I am sick
Of feeling down
Like an anvil is on my chest

I am tired
Of your voice grinding my eardrums
Making me feel
Unworthy

I am done
With this lifestyle
That I have been living

I hate
This view
You have of me
As if I am less than dirt

You told me
To gain confidence
Learn to speak my mind

So this is me telling you
I'm sick of your lies
I'm tired of your voice
I'm done with this place
*I am done with you

I really think the most beautiful
Thing in the world
Is real,
The
Happiness.
That smile
That lights up someone’s face,
And the way their eyes crinkle
When they laugh,
And the way their shoulders heave,
And the sound of their voice-
There is nothing more wonderful
To behold
Than someone who is blissfully,
Carefree
A smile that is
Genuine and
Sweet as honey
That is something
Worth living to see.

While the rest of you
Are trying to impress everyone
And live
On
The
Wild side
Some of us
Are just trying to have
A normal
Ordinary
Life

Have you ever wondered if this is a dream?
If maybe all of this chaos
Is nothing but a dim shadow
Between
Us and eternity?
Or maybe if you're going insane, and Every conversation you have
Every decision you make
Is all based on the charade
That is mental instability?
Often I wonder if others are
Going crazy
Or if I am the insane one, spending
My day's going back and forth
Across a spinning ball in space
And if maybe
Just maybe
Others wear the mask
So as not to betray
My insanity

Whole again
Broken again
Lost?
Found?

Smile again
Frown again
Lies?
Truth?

Laugh again
Cry again
Hurt?
Help?

So many
Different
Feelings
I can't
Remember
Which is good
And which is bad.

All I know is
The bad always comes back.


I can't wait for the good to return.

There's so many things
I just can't express
There's So many pressures
I'm under duress

There's so many thoughts
That I can't put to sound
But the silence they speak
It grows oh so loud

So many pieces
Of my shattered heart
I can't put together
What's fallen apart

I'm feeling so cold
Like the darkness creeps in
Entangling its branches
On something within

I feel so alone
I'm surrounded by life
But the road I walk on
Is the edge of a knife

There's a silence here
The screams, they grow louder
They fester inside me
Like sparks in gunpowder

I can't see the light
I think I've lost my way
The world is much darker
Than it was yesterday

And as my mind breaks
The days grow darker still
I've lost what heart I had
I've lost all of my will

Will to fight, to love,
My will to linger on
That my life were a breath
That once breathed out was gone.

It's not as easy
As drugs
Or *****

It's not something
You pick
Or choose

It's not a thing
You can
Control

It blackens you
Like soot
Or coal

I wish it were
Simple
Easy

But it's not
Something you fix

This wasn't meant to happen,
This fluttering called love
It all began one cold fall day
When you forgot your glove

I'd seen your face many times
You'd been in here before
Your order is "One large mocha,
And a number twenty-four"

You said your name was Adam
And I guess it's meant to be
Because my imaginary friend
Was Adam Backlebee

The day this all began,
Was blustery and cold
And neither one of us forknew
Your hand was mine to hold

"I'm sorry, please excuse me",
You muttered, passing by
But little did you know,
Your little grin had caught my eye

You smiled bigger, looking back
And then I was done for
Cupid's arrow of red hearts
Had pierced me to the core

And here we are, years later
And you're down on one knee
So here's to you, and here's to us
And our eternity

Don't treat me like I've never been afraid.
Don't treat me like I've never had anxiety
Or been depressed
Or had a panic attack
I've done more than you think
I've felt more than you know
I've shaken harder
With fear
Than you ever have.

We are all
Like Simon-Peter
Sinking below the waves
And we are so
So close
To safety
If only we take the hand of our
Savior.

Have you ever had a moment
When the rain is pouring down
And it showers down upon you
With such a frightful sound

And then there is the moment
when you go beneath a bridge
And everything is quiet
And goes silent for a smidge

And though it seems a second
In that moment, there is more
More sighs and much more silence
Then you've ever felt before

And it feels that in that moment
The whole world takes a breath
You forget all of your sorrows
All ills, all tears, and deaths

And if only for a heartbeat
The world-it stands so still
And you feel your hands go clammy
And it sends o'er you a chill

Yes, in that bless-ed silence
It puts your heart at peace
You hope it stays forever
That it will never cease

Oh, but just as quickly as
The peaceful came to you
The moment takes on wings
Before you know it, it is through.

And how you mourn the loss
Of such a peaceful mo'
But if it happened all the time,
You wouldn't mourn it so.

No, some things are for only
A moment, just a chime
For people ruin lovely things
To mimic peaceful times

He does not need us to be mighty warriors
To fight His battle
For He Himself is the mighty one
The battle is already fought
And we are but helpless sheep
Awaiting our shepherd's loving hand
No, He needs not the strong
He needs not the heroes
But it is the lowly
The weak
The poverty-stricken
Yes, these are the ones
He calls
He asks
In all His love
For all His sacrifice
To simply follow Him

Am I going crazy
Or is there something here
A great expanse of silence
Or new words
That tumble to
My ears

Is this such a mystery
That somehow won't unfold
Yet while I'm passing life by
It's passing
Me
As we
Grow old

All I know is home is
Wherever you might be
So come along
And take my hand
We'll sail
Across the sea

I know wherever you are
Is where I call my home
So wherever you may be
You are the
Missing half to
My soul

I wish someone would notice
What's wrong
I pray and pray but life just
Goes along
Why can't you hear my restless
Mournful song
Help me
Please
I'm drowning.

And it was there
Deeply submerged
In darkness
And despair
That my soul sang
An old song
And I came home

A family member
Added to ours

A brother
Lost to the dogs

A friendship
Renewed

"You're not really alone"

But I feel alone
Don't try to fix it
By constantly trying to talk
Just listen
Help me find someone
Who makes me feel not alone.

What's in a name, you say
Everything is in a name.
A name is who you are.

We change our names on the internet.
Why would we change them
Unless our real names
Don't
Tell
Who
We
Really
Are?

What's in a name?
Everything.
My name here is everything.
Everything is wish to be
And do
And feel.

My name is everything.

It was green
It was misty
My skin was cold
The road was twisty

Fog came up
And rain came down
And through the woods
Not a sound

Stuck in the rain,
My clothes worn thin
Goosebumps fled
Across my skin

Silence, peace
Like two old friends
They finally came
To me again

With each breath
That crossed my lips
And wind along
My fingertips

I seemed to lose
Myself some more
Upon that wet
And grassy floor

Then I awoke
In sun again
And said goodbye
To long lost friends

I said goodbye
To mist and Moore
And all the things
I thought so pure

I then turned back
To sinful strife
Hello again
To my old life

Dear future husband,

I hope that wherever you are

You are happy

And that whoever you are with,

They make you smile

And I hope that whatever you are doing

It makes you content

Because without you, I am alone
*
And I am not happy

And no matter who I’m with
,
I hardly smile anymore

And no matter what I do,

I am not content

I feel lost without you

And I don’t even know you

My future husband,

I hope that everything God gives you

Is something that makes you love more

And whatever trials you face

You can always feel Him near

And I hope that in everything you do,

You see His face

And with every tear that drops from your beautiful eyes

You know that one day He will bring us together

Because without you, I feel the love

Leaving a little more

And with every trial I face,

I feel more and more…alone

And no matter what I do,

I don’t think I can see Him anymore

And with every tear that drips from my cold eyes
,
I am losing hope that I will ever meet you

Dear future husband,

I hope that wherever you are

You are happy-you are in bliss

Because I can feel hell creeping up on me

And I’m scared to breathe anymore.

You've pushed me
Right to the edge
You took whatever was good in me
And you tore it from my chest
And threw it to the ground
It's been a long time coming,
But finally you've done it

And I know I'm
Messed up
I know I'm
Strange in the head
But you've treated me
Like dirt
And now
Messed up as I am
All I want to do
Is **** myself
To make you sorry

//CUR-a-j//

Noun:

1. You are a brave mountain, a standing tower in a whirlwind. You are a small boy facing a giant, a yellow brilliance in the face of destruction.

2. You scream holy fearlessness at the abyss.

3. You have been to the eternal edge and stood in it's inky, anger. You have faced a deep and wicked disaster, and it has faced you. You have seen the bitter eternity and preached light to it's fury.

I live
For stormy days
Chilly wind
Colorful leaves
The color orange
Long scarves
Warm boots
Giant sweaters
Cloudy skies
Hot tea
Good books
Bonfires
The smell of burning leaves
Fuzzy blankets
Candy corn
And corn mazes
Hot cider
Scary movies
Acorns
Petrichor
Candy apples
Jack-o'-lanterns
Splendor in the air
And long walks
Through quiet forests
I am in love with fall

Some turn to drink
And some turn to grass
We all turn to things
That we know will not last

But oh my beloved
Remember always
We all have our demons
That won't go away

If I could tell you anything
If any words could fall from my lips
And slip into your ears
I would say
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that even though
You are so blissfully
Beautifully happy
I can't be happy for you
I'm sorry
Because right now
I'm so unhappy with myself
That it's hard for me
To be happy for anyone else

2AM is the devil's hour
It is then that your sleep slips away
Like the sun gives way to moon
And it is then that your demons
Come out to play.

The sun is crying
Leaving streaks
And heaving bolts
Of its tears
Up and down
And
All
Around
Across
Its canvas
That is the sky.

...so I tell myself that I'm just tired, I didn't sleep well last night.
I nod a few times trying to convince myself of that lie
Because I know that I really slept fine last night
I just feel lonely and I don't know how to cope.

Today I was good to myself
I woke up and went right back to sleep
Even though I'd already slept 8 hours.
Then I did it again
And I got 11 hours of sleep

Today I was good to myself
I got up and made a yummy breakfast
I didn't worry about making my bed
Not right away
I just ate bacon and drank a smoothie

Today I was good to myself
I made 3 cups of my favorite hot tea
And I put fresh local honey in it
And a bit of lemon juice
And I let myself feel it
Travel down my chest
And into my belly
Hot and soothing

Today I was good to myself
I spent an hour and a half in my bible
Highlighting
And Journaling
And admiring the beautiful words

Today I took care of myself
I kept all the lights off except one
I paid my overdue bills
And I talked to my plants
And read a book
And I watched scifi
It's my favorite

Today I was good to myself
I didn't let myself worry
About money
Or work
Or church
Or anything else
I just let myself be at peace
I didn't even get dressed

Today I was good to myself
I took a hot bath
I put Epsom salt bubbles in it
And Eucalyptus bath salt
And I soaked away all the stress of the last couple months

Today I was good to myself
I wasn't productive
Not really
I let myself rest
Today I didn't do anything
But I did the important thing
And I was good to myself

There is nowhere where
I am in your arms again
I'm left without you

She tore me in two
Ripped my heart from my chest
Stole 20 years of my life
And yet
Seeing her now
Kneeling on the floor
Begging for me
Giving me everything I ever wanted
For all my life
Asking for me back
I guess what I'm asking is
If the illusion of
True
Love
Love that ties a cord
Under your ribs
And pulls and pulls
Until all you are is broken shards
Of a happily ever after
If all you would ever need
Lay at your feet
A mendicant
Would you go?

All I want to do
Is tell someone
Scream to the world
How sad
And angry
And bitter
And hurt I am
But nobody is listening