i am losing my hands to razor blades again.
my demons wont stop clawing at the walls
of my heart shaped pandora’s box.

i am forcing laughter so hard that my ribs are sore.
and you are still so beautiful that it hurts to look.

oh what a pleasure to be
the cigarettes you keep on smoking,
i could creep inside you so softly.
baby could you sneak into me?
**** me quietly from the inside out

i am crying so hard that my eyes may bust out of my head.
you didn’t like it when i called my self abuse a
public display of affection for you.

did you rethink your “i love you more”?
were you embarrassed by the bruises
that my little fists left in your door?

i am always the one that loves more.

when i was sitting right in front of you
twirling my hair between my fingers
biting my fingernails down to my wrist
did you stop right there and plan it?

when you kissed me with
your hands firmly placed
on both sides of my head
did you lace your touch
with the desperation  
i would feel when you eventually left?

did you know it all then?

when you slipped your fingers in real nice
and you shoved your tongue in real smooth
when i kissed you from the nape of your neck
to the corner of your ears,
did you know i would be the one to lose?

did you wanna see me shrivel up
and become a fragment or
some piece of dust that was left behind
when you rubbed your eyes, sighed
and decided i was what you wanted to conquer next

did you know it all along?
did you know it all then?

press my petals between pages of photo albums
you'll only visit every few years, trace my veins
tightly arranged into knots saying
"i was here"

keep me as a memento,
a thought you won't have
to go over more than once.

dust me off and hold me to your chest
throw me in the fire when everything has
passed, frame the better parts of me
as a way to remember the sweetest parts of the past

fall in love with the memory
of me.

you could calm a storm with your tongue*


i wanted to get your face just right with my words
but sometimes i was left speechless by the look
you got in your eyes and the sunlight that
poured through your lashes.
i think
beaches would push the ocean back just
to get that kinda warmth. just to get
that kinda light.
the kind that pours out from your eyes.
you see i tried to find the words to get
your face just right but the syllables were cheeky,
teasing me at every corner
when i thought i knew the best thing to say
to talk about your face.

I miss you like I miss ******* running through my veins.
Like I miss forgetting my head was attached to my body.
Like skipping out on dinner dates to run suicides,
like yeah I was sweating red and white down my nose.
Like I forgot to call you and tell you I had gotten clean.
I miss you like the way I miss falling in love with you again in my dreams.
Like waking up to realize you’re not there.
Like trying to wiggle my way into your heart
and say I’m sorry I burned you here.
Like wishing I could have you near again.
I miss you like withdrawals and headaches that turned me inside out.
Like remembering the Morse code pattern of your mouth.
Like writing you to sleep.
Like hearing you say you loved me.