that 'slow and steady wins the race,'

so why am I speeding up at yellow streetlights,
and running towards red exit signs?

(NJ2014) © All Rights Reserved.
Nicole Joanne Feb 2015
you place me among other dolls in the shelf of your head,
my painted face fresher than the rest,
but I will not become dusty,
I will not be another one of your dolls.

you move my limbs because they are limp around you,
and you run your hand through my hair and pull
and you let your arms wrap around me like you're a child,
but it seems you've grown up over night and now I just sit there.

He treats me like a person,
he told me I was beautiful before the factory paint,
he's seen me in my worst state
but you hold me like a doll,
and he's scared to touch me at all

and even still, I sit on your shelf and wait.

(NJ2015) (All Rights Reserved)
Nicole Joanne Mar 2016
tears will fall from your eyes beyond your control,
you'll hate to tear away from his touch for the first time in a month,
his voice will sound like the song of a canary,
and his smell will bring you back home,

but when you don't have to clutch your heart
because you don't feel your lungs collapsing,
or your breath stopping short in your throat,
or your veins flood with anger and shake your body,
you're on the right road.

his eyes will be safe-havens you turn away from,
and you'll want to embrace and hug him
because you never know when it will be the last time,

but
when he's walking away,
and you don't feel your feet trying to follow,
or your hands trying to grasp and hold him back,

know, he's already lost you;
know, he doesn't have all of you anymore
and you're gonna be okay, kid.

NR(2015)

— The End —