You fling me
Deep
Into the rose-tinted meadow
That my head-space around you has become
You propel me
Down hillside covered in warm poems
I find myself
Lost
In honey
In daisy fields that make me want to sink
Sink into the ground
Sink into your light glances and heavy thoughts
I wonder much too often
What it would be like to stay lost in you
Forever

I told them
About the hungry and the barren
being I had become
about the not eating
the crying
the ice coffees
the empty calories I had become

The silence in the room was
Screeching
at me
I didn't know what they would respond with
But worse than anything I considered was
The silence
the calm
they responded with
The noise of my sobs
Too loud in this small sunny, peaceful room
I've now ruined

These are the seeds of self-hate
That grew into delusion
The roots of loathing the lack of control
Hating food
was the start
Of hating myself
I ripped down that tree
with my bare hands
tearing and scraping until it was gone
But the seeds
Are still there
And I've unconsciously
Plated them
by talking to you

My limbs long to stay connected to yours
I think in a different time I could love you
I believe our souls could have loved each other
In another time
If our human bodies and their lives matched
I long for that version of reality
I wish that we were joined like I knew we could be
I long for that version of us
Where our plans line up.
Where we are in the same place in our lives
In that version
I'm already hopelessly in love with you,
It's so close I can feel it,
But sorrowfully, the human agenda doesn't listen to souls.
I wish I could float with you,
Forever.

you no longer live here
you haven’t been to my house
we have a hard time talking
these are the arguments
one faction of my mind
makes to me
the side of me that makes sense
but the other side can only think
about your smile
your voice
the way you look at me
and I shove down those (facts) feelings
until your smile
and your voice
and the way you look at me
is the only way I ever want anyone
to smile or speak or look at me
it’s terrifying how easily I can push the reasoning away
for (you) us

Smoke in my lungs  
In my hands
in my eyes
Maybe it’s bad
but it makes the voices a little quieter.
It aches to laugh now
Emotionally
Physically
My lungs are giving out
Without you

A charming light chain that is almost not there
with a pendant telling me who to be
It feels like it weighs 1000 tons
Exceedingly heavy
When it's supposed to be thin
I hate it as I hate myself
Sweating encased in tulle
Shoes so high I feel pulled down
I feel like screaming

It's all too heavy
It's not me
My body is too big for this
How dare I think I am dainty
So delicate I could shatter it without blinking
But it adds another 1000 tons
To my already too much body mass

one day they'll lower my large body down
into a church-sanctioned grave
and ill feel like screaming
then too