Yeah
I might stay up
Late on Saturday nights
And wish you were with me
That things were different
But I will never forget
Why I left.

You've pushed me
Right to the edge
You took whatever was good in me
And you tore it from my chest
And threw it to the ground
It's been a long time coming,
But finally you've done it

And I know I'm
Messed up
I know I'm
Strange in the head
But you've treated me
Like dirt
And now
Messed up as I am
All I want to do
Is **** myself
To make you sorry

People say I worry too much.
Don't trust enough.

But if I stop
If I use blind trust

I'm scared that I might
Become
That girl.

The one who only cares for herself.
The one who hates
Hates everyone else.
.
.
.
And then where would I be?

2AM is the devil's hour
It is then that your sleep slips away
Like the sun gives way to moon
And it is then that your demons
Come out to play.

I have every reason to be angry
Angry
Angry
At you.

But I just can't.

Because I love you.

And when you love someone,
No matter how much they anger you,
You never tell them.

One thing I promise
Something echoing in me:
Things WILL get better

She tore me in two
Ripped my heart from my chest
Stole 20 years of my life
And yet
Seeing her now
Kneeling on the floor
Begging for me
Giving me everything I ever wanted
For all my life
Asking for me back
I guess what I'm asking is
If the illusion of
True
Love
Love that ties a cord
Under your ribs
And pulls and pulls
Until all you are is broken shards
Of a happily ever after
If all you would ever need
Lay at your feet
A mendicant
Would you go?

In the end
We are all just waves
On the ocean

Dipping
And cresting

In a world
That changes to fast
For us to bear

It's fall
And the trees are changing
Daintily dropping their leaves
To the grateful ground
Wind whispering through their branches

It's fall
And the rain is pelting
Perfect
Against my window
Inviting me to stay inside
With hot tea
And a good book

It's fall
And the smells are enchanting
Cinnamon
Pumpkin
Wet grass after a long storm

It's fall
And I'm wearing sweatpants
Giant sweaters
And long socks
Warming my feet by the fire

It's fall
And the cool wind
Rushes through my hazel hair
Laughing
And tossing itself about my
Face

It's fall
And squirrels are everywhere
Hiding food
And chattering
To each other
Across the trees

It's fall
And my bed is inviting
Warm,
Cozy,
Safe,

It's fall
And I want to lose myself
In a good book
A fire
And myself

It's fall
And I feel at peace

I am so sick
Of my pain
My exhaustion
My self
Not being valid
Because you
Are "in more pain"
"More tired"
More everything
Than I am

I can still hurt
Even if you hurt
Even if you hurt more
I am still valid

.

There is nowhere where
I am in your arms again
I'm left without you

In times of trouble
Echo still
These long-loved words of
Jesus' will

In times of darkness
And betrayal
God's glorious words
Make this trail

When  thundering waves
My ship shakes
These loving words
Will steady make

When hope is lost and
I give up
These glorious words have
Filled my cup

And when my heart now
Pierced with knife
"I'm the resurrection
And the life"

I know I'm not
The full package
I know I'm not
As beautiful
As some other girl
Drawing eyes
Pulling people
Transfixed
To her perfect life

I know that
She might have everything
I know that
She might have the eyes of a goddess
The skin of an Egyptian queen
And hair spun from silk
But I swear to you
I may not draw eyes
But you will draw mine
You may not feel pulled to me
But I will pull you in
I might not be transfixing
But I will always love you
My life may not be perfect
But I will be perfectly
Entirely
Yours

I just want someone
Anyone
Who will kiss me deeply
Love me passionately
And who will spend the rest
Of his life
Letting me do the same.

I may not be ideal
But I will love you
Kiss you
Hold you
And all you have to do
Is love me in return.

All I want to do
Is tell someone
Scream to the world
How sad
And angry
And bitter
And hurt I am
But nobody is listening

...so I tell myself that I'm just tired, I didn't sleep well last night.
I nod a few times trying to convince myself of that lie
Because I know that I really slept fine last night
I just feel lonely and I don't know how to cope.

Dear Lord in heaven

Thank you for the skies you've made
So bright and blue and sunny
Thank you for the rainy days
When winds of power sweep o'r me

Thank you for the good times, God,
And thank you for the bad
To understand your happiness
I must Contemplate sad

I ask you for your mercy
To keep me humble, low
But when you do as I have asked
I take it as a blow

You always have been with me
I know you'll never leave
And day by day you teach me
Your blessings to receive

I never could repay you
All the grace that I've been given
You died me for me and now I see
In return I give you sin

So before I ask a favor
I'll thank you one more time
For always granting mercy
When I commit a crime

And now at last we come
One portion I request
To bring me to your Haven
And Grant me eternal rest

The only thing I want
Is not upon this world
But dancing in the wind above
Between the clouds unfurled

I already know your answer
And surely I'll know more
When you grant me freedom
Upon the golden shore

Just know oh faint of heart
Though you are not at home
We all carry our sin
But carry not alone.
Oft times we seem to stumble
And the earth seems to shake
Our hearts are torn asunder
Our balance seems to quake
But when at break of day
When all of sin and shame
Has hung upon the cross
And you have entered thus
There will be no need
For sun or light of day
The man upon the cross
Will always light our way
Henceforth tell your tale
And tell what you have seen
My Lord and God take me
For I come unto Thee

I feel the hurting deep within
A punishment for all my sin
I'm in pain and I cannot win
Oh God, may you be glorified

He touches me where others won't
And sends to me these harmful stones
And tells me this is what He wrote
"I, God must be glorified"

He tests me with bitter remorse
In order to play out His course
To my lowest I am forced
So He will be glorified

For one day I know He will come
And show to me His holy son
And to His loving arms I run
For He will be glorified

So I'll gladly fill a smaller space
Alone within a harder place
And go where I can't see His face
If only God be glorified

I complain all
Winter of the cold
But the truth is
When I've been hurt
And I feel betrayed
And my heart has been
Ripped
From my chest
There is nothing more comforting
Than hot tears
On freezing cheeks
My breath visible on the air
And the soft sound
Of my boots in the snow
As I travel down the sidewalk of a well-lit street
At night

I know it's coming
The golden days
But right now
It is stormy
And my oh my I can't wait
For the open road
The trees rushing by
The wind in my hair
And peace at last

I miss the
Innocent love I used to bear
For my life
And it's virility

Alas, a new emotion
Has taken it's place
One I'm not sure
I can live with

But ah, how the days must
Go on in waves
Each
A more bitter cold
Than the last

I Hopeless sinner
Have been made
A *Hopeful saint

We have traded ourselves
For a sculpture
Made up of
A 20" waist
And a pawned off face

I've come
To realize that if
She
Is in the room
No one will ever see
see

Me.

It is so sad to me
That we pray
And weep
And beg
For understanding
For wisdom
For peace
And to see His face
But we don't understand
That in order
To see God,
You must first get to heaven
And to get to heaven
You have to die
Pain always comes
Before the storm
A thorn always hurts the most
When it is pulled out
God gives His greatest blessings
And most wonderful lessons
After long nights
Of tears
And prayer

No matter how
Much sleep I get
No matter how many
Pills I take
I am still drifting
Through life
No, existence
As though I am
Watching the waves
Of pale snow wash
Over the ground
I am alone
I am cold
I am scared
And often times
I don't know if I'm really here
Or if I am only a dream
I didn't want this
I didn't ask for it
But now the screams
In my head
Grow ever louder
And the pain in my chest
Ever more bitter
All I wanted was
To live
Nay
To exist
But oh, Lord
What I must have done
To deserve life
In such a hell
As this

Only in the understanding
Mind of a poet can you look at someone
Else's poem
Read about
Their
Pain
And think it beautiful.

We were nine
Can still remember
Our little hands parted
And you left
Went far away
I cried
And you weren't there

I got my first ever letter in the mail
It was from you
I sent one back the moment I'd read yours
But you didn't respond for months

I finally got to see you again
We spent days laughing
And then we had to leave, and you hardly said goodbye

We meet every year
Almost
I was always so excited to see you
But then one day
I ran into your house
And you weren't there
You were with someone else

We were eighteen
I was in Washington
You were in Ohio
Forever apart
And he left you
I was there

But later when my heart was broken
You weren't there

When I started volleyball
You weren't there

When I got my first
Amazing job
You weren't there

When I lost weight
I hadn't spoken to you in weeks
And I knew you were off work
And all I wanted to do
Was tell you
But you weren't there

Are you sensing a pattern?

I guess I'm just tired of being
Second
Always second

I thought we were an endless ocean
*But even waves break upon the shore

I don't deserve your loving hand
I don't deserve your soft commands
I don't deserve your perfect plan
No, nor the way you love me

I don't deserve this "string of luck"
That from your strengthened stores you pluck
I don't deserve this chord you've struck
In all the ways you love me

I don't deserve eternal life
With no more tears and no more strife
You've spared me from the devils knife
With all the ways you love me

I used the be a wandering one
But then you came and gave your son
All my battles you have won
Yes, I know you love me

You love me when I disobey
And from your golden path I stray
But still you are my strength and stay
Lord, I'm so glad you love me

Without you my soul would be lost
And I would be hung on that cross
For words I am at such a loss
Lord, I need you to love me.

All you ask is my love, too
And Jesus I know this is true
I would be worthless without you
I love the way you love me

There is nothing
So hard
So wounding
So frustrating
As realizing
That the pain
Will always be
There
It will never
Go away

There is nothing harder
Than coming
To know
That you will always
Be
Broken
You will always
Hurt
And the only
Thing you have
To look forward to
Are the small
Moments of sleep
That may come
When the exhaustion
Defeats
The pain

He does love us
He does hear us
He does know us
He does hear our cry

But He is not held
By the standards
Of what we believe is good
He has His own standards
To which we
Sinners
Creation
Must adhere.

*"He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the sons of man."

Wrists bleeding
Heart leading
Mind screaming
Out for help

Eyes glazing
Brain blazing
Pain raising
Higher now

Hands shaking
Thoughts quaking
Voices making
Me insane

Temples banging
Cymbals clanging
Life hanging
By a thread

Stop breathing
Chest heaving
Mind leaving
Me to die