in the empty hallway where
the wood falls in line with my
heels and the sunbeams are warm
across the grain, full-steam into
my toes, that sink beneath the
floorboards and root into
the foundation where
plant muck takes
residence between
my veins, it's chilly
in this house but
most of me is still on
top and the dust bends
lights off the windows
is stained on the wall
and somewhere from
the kitchen the smell
of cider wraps around
my calves.

let me
be kind
to myself
because
this has
been a
year of
hating
myself.

I think of you
and cigarette
smoke fills
my room
through
the carpet
the painting of
me is burning in
the garage and seeps
through the floors, you
wander the hallways and
knock on doors, you were
the biggest liar I didn't ever
know, ever didn't know, liar
biggest liar I ever knew but
didn't know was standing
right in front of me.

you
saw through me
as if i was transparent
and watched my hollow heart
beat,  attempting to match  your
rhythm but changed pulse ever so
slightly the second i was almost
close enough so i ****** my
skin and  bones  for  being
built of cellophane and
bit my cheeks and
swallowed
blood for
every
time
you didn't
love me when you
should have, i built walls
around my ghostly body just high
enough to keep you out, then watched
you burn them down and dance in the ashes.

robert slept in the back
enveloped in fresh cigarette
with his green sweater hung
over his face and in the front
where we smelled like lotion
and pumpkin hand sanitizer
we tried the lullabies that
were soaked in old lovers
and you invited me over
for dinner, it's so easy
to say that God has
sent me no one
so even if you
do move back
to New York, I
will be able to say
that yes, I made a friend
all on my own and found
that it is so easy to laugh, that
I can be easy to love.