Just know oh faint of heart
Though you are not at home
We all carry our sin
But carry not alone.
Oft times we seem to stumble
And the earth seems to shake
Our hearts are torn asunder
Our balance seems to quake
But when at break of day
When all of sin and shame
Has hung upon the cross
And you have entered thus
There will be no need
For sun or light of day
The man upon the cross
Will always light our way
Henceforth tell your tale
And tell what you have seen
My Lord and God take me
For I come unto Thee

The lie of
Optimism
Plastered on my face
Screaming
Screaming
"Let me go home.
" I just want to rest
Forever."

Chest
And lungs
Hurt
From common
Labored
Sighs
Like breaking the top layer of
Ice
On a bowl
Of water
"Let me go home
" I just want to sleep
Forever."

Poetry
Is not something
To be defined.
"This is what it means"
"This is how they did it"
No.
Poetry is to be interpreted
By oneself
In the silence of ones bedroom
So don't tell me
I can't write poetry.

Poetry is just
Words of meaning.

You decide what it means for you.

I live for
Sweet Sundays
With Misty warmth
And hot tea
And sunshine
And birds singing outside my window
For soft music
And breakfast food
And long dresses
And the Lord in my heart

Yeah
I might stay up
Late on Saturday nights
And wish you were with me
That things were different
But I will never forget
Why I left.

Dear Lord in heaven

Thank you for the skies you've made
So bright and blue and sunny
Thank you for the rainy days
When winds of power sweep o'r me

Thank you for the good times, God,
And thank you for the bad
To understand your happiness
I must Contemplate sad

I ask you for your mercy
To keep me humble, low
But when you do as I have asked
I take it as a blow

You always have been with me
I know you'll never leave
And day by day you teach me
Your blessings to receive

I never could repay you
All the grace that I've been given
You died me for me and now I see
In return I give you sin

So before I ask a favor
I'll thank you one more time
For always granting mercy
When I commit a crime

And now at last we come
One portion I request
To bring me to your Haven
And Grant me eternal rest

The only thing I want
Is not upon this world
But dancing in the wind above
Between the clouds unfurled

I already know your answer
And surely I'll know more
When you grant me freedom
Upon the golden shore

Tuck yourself in with your blanket of tears
Pull it tight around you until you fall asleep
Finding comfort in dreams
And when you awake, wrap yourself closer still
And remember that flowers grow where they're planted
And nothing can survive without water.

I can't promise many things
A country house
Wedding rings

I can't promise all that much
To love you forever
Or to bring you stuff

I can't promise you the sky
Or to be your friend
Or to never lie

I can't promise you'll be the first
To hear my doubts
Or heal your hurt

I can't promise I'll always be there
To give you comfort
Or secrets to share

I can't promise I'm not a mess
But I can promise I'll do my best.

As I sit here
In this dark
But light
Room
Rain drips from the roof outside
Splashing in puddles on the already-wet ground.

As I sit here
In this loud
But quiet
Place
Cars pass by sending sounds like
Blowing on the top of a bottle to my ears.

As I sit here
In this happy
But sad day
I may be unhappy with my situation,
But I am content with where I am.

One thing I promise
Something echoing in me:
Things WILL get better

I am misplaced
I am a butterfly
In a field of cocoons
I don't belong here.

I am so lonely.
I just want someone to ask if I'm okay.
I'm not,
But I wish someone would ask.

I have every reason to be angry
Angry
Angry
At you.

But I just can't.

Because I love you.

And when you love someone,
No matter how much they anger you,
You never tell them.

I'm tired

Tired of being used
Tired of listening
To relationship problems
That don't involve me

Tired of being ignored
Tired of caring
Tired of giving more than I take
Tired of losing

Tired of everything
From too much
To too little
From craziness
To boredom

Tired of being misunderstood
Tired of crying
Please
Please just leave me alone.

A part of the poem

It's fall
And the trees are changing
Daintily dropping their leaves
To the grateful ground
Wind whispering through their branches

It's fall
And the rain is pelting
Perfect
Against my window
Inviting me to stay inside
With hot tea
And a good book

It's fall
And the smells are enchanting
Cinnamon
Pumpkin
Wet grass after a long storm

It's fall
And I'm wearing sweatpants
Giant sweaters
And long socks
Warming my feet by the fire

It's fall
And the cool wind
Rushes through my hazel hair
Laughing
And tossing itself about my
Face

It's fall
And squirrels are everywhere
Hiding food
And chattering
To each other
Across the trees

It's fall
And my bed is inviting
Warm,
Cozy,
Safe,

It's fall
And I want to lose myself
In a good book
A fire
And myself

It's fall
And I feel at peace

People say I worry too much.
Don't trust enough.

But if I stop
If I use blind trust

I'm scared that I might
Become
That girl.

The one who only cares for herself.
The one who hates
Hates everyone else.
.
.
.
And then where would I be?

There is nothing
So hard
So wounding
So frustrating
As realizing
That the pain
Will always be
There
It will never
Go away

There is nothing harder
Than coming
To know
That you will always
Be
Broken
You will always
Hurt
And the only
Thing you have
To look forward to
Are the small
Moments of sleep
That may come
When the exhaustion
Defeats
The pain

We have traded ourselves
For a sculpture
Made up of
A 20" waist
And a pawned off face

You've spent your life
Letting them treat you how they want
Letting their hands
And thoughts wander
At will
Keeping the wild fury inside
So as not to cause offense
And you find
Eventually
That for so long
You allowed people to do things to you,
And now you don't even know what's normal
Until the story comes from your lips
And your comrade looks at you
In horror
Of your tragic past.

Often I was subject to another’s whims
In fear of sinking, I pretended to swim
To sickening stomach, the lights start to dim
And feral dark torture spreads all through my limbs

"Unclean!" I was crying, "Unclean I've been made!"
And a swift "goodbye" to my innocence bade
And as with a whip, my young mind-it was flayed
The putrid for innocence given in trade

I did what they wanted, hoping for the best
Despite my belief, compliance is a jest
So I let the weight settle, heavy on my chest
And I tried to forget, ignoring the rest

They did things to me I can barely contrive
I bent to their will, claiming to be alive
I let them abuse me, hoping I'd revive
We do what we have to so we will survive

In the end
We are all just waves
On the ocean

Dipping
And cresting

In a world
That changes to fast
For us to bear

I am so sick
Of my pain
My exhaustion
My self
Not being valid
Because you
Are "in more pain"
"More tired"
More everything
Than I am

I can still hurt
Even if you hurt
Even if you hurt more
I am still valid

.

I feel the hurting deep within
A punishment for all my sin
I'm in pain and I cannot win
Oh God, may you be glorified

He touches me where others won't
And sends to me these harmful stones
And tells me this is what He wrote
"I, God must be glorified"

He tests me with bitter remorse
In order to play out His course
To my lowest I am forced
So He will be glorified

For one day I know He will come
And show to me His holy son
And to His loving arms I run
For He will be glorified

So I'll gladly fill a smaller space
Alone within a harder place
And go where I can't see His face
If only God be glorified

I know I'm not
The full package
I know I'm not
As beautiful
As some other girl
Drawing eyes
Pulling people
Transfixed
To her perfect life

I know that
She might have everything
I know that
She might have the eyes of a goddess
The skin of an Egyptian queen
And hair spun from silk
But I swear to you
I may not draw eyes
But you will draw mine
You may not feel pulled to me
But I will pull you in
I might not be transfixing
But I will always love you
My life may not be perfect
But I will be perfectly
Entirely
Yours

I just want someone
Anyone
Who will kiss me deeply
Love me passionately
And who will spend the rest
Of his life
Letting me do the same.

I may not be ideal
But I will love you
Kiss you
Hold you
And all you have to do
Is love me in return.

In times of trouble
Echo still
These long-loved words of
Jesus' will

In times of darkness
And betrayal
God's glorious words
Make this trail

When  thundering waves
My ship shakes
These loving words
Will steady make

When hope is lost and
I give up
These glorious words have
Filled my cup

And when my heart now
Pierced with knife
"I'm the resurrection
And the life"

I know it's coming
The golden days
But right now
It is stormy
And my oh my I can't wait
For the open road
The trees rushing by
The wind in my hair
And peace at last

Its been a long year
More than a year
My pawpaw passed away from cancer
And I didn't even get to say goodbye
They wouldn't let us in to see him
Coronavirus
A glorified cold
That none of us had
Kept me from spending
His last moments holding his hand.
That same week,
A guy I had been seeing dumped me
He was kind about it
Not kindly enough
That it didn't hurt
But that's okay
I wasn't the one for him
Maybe that's what I need to be for myself
The one
Love myself a bit better
My close friend said he was in love with me
I feel like I'm being mocked
The one whom I couldn't ever be with
Is the one who says he loves me
After that
My church started falling apart
Pastors left
Arguments were started
Old mistakes
Friends were lost
And my sense of peace gone
And to top it all, I lost something so dear to me that the loss made me want to end all this just to see the face of someone whom I don't know
But someone who knows me
I'm okay
I think I am
Maybe I don't know what that means anymore
Just breathing
Waiting
For the clouds to pass
It will end
The rain will stop, and the warm spring of peace will come again
If only I can make it
If only I could hold on
Hold on just a little bit longer
Just a little bit
Longer
I will find hope
In a hopeless time

I've come
To realize that if
She
Is in the room
No one will ever see
see

Me.

I miss the
Innocent love I used to bear
For my life
And it's virility

Alas, a new emotion
Has taken it's place
One I'm not sure
I can live with

But ah, how the days must
Go on in waves
Each
A more bitter cold
Than the last

I complain all
Winter of the cold
But the truth is
When I've been hurt
And I feel betrayed
And my heart has been
Ripped
From my chest
There is nothing more comforting
Than hot tears
On freezing cheeks
My breath visible on the air
And the soft sound
Of my boots in the snow
As I travel down the sidewalk of a well-lit street
At night

They say you should talk
Talk to someone
But how do I say it?
How do I say that I don't know
Who I am anymore?
How do I say that I'm a hundred different people
And no one
All at once?
How do I tell them
That from one day to the next
I'm a mess and tangle
Of a hundred voices
A thousand personalities
And a million faces
And I don't know
Which one of them is really me?
How do I open my mouth
And let the words come out
Tell them that I'm not who they think I am
That I'm not who I think I am
How do I say
That I look in the mirror
And ask the girl staring back at me
Who she is
But she never answers
She doesn't know
Doesn’t know who she is
She's been lost
Such a long time
And can't manage
To feel her way back through the darkness
She's lost who she was
And doesn’t know anymore
Doesn't even know what her name is
She lives with a wardrobe strapped to her back
Costumes and masks spilling from it
Like a jack-in-the-box
A new face for everyone she knows
And not a one of them is her
How do I tell them that I don't even know
What my favorite things are
Because I pretend
And act
And lie
And it's been going on so long that I don't know
I don't know anymore
I don't know anything
How the hell do I tell anyone that?

I Hopeless sinner
Have been made
A *Hopeful saint

I'm in bed
Barely awake
My nose is cold, but everything else is warm
And soft
I listen to the lonely melody of this song
And all becomes clear.
I do not fear the final closing of my eyes
For I know what I will see behind my long worn eyelids
A multitude of green fields
And a bleeding sunrise
Kissing the hills behind
And the smile of eternity brushing across my skin.