how do i turn

e v e r y

little

emotion

o f f?

i want to go back
f o u r months
and stay tucked between the sheets
in the comfort of the unknown
before i met you-
before you changed me-
before you ruined me

i want to go back
s i x months
and beg you to stay-
to grovel at your feet
and make me okay
before i let you slip away-
before i let me lose my way

i want to go back
1 0 months
to know what i now know
before you changed my mind-
before you brought me back to life

i want to go back
f o u r t e e n years
and freeze time-
to be innocent-
before my light
turned dark-
to know not
what i now know-
before my mind met
destruction

i want to go back
t w e n t y years
and erase the future-
to erase the pain-

b a c k before coming to existence
in a place measured by time-
before life was an en  d    l    e     s        s stretch
and death was a goal-
before life was a burden-
before knowing a meaningless existence-
before corruption consumed me

but truly
i need to go back
ten months-
when you,
only you
were capable of soothing my thoughts-
when you pulled me out of the dark
to show me the light
as if the sun was suspended
in a endless night sky

i need to go back
six months-
and tell you to stay-
to tell you that when you leave
i, too, would go away-

just six months-
before i let who i was with you
disappear-
before i welcomed the negativity-
before i let it consume me-
before i met the boy who **ruined me

where is my head?
it has disappeard
it's been picked and prodded
it's been shattered and knotted

come find me

i'm l o s t
endlessly searching
for any thoughts