she's asking everyone in my house for their horoscope,
my brother's reading into it,
"it's so accurate," he said
and for some reason I feel so detached
from everything
from my own cells, even-
dragging my fingers across surfaces pretending like it was meant to be
but by the end of the year,
my fingerprints will be wiped clean
and
every time i leave a place,
i feel like they didn't want me there, anyway
including your door frame
you never wanted me there, anyway

insecure
unsure whether you like me fitting into your side when we walk next to each other
or if you're just comfortable, so why bother changing it

either way, i'm enjoying my time a lot, leaning into your shoulder

i'd rather look at him
than look really anywhere

and when i look anywhere else
it's cool to be holding his hand

sometimes the light hits my world so perfectly, and i always have picture perfect moments of sun beams on his smile
he'll remember me squinting (trying to see past the glare)

**** this ******* site
and ****
me
(**** me)
((**** me))
I'm still so ******* stuck on you (i really don't mind)
Idk what you've been meaning lately, but I've been believing you
I believe you more than i believe the telephone cord that i swallowed when I was thirteen,
merely minutes of conversations because all I ever called to say was
"meet me under the bridge"
and my best friend and I would go light candles and listen to people walk above us and then we'd ride our bikes to the other end of town, just enough time to ride back before it turned pitch black,
we stopped riding bikes when we got our licenses, we stopped going under the bridge when she met a boy and instead lit candles with him

when i was 13 i swallowed the cord and it's wrapped around my throat
when i was 16 i swallowed a rope because i'm pretty sure my friend hanged himself but I never was allowed to ******* KNOW
when i was 17 i swallowed sewage
that day i scratched my arm open and walked home in the middle of a panic attack,
i should have invited you,
you told me you would have gone with me
i appreciate you more than anything else, i think

i just took a lot of cold medicine (a lot of cold medicine) and i think i love (love) you and i know you do not want to hear that now and i am sorry (i am sorry (i am sorry)) but i do not know what to do, i am losing faith in everything (everything) and now you are losing faith in me, too (you are losing faith in me, too)

ayy boi,
love's gonna hurt, they say
but this is worth every ******* ******* ache
whether we've got another year or just a little while,
today you are my favorite and most important reason to smile

**** it
Wish my walls would stop creaking and i would stop dreaming of sleeping somewhere else (I am in too deep for a boy who doesn't like me as much)
And tonight I daydreamed of peeling off each layer of my flesh and pinning it to my cork board so I'd finally hang up something original (lol it's probably already been done)
I am going to go to sleep in hopes that time will either stand still for a bit-so I can forget my stupid dramatic selfish thoughts, or fast forward-so all of this can be done with.