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Darling let me ask you, have you ever been lost in life? Have you ever questioned your whole existence? You don’t know what you’re doing, and you just go with the flow, most of the time? It has always been like this for me, four years to be exact.

I don’t know what I want to do and what I really want to be. They always say I’m still young and that I’ll figure it out, but time is always running and if I can’t keep up with it, I don’t know where I’ll go anymore. I don’t want to keep running for the rest of my life, unsure of all the unfamiliar places. Where do I belong? Am I not capable of certain things?
It’s the way my heart feels calm with the sound of the rain and the way my eyes light up when I’ve seen something like pink skies. It’s the same thing when I look at you, with my eyes wide open and my heart beating fast. I look at you with silent wonderment and I would ask myself “what did I do to deserve you?” You fill me up with admiration and just like the rain and the sky combined, you will always have a very special place deep down in my heart.
He looked at her with his almond eyes filled with curiosity and asked, “what keeps you up at night?” She looked at the moon, patiently waiting in the sky, and said “my insomnia.” It’s almost as if the moon was also waiting for her answer.
Our screaming demons,
they like to visit us at night.

Their voice becomes our company,
their smiles — wicked,
and the shadows that we see.
Every night they keep us up,
quiet, as they may be.

They live in our deepest thoughts
as we try to chase them away.
In the end, we’re surrounded
for they crawl and they hide,
and the deeper they go
they are hardly possible to find.

Oh, our screaming demons,
they like to visit us at night
and if they never sleep,
so neither do we.
121718 - 4:12AM
sunshine mimosa Sep 2018
Last night, I slept once again with a heavy heart. I always hated the fact that whenever I become emotional or whenever I remember something sad, my tears would just fall off without any warning, without a stop. It’s as if I don’t have control over it. It’s always like this when my mind catches a glimpse of you. It’s crazy how much pain I get from missing you and wondering if you miss us the same way.

“You can be mad at someone and still miss them.” I was watching a romantic movie when I heard this line. I really felt that; like an arrow pierced through my heart. I felt the pain of loving and hating someone at the same time; and I wondered, are you mad? Are you disappointed? Every day I wonder what you’re doing and every night, I wish you’re sleeping well because I’m not.

My nights are filled with nightmares. I see in my sleep the same man that I hated and feared. I will wake up wishing to never see that version of you again. I am scared. What if you don’t miss us? What if you grow to hate me because I was never the person you wished I was? What if you come back and you hate us even more? What if you don’t come back at all?

I wish you never have nightmares like this. I wish you sleep well and you’ll wake up sober the next day; sober from all the bad and painful memories and maybe, just maybe, you’ll come back to us.

Come home soon. We miss you. We’re just here, waiting.
08/25/18
sunshine mimosa Sep 2018
These past few days I’ve been waking up to the same dream, the same sweat-soaked bed sheets, the same sun greeting my morning eyes through the sheer curtain of sadness.

“I’ve been here before,” I said as I was having a long walk on the beach, my eyes adored the sunset and the picturesque mountains. The sea; our favorite place. We loved as each wave came, rushing to greet us, one by one like racing horses. “I’ve heard this before,” this beautiful melody. A chuckle, a laugh that sounded more like a lullaby. You sang to me every night when I couldn’t sleep.

“I’ve felt this before,” this longing, this heartache when I felt the world crashing on our feet, that first serious fight. I gripped your shirt tight when I felt the universe pulling us apart; but you didn’t hold back, you have let me slip away from you.

I’ve been waking up from this familiar memory, from this place we called happy; but the familiar face was gone and this unfamiliar feeling is slowly eating me up each day as I try to remember. I’ve been visiting the places, and the forgotten days like a deja vu but this time, I am not with you.
01/27/18
sunshine mimosa Sep 2018
The sky - a beautiful, lively, breathtaking, and once an expressive vault of heaven is now filled with melancholy; an overwhelming feeling of sadness mixed with uncertainty.

I like to think some people are like that, amazing and extraordinary - yet uncertain of many things.
01/22/18
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