not sure why i get offended
when i find out i wasn't invited to a social event
because i know, i'll always politely decline.

you take a girl.
average weight, average height, average smile, average tone of voice.
you give her a pen.

you give her a pen and tell her she is golden.
that she can do anything she puts her mind to and that she is a shooting star and you tell her to collect all of those scratch-and-sniff stickers that her teachers put on her tests.
you give her hope and love and anything else good that you can think of.

you tell her she can fly.

you buy her a cape, and when she climbs to the roof and jumps off, only to sprain her ankle, you kiss her.


but she will still have bad days.

We have tumbled
into the realm of
the most unsettled
humans- scraping
fingernails and hands
that have not held
others.
But we will find our
way out. What was it
you said? "You're the
light on the other
side," I think. You're
always my light on
the other side, Ryan,
always.

1.i took a breath, punched the door. he asked if it helped at all,
rubbed his temples when i did it again,
told me to call him when i felt like talking,
we havent spoken since. he isnt important to this story.
what matters is how unsafe i feel just saying your name, how unreal
you make me feel. imaginary and implausible. wish fulfillment so blatant
im amazed i ever thought i was something more
than a myth.  

2. i can't give you what you want/couldn't give you what you want. something like a romance film,
candles on the shore,
not blown out by ocean winds.
something where i cry your name or
kiss you when you shout
instead of screaming back,
perfect plaster queen crumbling
for no one but you.
where i sing and you sigh.
where at least one of us cares.

3. im still not sure who's to blame
my heart is swollen my hands are bloated there is motor oil
pooling in the hollow of my palms, did you do this to me?
did i unravel you? im still not sure what happened. i stopped asking for help a long time ago

4.  i do not feel safe.
you are behind me always.
i am sweating bullets and you are loading your gun.
you are a breakdown waiting to happen.
you are my genes planning treason.

5. you're a fake.you're a fake.you're a fake.
buying me coffee and spitting down my throat like
it evens out in the end.you're so kind.you say youd never hurt me as if
i couldnt see my ******* intestines in your fist. you're a fake.
you're pyrite, fool's gold,
costume jewelry cutting off circulation to my hand.

6. i know everything sounds the same.
i know i give the same speech every time.
i know repetition is getting old and
six breakdowns in the same month is
overdoing it. i was trained from birth to **** up my life
and im exceeding expectations.

7. [image: memorial day card,
'we had nothing worth remembering' inside,
hallmark logo on the back]

8. i didnt really want to be real anyway

oh
man
the
smile,
though.

I only want to eat flowers and bloom
beautifully.