you’re my 6am
and evening thoughts
no matter my plans
it’s you i want
so let’s slip away
behind closed doors
say my name
and i’ll be yours

i don’t know how to write anymore
no words
come to my head other than i miss you
it’s all been said before
poems have been written
songs have been played
no wishes can be granted for this broken heart to go away
all i ask is for this baggage to be lifted off my shoulders
no one taught me how to let go
i cling to our memories like my life depends on it
i don’t know how to be me without you because i thought it would always be us in the end
but you left me crying in my room that one october stripped of my self worth
now every time i think
i’m getting better
i look in the mirror and see those blue eyes you said you loved and can’t help but think that’s the last thing you saw before you decided to leave me

i learn ways to enjoy life without you
i’ve stopped putting creamer in my coffee
the dark brew reminds me of your eyes
i run every morning
my shortness of breath
reminds me of your name
i spend more time reading
our love had me at a loss for words
you taught me to appreciate life more
because some things cannot stay
i’m starting to pick up new habits, but you’re still stuck in my old ways

i was so excited
to start something new
then you took my heart
and turned it back to blue

you were not the first girl i’ve ever loved, or the last one
that thought brings back color to my eyes
let’s keep it this way my love
you staying there
and me over here
not talking, not looking, so maybe this time i can forget the way your laughs sounds, the way your lips curl in when you’re trying to focus, the way you hurt me
it’s in the past now
it’s time to forget

you’ve caught my eye
and have my ear
i’m willing to listen
whenever you’re near
i hope we have a chance
for our lips to meet
you make my cheeks red
and heart skip a beat

when August came….
you expected gentle freckles
and sweet lemonade,
the morning solstice
and warm summer days

but August came,
and August went,
she brought you pain
and a heart to mend

just let me catch my breath
it’s been 22 years and i haven’t been able to keep down a morning breakfast yet
it’s been so long,
i now address you as my friend but please anxiety, stop following me to bed
a lullaby of all our mistakes
the morning birds scream in my face
can i just have one day to myself?
free of anxiety and everything else

you’re the reason i eat burnt toast in the morning
drink cold coffee
and forget to tie my shoes

when will i figure out that me and you can never be together.
i’m a scorpio and you’re an aries anyway.
our love was something you could never measure.
but i’ll still play our song and pretend to dance and steal your heart away.

"do you ever get lonely?"
yeah...
do you?
"yeah..."
...i'll always be here yanno
"yeah, but you're not a boy"



she told me that over a year ago
it still keeps me up at night

the words
i love you
don't sit well on my tongue
are they mine to say anyway
why doesn't it feel
the same as loving her
you're better
much better
i think i was stuck on the
chase
chase
chase
i was never good at running anyway
so maybe the i love you's
are meant to stay
and be okay
i think i love you
anyway

blue as the ocean
from the inside out
it’s hurts so bad
to try and love myself
i’ve gotten used to being sad
with tear filled eyes
i’m starting to appreciate
how it turns them to a
gentle shade of blue

a candid smile
what was going through my head?
hadn't drank in a while,
my face hot and red
that in-between state of normal
with a little bit of regret
didn't act very formal
kept thinking things i will never forget

it’s a different kind of sad
not a sad i miss you
not a sad where i can’t let you go
it’s a different kind of sad
a sad like what if everyone i meet gets bored of me
a sad that makes you wonder if you’re too hard to love
a sad where you gave too much and you wonder if you’ll ever get that back
a sad where no one understands
a sad that leaves you asking why
a sad where you never feel yourself in your own home
a sad where you don’t have a home
a sad that you keep getting lost in
and wonder through alone

i'm sorry kid but you'll always have those simmering coals that remind you of her deep down in your heart

how embarrassing it is to have feelings
i don’t want them anymore
take them away
leave me beside
there’s no room left
in my jumbled up life
so take my thoughts,
my feelings,
my pride,
and leave me alone
with you in my mind

i remember my last heartbreak
it’s hard to forget
it made my body ache
though it was all in my head
now here i am again
my heart feeling the same
i can feel myself caving in
trying to stay sane
i question if it gets easier
not feeling this way
it hits me like a meteor
will it ever go away?

fireworks,
that's how you explained it
when we kissed
such beautiful sparks
set us free

every year
july 4th
your family
celebrated our freedom
with fireworks too

you told me
they asked which color
you wanted to be the
finale
this time you chose
blue

you told me
it was like the
blue in my eyes
that you couldn't get enough of

now
there's no longer
us
just the
boom
of the
fireworks
and the breaking
of my
heart

i should've known
he had
blue eyes
too

reckless behavior
that’s what it is
there’s no way to save her
there’s no way to win
she does what she wants
no care in the world
she’s never loved once
she takes, like a *****
she’ll drop you so fast
no need to commit
don’t ever look back
she’s just a ******* hypocrite

let’s go back to the night we were torn from each other
let’s follow the signs the universe showed us to avoid such depressing events
i think back to that time and know how our love could have survived if we weren’t so young and reckless
as i mature and grow, i’ve learned it wasn’t our fault
our love was pure but the world could never accept us, and sometimes still won’t
so when i dream of you and i, do you see me in yours too?
i still have my dreamcatcher we shared
and it’s always latching on to you…

the drop of my stomach
the ache in my heart
unexpected words leave me feeling worlds apart
i ask myself questions i can’t bare to know the answer
i ponder my worth, comparing our genders
i ******* hate rhyming, because it sounds too simple
when i’m trying to express the dark thoughts of my mental

“it’s amazing what you can do”

she talks as if i have magical powers,

so why won’t she let me save her?

be my beauty and i can tame your beast

i have enough love for
the both of us

i failed my exam
and cried all day

i don’t know who



     i called out her name

she took my hand
said we both felt the same

i love you with all i am

her eyes were never the color of my coffee that started my day
they were never the shade of honey when the light found them
never that rushing color of falling leaves in the middle of autumn that made you hope for something special
they were never all the things i found in them, comparing each fleck of color to something beautiful
after all, they were just brown

the black ink smeared by tear drops on my paper reminds me of the sky the day your parents told me i was the reason they cried in the shower at night

i break my own heart
texting you back
i know you don’t want me
but look where i’m at
baby i’m so lonely
and besides
you always reply back

every time i see you i have to start over
stop
reset
then press play
people say you’re a glitch in my system
corrupted my mind and wasted my time so i try and go back to the way things were before me and you
but i don’t know any other way
i’m sad
and want you back
so instead i press replay

my heart aches for her

just as my teeth do every night

i click in my retainer

of course, i can’t
even keep my teeth
 straight

i think about her and

wish what we had was
special

then i take out my retainer

because i remember the gap

between her teeth

is something
special

as i search for some hope

my place in the school library

she speaks

“are you looking for anything in particular?”

i wish i could answer truthfully

two reasons

in reality she was my answer

but she doesn’t know

her brown eyes give me hope

sometimes,
i write for myself
sometimes,
i write for people
all the time,
it's about
you

i would always tell you that you taught me so much
and that was the truth
except i think you thought it meant something different
you taught me to love myself, because i could never expect that from you
you taught me i was the only person there for myself, because you never were
you taught me how to be patient
because you always had a short temper
you taught me how to be happy because you never gave that to me
you taught me to treat others with only love
because i knew how much it hurt that you didn’t love me

i stand alone
within an open field
surrounded, no civilization in sight
the grass rises to my kneees, all in unison
moving with the wind, leaning in perfect synchronization
the sky is lightly covered
with a warm blend of orange and blue
the wind is steady, keeping my hair aloft
the scene is permanently stained into my
broken mind
i look around, the familiar
scene
the semi-sweet sent, the cool breeze
Your image pushed itself into my mind
broken mind
i know that even through the distance,
You
are in the same field
thinking the same, different, thing
my stomach flashes the familiar flash
the shot of grief
a puzzle completed, yet i cannot find
my last piece
my last piece is with
You
i miss you