i burn the newly built bridges that bring back the heaviest melancholy thoughts
weight on my shoulders
never been to prominent
i feel fire and agony grow inside of me
no antibiotics can fight the growing bacteria that brings nothing but unbearable thrashes of pain
construction occurring on the unlit bridges
please don’t let the thoughts come back just this night

Late night texts
Sleepy eyes
Small smiles
Butterflies

Stolen moments
Held inside
Beating heart
Stupefied

~

Left alone
Tear filled eyes
Chapped lips
Scarred thighs

Empty promises
Cast aside
Broken heart
Terrified

~j.l.

and when you said
laughter is like a foreign language
i imagined that i was
teaching you how to
speak it

i convinced myself that the lines on my wrists and thighs are my nicest attribute
it’s disgusting
im disgusting
whenever they fade i replace them with a new batch of burning bleeding lines
they look at me with concern in their pupils
but i’m fine i really am
im just a littler prettier with the ugly
leaking out of my putrid body
pale skin with green veins
fading pink lines reminiscent
turning white on my tan thighs
the Xs and the uniform pattern of lines
i didn’t mean to turn out this way
i didnt mean to let myself become disgusting
i cant help wanting to be pretty
greed led me to addiction with ripping myself over and over until my hands are stained with my self hatred

pages in my book are being ripped out
the book doesn’t make sense now
it doesn’t follow anything it’s not in order
it’s weaker
i cant remember what it said before
what happened before this?
it’s gone
no it’s on the floor but i don’t know where
the pages are on the floor
they all look the same
they’re too far away i cant read them
they’re all the same
why cant i remember
i cant rewrite what happened

my book is torn apart
it’s so weak
it feels so empty
**** i feel so empty
please i have to find another copy
i have to remember
i cant keep forgetting what happened
i cant keep feeling empty

the pages on the floor are giving my frozen feet paper cuts
the cuts continue but they go deeper
im being sliced up up up up and up to my head
i cant do this anymore please

author of my book why cant you make more copies i cannot handle not remembering
it’s getting so hard to fill in the gaps
the pages on the floor hurt
i cant see them
i feel so empty
my book is so empty

my body is compressed by the concrete of my thoughts being poured over me
im restricted from movement
im restricted from stopping
im in over my head and i don’t know how to stop it
i don’t know how to deal with it

the hardening cement is so thick but it still manages to seep into my skin
i can’t get up in the morning
it’s so hard
the cold concrete soaks the cones in my retinas
i am tired of seeing the same thing
the same gray
everywhere
why are you everywhere.

im turning into stone and it’s your fault
im falling apart because i couldn’t stop you from your own sabotage
im crumbling into dust because your faults turned to mine

the strings in my head strum at the thought of you
i hate you
no i don’t, i still love you.
i know it’s pathetic
you’ve taken over my thought process
you slow me down
i feel like i’m suffocating
please get out of my head
i don’t want to turn to stone just because of you
it’s always you.

cement under my finger nails
im trying to get out i really am but i’m running out of strength
my thought process is foggy and slow
it’s the same reminiscent gray that reminds me of you
i hate you.
but not literally
unfortunately.