4/4/16

1. True/False: You’re okay
True. There’s nothing you can’t get through.

False. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been okay, you can’t remember the last time you’ve smiled without comparing it to your tears. You’ve been snapping rubber bands against your arms for too long, trying to feel something, trying to pretend the sting was “okay.” Nothing’s been okay for a long time.

True. Only because admitting otherwise would be a failure, right?

False. No, you’re not. Is anyone?

All of the above

2. Does your past scares you?

It doesn’t scare you. You were there. You were present for every wrong path you’ve ever walked down, and you can’t fear something you know you’ve gotten through before. It weighs on you, though, your missteps drip through your brain at 2am and you can’t sleep. If you do there are no nightmares, because your past doesn’t scare you, It just holds you down.

Yes, you hide it. Your past is a skeleton that should be kept in a very deep closet. It’s what started all of this. Your past didn’t **** you, so it’s haunting your thoughts and telling yourself to finish the job. You wish you could erase it, but the past is in the past.

None of the above

3. Do you feel empty, or like you don’t really exist at all?

No. You exist. You know because you used to feel so alive when you were with him. The way you could feel your heart pressing against your ribcage every time he whispered in your ear. That was existing. That was more than existing. Your life was full of passion once, you can’t lose all of that at once. Right?

Unsure. Sometimes you exist. Sometime the feeling of the rain against your skin is enough of a reminder that you’re a part of this world. Sometimes it feels like rain is all that’s left in your chest since he walked out on you. Sometimes the rain evaporated and you’re just a ghost trapped between ribs. You can never tell for sure.

Yes. Empty, that’s the word you’ve been using to describe yourself ever since the love dripped out of your body. Your existence has to be an illusion. You’re like a constellation. Those lines connecting your soul of stars don’t really exist, but everyone wants to believe that they do. It doesn’t bother you constantly, though. You can still pretend.

Yes. You feel empty and the emptiness hurts. It feels like you’re full of smoke and broken glass. Your body is an abandoned building. It’s left for dead. Nobody lives here anymore. Nobody can.

4. How do you cope?

You don’t.

You cycle through love like fuel in my car.
Everyone in your life has an expiration date. You know it’s wrong, but it keeps you going. You like the illusion of love and passion that you get from these boys that tell you whatever you want to hear so you’ll let them touch whatever they want to touch. They can’t inhabit your wasteland of a heart, though, so you evict them before they’ve even had a look around.

You fuel your car of a body with ***** and whiskey. Oldest trick in the book. It helps you feel nothing, or it makes everything crumble around you in blurred movements and colors. It’s a no-win, but what else should you be doing?

You take it out on myself. Nobody can be at fault but you.

All of the above

5. True/False You believe you don’t deserve help

True. People have it worse. You know if you asked someone to help you they would tell you that this is exactly what you shouldn’t be thinking, but it’s true. You don’t deserve it.

False. You know you deserve it, but something’s holding you back from getting it. There’s always something holding you back

True. You see yourself as vile. You deserve everything you have against you and more. You take every insult thrown at you and hide it under your skin. You are your mistakes. You made your bed, and now you have to lay in it.

None of the above. Deserving has nothing to do with it. You don’t want it. You’re scared of it. Who even are you without the pain swirling through your ribs. You would be losing your whole identity. This ache has already taken over, it’s there to stay.

Answer Key: If you answered a-e on any of these questions, you are stronger than this. One day you’re going to think it’s done for, that you’re over. It’s going to sting and ache and you’re not going to be able to hide anymore. That’s when the relief will flood in. You’ll be able to let yourself lay in the sunlight and your mind won’t be wishing the beams were replacing your skin. You will be helped, genuinely helped, and you’ll realize that’s what you deserved this whole time.

We're like a building
You and me
Except nothing's set in stone
I wish I could say I love you
Before I hear you moan
The floors in our hotel of love
Are almost like chapters in a book
I wish I knew what page you were on
I wish I knew which elevator you took

It's not you, It's me
I'm just trying to get to the top floor
But you're raking your fingers down all the buttons
So you can enter every door
I wish I could explain
That some of my rooms are locked for a reason
I wish I could explain why I don't like you with closed knees and,
I wish you wouldn't keep drawing this out
We're approaching the top floor
Our love is headed for a drought

You never understood
The thing with being on cloud nine
Is when you start to feel dizzy
The ground below looks like a finish line

What I'm trying to say
Is though what you see is a gorgeous view
All I can see out the highest window
Is my body falling through
This is how I am
I will leave when things are at their peak
And you are no exception
Our future has always been this bleak

Sorry that you're going down
Stopping on every level of falling out of love
I decided to take the shortcut
And it's not something to be proud of

I have to find more confidence in the ability of things to speak for themselves, like how it hasn't stopped raining since you left, or how your car breaks down every time you turn into someone else's driveway

here it is
i was trying to get better
for a while
but it never lasts
nothing lasts forever
were once words that comforted me
because it meant
that this ache in my chest
wouldnt last forever
but nothing lasts forever
i won't last forever
that ache in my chest
could be there my whole life
and still not last forever
now i find comfort
in the things that once scared me
like driving on the wrong side of the road
or tearing myself apart
once you start the timer on a bomb
you cant stop it
dont listen to the movies
you cant stop it
and you tried to stop it
but all you did was drown out the ticking
with your melodic voice
and i almost let you stay
but no matter how selfish i am
i know i don't deserve you
and i'm still self destructing
the bomb hasn't stopped ticking
nothing lasts forever, though
so one day the countdown will stop
but i could have that bomb
ticking down
strapped on my chest
for my whole life
and it still wouldn't last forever

last night
I started crying
in a drugstore aisle
when I walked on autopilot
to the bandages
instead of buying
a pack of gum
like I planned
it made me think
about that night
when you slammed the door
so ******* us
that the hinges broke
and the last words
you said to me were
"i'm not breaking your heart
I'm just done trying to pick up the pieces"
and I coughed up
those words
and all of those extra pieces
you couldn't pick up
for days
after you left
until I crashed my car
into a ditch
because I had convinced myself
that if I drank enough
and stepped on the pedal hard enough
I would end up
on your doorstep
but I never made it
and I had to walk home
because when my car
skidded off the road
the windshield shattered
and I knew
that without you there
to help me pick up the pieces
it would never happen

your goodbye left me in smoke, and I light matches just to watch the fire, just because maybe I'll feel it again.

I feel empty
I'm self aware
Without a self
Like static noise
Instead of heart beats
It's like when a little girl
Is told for the first time
That you can hear the ocean singing
From inside a sand-coated conch shell
But when she presses it to her ear
It's just a pale echo inside
Not a melodic ocean heartbeat
Just an empty ringing
I suppose that's what people think of me
They expect i'll be a sweet song
Only to be let down
Because I'm just background noise