if i had to list my three favorite movies,
today i might say: Across the Universe, Donnie Darko, and The ****** Suicides
(basic *****)
mainly for the aesthetics
the way the camera or lighting makes the scene
and i have colors stuck in my head from my own life images,
mostly pale blues
all in your room
(the comforter, the hue of the tv screen, your eyes)
it's all about angles, and i get the perfect view while perched on your chest
wish all the colors and lighting from the scenes in my head reflected more in my actions, you'd never get bored of me then.

losing sleep and brain cells,
i don't know what it is...
but i am so happy to have the privilege of getting to revolve my daydreams around you

i keep meaning to take more pictures.
and to quit turning my head away whenever my mood shifts (sorry)
i'm going to be better with words, i promise
but some moments, especially on boring days, i get to spend hours just playing with your hair and looking in your eyes and i know i don't need to say anything,
you already know what i'd say.
this is a good place to be, i think. holding your hand.

third degree harvesting and dreaming of things that will never happen
stuck in skin-tight suffocating thighs
closing with sighs, opening up for this guy
..life is redundant,
but it doesn't have to be

most days i try cracking every bone and my neck only ever whispers and each finger wraps around it, wondering what goes through someone's mind when they push their fingers down their throat
(i could guess)
bored and uninspired
goodbyes are hard to get right,
at least pretend you like to kiss me goodnight
and **** it, maybe i should eat more so my body image starts to match my perception
or something like that
i don't care
I need the sun or the beams that come from your eyes when you're really in love, or at least pretend to be

sorry i'm still sometimes insecure,
i'm not asking for any reassurance

every time my eyes close, i am in a dream
sometimes i feel needles
sometimes your eyelashes brushing against my cheek

sorry i'm not pretty enough to be delicate
(sometimes my hands shake but i still don't look fragile)
i'd rather look like nails and a hammer anyway

do you ever panic about how average you are
how predictable it all is
how plain
he's probably bored already,
bored that you're even insecure about this,
cliche & boo-*******-hoo, he could be bouncing around with bigger ***** but instead he lets your pathetic lumps slightly jiggle as you ride him and occasionally make eye contact
and you call it love,
(you know it is)
but how could he love someone so boring.
maybe if you took matches to your tongue, there'd be more spice in bed if he kissed ashes
but it's been done
maybe if you shoved a gun down your throat,
he could watch you gag on it, let him imagine it as his own ****,
you'll pull the trigger just in time to give him blue *****,
you swear you've seen this already in a movie or something
maybe if you show up with hands shaking,
you say you want to run constantly, you want your whole life to be running away, but you have nothing to run from and no where to go and all you've been dreaming of is running next to him -
it's romantic, they say
it's suicide
it's a ******* trigger warning
and it's all so painfully average and unoriginal
i could cringe