In the cold grey light of the sixth of June, in the year of forty-four,
The Empire Larch sailed out from Poole to join with thousands more.
The largest fleet the world had seen, we sailed in close array,
And we set our course for Normandy at the dawning of the day.

There was not one man in all our crew but knew what lay in store,
For we had waited for that day through five long years of war.
We knew that many would not return, yet all our hearts were true,
For we were bound for Normandy, where we had a job to do.

Now the Empire Larch was a deep-sea tug with a crew of thirty-three,
And I was just the galley-boy on my first trip to sea.
I little thought when I left home of the dreadful sights I'd see,
But I came to manhood on the day that I first saw Normandy.

At the Beach of Gold off Arromanches, 'neath the rockets' deadly glare,
We towed our blockships into place and we built a harbour there.
'Mid shot and shell we built it well, as history does agree,
While brave men died in the swirling tide on the shores of Normandy.

Like the Rodney and the Nelson, there were ships of great renown,
But rescue tugs all did their share as many a ship went down.
We ran our pontoons to the shore within the Mulberry's lee,
And we made safe berth for the tanks and guns that would set all Europe free.

For every hero's name that's known, a thousand died as well.
On stakes and wire their bodies hung, rocked in the ocean swell;
And many a mother wept that day for the sons they loved so well,
Men who cracked a joke and cadged a smoke as they stormed the gates of hell.

As the years pass by, I can still recall the men I saw that day
Who died upon that blood-soaked sand where now sweet children play;
And those of you who were unborn, who've lived in liberty,
Remember those who made it so on the shores of Normandy.
____________

build our nest with love
line it with forget-me-nots
stay all summer long

Don't approach a dog unknown to you
Holding out your hand, making eye contact
You may frighten him
Let him come to you

Don't write a poem uninspired
It won't work out
In good time
Let it come to you

Don't go out there seeking love
Like a child with a butterfly net
Live your life
Let it come to you

She's planting out her window box
Young shoots are showing through
She thinks about the Springtime
And the garden she once knew

There were primroses and daffodils
Sweet violets white and blue
She thinks about her husband
And when their love was new

Buds and blooms open up
They scent and colour Summer long
She thinks about those happy days
When they were young and strong

Sunset's falling sooner now
Petals drop, the show is done
She gathers up her Winter shawl
Prepares for what’s to come

Some things are simply understood
Without the need for spoken word
Others better said out loud
So they may be heard

Some thoughts are better unexposed
So not to harm the atmosphere
Others need to fly and soar
To land on lover's waiting ear

Hold the tongue, bite the lip
Let not insults from it trip
But compliments that smooth the way
Let them see the light of day

Take a butchers at this me old Chinas.
Slip ya Plates o' Meat into ya Jacks,
brew up a nice cup o' Rosy,
and if you haven't got a ****** what I'm on about,
feel free to fire me off a Jimmy Nail
and tell me it's a load of old cobblers.

Can you Adam an' Eve it,
I left me Dog 'n' Bone on the Apples
and when I went to call the Trouble 'n' Strife
some joker had Half-Inched it.

But that's not the worst of it.
When I got back to the Cat and Mouse
she'd done a bunk in me shiny new Jam Jar.
I couldn't believe me Pork Pies!

So here I am all on me Todd,
me only transport a ****** old **** van ****.
Gordon Bennett!
I'm goin' down the ****** for a few Britneys,
gonna get totally Brahms and List
and blow a big fat raspberry at the whole thing.

Tomorrow's another bale 'o' hay.

We're ladies who lunch, we have a good time
We appreciate art, we sip fine wine
Watching our weight so no more than a nibble
But believe you me - we're fond of a giggle :)

We're ladies who lunch, we thrive on variety
We run the local history society
We move some chairs around in the hall
And invite a nice man to talk to us all

We're ladies who lunch, we support one another
Devouring books from cover to cover
We always discuss the topics we've read
Our husbands are hard at work or dead

We're ladies who lunch, we're busy but free
No one does luncheon better than we
Society's backbone, we stick together
And fully intend to go on for ever

Who will mend this broken chair
This useless chair just standing there
Waiting for a drop of glue
Who will mend it, if not you

Then take a look at this broken heart
Can you fathom where to start
Who can make it beat anew
Who can mend it, if not you?

There is a vicar from Chelsea
Who alas is not very wealthy
Often he dines on communion wine
And curried bat from the belfry

He lights a lot of incense
To hide his flatulence
He gets a bit high
Perhaps that is why
His sermons never make sense



--The vicar gets his knickers in a twist--

The old church roof had seen better days
The pressing need was a serious fund-raise
So the vicar abseiled down the tower
As the village watched by the graves and flowers

With a flurry his cassock flew up in the air
Shocking pink he wore under there
Flapping around it covered his face
As he dangled there in embarrassed disgrace

Someone called the fire brigade
A turntable ladder came to his aid
When at last they got him down
Humbled and grateful he kissed the ground

There was a pirate who came from afar
Who sank his ship for a h'penny o' tar
He had a scar on his cheek,
Gold in his teeth
And like Prabhu, a thing for the noir

There was a vicar from Kent
Who gave up religion for lent
He enjoyed a spree
Of being un-holy
Nobody knows where he went

For the tourists to impress
She wore traditional dress
She liked the grass skirt
And the flowery shirt
But the coconut bra caused distress

One of the tourists she knew
Was really enjoying the view
He bought her a drink
Tickled her pink
And said may I remove it for you?

The limerick man was on top
He was writing such a lot
The barrel he dredged
He lost his edge
And didn't know when to stop

Clever Trevor likes to surprise
When he was born he shouted Hi!
I'm Trevor, glad to be aboard
And look, I'm wearing a mortar board!

They gave him a part in the Christmas play
As baby Jesus the divine
He took to it like a duck to water
Which of course he turned to wine

Mum took him to the beach to play
Let's be normal just for a day
He dug a hole in the sand
Drained the sea away

He likes to throw stones,
Never missing a target
He aimed for the moon one fateful night
Knocked it out of orbit

A keyboard wizard,
If he got a bit bored
He could start a third world war

So come on Trevor, please do something good
Help us out here, I wish you would

Chemistry that's a start
History broken heart
Geography been around
Current affairs lost and found

Politics no nasty shocks
Anatomy got the lot
Philosophy will it fit
Astrology if you believe in it

English Lit Great Expectations
English Lang communications
Mathematics work it out
Music we could twist and shout

Psychology games to play
Economics I can pay
Algebra think of walking
Poetry now you're talking

The 3 toed sloth
Rhymes with goth
Or is it oath

Moves slowly

Sometimes algae grows on his head
Joni Mitchell didn't mean him when she said

Wild things run fast
3 toed sloth, he'd come last

Once a week he climbs down from his tree
And that's to have a poo and ***

Now sloths get amorous
But *** is tricky up a tree
He moves too quick, he's not used to it
And hits the ground involuntarily

Randy broke his arm
Kind people fixed it with titanium

He resumes his slothful days
But now he's more careful with his loving ways

Amazing it was what Grandad would do
with a drop of oil or a bit of glue
Stopped watches, sticking locks
Faulty switches, zips on breeches
Kettles that wouldn't sing
Bells that wouldn't ring
He'd say let me have a look  my dear
Touch the pencil behind his ear
Adjust his specs, stick out his tongue
And in a jiff it was mended and done
But now he's not here to save us from sin
Anything broken goes straight in the bin

Tonight good Duncan, friend and guest
This dagger shall pass through thy breast
I shall be king as was the prophecy and belief
Told by the hags upon the heath

Unsexed like them, my Lady chides me still
For my kindness and uncertain will
Even as my dagger drips once more
And blood from noble Banquo stains the floor

Now in blood so far I'm steeped
Only can I wade more deep

But this horizon leads no longer to infinity
Steadily it closes in on me
Slow but marching all the same
Toward the hill at Dunsinane

And though those warning words I scorned
Not all men are of woman born
Thus proves the prophesy no lie
Live by the sword and therefore by it die

At this time of year winter's grip is left behind
In every corner little signs of Spring we find
Birds are pairing up, snowdrops brave the chill
Life in the earth begins to stir
And yes, I love you still.

I looked inside her head
Thought I'd see carousels, glitter *****
Unicorns juggling golden orbs
Glinting diamonds, chandeliered halls

But there was only sawdust, bits of straw
Knotted string, plasticene and beetles wings

Expectation is a foolish thing

I've had enough of all this wind and reindeer
We otter go away
Holidays are important, my parents tortoise that
Weasel have to look on the internet
You know I can't bear the heat
But here's a spa hotel where I'm sure they would panda to your every need
Alpaca suitcase right away

Toothpaste tube, cattle class
Purple stripes, rows of lights
A newly formed castle white
In concrete, steel and glass

Cloud-high halls, giant pots
Re-charging bodies strewn around
Turning deeper shades of brown
Volcanic sand, hot black rock

We watch a floating city, blazing light
Like a dying star, fade into the night

                        -

Ali, where do these bananas go?
What kind of tree is this?
How far does this levada flow?

Ali takes the tourists out
He throws some breadcrumbs in the water
He likes to feed the trout

Madeira born in forty five
Ali told me many things
Ali, our levada walking guide

His family was very poor
He collected mussels from the shore
And sticks to burn for heat
For today his mother said
I have no food and we must eat
We have to eat

Ali, where are all the vines?
How long before your boots wear out?
Do you drink the local wine?

Do the tourists drive you mad
With all the questions that they ask?
Ali smiles, shuffles us aside
To let some others pass

My bike is still just fine
I've had it a long time
I rode it just the other day
It's the way it's been looked after
I used to go much faster than I do today

I got it when I was only ten
Could hardly reach the pedals then
It cost twenty seven pounds
From a shop in Maidstone town

It seems to know its way these days
To the pub and back
I shall never give my bike away
Or send it off for scrap

The three toed sloth
Rhymes with goth
Or is it oath

Moves slowly

Sometimes algae grows on his head
Joni Mitchell didn't mean him
when she said

Wild things run fast
Randy, three toed sloth,
he'd come last

Once a week he climbs down from his tree
And that's to have a poo
and ***

Now even sloths get amorous
But *** is tricky up a tree
He moves too quick, he's not used to it
And hits the ground involuntarily

Randy broke his arm
Some people fixed it
with titanium

So he can resume his slothful days
But he's more careful now
in his loving ways

Jellyfish in the dock
Quietly guarding his spot
An intruder drifts by
With a challenging eye
So he gives him all that he's got

The quarrel to settle
He showed him his mettle
Caressed him all over
With arms like a nettle

The stranger acts tough
Calling his bluff
Hanging around in a bit of a huff

He drifted off, he'd shown him what's what
There was no doubt who was king of the dock-
It was one of his better exchanges

But he thought how strange for a fish,
To have tattooed on his chest
Good food costs less at Sainsburys

I passed a milestone on the way
Exactly when, I cannot say
Maybe where the grass grew long,
Or when the wind blew extra strong
I passed it though, of that I'm sure
That one's gone, but there will be more

many
many  more

All day panda girl reclines
Exercise she declines

Horsey girl will bring you luck   ( U )
Her legs are strong and she drives a truck

Bonobo girl is worth consideration
Taking account of her reputation

Cat girl charms you with her eyes
She chings her  claws and claims her prize

Crocodile girl will make you happy
Until she gets a bit too snappy

Dormouse girl may give a peep
Together you'll have a lovely sleep

Turtle girl will be just swell
If you coax her from her shell

Wallaby girl needs some space
To hop about from place to place

Tarantula girl gives you pangs
When she shows her fearsome fangs

Cougar woman's after me
Completing my  fantasy
Menagerie

I met a priest from Guyana
Who's fond of his marijuana
He says even the Pope
Stashes some dope
He calls it a gift from the Father

Into the peachy clouds
A strawberry sunset spreads some light
We track across the chili fields
And climb aboard the gravy night

A chocolate pond reflects a moon
Tall hedges show the way
A startled pheasant chucks alarm
A pigeon ***** and flies away

An unseen owl shrieks hello
Foxes cough their husky bark
The dapper badger stirs below
The night shift claims the dark

The ploughman works on through the night
Engine roaring, blazing lights
In his power-walking leviathan
Guided by the satellites

On we go, the village near
We'll find a welcome there
An inglenook, a glowing hearth
A pint of hoppy beer.

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn
What a vision of loveliness you have become
As I watch from the wings sipping a Pimms
A one-sided love affair has just begun

She holds a martini and graciously flirts
Still wearing the fetching tennis skirt
All the boys stare as she climbs up the stair
Every one wishing she could be theirs

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn
Did I cheer too loud for the match that you won?
Was our handshake too long when I told you well done?

And now it is nineteen seventy one
What an excellent wife and mother you've become
But alas not to me
Miss Joan Hunter Dunn

This majestic mountain invites us up to play
Above the clouds and valley haze
We own it for a day

Rising in the gondola, cables taking strain
Bronzed faces still and quiet
Studying terrain

Alpine chough and ptarmigan are seen from time to time
But alpine buzz is really
What we have in mind

A pack of snowboards hurtles by doing what they dare
A whiff of marijuana
Lingers in the air

Some are here for night-life, drunk in bed by three
Not in search of apres
During's good for me

The weather's right, tons of snow
Come on, come on, we've got to go!

Solo Atlantic rower
Oarsome!

Jlo rows Atlantic
Arsome!

I've seen advertised a new car
That breaks all the records by far
Not only that
I hear it can snap
Elastic at fifty yards!

There was a vicar from Fife
Who never took a wife
Instead he toyed
With a choir boy
And buggered him up for life

They wanted a curriculum vitae
In absentia
I decided to ad lib
Ad nauseum
Ipso facto, lie and deceive
Exaggerate, mislead et cetera

Hardly a bona fide
Modus operandi
They caught me in flagrante delicto

Requiescat in pace, (RIP) my chances
Now I'm persona non grata
Mea culpa

Cold and dark the solstice night
But shadows dance inside by candle-light
Pampered spruce holds centre stage
Calendar counts down the days

Festive holly berries red, mistletoe with white
Cards suspended on a string, flashing fairy lights
All is quiet in the house
Nothing stirs except...a mouse

He has no fear
Of cat or trap or carving knife
On his mind is something nice
Perhaps a chocolate-covered nutty treat
Beneath the Christmas tree to eat

Tonight no usual pickings poor
Of meagre breadcrumbs on the floor
For tonight he dines like a king
On fruit and nuts, dates and cake
A little bit of everything

All the Drambuie chocolates he ****** dry
He could not stop, he knew not why
Then he passed out on the floor
One hung-over little mouse, his head so very sore

I ain't goin' back to Maggie's farm no more
To thatch that old black barn
Already done it twice
Done that thing most my life
Someone else's turn now for sure

Ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother don't you see
He'll not be using me
Bought his wife an Aston Martin
For turning forty three
He couldn't even bother  
To make a cup of tea

It all seems so appealing
When you're young and fit
Thirty five years later
Feel I've done my bit

Been a faithful servant
Couldn't ask for more
Now I'm looking forward
To the final straw

they don't read poems
poor souls, scratching and headless
don't write them either


country lane bike ride
T-shirt flapping like a jib
three sheets to the wind

Lie back think of England
Tuck into toad in the hole
Cider with Rosie,  peaches and cream
Juggle dumplings scoring a goal

Oats in the nose-bag, flip-flop away
Doggie do in the park
Scream shout, dip in and out
On the side after dark

Wellies squidgy in the mud
Carpet burns tickling trout
Marigolds in the soap suds
Eyes askew, up the spout

On Bosworth field the die was cast
As banners flapped and arrows flew
The King of England breathed his last
A new one crowned before the day was through

Spewing lead the canons roared
Armour glinting in the light
When Henry's banner Richard saw
He led his men into the fight

The standard bearer he cut down
Then ten feet from his foe it's said
His horse got mired in boggy ground
So failed the charge that he had led

As Henry's men surrounded him
Richard stood his ground and said
I shall not flee, I'll die a King
England's crown upon my head

For the House of York the cause had failed
His skull was smashed, the deed was done
The House of Lancaster prevailed
On Bosworth field the war was lost and won

If you think we're going to fight
And it's your intention, we just might.
But it's not what I would like to do
That's why I send this note to you.

Your home's a special place to be
Your refuge from the world, your sanctuary
So please don't fret or get upset
Your privacy we will respect.

As we reflect on our situation
We hope that this communication
Will ease the tension in the air
And show we understand and care.

Feel in my words a soothing balm
Let all your thoughts be smooth and calm
Quell those fears, unknit that furrowed brow
I'm sure we will be friends somehow.

It's Grandad's birthday coming up
He says he wants a ******,
To entertain him in the bath tub-
Better not tell Granny

He catches rats for a living
The fine young, jolly young man
Says if you can't get rid of them
Call me, because I can

I'll trap 'em, drown 'em, poison 'em,
Hit 'em on the head
Failing that I'll fire some shot;
Fill 'em up with lead

Bedbugs, fleas, ants, pigeons in the loft
Squirrels being troublesome
Tell me, I'll stop the lot

Then he handed me a business card
Said this is me as well
So if you fancy tasty burgers
Just give me a bell

No, you can't nest there!
Chatter, swooping, fly around
I must close the doors!

I once knew a woman who got cancer
I don't know why
Perhaps it was genetic
Environmental
Or she swallowed a fly

They sliced it out
Bombarded with radiation
Chemo
It might as well have been a spider
To wriggle and wriggle around inside her
Because she died

.      
      big fat juicy worm                                  
blackbird fighting for his prize                
       tug of war ensues                                    


    storm discarded twigs
slow water under the bridge
   play poo sticks with me

There was a magician from Bath
I couldn't help but laugh-
While performing his magic
His act turned quite tragic-
He sawed his assistant in half

When the glass runs out of sand
Gently guide me through the night
Sit by me and hold my hand
Be my comfort and my light

Gently guide me through the night
Let us chase the shadows down
Be my comfort and my light
Let me see you smile not frown

Let us chase the shadows down
Though I see your eyes do weep
Let me see you smile not frown
Until such time as we may sleep

Though I see your eyes do weep
Sit by me and hold my hand
Until such time as we may sleep
When the glass runs out of sand

There was a vicar from Crewe
Whose congregation were few
To make amends he brought in his hens
And they all lined up on a pew

Then he compiled an avian choir
(For the singing voice of the hens was dire
And the only song the cockerel knew
Was ****-a-doodle-do)

The church fell silent as we heard
The Lord is my Shepherd from the minor bird
The vicar invited us to pray
And we got the Lords Prayer from the African grey

There followed a rendition of psalm thirty four
Performed without fault from the tenor macaw
The parakeets squawked and scratched their fleas
As they jumped up and down on the ***** keys

The vicar was thrilled it was going so well
The geese gave a honk as they pulled on the bell
But then there appeared right at the back
An evil sparrowhawk poised to attack

Calamity reigned inside the church
The African grey fell off his perch
The first to escape was the tenor macaw
As fast as he could through the open door

The chickens shrieked and went home in a flap
The minor bird had a heart attack
The geese walked away back to their pen
And the church fell silent once again

She minds her little sister
Babysitting in the woods
Flowers bunched up in her hand, primroses perhaps
Devoutly kneeling, she offers them to the child
As hair flows down her back
A long blonde waterfall

The child with open arms
Learns how to receive
And how to give

In a corner a written plea
Take me now for twenty quid
Reduced from twenty five

Unloved, unvalued even for the frame
Now rescued from indignity
And lifted from the skip

My old man's in finance
He dishes out advice
He'll tell you where to best invest
But only for a price

He charges a hundred fifty
For every hour he's there
I thought he'd got a ****** cheek
I don't know how he dare

I fell out with him
I'm not that easily led
So my stash is going back
Underneath the bed

for Higgs

Thank you sir, how would you like to pay, firing squad?
-- I beg your pardon?
Nice and quick sir, no mess, comes highly recommended.
Or there's the rotten cotton bungee jump, very popular with our younger customers.
Um, we offer an old fashioned duel with a chieftan tank, there's walking the plank,
And we've just started an in-house hang draw and quarter option with free head impalement.
Exceptional value that one, sir.
Now what else is there, there's the axe in the neck from the man with the hood,
The genuine guillotine experience, the short flight over the ocean with a sharp shove at 15000 feet,
Um, the drag naked through the streets by a crazed horse,...
--Is barclaycard acceptable?
Of course sir, I can offer you a complimentary snake bite with that sir.
--No thank you.
Ok sir, let me offer you this free bladder of wombat spittle mouthwash,
Special promotion till Friday, yours to enjoy.
--I'll take two.
Certainly, excellent sir.
--Is there a cheese shop in the neighbourhood?
Yes sir, finest in the district sir, but if I were you I wouldn't go there sir,
The man who runs it is a bit strange sir.