separate entities, i split apart, douse my lungs with rubbing alcohol, spread powdered bleach beneath my feet and dab my skin with the petals that you shed as October’s winds rip and whip at my soul. i hang my head high, cosmic, meta, celestial beast breathing sallow i seeth-ever phased. caught in a new kind of a daze, i dream in a haze. my words spread like ash across your lips as my mind does dips and flips. caught in a new kind of a haze, i welcome this, i welcome this, this holy hell of a day that gloom’s and blooms hungry and ready.

you gave me what I craved and what I needed and I didn't realize it until it was too late.

what's worse is i have no clue how I'll feel when I see you again. Will I feel the pits of my stomach? Will I hear your voice calling to me before I see you, will I ever see you again, will I ever even get to hear from you again. Is it crazy to say that it's been four days since I've been sober sans you and I miss you more than I miss tequila? I'm already missing you and its only been four days what does this mean to you, does it mean anything, has it ever, will it ever?

find myself wishing a little bit more each morning, noon and night for the rewind button on your remote control. those nights when we sat next to each other consumed with each other while consuming the screen before us, smoke aching our lungs as we grapple for new answers to old questions and old answers to new questions and all at once, I wish I had pressed paused, pulled my hair back and sunk to my knees. We could've mistaken it love but we understood the tensions of lust too much to fall prey and so instead we chose to fall in with the way  we spoke, the way we walked and the way we felt when our hands and thighs brushed each time we passed a spliff or a beer or each time our legs brushed, I remember it all down to the ache of my veins. "I understand what I am still too proud to mention, to you."

"Oh, your gaze is dangerous"

you're breaking me and the saddest part is that there's nothing I can really do about.

I'll jot you down til there's nothing left for me to remember.

I throw lightbulbs at cellophane walls and watch as they bounce onto the floor and shatter across my feet, sparks lighting my feet and then resting right there, beneath me: apart of me.

I can't erase you
now that I've felt
for you.

my skin can bare the bruises of you,
but my mind and soul are the ones I worry for.

Someday, those photos will look old, like when you recognize the pile of dust resting on a dingy book. Someday, those photos will look old, and you'll still be young in my mind, like every new word my mind pours from my chest to this paper, someday you'll grow old but my relics of you will remain frayed and new.

Someday, those photos will look old, like when you recognize the pile of dust resting on a dingy book. Someday, those photos will look old, and you'll still be young in my mind, like every new word my mind pours from my chest to this paper, someday you'll grow old but my relics of you will remain frayed and new.

I'd recreate myself from paper, easily, so that on the days that i cry, my words will slump into the lines of my cheeks and wither away my memories.

i spilled black coffee down the barebones of your thighs and watched as the paleness of you blush into ruddy-ness. below, i watch the tarred remains of me that couldn't stick to you spread and sink into the earth.

you're used to people falling for the charm of you.

you took my grace and slid it between your bed sheets, the next day, i stayed comatose in my room until the sun hid itself, i hummed silly rhymes and watched them waft away, the following day, i dropped everything i tried to hold, my hands didn't shake like they usually do, they stood still and uncertain. kind of like you, clearly, oh so clearly of you and me

i watch green turn to ash as spit bubbles pop images in my mind, the green buds beneath my bare feet and as i walk in memory of you, my trail turns each step i hover between to ash.

*i don't write about much these days. all i have are foggied visions and memories of you. color me foolish and pin and tail on my-

i once had a dream i kissed you on a ledge and fell into the deep seas of smoke that your lips erased me with. i want to be made of the lust you drag with, it isn't that simple is it

and still. and still. and still-the only thing that matters is you.

the whole point of love is the heart break of it all. what a concept.

i rubbed salt on my lips and drank nothing but whiskey for seventeen hours while cleaning to help me forget you but you it only numbed me further into the idea of you.

he cut the tongue from between my lips as I tried to gasp, veins pulsing from the noose of your grip tied tight around my throat, I travel with my ability to lack, I tie knots 'round my new lovers' finger and I light them up from the string of my bow, I holler and jump 'round them, chest separating from my shoulders as my feet dangle above the crimson earth, my knees hobble and bobble as my elbows ash from the haggard wind rapping against my sand-made skin, I blow away like dunes, shaped and reshaped by the Sahara, I scream violet threats as you press me further into cellophane walls, you say, "destruction is sin." and then you remolded me into your paper girl, locked me up in a room for years and wrote me ****** until my mind filled with **** and then you found my eyes and started darkening them, they've slowly started to mirror your night's sky, a reflection of your skin, my sin.

my bottom lip burns, middle chapped and spiced, I worry that my limbs aren't strong enough to bare what you've had and what you could have.

you're like a moving photo in my mind. i've had this reel spinning in my mind for days now of all what we could be. all that we can do. my body shivers in anticipation and shudders out of fear. i've thought it over. backwards and forwards and all i can seem to do is want you even more. always in my mind, always on my time. allison says i'm in love. i say i'm just having a really hard time. focusing. breathing.

rinsed my mind clean of the words that caved in on me with the whiskey on your breath.

you kiss me like I'm a blank page you're writing a new poem across my lips. each stroke of your tongue scripts another line.

You should hate me but you don't.
You should hate me but you won't.

If there's one thing no one gets to see me at it's at my utmost misery. I revel in that and in that alone, I heave long chains of smoke that bubble gum, snap and pop, I have to say I can't believe we've made it this far, you and I. But on the crook of this spinning night I sit simply with a stranger to the right of me at my dinner table. I can't say I feel much towards this situation besides lonely indifference, like the tingle my nose gets if I rip for too long, I can't say it's been much of an amusement, his voice hums dumb like a drone.

my tongue curls as i light my ciggie boy and pull in, fire to a furnace, i wait for ash to spill as i tick near its tip, and of you, much like the wind, my mind wanders and shifts and settles, steady mania spirals through me, grabs me and drags me by the spine. if it wasn't for the hood of my sweater, my head would've blown away with the dead leaves of my backyard's oak tree.

you don't remember everything i do.
if you did-
we'd still be sunbathing in memories.

i spend my days now counting til you, morning glory's cactii-ed to my tongue, goosebump ridden and hungry for some distant memory to bring me back down, if the early spring sun was to stop glowing, maybe that's be a start, but it beams innocence down my lungs and through the pours of my skin. Your eyes shine as though an angel lives between the thin realms of your mind and your soul and right there, inter-mixed between it all, I can't seem to help but hope to live, am I greedy enough now, because according to me, it's seems like this is all this is.

he has his demons of his own.
he has to, kind as he is-
to have fallen for something
as cruel as you.

Sometimes I wish I never knew you,
sometimes you're all I know.

every once in a while i stay awake and dream of you.

subtle reminders are nature's best ejection of pain, i swear i saw your shadow overcast mine every time i walked. cowering rationalizations seem to weep as though it's dying sense of control bends folding branches down against the base of my willow. i've seen you with my eyes wide open and with my eyes closed and each time I skip stones against the walls of my memory hoping to eject which ever flick is humming on repeat.

I catch myself staring at photos of you in hopes of never forgetting you, lord knows my mind skips out on a lot of things. But if I ever forget you, take back your shirts, hats, give me back my scarves, my lips, heart, soul, and mind. I'll never remember a thing you've ever said to me. I'd want your voice out of my head. It'd be the second thing that'd go.

Don't tease me with the pursuit of death. If you're going to destroy, please just go on and do it.

I love everything. I once told a lie so naturally that I began to thin of angst and anxiety. I wonder if you've ever had good times. Seems silly that we persist within the bad when everything could be so good.

I never really understood how I coukd crave and understand anymore like I do you.

one of these days I'm gonna say something crazy like I like you and you'll do something crazy like stay.

I wanna punch a wall in.
I wanna watch you kiss
my knuckles, almost like
watching your lips graze
against crumbling brick.

i trip on the hem of my dress, a kind of cool skim reduction that dribbles milk down my legs and casts a white veil over your eyes. sometimes i swear i think you might just try to catch me one of these days, i wouldn't hold you past it but I will for the life of me try to keep me out of your arms for as long as i  possibly can.

a senseless **** is still a **** to give and to give of myself, so kindly, is the nicest thing I could ever do for anyone and sometimes I swear I feel the pulse of every evil thing a woman could possibly feel pulsing through the bulbs of my thighs and quickening the thrills of my braced heart as my mind darkens against the sun of you. the night your lips uttered my name, I walked back down every path I ever crossed to get to you and picked up every cigarette **** I ever tossed in hopes that you'd one day look at my will to pick up our past, no matter how ill we were, and still see the beauty in its uselessness. you'll always understand me as crazy baby just like you, and maybe that's why I'll always love you. it'll always be understood that my cigarettes will taste of Bourbon like my lips, liquid to your breath, like Vaseline on your fingertips. anyone with a certain blackness in their eyes holds my intrigue much like how anyone with a certain lightness to their feet trips up my heart, hopefully because they'll always leave me, most likely because they know I won't chase, definitely because they know I'll always want to.