Last night, I slept once again with a heavy heart. I always hated the fact that whenever I become emotional or whenever I remember something sad, my tears would just fall off without any warning, without a stop. It’s as if I don’t have control over it. It’s always like this when my mind catches a glimpse of you. It’s crazy how much pain I get from missing you and wondering if you miss us the same way.
“You can be mad at someone and still miss them.” I was watching a romantic movie when I heard this line. I really felt that; like an arrow pierced through my heart. I felt the pain of loving and hating someone at the same time; and I wondered, are you mad? Are you disappointed? Every day I wonder what you’re doing and every night, I wish you’re sleeping well because I’m not.
My nights are filled with nightmares. I see in my sleep the same man that I hated and feared. I will wake up wishing to never see that version of you again. I am scared. What if you don’t miss us? What if you grow to hate me because I was never the person you wished I was? What if you come back and you hate us even more? What if you don’t come back at all?
I wish you never have nightmares like this. I wish you sleep well and you’ll wake up sober the next day; sober from all the bad and painful memories and maybe, just maybe, you’ll come back to us.
Come home soon. We miss you. We’re just here, waiting.
These past few days I’ve been waking up to the same dream, the same sweat-soaked bed sheets, the same sun greeting my morning eyes through the sheer curtain of sadness.
“I’ve been here before,” I said as I was having a long walk on the beach, my eyes adored the sunset and the picturesque mountains. The sea; our favorite place. We loved as each wave came, rushing to greet us, one by one like racing horses. “I’ve heard this before,” this beautiful melody. A chuckle, a laugh that sounded more like a lullaby. You sang to me every night when I couldn’t sleep.
“I’ve felt this before,” this longing, this heartache when I felt the world crashing on our feet, that first serious fight. I gripped your shirt tight when I felt the universe pulling us apart; but you didn’t hold back, you have let me slip away from you.
I’ve been waking up from this familiar memory, from this place we called happy; but the familiar face was gone and this unfamiliar feeling is slowly eating me up each day as I try to remember. I’ve been visiting the places, and the forgotten days like a deja vu but this time, I am not with you.
I want to escape, from this recurring darkness amidst the singsong voices that I hear from my cluttered thoughts; from the demons beneath my bed that whisper me evil nothings invading through the abyss of my privacy; I am trapped in this madness amongst my impulsive choices that have made me so chaotic.
I want to, but it invades and now I am haunted keeping me distracted and unable to sleep.
Your arms are the best place for me and just like a hackneyed phrase, it feels like home. What a beautiful place, wrapped up inside your arms and holding the warmth of your hands. It’s the kind of warmth I feel with a coffee in the morning, my hands wrapped around the mug, and a hot shower at night.
Your scent, a pleasant, musk smell that fills up my lungs, I like to think it smells like my favorite flower, and I love smelling it from your body and from your sweater covered around mine. I want to wear it sometimes so that I can feel you near me, and oh baby, comfort smells like you.
Your eyes, a deep dark brown like almonds, is like an ocean mixed with familiarity and suffocation. I love it when they’re staring at me just as how much I wonder what dreams you see when they’re closed. Let me suffocate in those eyes, let me drown in them, I think they are the soundest place to get lost.
You are my safe haven, there is no place like you. Do you want me to be your safe haven too?