Today I was good to myself
I woke up and went right back to sleep
Even though I'd already slept 8 hours.
Then I did it again
And I got 11 hours of sleep

Today I was good to myself
I got up and made a yummy breakfast
I didn't worry about making my bed
Not right away
I just ate bacon and drank a smoothie

Today I was good to myself
I made 3 cups of my favorite hot tea
And I put fresh local honey in it
And a bit of lemon juice
And I let myself feel it
Travel down my chest
And into my belly
Hot and soothing

Today I was good to myself
I spent an hour and a half in my bible
Highlighting
And Journaling
And admiring the beautiful words

Today I took care of myself
I kept all the lights off except one
I paid my overdue bills
And I talked to my plants
And read a book
And I watched scifi
It's my favorite

Today I was good to myself
I didn't let myself worry
About money
Or work
Or church
Or anything else
I just let myself be at peace
I didn't even get dressed

Today I was good to myself
I took a hot bath
I put Epsom salt bubbles in it
And Eucalyptus bath salt
And I soaked away all the stress of the last couple months

Today I was good to myself
I wasn't productive
Not really
I let myself rest
Today I didn't do anything
But I did the important thing
And I was good to myself

I live
For stormy days
Chilly wind
Colorful leaves
The color orange
Long scarves
Warm boots
Giant sweaters
Cloudy skies
Hot tea
Good books
Bonfires
The smell of burning leaves
Fuzzy blankets
Candy corn
And corn mazes
Hot cider
Scary movies
Acorns
Petrichor
Candy apples
Jack-o'-lanterns
Splendor in the air
And long walks
Through quiet forests
I am in love with fall

Poetry
Is not something
To be defined.
"This is what it means"
"This is how they did it"
No.
Poetry is to be interpreted
By oneself
In the silence of ones bedroom
So don't tell me
I can't write poetry.

Poetry is just
Words of meaning.

You decide what it means for you.

You've pushed me
Right to the edge
You took whatever was good in me
And you tore it from my chest
And threw it to the ground
It's been a long time coming,
But finally you've done it

And I know I'm
Messed up
I know I'm
Strange in the head
But you've treated me
Like dirt
And now
Messed up as I am
All I want to do
Is **** myself
To make you sorry

Dear future husband,

I hope that wherever you are

You are happy

And that whoever you are with,

They make you smile

And I hope that whatever you are doing

It makes you content

Because without you, I am alone
*
And I am not happy

And no matter who I’m with
,
I hardly smile anymore

And no matter what I do,

I am not content

I feel lost without you

And I don’t even know you

My future husband,

I hope that everything God gives you

Is something that makes you love more

And whatever trials you face

You can always feel Him near

And I hope that in everything you do,

You see His face

And with every tear that drops from your beautiful eyes

You know that one day He will bring us together

Because without you, I feel the love

Leaving a little more

And with every trial I face,

I feel more and more…alone

And no matter what I do,

I don’t think I can see Him anymore

And with every tear that drips from my cold eyes
,
I am losing hope that I will ever meet you

Dear future husband,

I hope that wherever you are

You are happy-you are in bliss

Because I can feel hell creeping up on me

And I’m scared to breathe anymore.

The sun is crying
Leaving streaks
And heaving bolts
Of its tears
Up and down
And
All
Around
Across
Its canvas
That is the sky.

//CUR-a-j//

Noun:

1. You are a brave mountain, a standing tower in a whirlwind. You are a small boy facing a giant, a yellow brilliance in the face of destruction.

2. You scream holy fearlessness at the abyss.

3. You have been to the eternal edge and stood in it's inky, anger. You have faced a deep and wicked disaster, and it has faced you. You have seen the bitter eternity and preached light to it's fury.

Some turn to drink
And some turn to grass
We all turn to things
That we know will not last

But oh my beloved
Remember always
We all have our demons
That won't go away

Dear Lord in heaven

Thank you for the skies you've made
So bright and blue and sunny
Thank you for the rainy days
When winds of power sweep o'r me

Thank you for the good times, God,
And thank you for the bad
To understand your happiness
I must Contemplate sad

I ask you for your mercy
To keep me humble, low
But when you do as I have asked
I take it as a blow

You always have been with me
I know you'll never leave
And day by day you teach me
Your blessings to receive

I never could repay you
All the grace that I've been given
You died me for me and now I see
In return I give you sin

So before I ask a favor
I'll thank you one more time
For always granting mercy
When I commit a crime

And now at last we come
One portion I request
To bring me to your Haven
And Grant me eternal rest

The only thing I want
Is not upon this world
But dancing in the wind above
Between the clouds unfurled

I already know your answer
And surely I'll know more
When you grant me freedom
Upon the golden shore

You've spent your life
Letting them treat you how they want
Letting their hands
And thoughts wander
At will
Keeping the wild fury inside
So as not to cause offense
And you find
Eventually
That for so long
You allowed people to do things to you,
And now you don't even know what's normal
Until the story comes from your lips
And your comrade looks at you
In horror
Of your tragic past.

Just know oh faint of heart
Though you are not at home
We all carry our sin
But carry not alone.
Oft times we seem to stumble
And the earth seems to shake
Our hearts are torn asunder
Our balance seems to quake
But when at break of day
When all of sin and shame
Has hung upon the cross
And you have entered thus
There will be no need
For sun or light of day
The man upon the cross
Will always light our way
Henceforth tell your tale
And tell what you have seen
My Lord and God take me
For I come unto Thee

...so I tell myself that I'm just tired, I didn't sleep well last night.
I nod a few times trying to convince myself of that lie
Because I know that I really slept fine last night
I just feel lonely and I don't know how to cope.

She tore me in two
Ripped my heart from my chest
Stole 20 years of my life
And yet
Seeing her now
Kneeling on the floor
Begging for me
Giving me everything I ever wanted
For all my life
Asking for me back
I guess what I'm asking is
If the illusion of
True
Love
Love that ties a cord
Under your ribs
And pulls and pulls
Until all you are is broken shards
Of a happily ever after
If all you would ever need
Lay at your feet
A mendicant
Would you go?

Often I was subject to another’s whims
In fear of sinking, I pretended to swim
To sickening stomach, the lights start to dim
And feral dark torture spreads all through my limbs

"Unclean!" I was crying, "Unclean I've been made!"
And a swift "goodbye" to my innocence bade
And as with a whip, my young mind-it was flayed
The putrid for innocence given in trade

I did what they wanted, hoping for the best
Despite my belief, compliance is a jest
So I let the weight settle, heavy on my chest
And I tried to forget, ignoring the rest

They did things to me I can barely contrive
I bent to their will, claiming to be alive
I let them abuse me, hoping I'd revive
We do what we have to so we will survive

There is nowhere where
I am in your arms again
I'm left without you

The lie of
Optimism
Plastered on my face
Screaming
Screaming
"Let me go home.
" I just want to rest
Forever."

Chest
And lungs
Hurt
From common
Labored
Sighs
Like breaking the top layer of
Ice
On a bowl
Of water
"Let me go home
" I just want to sleep
Forever."

I live for
Sweet Sundays
With Misty warmth
And hot tea
And sunshine
And birds singing outside my window
For soft music
And breakfast food
And long dresses
And the Lord in my heart

Tuck yourself in with your blanket of tears
Pull it tight around you until you fall asleep
Finding comfort in dreams
And when you awake, wrap yourself closer still
And remember that flowers grow where they're planted
And nothing can survive without water.

Yeah
I might stay up
Late on Saturday nights
And wish you were with me
That things were different
But I will never forget
Why I left.

As I sit here
In this dark
But light
Room
Rain drips from the roof outside
Splashing in puddles on the already-wet ground.

As I sit here
In this loud
But quiet
Place
Cars pass by sending sounds like
Blowing on the top of a bottle to my ears.

As I sit here
In this happy
But sad day
I may be unhappy with my situation,
But I am content with where I am.

I am misplaced
I am a butterfly
In a field of cocoons
I don't belong here.

One thing I promise
Something echoing in me:
Things WILL get better

I can't promise many things
A country house
Wedding rings

I can't promise all that much
To love you forever
Or to bring you stuff

I can't promise you the sky
Or to be your friend
Or to never lie

I can't promise you'll be the first
To hear my doubts
Or heal your hurt

I can't promise I'll always be there
To give you comfort
Or secrets to share

I can't promise I'm not a mess
But I can promise I'll do my best.

I'm tired

Tired of being used
Tired of listening
To relationship problems
That don't involve me

Tired of being ignored
Tired of caring
Tired of giving more than I take
Tired of losing

Tired of everything
From too much
To too little
From craziness
To boredom

Tired of being misunderstood
Tired of crying
Please
Please just leave me alone.

I am so lonely.
I just want someone to ask if I'm okay.
I'm not,
But I wish someone would ask.

It's fall
And the trees are changing
Daintily dropping their leaves
To the grateful ground
Wind whispering through their branches

It's fall
And the rain is pelting
Perfect
Against my window
Inviting me to stay inside
With hot tea
And a good book

It's fall
And the smells are enchanting
Cinnamon
Pumpkin
Wet grass after a long storm

It's fall
And I'm wearing sweatpants
Giant sweaters
And long socks
Warming my feet by the fire

It's fall
And the cool wind
Rushes through my hazel hair
Laughing
And tossing itself about my
Face

It's fall
And squirrels are everywhere
Hiding food
And chattering
To each other
Across the trees

It's fall
And my bed is inviting
Warm,
Cozy,
Safe,

It's fall
And I want to lose myself
In a good book
A fire
And myself

It's fall
And I feel at peace

A part of the poem

I have every reason to be angry
Angry
Angry
At you.

But I just can't.

Because I love you.

And when you love someone,
No matter how much they anger you,
You never tell them.

In times of trouble
Echo still
These long-loved words of
Jesus' will

In times of darkness
And betrayal
God's glorious words
Make this trail

When  thundering waves
My ship shakes
These loving words
Will steady make

When hope is lost and
I give up
These glorious words have
Filled my cup

And when my heart now
Pierced with knife
"I'm the resurrection
And the life"

I am so sick
Of my pain
My exhaustion
My self
Not being valid
Because you
Are "in more pain"
"More tired"
More everything
Than I am

I can still hurt
Even if you hurt
Even if you hurt more
I am still valid

.

There is nothing
So hard
So wounding
So frustrating
As realizing
That the pain
Will always be
There
It will never
Go away

There is nothing harder
Than coming
To know
That you will always
Be
Broken
You will always
Hurt
And the only
Thing you have
To look forward to
Are the small
Moments of sleep
That may come
When the exhaustion
Defeats
The pain

In the end
We are all just waves
On the ocean

Dipping
And cresting

In a world
That changes to fast
For us to bear

We are flawed
We always have been
From the beginning
We lived in sin
Nothing we
Have done on this Earth
Can be credited
To our own will
And so we
Soulless wanderers
Continue in our
Own weaknessess
We betray
To death
The one being
Who cared
About our eternity
We spat in His face
And killed Him
In our sin
And by His grace
And He still
Saved us
This world is dark
It is war-ridden
And gut-wrenchingly
Sick
At it's best
This is not
Where we belong
We die
And fade
With each passing day
Illness
Wreaks havoc
Every day
And our sole hope
Is that one day
There will be rest
Worry not, oh wanderer
For He is coming
And quickly
To bring us Home
To the golden streets
And Gates of pearl
To the family we never knew
But always felt
And to the Eden
That our savior
Always wanted
For us
Despite
Our downfalls