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Auden Mckenzie Feb 2018
He keeps company with the stars.  
They shine brighter for him.
Constellations dance in the dark.
Orion, to protect him.

His laughter makes the moon smile.
His smile brings back the sun.
The stars fall into his eyes,
Causing the trees to succumb.

With every breath he takes,
A sweet breeze caresses his cheek.
The leaves sing with the wind.
Their soft melody lulls him to sleep.

In the morning when he wakes,
When the sun rises in the east,
He'll feel the warmth upon his face,
In his soul he'll feel complete.
Auden Mckenzie Feb 2018
I found a skirt at the thrift store.
Beautiful and vintage and too small.
So I bought it.
I’m thinking, “My new inspiration skirt. My motivation skirt. My I wish I could fit into this skirt.”
Everyone does this. Right?
Am I the only one who doesn’t have anything to wear because my closet is full of clothes that I wish would fit me?
I think, “How hard it is really to lose 15 pounds?”
You know.. “The right way”.
The way that doesn’t leave your stomach gnawing away in protest. The way that doesn’t make your head hurt and your hair fall out.
It can’t be that hard.
Old me used to run on an empty stomach and wonder why she’s out of breath.
Old me sometimes hides behind a mirror and she scares me half to death.
She couldn’t eat without the numbers.
Her thoughts sorting good food and bad food.
I always want bad food.
Sometimes she’d let me eat bad food, but never without filling my head full of why I shouldn’t.
She’d watch videos of low-cal, low-fat, no flavor, gluten free, vegan brownies, and then she’d pop in another piece of gum and go to bed hungry.
Old me would hate me right now.
I hate old me always.
Old me thought for some reason the longer she could go without eating was equal to how strong she was.
Skipping meals became a test in self control and I've always been a bit of an over achiever.
Old me became half of who she was before.
She had those pesky pills stashed away in my dresser drawer.
This skirt would fit old me.
Old me would relish in the feeling of her emptiness.
She’d twirl in my skirt and wait for the low grumble of hunger to say hello again.  
But I’m not her.
She left when I woke up one morning and decided I didn’t want to punish myself anymore.
But sometimes part of her lingers.
She visits only on my bad days, when my jeans feel too tight or my dress doesn’t fit like it used to.
She likes to remind me that I was happy when I was starving,
And it takes all of me to ask her to leave.
I don’t know why I bought this skirt.
Sometimes I can’t help it.
Old habits die hard and I still step on a scale almost everyday.
So I pray for strength because she’s my biggest weakness.  
To wake up and feel okay and not hate myself for who I used to be but learn to love this body god so graciously gave to me.
To be thankful, because it took starving myself to realize that I am full of so much more.
I think this kind of speaks for itself. Hope this doesn’t trigger anything for anyone. It was hard to write and it took a really long time to get these thoughts out.
Auden Mckenzie Jan 2018
They say to wait, because everyone's concerned about the way,
She doesn't think she's good enough to make them all stay,
She says everyone that everyone leaves one day.

She gets attached, far too easily. She's latched, onto this idea that, she's somehow falling back, into her past, bad habits.
She chased her white rabbit.

He led her to her downward spiral.
Only when she was empty did she feel whole,
Like she's finally in control.
Her madness became her,
Defined her.

She counts the seconds, the hours, the days.
She came up with million of ways,
To fight against the rage,
To quiet her monster,
To tame her mind.
While all the time,
Feeding it lies.
That everyone will leave her,
That she's not worth a goodbye.

She looks in her eyes,
Her reflection cries,
But her reflection isn't what she sees.
Just a stranger full of deceit.  
She feels incomplete,
Like something is missing.
She's losing the feeling.

Lost in a rabbit hole.
She knows she must go.
Follow the broken road until it leads her home,
Until she sees the truth.
That everyone already knows,
That she's in fact beautiful,
That she's worth so much more.
I met a girl once who went to rehab for an eating disorder. This was for her.
Auden Mckenzie Apr 2016
I love the way he says good morning.
The corners of his lips curl into a smile,
And for a split second I think he's happy to see me.

Like I'm the reason why the morning is good,
And I can't help but grin uncontrollably.
His contagious demeanor is infectious.

I love the way asks about how my day was.
He gives me his entire attention.
Like he genuinely wants to know about me.
I'd tell him anything he wants to know if he would ask.

I've never wanted to tell someone everything before,
Or wanted to know everything about someone.
He's somehow managed to slide into my curiosity,
And I've never been so delighted to learn new things.

I can't help but take notice of all his odd quirks.
Like the way he seems to linger when he talks to me at work.
And how he'll only talk to me when it's just me and him.
I look forward to those moments, hoping they don't end.

I don't know what I would do, if he suddenly wasn't there.
But I'm too afraid to tell him in case he doesn't care.
I can't figure out what goes on behind those eyes.
I hope by some slight chance, that he feels the same as I.
Auden Mckenzie Apr 2016
Sometimes I wonder what people see when they see me.
What thought comes to their mind,
When I don't see them walk behind me and a flash of terror washes over my face.
Do they think it's cute?
How I get scared so easy.
When lights flicker and I scream.
When a spider comes and I scream.
When I scream.
It's not the dark that scares me,
But sudden darkness.
It's light then, nothing.
Without warning.
Catch me off my guard with its eerie haunting.

I wonder what they think of me when they see me read a book.
How I get so emotionally involved that I feel everything.
That when someone dies I feel like I personally lost them.
The tears come uncontrollably and I can't stop.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I feel too much.
When I read a book I gasp.
Out loud.
And I laugh too much.
Do my random giggles make them curious?

I wonder what they think of my smile.
Do I smile too much?
How my face lights up and I can't smother it.
Do they wonder why?
How smiling is still so new to me that sometimes I over do it.
That I used to never smile.
That my smile is a reminder that I've overcome so much.
Would they believe it?

What do they think of my bubbly persona?
Is it too much?
Am I too optimistic?
Is it all just sarcasm?
Sometimes even I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic or not.
How my optimism is my first defense.
My joking manner keeps them from getting too close.
The moment I become reclusive,
What are they thinking,
When they ask if I'm okay?
As if I can only be my bubbly persona.

I wonder what they think when I tell them I usually stay at home.
I don't go out much.
How certain places trigger my anxiety and I'm not sure when it's going to hit.
How going out would require driving and that's a fear I'm still trying to face.
How I'm twenty one and am afraid of my car.
What would they think?
They drive without the fear that make my hands shake,
So I keep it a secret.
I try to keep everything a secret.
Because, they can't form an opinion about something they are oblivious to.
Auden Mckenzie Apr 2016
Why do they keep talking when they mention my grandmother and I suddenly become small?
Do they think after six years id be able to move on?
They don't know how much it truly affected me.
The depression I fell into.
The funeral I couldn't bare to watch.

How quickly things fall apart when the glue is taken away.
When you see the strongest woman cry for the first time,
Because she knows she's dying.
When you receive a check so many years later that your grandfather found.
How she remembered it was your birthday just a month before it'd be her last one.  

Can they see my chest tightening as it gets a bit harder to breath?
Can they see the hair fall that I cut off?
My attempt at a new beginning.
Can they see the bitterness I'm still working though?
How she had died earlier that day and no one had told me?
How I was excited to see her when she wasn't even apart of this world anymore?

They don't know that I never cried in front of anyone.
That I sat down in the shower and,
I let the water hide my pain.
Desperate sobs for the woman I still believe is the most amazing woman I've ever known.
How someone can touch so many lives with her kindness and spirit.
How painful it was to watch the cancer make her weak.

When I saw her gray hair for first time,
Because she stopped dying it.
When her cheeks suddenly became chubby from all of the chemo treatments.
When her curls fell out and she covered her scalp with a knitted hat.
That thanksgiving that she wanted to make special.
Her last thanksgiving.
How everything that happened that year was her last and we all knew it.
How she knew it.

How terrifying it was to see her in that bed.
Hospitals still make me nervous.
The moment I was left alone and I didn't know what to say.
How I never got to say goodbye.
How the machine beeped and I had to find a nurse.
How terrified fifteen year old me was.
How she could be gone at any moment.

I still haven't got over that she will never see my wedding one day and my future children.
She'll never meet my boyfriends and they will never get to taste her blackberry pie.
How I can't even remember what it tastes like.
How they lost their home when she got sick.
The house that helped raise me.
The old church across the street and our business down the hill.
How we lost our business.
How we all lost everything.
How we lost her.
Auden Mckenzie Apr 2016
I wander alone through the winding alleys of this beautiful city. 
Intentionally loosing myself with every turn. 
Claustrophobia vanishes as empty squares open under starry skies. 
The loneliness taking over as the city goes to rest. 

Dim light interrupts the shadows as I pass over,
To another bridge that leads to another alley. 
Becoming more aware of the steps that echo around me. 
To be alone but not alone and afraid that I'm not afraid.
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