It's been almost a year since you left me.
I still find myself waiting for you to miss me-
But how can I miss someone who hurt me so deeply?
Pathetic.

I have spent so many nights crying to my angels-
Begging them to bring you back.
Cursing them ever for bringing you to me in the first place.
Screaming pain into the void.
A pain that only comes from loss.

I hate myself because I still love you-
After everything that you put me through.

But now-
I’d rather go home alone then go home with you.
Maybe I don't hate myself at all.

When someone breaks your heart each day feels like months.
Each minute drags on for some reason, I don’t understand why.
I long for the evenings, when I can drink my world black.
3, 4, 5 drinks- how I can still see your face and hear your voice.
Two cigarettes, that warm embrace.
6, 7, 8, drinks- how I can still remember catching you with her, with a smirk of victory on your face.
I didn’t want this.
I saw it end before it began.

I was 24, living in New York City.
Living the dream I thought I has always dreamed for myself.

A swift darkness quickly consumed me.
There was always a voice in my head-
(One I didn’t recognize)
-Saying “just do it, you’ll finally know peace ”.
The voice would get louder and louder each day.
and slowly, that cold, sinking feeling felt like a distant embrace.
I would look at myself in the reflection of the 2 train window and not even recognize the hopeless face staring back at me.
She was desperate for help.
The warm wind of the passing trains soothed me- and reminded me it would be quick.
Until one day, standing at the edge of the tracks and feeling the wind of the approaching train
I stuck my head out too far.
All I could hear was “you’ll finally know peace”.

Little does my sister know- she saved me that day.
A demanding text saying “I’m coming over after work” shot me back into reality.
And I cried walking 40 blocks home.

That was the moment I knew I needed help.
And that was the moment that showed me
I’m stronger than that voice in my head.

I’ve learned how to be alone
But now what?

I’ve learned to wake up everyday to an empty bed
But now what?

I’ve learned how to hang shelves,
Fix leaks.
But now what?

I even took up yoga,
Meditation,
Running.
But now what?

I still come home to an empty bed every night
Where your side is still cold.
But now what?

A day hasn’t gone by where I haven’t seen your face in my minds eye.
I have learned how to truly be alone.
But now, can you say the same?

The greatest gift I've ever given myself-
is learning my own worth.

It has gifted me with the power of agency.
Of choice.
Choice of what I will or won't tolerate.

The gift of knowledge-
Knowing my limits.
Respecting my own boundaries.

To be able to pick and choose who is DESERVING of me.

The greatest gift I've ever given myself-
is knowing my own worth.
I am precious. Invaluable.

My mother told me-
That she's grateful she didn't raise me.

Because if she did-
She would have raised me to be like the women in our family-
Like her.

As much as I mourn not having a mother
(when I needed her most)
I'm grateful too.

The cycle of abuse ends here.
It ends with me.