Home isn't a place

More often than not

It's a person

And I have to say

I don't know where home is anymore

I try so hard
To help you
See Christ
By going to church
But you keep lying
And making me cry
And I don't know
If it's worth it anymore.
Maybe you aren't elect.
Maybe you don't care enough.
I cried again today
Because of you.
If you cared
Wouldn't you ask if I was okay?
I don't know.
Maybe
Maybe not.
All I know
Is when I walk into Heaven,
I want to be holding your hand.
One more adventure together.
But you don't care.

I spent years
Convincing myself that you
Were my mission.
God wanted me to help you to him.
But maybe I was wrong.
Because you have made me cry
And hate
And scream
Like I never used to.
I can't go on a vacation without worrying about you.
Because of you
I can't sleep sometimes.
And I am so tired of it.
I just want what's best for you.
But you don't even know.
I can't tell you how much you hurt me,
Because I'm afraid then you would leave.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
Why can't you do this one thing for me?

Maybe it was never meant to be.
No more adventures for us.
I'm done.

Everyone can see the effects of the hurt
And they tell me everything will be OK.

But they don't *see me

He does not need us to be mighty warriors
To fight His battle
For He Himself is the mighty one
The battle is already fought
And we are but helpless sheep
Awaiting our shepherd's loving hand
No, He needs not the strong
He needs not the heroes
But it is the lowly
The weak
The poverty-stricken
Yes, these are the ones
He calls
He asks
In all His love
For all His sacrifice
To simply follow Him

I just do not get
How you can insult others
And when I tell you
How much it absolutely
Hurts all of our hearts
I am the one in the wrong.

All these people missing each other
And more often than not
They are separated by
A Distance they never wanted

I am sick
Of feeling down
Like an anvil is on my chest

I am tired
Of your voice grinding my eardrums
Making me feel
Unworthy

I am done
With this lifestyle
That I have been living

I hate
This view
You have of me
As if I am less than dirt

You told me
To gain confidence
Learn to speak my mind

So this is me telling you
I'm sick of your lies
I'm tired of your voice
I'm done with this place
*I am done with you

I really think the most beautiful
Thing in the world
Is real,
The
Happiness.
That smile
That lights up someone’s face,
And the way their eyes crinkle
When they laugh,
And the way their shoulders heave,
And the sound of their voice-
There is nothing more wonderful
To behold
Than someone who is blissfully,
Carefree
A smile that is
Genuine and
Sweet as honey
That is something
Worth living to see.

Have you ever wondered if this is a dream?
If maybe all of this chaos
Is nothing but a dim shadow
Between
Us and eternity?
Or maybe if you're going insane, and Every conversation you have
Every decision you make
Is all based on the charade
That is mental instability?
Often I wonder if others are
Going crazy
Or if I am the insane one, spending
My day's going back and forth
Across a spinning ball in space
And if maybe
Just maybe
Others wear the mask
So as not to betray
My insanity

While the rest of you
Are trying to impress everyone
And live
On
The
Wild side
Some of us
Are just trying to have
A normal
Ordinary
Life

There's so many things
I just can't express
There's So many pressures
I'm under duress

There's so many thoughts
That I can't put to sound
But the silence they speak
It grows oh so loud

So many pieces
Of my shattered heart
I can't put together
What's fallen apart

I'm feeling so cold
Like the darkness creeps in
Entangling its branches
On something within

I feel so alone
I'm surrounded by life
But the road I walk on
Is the edge of a knife

There's a silence here
The screams, they grow louder
They fester inside me
Like sparks in gunpowder

I can't see the light
I think I've lost my way
The world is much darker
Than it was yesterday

And as my mind breaks
The days grow darker still
I've lost what heart I had
I've lost all of my will

Will to fight, to love,
My will to linger on
That my life were a breath
That once breathed out was gone.

Whole again
Broken again
Lost?
Found?

Smile again
Frown again
Lies?
Truth?

Laugh again
Cry again
Hurt?
Help?

So many
Different
Feelings
I can't
Remember
Which is good
And which is bad.

All I know is
The bad always comes back.


I can't wait for the good to return.

Am I going crazy
Or is there something here
A great expanse of silence
Or new words
That tumble to
My ears

Is this such a mystery
That somehow won't unfold
Yet while I'm passing life by
It's passing
Me
As we
Grow old

All I know is home is
Wherever you might be
So come along
And take my hand
We'll sail
Across the sea

I know wherever you are
Is where I call my home
So wherever you may be
You are the
Missing half to
My soul

Have you ever had a moment
When the rain is pouring down
And it showers down upon you
With such a frightful sound

And then there is the moment
when you go beneath a bridge
And everything is quiet
And goes silent for a smidge

And though it seems a second
In that moment, there is more
More sighs and much more silence
Then you've ever felt before

And it feels that in that moment
The whole world takes a breath
You forget all of your sorrows
All ills, all tears, and deaths

And if only for a heartbeat
The world-it stands so still
And you feel your hands go clammy
And it sends o'er you a chill

Yes, in that bless-ed silence
It puts your heart at peace
You hope it stays forever
That it will never cease

Oh, but just as quickly as
The peaceful came to you
The moment takes on wings
Before you know it, it is through.

And how you mourn the loss
Of such a peaceful mo'
But if it happened all the time,
You wouldn't mourn it so.

No, some things are for only
A moment, just a chime
For people ruin lovely things
To mimic peaceful times

We are all
Like Simon-Peter
Sinking below the waves
And we are so
So close
To safety
If only we take the hand of our
Savior.

It's not as easy
As drugs
Or *****

It's not something
You pick
Or choose

It's not a thing
You can
Control

It blackens you
Like soot
Or coal

I wish it were
Simple
Easy

But it's not
Something you fix

This wasn't meant to happen,
This fluttering called love
It all began one cold fall day
When you forgot your glove

I'd seen your face many times
You'd been in here before
Your order is "One large mocha,
And a number twenty-four"

You said your name was Adam
And I guess it's meant to be
Because my imaginary friend
Was Adam Backlebee

The day this all began,
Was blustery and cold
And neither one of us forknew
Your hand was mine to hold

"I'm sorry, please excuse me",
You muttered, passing by
But little did you know,
Your little grin had caught my eye

You smiled bigger, looking back
And then I was done for
Cupid's arrow of red hearts
Had pierced me to the core

And here we are, years later
And you're down on one knee
So here's to you, and here's to us
And our eternity

Don't treat me like I've never been afraid.
Don't treat me like I've never had anxiety
Or been depressed
Or had a panic attack
I've done more than you think
I've felt more than you know
I've shaken harder
With fear
Than you ever have.

I wish someone would notice
What's wrong
I pray and pray but life just
Goes along
Why can't you hear my restless
Mournful song
Help me
Please
I'm drowning.

And it was there
Deeply submerged
In darkness
And despair
That my soul sang
An old song
And I came home

"You're not really alone"

But I feel alone
Don't try to fix it
By constantly trying to talk
Just listen
Help me find someone
Who makes me feel not alone.

A family member
Added to ours

A brother
Lost to the dogs

A friendship
Renewed

What's in a name, you say
Everything is in a name.
A name is who you are.

We change our names on the internet.
Why would we change them
Unless our real names
Don't
Tell
Who
We
Really
Are?

What's in a name?
Everything.
My name here is everything.
Everything is wish to be
And do
And feel.

My name is everything.

It was green
It was misty
My skin was cold
The road was twisty

Fog came up
And rain came down
And through the woods
Not a sound

Stuck in the rain,
My clothes worn thin
Goosebumps fled
Across my skin

Silence, peace
Like two old friends
They finally came
To me again

With each breath
That crossed my lips
And wind along
My fingertips

I seemed to lose
Myself some more
Upon that wet
And grassy floor

Then I awoke
In sun again
And said goodbye
To long lost friends

I said goodbye
To mist and Moore
And all the things
I thought so pure

I then turned back
To sinful strife
Hello again
To my old life

If I could tell you anything
If any words could fall from my lips
And slip into your ears
I would say
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that even though
You are so blissfully
Beautifully happy
I can't be happy for you
I'm sorry
Because right now
I'm so unhappy with myself
That it's hard for me
To be happy for anyone else

All I want to do
Is tell someone
Scream to the world
How sad
And angry
And bitter
And hurt I am
But nobody is listening

2AM is the devil's hour
It is then that your sleep slips away
Like the sun gives way to moon
And it is then that your demons
Come out to play.