let me begin by saying what i feel i can't (not allowed) to say enough
(for fear of sounding forced and polite)

i am sorry

allow me to go on, please don't quit here.

let me continue with saying what i feel i should
(for fear of losing you)

i am going to choose to use my words more wisely,   now .

"i spoke to you in cautious tones"
something i have not, something i will

i thought i was the one with the roses, picking at the thorns.
i was giving you thornless roses, i suppose, because i didn't want you to get hurt by them.
i want to see the thorns as truths and yet i gave these, thornless.

"and if my silence made you leave"
that is my own mistake. that is my worst.
my silence = keeping you in the dark
(̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶y̶n̶o̶n̶y̶m̶o̶u̶s̶)̶ ̶
i have made them synonymous.

i'm sorry.
please let me continue.

"and so it goes"
as my y-turn in the snow
i left you in the cold
to ponder
with your eyes c̶l̶o̶s̶e̶d̶  open
( i know you won't sleep tonight,
i'm sorry)

"and that is why my eyes are closed"
they are mine and you are what is s̶e̶e̶n̶  seeing

"you're the only one who knows"
more than me.
more than i.
you've always been right in opening my eyes.

"and still i feel i've said too much"
something i can not claim.
i am too careless with my words
and i've dropped my thorns
through the meadow and now you follow the trail and
piece me together
without me knowing that i've lost anything.

i am sorry
it's not okay
you've forgiven me, i suppose.

"in every heart there is a room"
and i feel i've left yours empty.

i want to fill it.

"so i will share this room with you"
as i want to
as you'd like me to (as i selfishly assume)

"but you can make decisions too"
as you do, you don't need me to say you can.
you've always known that.

"and so it goes"

i no longer write when im sad
because sadness no longer writes for me

sad in a blur in my rear view
now the occasional melancholy dusk

the rear view does not mean as much as my windshield
i drive towards the sunrise

oranges and yellows
blues and pinks

sadness blends now
it is no longer a solid hue

i have love
i have a horizon to drive towards

no matter where it leads
i am driving nonetheless

Waiting.
Watching.
The mirror in the hallway.
The sky is grey as your eyes follow the beam
of the streetlight into the
mirror in the hallway.
You close the blinds
vertical turned linear,
beams of light.
You drag your gaze to the mirror in the corner of the hallway.
You deadpan,
stare at your hands.
Raw, soft, red, frail.
Anxiety under your fingernails.
You poke at your skin,
you shove the pins
into your fingertips.
Where did these pins come from?
People call them safety pins, but now they’re preventing us
from putting the safety on these
metal weapons we point at ourselves in
deep reflection.
I DON’T KNOW MY REFLECTION.
I’ve been sitting with pins in my fingertips for years
I’ve been staring at the lights for months,
I’ve been looking in the corner of the mirror for weeks,
I’ve been gazing at the door for days.
I’ve been waiting for hours.
I’ve been waiting for myself to come home through
the reflection of the door from the mirror in the hallway
and take the (safety) pins out and kiss me on the cheek though
the glass and say
“You are enough, you are perfect, you are beautiful”
The street lights are on again.
I drop the blinds again
vertical lights turned linear.
The sky is a deeper grey.
The pins are still in my fingertips.
Death is under my fingernails.
Darkness is at my door.
Street lights can only light up so much at a time
And I’ve been in the shadows for months.
I’ll keep waiting.
I’ll keep gazing.
I’ll keep looking.
I’ll keep staring.
I’ll keep sitting.
The light has to come soon
The shadows will fade soon
Darkness will leave my door soon
Death will be cleansed from my nails soon
My reflection has to come home soon
The safety will put back on soon
I will be home soon
I swear on it.

These pins can not stay in my fingertips forever.

I will take them out for myself when I get home.

I am almost home.

how i wish i could take the love i give you and make it visible outside of us so we could enjoy it together and plant it deep in healthy soil and watch it bloom so we both know what is true