u were my sin                                                      
somethi­ng i couldn't repent of
i tried to wash it off but it seems to
leave a heavy burden
i can't seem to grasp the idea of you gone

walking along the shoreline
leaving imprints on the sand
but as the waves wash it away
what was there is now gone
gone away
forever

i remember when we were at the beach
and i always dreamt of having a cliche scene

your hand in mind as we walked down the shoreline
how beautiful the sunset was

that day went by so fast

i still have sand in that one black hoodie i wear cause
it reminds me of that night

how i knew i love you with all my heart,
in that tent i took forever to put up

or how we sat in that one tiki cafe
and your arms were a shield from the wind

all i knew was that at that moment, i hoped to have
many more days like that with you

it's too late
you're just a beautiful, sad memory now

fell in love the moment i first inhaled you in
it's not just me taking you in
but you taking me to a different planet
somewhere far from this mindset
you make me feel whole
you make me feel great
i have enjoyed life more with you

you saw the deepest parts
and touched parts of me i never showed

you came into my life and i made you my everything.
when you left, everything was gone

you talked about our future
how we would put a tire swing on a tree we won't have
or how you want a son named jason

i believed it for a mere minute
i had hopes

all the love letters you would slip into my bag when i was looking
meant nothing

"i saw you crying once and i thought "who would do that to someone as beautiful as her"

you ended up doing the same
don't make promises you won't keep.

i. i'm sorry i had bloodshot eyes from all the *** i was smoking when you wanted to look in a sky full of stars

ii. i'm sorry i never became the full potential of a person you wanted to change me into

iii. i'm sorry for getting mad when you talked to other people. i was scared to lose you and look i did.

iv. i'm sorry that most of the times, the drugs were talking when you needed me the most.

v. i'm sorry that i cared too much about how your day was because you always seem to get annoyed when i wondered.

vi. i'm sorry that i did what i did. even though you told me to forget the past, you would always bring it up.

vii. i'm sorry that you thought that you had the idea of me being perfect when i'm one of the most ******-up person you'll meet.

viii. i'm sorry i still even bother to try to get you back again

ix. i'm sorry for talking about a future i knew wouldn't happen

x. i'm sorry that i'm still loving you even when you never did and you said it cause you probably felt bad !

i'm sorry that i wrote this in spite you won't even bother to care :(

hi (a)
it's me, remember?
i'm still wondering why you
left me here
in this wretched world
but that's okay
i know you are in heaven
smiling
but on earth you were in pain
so when you're happy
       so am i

it's so sad
to see someone go

i'll love you no matter how much wrongs you did

you wanted thunder but i only brought rain
you wanted the world and i was just an island
you wanted love but i only brought sadness

my head hurts with confusion
i'm stumbling over my words
trying to find the right ones to say
i'm trying not to break down and cry
but it's tumbling down on me
i wish i can tell you that i love you
but the thing is you can't even look me in the eyes

you used to mean the world to me
no, the universe
but now you're just a stranger

it was fun while it lasted* you said
it so funny how you thought it was just some game
and i was just another doll

all that time-
it ended so quickly
one day i had the whole world
and i watched it disintegrate from my own hands

i'm not lost
i'm just on a path with no destination

i'm different. i won't treat you like he did*
but the thing is you didn't treat me like he did
you hurt me worse
you told me all these things that made me fall for you
you told me you love me
but in the end you just left

new year, same tears

let me drown in your ocean and bathe me in the light of your sunshine.

the worst feeling is not feeling good enough
for someone who wants too much

you hurt the people that love you
and you love the ones that don't

there's comes a point in your life where you choose to keep and let some people go
how someone used to be so important to you but the next day you can't even give them a second glance
it's not like they did something wrong or you did
it just happens in life. sometimes you got to let them go for you to be happy

i want to see you in your deepest and darkest moments
so i can be the light to guide you

my biggest fear is not you leaving
it's the thought you just stop loving me
someday, you might wake up and see me
and you'll notice all my flaws
every imperfection and you'll realize
why do i love her?
you'll learn that you don't love me anymore and that adrenaline
is gone
soon enough, you'll be gone too

i know that you have to leave soon
that maybe all the time we spent together meant nothing
to me, it meant something
you always tell me we'll make the most of it
and the thing is i hate you for that
now everywhere i go, i will see your face in the crowded room
your smell will linger everywhere
and the thing is you won't be here anymore
my mind will always run back to one thing,
you

you were my first
first everything
it still hurts thinking that nothing won't be the same anymore
but we had our time
i still love you
even if you don't

i can make you sound so beautiful with a few words
that's what poetry can do for you
you can make the worst seem like the best of people
like how you left me but
i want to show all the good you done

feb. 1: he told me he loves me in person but i'm doubting it
i should trust and accept it but i don't know if he actually means it
truly means it

"feb 19: i fall in love with you everyday. the way you hold me makes me drown in the idea of forever. the thing is when you find someone who loves you, the universal idea of fate decides to take them away. what are the chances of actually finding someone who actually cares for you and actually wants you? every moment with you will never happen again and the thought that you won't be there makes me wanna just forget everything"

find joy in the small things
like having a good laugh
or how the wind blows in your face as you drive with the windows down
just enjoy *life

every memory of you, every replay of your lips touching mine or your face buried between my legs is immediately followed by the thought of you doing the same to her. they’re no longer my private fantasies. they’re haunted by the knowledge that she’s the one you couldn’t let go. the one you did those things to first. we did have fun, and i guess we’ll always be special to each other in a sense... but how do i sleep when i know she gets to feel the same magic touch, the same fiery lips that i crave so much? how do i not hurt at the fact that i will never feel that again? never look into your eyes or feel your skin against mine, never hold you close when you’re cold. i guess i should be grateful that you’re still there in a way. and who knows? maybe i have it all wrong. maybe she’s the one who came back and asked for another chance. maybe she groveled at your feet and begged you to come back. but it doesn’t change the fact that you did. doesn’t change that the you i want so much, the part that i crave like an addict craves his drug, is gone, is dead to me. and i don’t know what to do. those memories are ours, but i don’t know how to reclaim them. they’re fresh and oh so vivid.. but then she’s there, taking my place, pushing me out of the frame. so i’m lying in the dark, rain from the thunderstorm is crashing steadily against the window with lightning flashing every five seconds.. and i just wish you were here. i wish it wasn’t like this. i wish i didn’t feel so ******* jealous. i wish i wasn’t fighting tears and gasping for breath through the sting.. you’re the storm in the dark of my life… you crashed in and shook my foundation and changed everything: the way i thought, the way i felt, the way i lived. you showed me passion and fire.. you evoked the want and desperate need to cleanse my soul. you made me laugh, you made me feel. but you were just passing through. you were passing through…your force is decreasing.. your fire is fading. when dawn breaks you’ll be moving on, with gentle raindrops caressing my cheek, stinging my eyes before they blow through to the next life, to her. but I’ll be here, waiting for the next storm; part of me hoping it’ll be you again.

i look at him and realize how
lucky i am

we were standing outside
i remember how we were just doing our own things, trying to step onto the cracks on the sidewalk
you asked me why i was staring at you
that moment i realized i want to be with you forever

when we first talked, i immediately noticed the way you looked down when you talked. or how when a sad topic came across, you made a face that i was destined to make happy. i failed that. when we got to know each other, i realized you were the first person i could spill my life to. the first person i trusted whole heartily. i took that risk and i gave you my heart. i gave you everything i could have given you. i was lost without you and you showed me that there's hope. literal hope. you made everyday something to look forward to. i woke up happy today, i woke up looking forward to see you. i'd do anything to run my hands through your hair again or to feel you. i'd give up the world to have my world back. i'd do anything to have you again. you don't trust me. you probably think i'm stupid for thinking that i have a chance again or how stupid i am for just thinking about "us". i had so many thoughts in my head and the moment i tried letting it out, i choked. no matter what i say, i could never get you back.  we talked about that tire swing even if we didn't have a tree. we talked about a future. i don't care how long it's going to take but i hope you come back. maybe it was best for you. i couldn't talk about my feelings. you could leave me for anyone and i was afraid of losing you and i did. i never said anything cause i was scared. that my feelings would become a reality. it did. come back.  i love you and i always will.

no reason to live
*no reason to die

day two without you: i woke up with the sudden urge to see you. then i remembered what had happened. an empty feeling started to arise in me. you will probably never be mine again and my mind can't comprehend you not coming back this time.

day three without you:
you aren't the same person i fell in love with.
there's so much petty and hatred in your eyes
you walked away without letting me know the truth.
i miss you

day four without you:
****, you already found someone new
soon enough, you'll be doing the same things to her
she's gonna be the one you're going to be telling everything to
the same things you told me.
*******, why can't i move on?
i'm lost and empty
you're just forgetting me

is it that easy to forget someone like that
to forget everything that happened
how was it so easy for you to walk away
after everything you said
it's literally tearing me apart at this moment
as i write my heart out on this blank template
how did you do it
how did you manage to switch up on me so quickly
why did you believe what everyone else was saying
i can do nothing now but get high or drunk all the time to forget about you
soon, you're gonna get her and she is gonna take my place
the thought of you doing that burns a hole in my mind
i greatly like how you even told me you loved me
but yet again we don't do that to people we love
maybe you don't even know what love is.
while i'm supposed to focus on myself, i think of the things you're doing every second.
things always end up like this for me.
they come and when they leave, they bring everything with them
i'm so lost
i can't even think straight anymore.

i always had what if's &
you said don't think about them
they all became true :/

I bend over backwards to try and make you feel better every single time you’re hurting and drop everything when I see your name light up my phone. I write you pages of advise and positive words, whatever you need, just to help.. to make you feel better.. and all you bother to respond with is a single ******* word.
I’m seduced by the thought that one day it will help, that one day I will “fix” you. Because maybe then.. just maybe.. you’ll be able to love me back… and it will all be worth it.
But I’m done. I am so ******* done waiting for that day. This has already gone on for way too long. You are driving me insane and you don’t even care. You give me nothing, I mean NOTHING, and I give you EVERYTHING. It’s not healthy, it’s not a relationship, hell it’s probably not even friendship. But still I do it. Still I give all of myself to you.. and every single time I hurt myself by ignoring your obvious ungratefulness.
So this is it. I’m leaving “whatever this is”. I’m leaving you. And I know it’s gonna be hard, because you’ll only be a text away.. but I have to do this. I have to stop hanging on to you and give myself a chance to find someone who will give me what I need. A person who will be just as crazy about me as I’m about them and will support me just as much as I support them. I need someone who appreciates me for me, and we both know that person isn’t you.

how funny is it that i depend on a plant to forget about you?

i'd give up the world to have my world back.

day 5 without you:
****.
you aren't even the same person that i knew

i didn't mean to but i locked eyes with you today and honestly  thought i was okay but it all flooded back in.