i failed my exam
and cried all day

i don’t know who



     i called out her name

she took my hand
said we both felt the same

i love you with all i am

just let me catch my breath
it’s been 22 years and i haven’t been able to keep down a morning breakfast yet
it’s been so long,
i now address you as my friend but please anxiety, stop following me to bed
a lullaby of all our mistakes
the morning birds scream in my face
can i just have one day to myself?
free of anxiety and everything else

light as a feather
i’m in your sweater
feeling under the weather
i wish i was better
but love can’t be measured
and the rest is forever

rain rain
stay with me
you bring joy
and all great things
if you go
i’ll be sad
and wonder why i feel this bad

a candid smile
what was going through my head?
hadn't drank in a while,
my face hot and red
that in-between state of normal
with a little bit of regret
didn't act very formal
kept thinking things i will never forget

i break my own heart
texting you back
i know you don’t want me
but look where i’m at
baby i’m so lonely
and besides
you always reply back

her eyes were never the color of my coffee that started my day
they were never the shade of honey when the light found them
never that rushing color of falling leaves in the middle of autumn that made you hope for something special
they were never all the things i found in them, comparing each fleck of color to something beautiful
after all, they were just brown

i close my eyes and drift off to sleep
hoping this is the one place
i have to myself
where i feel safe and
free to love just so.
i can still dream of you so vividly...

we’re at that one place
there you are
me, barely peeking over the top of your head, i can smell the honey shampoo you use as the wind blows
wisps of hair you try and
keep out of your face but
never manage to
the sun shines down to make your eyes appear with all the shades of brown i never knew before you
your freckles, scattered across your face
like the artist who created
you placed each one
with the most precise
stroke of their brush..

each dream i never fail
to see you so vividly
time and time again
a different setting
a different twist
a different story may occur but it’s always the same you
something i can never escape
the ending never changes
i’m left with the same feeling of
never being loved by you

the black ink smeared by tear drops on my paper reminds me of the sky the day your parents told me i was the reason they cried in the shower at night

when August came….
you expected gentle freckles
and sweet lemonade,
the morning solstice
and warm summer days

but August came,
and August went,
she brought you pain
and a heart to mend

fireworks,
that's how you explained it
when we kissed
such beautiful sparks
set us free

every year
july 4th
your family
celebrated our freedom
with fireworks too

you told me
they asked which color
you wanted to be the
finale
this time you chose
blue

you told me
it was like the
blue in my eyes
that you couldn't get enough of

now
there's no longer
us
just the
boom
of the
fireworks
and the breaking
of my
heart

i should've known
he had
blue eyes
too

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord, my thoughts to keep
my anxious mind
runs through the night
i don’t know if i
can stay this time

i stand alone
within an open field
surrounded, no civilization in sight
the grass rises to my kneees, all in unison
moving with the wind, leaning in perfect synchronization
the sky is lightly covered
with a warm blend of orange and blue
the wind is steady, keeping my hair aloft
the scene is permanently stained into my
broken mind
i look around, the familiar
scene
the semi-sweet sent, the cool breeze
Your image pushed itself into my mind
broken mind
i know that even through the distance,
You
are in the same field
thinking the same, different, thing
my stomach flashes the familiar flash
the shot of grief
a puzzle completed, yet i cannot find
my last piece
my last piece is with
You
i miss you

i look for myself in people constantly
i direct my image outside and wonder why i keep leaving places empty handed
i am enough
so why do my lips ache to say your name
how do my hands fit so perfectly around your waist but when i come home and lay in bed alone i’m left with nothing but moments
i’m exhausting my love in places that cannot be accepted so when i look in the mirror i see nothing but a person searching for someone to hold

you’re my 6am
and evening thoughts
no matter my plans
it’s you i want
so let’s slip away
behind closed doors
say my name
and i’ll be yours

you’re the reason i eat burnt toast in the morning
drink cold coffee
and forget to tie my shoes

you’ve caught my eye
and have my ear
i’m willing to listen
whenever you’re near
i hope we have a chance
for our lips to meet
you make my cheeks red
and heart skip a beat

“it’s amazing what you can do”

she talks as if i have magical powers,

so why won’t she let me save her?

be my beauty and i can tame your beast

i have enough love for
the both of us

my insecurities pile up
making up most of my thoughts throughout the day
it’s hard to draw the line between real and fake
always wanting to run from what’s real
and make my own fantasy
except the only place i know anymore
is your arms

i would always tell you that you taught me so much
and that was the truth
except i think you thought it meant something different
you taught me to love myself, because i could never expect that from you
you taught me i was the only person there for myself, because you never were
you taught me how to be patient
because you always had a short temper
you taught me how to be happy because you never gave that to me
you taught me to treat others with only love
because i knew how much it hurt that you didn’t love me

i want it to mean something,
i feel a lot of pressure.
those were the words
that left your mouth
when all i wanted
was to show
you
how i felt about
you
with my lips,
no words

it bothers me how
it's as if someone kissed
you before
and it didn't mean something

how could someone come so close to a piece of heaven,
fall on their knees,
and not call it worship?

it’s a different kind of sad
not a sad i miss you
not a sad where i can’t let you go
it’s a different kind of sad
a sad like what if everyone i meet gets bored of me
a sad that makes you wonder if you’re too hard to love
a sad where you gave too much and you wonder if you’ll ever get that back
a sad where no one understands
a sad that leaves you asking why
a sad where you never feel yourself in your own home
a sad where you don’t have a home
a sad that you keep getting lost in
and wonder through alone

sometimes,
i write for myself
sometimes,
i write for people
all the time,
it's about
you

bedridden by the thought of you,
i’m forced to sleep and fall into dreams of
what i wish could happen between us,
but for now i’ll write you poetry
steal your hand for a drunken dance
and walk you home,
asking for
nothing more

i was so excited
to start something new
then you took my heart
and turned it back to blue

the words
i love you
don't sit well on my tongue
are they mine to say anyway
why doesn't it feel
the same as loving her
you're better
much better
i think i was stuck on the
chase
chase
chase
i was never good at running anyway
so maybe the i love you's
are meant to stay
and be okay
i think i love you
anyway

my heart aches for her

just as my teeth do every night

i click in my retainer

of course, i can’t
even keep my teeth
 straight

i think about her and

wish what we had was
special

then i take out my retainer

because i remember the gap

between her teeth

is something
special

you were not the first girl i’ve ever loved, or the last one
that thought brings back color to my eyes
let’s keep it this way my love
you staying there
and me over here
not talking, not looking, so maybe this time i can forget the way your laughs sounds, the way your lips curl in when you’re trying to focus, the way you hurt me
it’s in the past now
it’s time to forget

i'm sorry kid but you'll always have those simmering coals that remind you of her deep down in your heart

"do you ever get lonely?"
yeah...
do you?
"yeah..."
...i'll always be here yanno
"yeah, but you're not a boy"



she told me that over a year ago
it still keeps me up at night

when will i figure out that me and you can never be together.
i’m a scorpio and you’re an aries anyway.
our love was something you could never measure.
but i’ll still play our song and pretend to dance and steal your heart away.

she made everything i felt held something special just seem as a second hand emotion, passed down and lost its meaning
i wanted to find beauty in everything, even the broken, while she just wanted a spring cleaning
so i opened the windows, breathed in the new seasonal air and made her leave

every time i see you i have to start over
stop
reset
then press play
people say you’re a glitch in my system
corrupted my mind and wasted my time so i try and go back to the way things were before me and you
but i don’t know any other way
i’m sad
and want you back
so instead i press replay

i remember my last heartbreak
it’s hard to forget
it made my body ache
though it was all in my head
now here i am again
my heart feeling the same
i can feel myself caving in
trying to stay sane
i question if it gets easier
not feeling this way
it hits me like a meteor
will it ever go away?

as i search for some hope

my place in the school library

she speaks

“are you looking for anything in particular?”

i wish i could answer truthfully

two reasons

in reality she was my answer

but she doesn’t know

her brown eyes give me hope