sometimes I regret that I didn't know you
I just cried over your death and my tears quickly formed an ocean
imagine how someone who loved you felt?
but it doesn't mean that I was any less sad at the dead of night
when that comment I made was brought back up again and again and again until it broke into my biggest nightmares
and it was the only one left burning a hole in my mind
it started to consume my every breath and my every thought
so
let's not talk about that night on the bridge when I'm not quite sure what happened but I know
that I would never really jump since you were standing there like a guardian angel
(god, that sounds so cheesy, but what else would you be?)
I smelled the old gasoline from the trucks rambling along the road
a bird sang a sad tune as it watched me go but then, I didn't go.
because at the last moment
a cloud passed over that beautiful moon and now,
rest assured love, the sight of that pushed me far away and
I doubt I will ever climb up and make that journey to the bridge again.
why would I take my life if you had fought every second for precious breathes? and you never knew when it was going to be your last?
you had us make things for you to never forget you
but sometimes I forget you,
and that makes me feel like I am not allowed to be happy
when you are floating somewhere else where
you can't breathe oxygen in anymore.
that cloud over the moon reminds me though,
why should I do it? why would I do it?
I owe that much to you, at least, if I owe anything
(even though we both know I owe more than that. I owe you more than I owe the grass beneath my feet and the music in my ears)
I'm not suicidal, not even close
but now that I've know you I don't think I could ever get to that point anymore where I want to leave
no matter how hard it gets or how much that bridge calls to me,
because you didn't live, so I must live for you.
and sometimes ( alot of times, to be honest)
i try to push it all out my mind. I don't push you away.
I never want the memory of you to fade, it must always be bold and bright and colorful at the front of my thoughts
i only want the memory of the pain to fade i want it to be a stale ******* in my deepest thoughts.
not fresh in the front of my mind causing my heart to jar open every time I think of you.
but how is it possible to let all of that pain, all of the tears that I cried? all the blood I shed?
that whenever I turn on the radio
and all I hear is that one line again and again sung by your (our) favorite band
that reminds me so much of you and all I can think of is when you died and the date you were supposed to die.