I am a once in a lifetime opportunity
And so are you
Despite the odds
I'm glad we didn't miss each other

The glimpses of a life
I catch between broken windows in this house
Are not enough to keep me happy
Not enough to wipe the cobwebs from the corners of the rooms
Not enough to fix the rotting floors and ceilings
It's not enough to want to stay
But it is enough
To keep me here
In this drafty old broken house
My consciousness has turned into
Aware but stuck
Seeing but longing
To feel

Forced me into this
Over how I look
Open up my stomach and hate what you find
Don't tell me you can fix it because no one can

I hope if this goes anywhere
it goes in the direction of change
that at the end of whatever we do
or wherever we go
I hope we are different than when we started
hope we are different people than who we have been made to be up until now
I hope we get to choose  
who we become
and can help each other choose
you might not be a daisy at the end of this my dear but you’ll always smell like them
to me

I have this vintage dress
it's green
Silk
Gorgeous
every six months I try it on
every six months it doesn't fit
this time
it fit my waist
but I couldn't fit my arms into it
I tried so hard I ripped it
You must be thinking
Just buy a new dress
But to buy a new dress is to admit I am me
Not the skinny thing I long to be
To buy a new dress
Is admitting they were right
That he was right
That I am just going to be fat and alone forever
so now my focus
is on making my arms slim
arm fat exercises
googled and practiced
I'm going to fit into that dress
even if it kills me
you can bury me in it
I'll be the thinnest prettiest corpse you've ever seen

Shoes go click-click down the hall
hemmed last week
hair pulled back
lips painted
Skin caked
smile
terrified
feet will hurt
throat will burn
smile for the sake of conformity.  
in the same black dress
in tuxedos
Pretending that we are all not terrified
Pretending we are grown
the perfect kids they want us to be

terrified of fitting in so snug I can't move
making myself fit in now
when I want to leave I’m stuck
suffocated by the actions of past me
so desperate to fit I refused to think of leaving

you write to me
about our kids and the hill we live on
you write to me
about the "honey, I'm home"s and soft loaves of homemade bread
about making soup as a family
about working from home living on the land
about swatting hands away from dinner until its ready
about eating outside in the light summer evening
picnic baskets soft glances as you do
homemade jam and uncut meadow filled lawns
and even though we haven't talked in weeks
I see it so clearly that I'm overwhelmed
tears of craving that
of wanting that
of wanting you  
I had forgotten how quickly I bend for you
gentle words about a tender life
I'm bending
so far, for you  

but you leave
long gone
too far to whisper your soft words
I will shatter
like I always do
break in half
even in two
id choose that
id choose life with you
Isn't that terrifying